I feel so conflicted

[Emily O-Hara]

Hi All,

 

I would love to hear your advice on my situation. I feel so conflicted on how to act and I cant tell if its just my usual insecurities taking over, possibly ruining a good thing, or if what I'm feeling is actually my intuition.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two months. I've known him for almost a year, before we started looking at each other in a romantic way. We both come from troubled pasts with relationships as people in our 30's, and we have both vowed to ourselves that we will not allow the same issues to appear in our future relationships. With this being said, our relationship thus far has been quite refreshing. There's a level of honesty present that I have never experienced with a partner. And I have fallen in love with him.

We usually see each other on the weekends, due to work, living an hour apart and so forth. We skipped a weekend due to his 'monthly boys only outing' and so I was missing him like mad. He's not much of a texter or phone caller, so I was feenin for him bad. It just so happened that that following weekend was my birthday weekend. I had booked myself a beach vacay and asked if he wanted to come along. He said yes, but he would only be able to meet up with me on that Saturday, and then leave Sunday afternoon. Well, I was late meeting up with him that Saturday, so our 24 hours together was cut short. Because of this, I asked if I could come to his place in two days, and just spend a few nights over there. He said sure.

I come over that Tuesday, and by Friday I could tell that he wanted me to go home. He came home from work that day kinda distant, and was telling me how 'the boys' had invited him out to a boating thing on the lake. He told them he couldn't, he was out with me. Well.....I felt bad. I have this nagging suspicion that he sorta prioritizes his time with them over me, though this could just be my insecurity talking. And for him to ditch them for me, just didn't appear to make him happy, in my eyes. We were going out that night, to a Lesbian bar, so something he would never do unless he was with me. I dressed up kinda flirty and was making comments about how I was gonna nab a girlfriend that night. Though he was laughing, I could tell he was not that amused. I was feeling insecure, so I didn't care.

That was how the whole night went. The bar was a bust, and I just felt really.....unwanted. Especially when he said, 'I think we spent too much time together, too soon.'  and that we shouldn't see each other the next weekend, because we spent the week together, and that was too much. We spent four days together.......and we worked during the day, so out of those 4 days, only 4 to 5 hours were spent together, because he would go to bed around 7:30.

Anyway, Saturday was pretty much the same, though we had sex that morning. He 'jokingly' asked when was my period, and if this was my 'b****y' side. I felt insulted. It was just an iffy day. I felt really insecure and unwanted. I kinda wanted to cry the whole time.

I told him to drop me off at a nail salon, and I got my nails (horribly) done. I went back to his place, where he was getting ready for a concert we agreed he would attend alone (just wasn't interested in the artist). While he was getting ready, he sat down and told me about how his insecurities have been kicking in about my male friends. How he didn't want to 'fight for my heart.' I told him that I had fallen in love with him, and that my heart was his to have. Things quieted a little bit between us, and we were kinda back to our old selves, before he left for the concert.

 

Apparently, he had a blast, made a few friends even, went and hung out with them afterwards, and came crawling in to bed around 3:00 A.M.

I, on the other hand, ate ice cream and watched Bridgerton. I was asleep by 11:30.

 

Sunday was better,  we went out and saw a cajun band. But when he was taking my luggage to my front door, he said, 'jokingly' "See you in a month."  Again...........insecurities came flooding up.

 

I love him, but if he can't stand a week with me, what does that say about our potential future? Its bad enough we only see each other on the weekends, but between that and the 'checking in' texts I get once a day (not a real conversation, just a literal, 'you good' text) his absence just feels so.......apparent. I love him. I lay in bed and I crave just having him beside me, that I sometimes start to cry. I feel so alone, and I don't know how to voice this to him, without me sounding like a 'silly little woman' and completely dismissing my feelings as emotional and unreliable.

 I also have something to admit; the Sunday he left me at the beach Air BNB, I went to bed, and awoke in the middle of the night in complete anxiety. I felt so alone, I was trying not to cry. I couldn't call him, it was like, 10:30 and he was dead asleep. I just felt completely isolated. I ended up inviting a guy I have known for awhile over for company, but one thing turned into another, and I ended up sleeping with him. It was completely my fault, a moment of weakness and insecurity, and I feel completely ashamed of it. I have NEVER cheated on a partner. I told my friends about it, and they advised me to keep it quiet.

But then it makes me think........I am going crazy with longing for this man. I miss him so much when we are apart.......he sees the missing him as necessary to keep our relationship strong, but I see it as torture. I broke, because I was feeling insecure and alone. I was looking for a stand in, because he wasn't there. Is this what my future holds with this man? I don't want anyone else, I want HIM.

 

This week was hard because I was wrestling with the insecurity of feeling like he can't stand prolonged amounts of time with me, that he rather go boating with his friends than see me again this weekend. And that I'm more than likely am not going to see him until later on this month, around the 22nd. He went out tonight, to an event he knew I would be interested in. Didn't invite me. So I made up some stupid story about going to a BDSM club (which I actually do attend, so it's not that unbelievable) and got myself all dolled up in my gear, and sent him pictures. All he said was: Have fun and be safe.

 

I wasn't going to go anywhere, I just wanted to see if he missed me. And wanted to be with me tonight.

 

Should I just break up with him?

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow. A lot to unpack here. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

I asked if I could come to his place in two days, and just spend a few nights over there. He said sure.

I come over that Tuesday, and by Friday I could tell that he wanted me to go home.

You over-stayed your welcome. You said a couple days and you were still there on Friday. Why? You should have stuck to your word and gracefully gone back to your place before that. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

And for him to ditch them for me, just didn't appear to make him happy, in my eyes

Why would that make him happy? He already had plans with them. You were starting to s**t-test him here. That's not fair. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

I dressed up kinda flirty and was making comments about how I was gonna nab a girlfriend that night.

This was a pretty transparent attempt to make him jealous and "punish" him for keeping his own plans, and he knew that. That's why he was annoyed by this comment. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

he said, 'I think we spent too much time together, too soon.'  and that we shouldn't see each other the next weekend

This was the first clue that he was backing out of this relationship. You want a lot of together-time, and he wants more space. Big incompatibility there. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

He 'jokingly' asked when was my period, and if this was my 'b****y' side.

This was unnecessarily rude of him. For sure. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

But when he was taking my luggage to my front door, he said, 'jokingly' "See you in a month." 

He was only half-joking here. Another sign he was tiring of this relationship, and it was a stupid thing of him to say. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

I just felt completely isolated. I ended up inviting a guy I have known for awhile over for company, but one thing turned into another, and I ended up sleeping with him.

GIRL. What the hell. Feeling alone is not a reason to cheat. Your response to not being with your boyfriend for a night is to have sex with another man? It wasn't "one thing led to another", to let's be real. It was you knowing exactly what you were doing. And it was wrong.  Your friends advising you to keep quiet are enabling your poor choices, because they know this guy would dump you if told him you cheated and you would fall apart. 

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

.I am going crazy with longing for this man. I miss him so much when we are apart.......he sees the missing him as necessary to keep our relationship strong, but I see it as torture

This is over-the-top for a guy you've dated for 2 months. Gluing yourself to someone else to ease your insecurity is just not a healthy way to handle relationships, as you're seeing. You've got some inner work to do if spending reasonable time apart sends you into this sort of anxiety spiral. 

2 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

So I made up some stupid story about going to a BDSM club (which I actually do attend, so it's not that unbelievable) and got myself all dolled up in my gear, and sent him pictures. All he said was: Have fun and be safe.

I wasn't going to go anywhere, I just wanted to see if he missed me.

Again with the juvenile s**t-tests. OP, it's so obvious what you were doing there, and that he sees right through you. That's why he's not playing your games and simply told you to have a good night. He's know what's up, and he's not having it. 

2 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

Should I just break up with him?

Yes, without a doubt. But not just because he isn't as into you and doesn't spend all his time with you. You should break up with him because, with all due respect, you are not ready for a mature relationship. You play games, try to manipulate him with jealousy, can't handle a few nights apart, and cheat. This is already over. You really need to work on your extreme anxiety and dishonest and astonishingly hypocritical behaviour. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he wants more autonomy and space and you want more togetherness and attention.

You don't seem compatible with regard to that. Yes end it before it devolves into a big heartache. Cut your losses.

[Acacia98]

OP, @ExpatInItaly has given you excellent advice. Do pay close attention to her words.

Also, I have a feeling you want to be with this one guy precisely because he's keeping you at arm's length and will probably never want to be with you as much as you need him to want you. This relationship dynamic may reflect a pattern from an earlier period in your life. The sense of familiarity may be why you are so convinced that this is the guy you want to be with.

This is not the guy for you, though. When a relationship awakens your insecurities to the extent that you're willing to cheat, it's time to end it.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[introverted1]

You've only been dating exclusively for 2 months and you already cheated?  That's your answer to dealing with your insecurities?

Do this guy a favor and let him go.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

This is not the guy for you, though. When a relationship awakens your insecurities to the extent that you're willing to cheat, it's time to end it.

Definitely on the last part.

But, if I may add to this because I believe it is pertinent to the OP, it may not be because it is the "wrong" person.

Insecurities (albeit not to this extreme) might exist even when you are with the proper person.

Having said that:

7 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

There's a level of honesty present that I have never experienced with a partner.

And what does that feel like for you Emily O-Hara?

7 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

Should I just break up with him?

Yes. 

[ShyViolet]

This guy couldn't be making it more clear that he's not into you anymore.  He was acting annoyed by your presence, even making rude comments which I think he was doing on purpose just to distance himself from this relationship, and he said that he thinks you and him have spent "too much time together too soon."  I think this relationship has run its course.  You've only been dating him less than two months, that's nothing.  That's not enough time for you to be so dramatically attached to him and telling him that you're in love with him.  You need to stop.

[glows]

There are a lot of passive aggressive comments from him and he’s losing interest. Continuing to pursue him or initiate /ask to spend time or go over to his place will backfire. I believe he’s looking for last reasons to break up with you and is gathering the courage to do so if you can’t get a grip and learn to be more comfortable being on your own. 

Good for you for continuing to attend your events and enjoy your hobbies/interests. 

[poppyfields]

OP, agree with others, but to add moving forward, a bit of space/distance is absolutely necessary to not only sustain a relationship but to sustain feelings.  

He's right, missing each other is good!  Longing for each other is good! 

Even in a LTR imo, but this was only 2 months, he was still in the process of moving towards you, moving closer to you, and you thwarted that natural process with your anxiety, insecurity, games and excessive demands/pressure to spend more time together.

I'm even questioning if what you were feeling is love; your behaviour was in NO way loving or even respectful.  Not just the cheating but ALL of it.

Your "love" was based on an empty hole inside your core. That is NOT love, it's an unhealthy dependency and need to fill an internal void.

No man will ever be able to fill it, you will need and demand more and more until you squeeze every last drop of feeling right out of him, just as you have done here.

There are many lessons to be learned from this experience so all is not for naught.

Seek therapy.  Find out what's missing inside of you, inside your core, that demands so much attention to fill.  And that causes you to believe that cheating on a man you claim to love is how to soothe anxiety and fill that empty core. 

Learn to become whole and complete on your own before embarking on a relationship.

A boyfriend/relationship should enhance our already fulfilling and complete life, NOT be our life. 

All the best moving forward.

Edited August 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

You are trying to make a bf out of a guy who doesn't want to be a bf.
Stop wasting your time.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

8 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

We both come from troubled pasts with relationships as people in our 30's, and we have both vowed to ourselves that we will not allow the same issues to appear in our future relationships.

I think you're not quite ready for the relationship you seek. It's one thing to agree to not carry forward patterns but another to do your own work to ensure you have addessed those old patterns, understood why you did them, and then change them. Your bf may have his own issues but, since you can only change you, focus on what you need to learn about yourself so you can have a healthy relationship. You'll probably need outside input to help. 

[introverted1]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are trying to make a bf out of a guy who doesn't want to be a bf.

Well, to be fair, a woman who is sleeping with other men, joking about picking up women with her bf present, and making up stories about going to a BDSM club, isn't much of a gf.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

Well, to be fair, a woman who is sleeping with other men, joking about picking up women with her bf present, and making up stories about going to a BDSM club, isn't much of a gf.

Agreed.

[smackie9]

You are not getting what you want. I understand that. When you do want or would like something, it interrupts his life and what he wants to do. That's not a match at all. This is why we date. To see if they fit into our lives, and if they fulfill our expectations. Time to call it a day on this one. Boot him to the curb.

Edited August 7, 2021 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, next time you feel unwanted at a partner's house, leave. Period. Don't explain. Don't check into what he is feeling. Don't try to understand. Just leave. Period. When you feel unwanted, there's a 99.99999 percent chance the person does not want you! 

Ball will then be in his court to repair the situation. Do NO work to repair if someone is acting like they don't want you around. 

 Never put on something sexy or try to revive or change someone's feelings. No.

So you set yourself up for the fling. You banged your head against the wall. Got mad that the wall didn't fall. Then you felt entitled to have a fling to comfort yourself. But you were banging your head against the wall from the first moment you sensed he didn't want you around. Note: our bodies are extremely perceptive about when someone doesn't want us around. Their behavior is striking and very different from their behavior when they are happy to have us around. Pay attention to that feeling! 

But I don't think your fling has ruined anything because you should have already dumped this guy.  He has basically already dumped you. He just hasn't made an announcement.  He has apparently changed his mind about you and doesn't want to date you anymore. He just doesn't have the guts to tell you that his feelings have changed. So he's stringing you along--and abandoning you--in the hope that you get the hint. 

Cut things with him. This is over. Any hesitation on your part is just going to lead to more heartache. Fling away. Because there is no original relationship anymore. 

Edited August 7, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Pumpernickel]

I agree that he’s not too interested in a serious relationship with you. At least at the moment.
It’s either you, or he just doesn’t like being with someone too “intensively” in general. I can relate. I don’t like house guests too much, either, even when I’m “in love” with a man. I prefer a healthy distance and quick weekend trips or whatever over playing house like a married couple, especially if it’s in my home, haha.

Quality over quantity, especially in the beginning. If your mindset is a different one, though, I completely understand that you’re hurt. What I don’t understand is inviting a different guy over to your Airbnb to have sex. That I cannot relate to, especially because you are saying that you “love” your BF. Not sure what that’s all about….

[Emily O-Hara]

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate your advice.

 

A few things, I want to add:

 

I'm usually not this emotional when it comes to my partner. My previous relationship had a similar set up; we saw each other once on the weekends and that routine worked for me, but it didn't for my partner at the time. That being said, I wasn't too crazy about the guy. This time around, I feel so deeply for him. We were friends before romance was even on the table. So I've always cared about him, it's just now become intensified. When you're in love, spending just six hours together once a week, doesn't feel like much.

 

I'm also trying to be more emotionally open, because the criticism I have received from previous partners is that I seem too emotionally removed, too clinical. So I'm trying to apply that here, and so with that, it comes with a whole bunch of things. You can't be just a little bit emotional, it's either you're gonna be emotional or not, and with being emotional comes all of the positive and negative.

 

Another thing that is also impacting me emotionally, is: I'm going through a lot of changes in the moment. The day after we decided we were going to go official, my grandfather passed on. I was actually having sex with my boyfriend when my mom was blowing up my phone, to let me know. A week after his service, my grandmother was then admitted in to the hospital for congestive heart failure, a Glycemic attack and Covid, among other things. I'm super close to my grandparents, they are like my actual parents, so this is heart breaking for me. That there is a possibility I might lose two of the most important people in my life this year, its a lot to take on.

I'm now worried that I may have Covid (even though I have tested negative) my car died, so I'm trying to purchase another one, and can't find one, I'm looking for a new job......my season is all over the place. I'm going through things I have never had to go through before. I feel like I'm in a emotional tornado, and I feel like I'm being forced to process this all on my own. I think that is also where the isolation is coming from.

Its not an excuse, just what I'm currently dealing with at the moment. I don't want to push him away but I also don't want to be a drain on him. He has his own stuff, like child custody dispute with his ex wife, he's trying to find a better job, a criminal charge, his own depression.......I don't want to add more on to HIS plate either. But at the same time, when we hang out, it makes life a little easier with the other in the world. And I feel like if he can't stand 6 days, where for four of them, we spent a grand total of 8 hours together, and he can't take that. He did say that his ex girlfriend moved in quite quickly, and girls have a tendency of jumping in to his house too quickly. Maybe he thought I was trying to do that, which I find offensive, to be honest.

I feel emotionally all over the place, is what I'm saying. This is not normal for me.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Emily O-Hara

[Emily O-Hara]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Definitely on the last part.

But, if I may add to this because I believe it is pertinent to the OP, it may not be because it is the "wrong" person.

Insecurities (albeit not to this extreme) might exist even when you are with the proper person.

Having said that:

And what does that feel like for you Emily O-Hara?

Yes. 

 It felt like I could be transparent about my feelings. But now, I'm not so sure.

I don't know, I just don't want to come across as an emotional woman to him.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Emily O-Hara said:

child custody dispute with his ex wife, a criminal charge, his own depression

These are all red flags adding to your already existing stress. What are the charges? Violence? DUI?

[smackie9]

It sounds to me  it's just bad timing. You both have way too much going on that's affecting your lives negatively. You both really don't have the emotional capacity to put your all into a relationship at this time. So I can see he's using his alone/friends time as his relief, leaving you very little.

[FMW]

After only 2 months together I wouldn't  want to spend Tue-Fri with a guy, no matter how much I liked him.  I need time to grow into it - maybe he's the same.  

If that's  not OK with you, fair enough, but it means you move on and meet someone else.  Don't keep pushing for more time together or secretly hook up with another guy.  

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Emily O-Hara said:

I don't know, I just don't want to come across as an emotional woman to him.

It's good to be emotional when it comes from a caring place.

Your actions (or, should I say, reactions) were diametrically opposed.

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

We were going out that night, to a Lesbian bar, so something he would never do unless he was with me.

Why did you think he'd be interested to go to a Lesbian bar?

 

15 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

So I made up some stupid story about going to a BDSM club

 Why are you making up stupid lies to get his attention?  I'm sure he say right through this lie.

After having to call another guy over for sex because you say your bf was asleep at 10:30 and you couldn't wake him tells me you should seek therapy for why you can't be without a man for a 24 hour period?  Plus you were at an Air BNB so where did you get this man for sex from in the middle of the night?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

I just don't want to come across as an emotional woman to him.

At this point, that's the least of your concerns with this whole relationship. 

But for what it's worth, it's one thing to be an emotional person. It's another to lack appropriate self-regulation skills when it comes to emotional upset. You haven't got  a mature set of skills there yet, if you resort to lying to make him jealous and having sex with someone else because you're feeling lonely on a given night. That's the sign that something is really off. 

I would strongly encourage you to stay single for a while and work on this. This relationship is on its last legs, even if he doesn't know you cheated, but you can take this time to truly do an honest and thorough self-inventory about what led you here. 

[ShyViolet]

You have a lot of stress in your life right now and you are in a difficult place emotionally, OK fair enough.  Then you are not ready to date.  You're not in the emotional headspace to be in a relationship.  Your behavior has been all over the place.  Accept that and take this time to get your life in order.  Honestly, whether or not you admit that, it sounds like this guy is on the verge of dumping you anyway.

16 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

But then it makes me think........I am going crazy with longing for this man. I miss him so much when we are apart.......he sees the missing him as necessary to keep our relationship strong, but I see it as torture.

This is not love, this is dysfunctional co-dependency.