I feel so conflicted

[glows]

3 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate your advice.

 

A few things, I want to add:

 

I'm usually not this emotional when it comes to my partner. My previous relationship had a similar set up; we saw each other once on the weekends and that routine worked for me, but it didn't for my partner at the time. That being said, I wasn't too crazy about the guy. This time around, I feel so deeply for him. We were friends before romance was even on the table. So I've always cared about him, it's just now become intensified. When you're in love, spending just six hours together once a week, doesn't feel like much.

 

I'm also trying to be more emotionally open, because the criticism I have received from previous partners is that I seem too emotionally removed, too clinical. So I'm trying to apply that here, and so with that, it comes with a whole bunch of things. You can't be just a little bit emotional, it's either you're gonna be emotional or not, and with being emotional comes all of the positive and negative.

 

Another thing that is also impacting me emotionally, is: I'm going through a lot of changes in the moment. The day after we decided we were going to go official, my grandfather passed on. I was actually having sex with my boyfriend when my mom was blowing up my phone, to let me know. A week after his service, my grandmother was then admitted in to the hospital for congestive heart failure, a Glycemic attack and Covid, among other things. I'm super close to my grandparents, they are like my actual parents, so this is heart breaking for me. That there is a possibility I might lose two of the most important people in my life this year, its a lot to take on.

I'm now worried that I may have Covid (even though I have tested negative) my car died, so I'm trying to purchase another one, and can't find one, I'm looking for a new job......my season is all over the place. I'm going through things I have never had to go through before. I feel like I'm in a emotional tornado, and I feel like I'm being forced to process this all on my own. I think that is also where the isolation is coming from.

Its not an excuse, just what I'm currently dealing with at the moment. I don't want to push him away but I also don't want to be a drain on him. He has his own stuff, like child custody dispute with his ex wife, he's trying to find a better job, a criminal charge, his own depression.......I don't want to add more on to HIS plate either. But at the same time, when we hang out, it makes life a little easier with the other in the world. And I feel like if he can't stand 6 days, where for four of them, we spent a grand total of 8 hours together, and he can't take that. He did say that his ex girlfriend moved in quite quickly, and girls have a tendency of jumping in to his house too quickly. Maybe he thought I was trying to do that, which I find offensive, to be honest.

I feel emotionally all over the place, is what I'm saying. This is not normal for me.

What is the criminal charge for? 

The above is all the more reason to take a deep breath and refocus.

Try getting yourself back on track as much as possible.

You may surprise yourself: you think this is love but you may not find this man so attractive or alluring after you start feeling better about yourself or your life. It sounds like he has a lot of things he needs to deal with. 

I am still not a fan of his underhanded and passive aggressive comments to you in passing. (Your original post). It’s disrespectful to you. Right now he has sex on tap, knows you’re too attached and feeling low not to tolerate his bs and treats you like garbage. If you’re hurt and confused thinking about what to do at the very least pause and STOP. Make no moves towards him and slow things down. Have a good long think about things as they are now.

Edited August 7, 2021 by glows

[Emily O-Hara]

The charges are not pretty. Let me just preface this by saying: He told me about this way before we got serious, and I believed him.

 

So, about 4 years ago, he and his ex-wife were having an argument in the living room. She left the room, leaving my boyfriend and her 16 year old sister. She came back, and she said that she saw my boyfriend on top of her sleeping sister. She called the cops, they came, and they put him in the back of the squad car (did not put him under arrest, just detained him). After talking to both the wife and sister, they released him. They had a hearing, the charges were dismissed. Fast forward to last year, the charges were brought back again. He was arrested, he was bonded out, and thats what he has been dealing with. He has a lawyer, they're going through the discovery process, and because of this, he isn't able to see his daughter. His ex wife is now dating his best friend, sending not so nice texts and pictures. He's trying to get his child support reduced, due to being laid off and only able to find a minimum wage job, which she's not that thrilled about it; she's being quite aggressive about it, actually. 

I stay out of it, and listen when he desires to share. It's none of my business, it's between him, the state, his ex, and the sister. And I told him this.

I also told him that if he went to jail, I wasn't going to wait for him. He said he understood, he supports that decision, and we continued on.

[Weezy1973]

OP, I’m guessing your childhood was chaotic as it seems you’re addicted to drama. End the relationship. Go to therapy.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Weezy1973

[Emily O-Hara]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Why did you think he'd be interested to go to a Lesbian bar?

 

 Why are you making up stupid lies to get his attention?  I'm sure he say right through this lie.

After having to call another guy over for sex because you say your bf was asleep at 10:30 and you couldn't wake him tells me you should seek therapy for why you can't be without a man for a 24 hour period?  Plus you were at an Air BNB so where did you get this man for sex from in the middle of the night?

 

Because they were supposed to have a Drag King night. And the one thing about him, he'll never turn down a new opportunity. His thinking is, even if he doesn't like it, at least he can say he experienced it. I have a cousin who works there also, so I thought it would entertaining. It wasn't, no one was there. LOL.

 

I can obviously survive a few nights without him, if I went almost two weeks without seeing him. That night was just really rough for me.

I contacted someone I have known for awhile, who lived near by and invited him over for John Oliver and Cards.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Emily O-Hara

[Emily O-Hara]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

OP, I’m guessing your childhood was chaotic as it seems you’re addicted to drama. End the relationship. Go to therapy.

 

Actually, it was quite quiet. Sheltered, but quiet.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Emily O-Hara

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, Emily O-Hara said:

 

Actually, it was quite quiet. Sheltered, but quiet.

Your insecurities are more serious than you probably realize. Your defense mechanism was to shut off your emotions, but now you’re experiencing them full throttle. From 0 to 10. Emotionally healthy folks navigate the middle. Again, seek therapy. You can’t manage a relationship right now. 

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened, OP.  Should you break up with him?  Yes, it sounds like it.  How were you feeling?  Very insecure, hurt, alone - so much so that you sought comfort with someone else and were unfaithful.  This is not the best way to run a relationship.  I don't think this guy is going to make you feel more secure.  He sounds less engaged than you and has expressed doubts.

Is he ok with you being bi?  Many guys would not be, it would trigger their insecurities.

You sound quite confused about what you want yourself.  You say you have fallen in love with him, yet talk about meeting girls and having fun with them.  Is he ok about an open relationship?

What do you actually want for yourself?  You need to make sure anyone you get involved with is fully on board with whatever you are seeking or you will be dealing with their jealousies and confusion.

 

Edited August 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

Just to add a further note, having read more of your story ...

This guy has been accused of assaulting or inappropriate behaviour with a 16-year-old girl.  In the UK, the girl would have to accuse him because 16 is the age of consent.  I don't know what the age of consent is in your country but if it is over 16, then parents could accuse him and the police would have to act.  Either way, someone has accused him of a criminal sexual offence.

If the charge has been brought back, the people involved were not happy for charges to be dismissed.  Further evidence must have been brought forward or someone else willing to testify.  I doubt charges would be brought again unless there was more of a chance of conviction.

Bear in mind that if he really is a sex offender then he is unlikely to be telling you the whole story.  I would do some research if I were you and find out about what is supposed to have happened, from someone other than your boyfriend.  There might be court records or something.  His attitude towards you was not nice and there are some serious red flags in his background.

You are putting yourself in risky situations - why?

Edited August 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

Another thing that is also impacting me emotionally, is: I'm going through a lot of changes in the moment. The day after we decided we were going to go official, my grandfather passed on. I was actually having sex with my boyfriend when my mom was blowing up my phone, to let me know. A week after his service, my grandmother was then admitted in to the hospital for congestive heart failure, a Glycemic attack and Covid, among other things. I'm super close to my grandparents, they are like my actual parents, so this is heart breaking for me. That there is a possibility I might lose two of the most important people in my life this year, its a lot to take on.

I'm now worried that I may have Covid (even though I have tested negative) my car died, so I'm trying to purchase another one, and can't find one, I'm looking for a new job......my season is all over the place. I'm going through things I have never had to go through before. I feel like I'm in a emotional tornado, and I feel like I'm being forced to process this all on my own. I think that is also where the isolation is coming from.

Gee OP this is A LOT.

So you no doubt have a lot of going on.

It's understandable you've had some very strong emotional reactions.

But let this be a testament to how strong you have been and I think with the right help you'll grow stronger each day.

I don't really want to comment on the boyfriend thing because I honestly think that some space away from him will be good.

Ultimately, that is your decision but please do consider it.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, spiderowl said:

If the charge has been brought back, the people involved were not happy for charges to be dismissed.  Further evidence must have been brought forward or someone else willing to testify.  I doubt charges would be brought again unless there was more of a chance of conviction

I was just thinking the same thing. 

Not sure you're getting the whole story from the boyfriend here, OP. It really doesn't sound like it. 

Either way, I think it's going to be best to put this relationship behind you - it's unhealthy on almost every level. 

[Emily O-Hara]

Hello Everyone,

 

I appreciate your advice. It has put some things in to perspective for me. I had a conversation with my boyfriend.

 

Come to find out, he's been feeling exactly how I have been feeling this whole time and he apologized for what he said. Though I did not mention the infidelity. we had a real heart to heart. He misses me a lot, but because we're both on the 'must not show emotions' tip, he didn't say anything. Apparently, we were both playing a game to see if the other cared or not. Really silly of us. We decided that when we are truly feeling something, no matter how insignificant and cringy we think it is, we need to talk to the other about it. We can discuss our trauma and talk about how we're making strides towards becoming better people, but we can't talk about how we feel for the other? Unacceptable.  We're going to try. All in all, we just needed to talk to one another.

 

Also, towards the charges thing: I have tried looking up his case in multiple counties and I don't know if I'm spelling the names wrong or what, but I can't find the case. I even paid for a transcript through my county, and the search came up weak. So....I'm guessing it happened in a county that I am unaware of.

He had a court hearing yesterday where they went over some discovery. It was body cam footage from when he was arrested.  It wasn't much, and nothing was really gleaned from it. But alas. I tried.

[Miss Spider]

It defies all logic how this is any way good… but I suppose I’ll just say.. that’s good. Good for you guys and hope you can continue to stay good ..

[spiderowl]

Did you go to the court hearing with him, OP?  If you did, then you would get a better idea of what is going on.

[poppyfields]

On 8/12/2021 at 2:07 PM, Emily O-Hara said:

Also, towards the charges thing: I have tried looking up his case in multiple counties and I don't know if I'm spelling the names wrong or what, but I can't find the case. I even paid for a transcript through my county, and the search came up weak. So....I'm guessing it happened in a county that I am unaware of

The reason you can't find anything is because the case was most likely filed with the court "under seal," which means not open to public viewing.  Many cases of a sensitive nature  - sexual assault, pedophilia, or involving the government, among others are filed under seal.

That would be my best guess anyway.

 

[Emily O-Hara]

On 8/18/2021 at 6:13 PM, spiderowl said:

Did you go to the court hearing with him, OP?  If you did, then you would get a better idea of what is going on.

 

On 8/18/2021 at 6:26 PM, poppyfields said:

The reason you can't find anything is because the case was most likely filed with the court "under seal," which means not open to public viewing.  Many cases of a sensitive nature  - sexual assault, pedophilia, or involving the government, among others are filed under seal.

That would be my best guess anyway.

 

 

No, I did not. I had to work, and unfortunately my current job does not offer paid time off. I can see what I can do. Funny enough, I actually work in a law office, so I have some tools to my disposal. But I still came up short. I could probably inquire with one of the attorneys as well.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Emily O-Hara said:

Funny enough, I actually work in a law office, so I have some tools to my disposal. But I still came up short. I could probably inquire with one of the attorneys as well.

All the tools in the world or asking other attorneys aren't gonna help you if the case is filed under seal.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/7/2021 at 7:08 PM, Emily O-Hara said:

I also told him that if he went to jail, I wasn't going to wait for him. He said he understood, he supports that decision, and we continued on.

Arrests for any sort of sexual assault should be an instant dealbreaker.

[stillafool]

I don't understand, is there a shortage of men or something?

[Emily O-Hara]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Arrests for any sort of sexual assault should be an instant dealbreaker.

 

Even if you don't believe that they are guilty?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Emily O-Hara said:

Even if you don't believe that they are guilty?

Everyone arrested for sexual assault claims they are not guilty. However many are. He's facing jail time.

[Maldives]

On 8/7/2021 at 4:10 PM, Emily O-Hara said:

Hi All,

 

I would love to hear your advice on my situation. I feel so conflicted on how to act and I cant tell if its just my usual insecurities taking over, possibly ruining a good thing, or if what I'm feeling is actually my intuition.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two months. I've known him for almost a year, before we started looking at each other in a romantic way. We both come from troubled pasts with relationships as people in our 30's, and we have both vowed to ourselves that we will not allow the same issues to appear in our future relationships. With this being said, our relationship thus far has been quite refreshing. There's a level of honesty present that I have never experienced with a partner. And I have fallen in love with him.

We usually see each other on the weekends, due to work, living an hour apart and so forth. We skipped a weekend due to his 'monthly boys only outing' and so I was missing him like mad. He's not much of a texter or phone caller, so I was feenin for him bad. It just so happened that that following weekend was my birthday weekend. I had booked myself a beach vacay and asked if he wanted to come along. He said yes, but he would only be able to meet up with me on that Saturday, and then leave Sunday afternoon. Well, I was late meeting up with him that Saturday, so our 24 hours together was cut short. Because of this, I asked if I could come to his place in two days, and just spend a few nights over there. He said sure.

I come over that Tuesday, and by Friday I could tell that he wanted me to go home. He came home from work that day kinda distant, and was telling me how 'the boys' had invited him out to a boating thing on the lake. He told them he couldn't, he was out with me. Well.....I felt bad. I have this nagging suspicion that he sorta prioritizes his time with them over me, though this could just be my insecurity talking. And for him to ditch them for me, just didn't appear to make him happy, in my eyes. We were going out that night, to a Lesbian bar, so something he would never do unless he was with me. I dressed up kinda flirty and was making comments about how I was gonna nab a girlfriend that night. Though he was laughing, I could tell he was not that amused. I was feeling insecure, so I didn't care.

That was how the whole night went. The bar was a bust, and I just felt really.....unwanted. Especially when he said, 'I think we spent too much time together, too soon.'  and that we shouldn't see each other the next weekend, because we spent the week together, and that was too much. We spent four days together.......and we worked during the day, so out of those 4 days, only 4 to 5 hours were spent together, because he would go to bed around 7:30.

Anyway, Saturday was pretty much the same, though we had sex that morning. He 'jokingly' asked when was my period, and if this was my 'b****y' side. I felt insulted. It was just an iffy day. I felt really insecure and unwanted. I kinda wanted to cry the whole time.

I told him to drop me off at a nail salon, and I got my nails (horribly) done. I went back to his place, where he was getting ready for a concert we agreed he would attend alone (just wasn't interested in the artist). While he was getting ready, he sat down and told me about how his insecurities have been kicking in about my male friends. How he didn't want to 'fight for my heart.' I told him that I had fallen in love with him, and that my heart was his to have. Things quieted a little bit between us, and we were kinda back to our old selves, before he left for the concert.

 

Apparently, he had a blast, made a few friends even, went and hung out with them afterwards, and came crawling in to bed around 3:00 A.M.

I, on the other hand, ate ice cream and watched Bridgerton. I was asleep by 11:30.

 

Sunday was better,  we went out and saw a cajun band. But when he was taking my luggage to my front door, he said, 'jokingly' "See you in a month."  Again...........insecurities came flooding up.

 

I love him, but if he can't stand a week with me, what does that say about our potential future? Its bad enough we only see each other on the weekends, but between that and the 'checking in' texts I get once a day (not a real conversation, just a literal, 'you good' text) his absence just feels so.......apparent. I love him. I lay in bed and I crave just having him beside me, that I sometimes start to cry. I feel so alone, and I don't know how to voice this to him, without me sounding like a 'silly little woman' and completely dismissing my feelings as emotional and unreliable.

 I also have something to admit; the Sunday he left me at the beach Air BNB, I went to bed, and awoke in the middle of the night in complete anxiety. I felt so alone, I was trying not to cry. I couldn't call him, it was like, 10:30 and he was dead asleep. I just felt completely isolated. I ended up inviting a guy I have known for awhile over for company, but one thing turned into another, and I ended up sleeping with him. It was completely my fault, a moment of weakness and insecurity, and I feel completely ashamed of it. I have NEVER cheated on a partner. I told my friends about it, and they advised me to keep it quiet.

But then it makes me think........I am going crazy with longing for this man. I miss him so much when we are apart.......he sees the missing him as necessary to keep our relationship strong, but I see it as torture. I broke, because I was feeling insecure and alone. I was looking for a stand in, because he wasn't there. Is this what my future holds with this man? I don't want anyone else, I want HIM.

 

This week was hard because I was wrestling with the insecurity of feeling like he can't stand prolonged amounts of time with me, that he rather go boating with his friends than see me again this weekend. And that I'm more than likely am not going to see him until later on this month, around the 22nd. He went out tonight, to an event he knew I would be interested in. Didn't invite me. So I made up some stupid story about going to a BDSM club (which I actually do attend, so it's not that unbelievable) and got myself all dolled up in my gear, and sent him pictures. All he said was: Have fun and be safe.

 

I wasn't going to go anywhere, I just wanted to see if he missed me. And wanted to be with me tonight.

 

Should I just break up with him?

Yes what wiseman said a deal-breaker 

Edited August 29, 2021 by Goodguy05