Housewife duties/chores

[Seliana]

5 hours ago, calmingdays said:

Thank you for your replies, in regards to him contributing, he wont as he works. He doesnt see it as a team effort. Its my job and thats ok, i understand that. Im not a perfectionist, i have 2 children, they are 4 and 6 years old so no house is going to be perfect. I dont clean from 5am until 8pm, i clean every spare minute i have outwith dishes, laundry, shopping, activities with the children etc. My days are always planned. I clean everything, every day, windows, vacuum everywhere including behind furniture and under beds, dusting, glass, sofas etc, i have to clean every surface and floor daily as well as the usual tasks of kitchen area, bathrooms, tidying, launrdy, ironing, dining area etc . The only things i dont clean daily are inside of our closets, light fixtures on the roof and our gardens, i do them once per week. My children do help, they are very good at tidying up after themselves, cant say the same for my husband, which i shouldnt really say. I just dont know how to change what i do. If i calm down cleaning then he is angry im not doing it but if i do the lists he writes hes complaining i dont spend enough time. Ive tried to change the schedule to doing certain things less often but it doesn't work out. 

 

5 hours ago, calmingdays said:

I will try this, thank you. Hopefully he listens. Last time i tried to talk to him about it he basically said he gets all his work done within his hours so i should be able to get mine done. Which i understand, i do get all my work done just not early enough for him, thats why i was thimking about getting up earlier. He and my children get up at 6.30am. We get from around 8pm until we go to bed together. And we see each other once he's home from work and his days off. To be honesy i just dont really know what he wants me to do. I have his list of daily and weekly chores, i created a schedule to fit them all in as well as parenting, everything i have to do for him and everything else. I would ask him to make the shedule for me but he has no clue about all the other things i have to do outwith cleaning if that makes sense. 

Hon, I have to agree with other posters, this is NUTS. You have way too many things on your daily list, getting up earlier is going to make this whole dynamic much worse for you. Try to get the kids involved helping to tidy up to get them trained from a young age, otherwise you will have even more to do. I wouldn't even bother having a discussion with your husband, this is absurd. If he wants things OCD clean, then I guess he'll need to get off his ass and fix it to suit himself. If it's you who's OCD, you need to get some help (therapy), otherwise, you will burn yourself out.

1 hour ago, calmingdays said:

He is 45, he has a list of things he wants me to do everyday/week. Its up to me how i do them. I would say is demanding in a way, he likes things done his way i suppose. Im used to it so i just automatically do them. I dont usally speak about our intimacy especially to strangers. But he does get it whenever he wants, usually daily. So i dont think its that. I just think i need to wake earlier to get more done and try to speak to him about the daily things that dont actually need done daily. It was easier before children, and easier when they were babies. He knows i would never cheat on him, but yes i suppose he does like to keep me busy at home. No its not a bdsm relationship! I honestly dont know what he means by time with him, i do everything he asks.  I put my children to bed at 7pm, then usally last minute tidying away and any extra dishes, laundry etc until around 8 pm 

Has he ever implied he keeps you "too busy to cheat"? My exH mentioned similar things, and was the one who was cheating...

Have you thought about going back to work when the kids get older? This is not a healthy situation, he has no respect for you. You're his appliance and prostitute at the moment. 

[Acacia98]

41 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

And like i said before, i tried to talk to him about it before and he basically said he gets his work done within his hour, so why shouldnt i, hes right, he doesnt bring his work home, he finishes on time. I should too, i try to aim to be finshed by 7pm when i put my children to bed, so i have the rest of the night to spend with him. Thats why i was thinking about getting up at 4am instead of 5. That gives me 2 hours before he and the kids wake up. But most people on here dont seem to think that's a good idea. 

Has it occurred to you that he gets his work done on time because he assigns himself a reasonable amount of work for his regular workday or his employer assigns him a reasonable amount of work for his workday? You, on the other hand, have a husband who expects you to do a lot more work than it is possible to complete within your set workday. So he's set you up to fail. I bet it doesn't matter what you do. Even if you were able to achieve everything he expected of you, I am convinced he would shift the goalposts and find a way to make it seem like you were not doing enough.

Unfortunately, you make the mistake of viewing him as an expert/authority when it comes to housework. He is not. You are. In an ideal world, you would reclaim your authority and set reasonable, humane goals for yourself that allowed you to get things done and still have time for yourself, the kids and him. In the real world, it sounds like your husband is a domineering tyrant and you're accustomed to submitting to his bullying. So I don't know if you would be able to stand up for yourself.

Are you scared of your husband? Would you be able to tell him that he was being an idiot if you sincerely felt that he was?

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

He is off work on the weekends

What does he do on the weekend? 

[calmingdays]

But he works. My job is his housewife, so its my job to do it. The children are good at helping me, they do their toys, and have 3 chores each. He hasnt actually said he does it to stop me cheating but he does like me at home most of the time. Which i dont mind. I would never call him an idiot or anything like that! Im not scared of him as such, he wouldnt beat me up or anything, he does have a firm hand with me like most men with their wives. But hes not bad. I need to find a way to approach him about the schedule without him thinking i just dont want to do it

[calmingdays]

Saturday, He usally takes the children out for a few hours in the morning then plays his music (drums) in his office then meets his friends for card games. Sundays he usally stays infront of the tv

[SoulCat]

28 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

 Hes not controlling, he just, i dont know, likes things his way. Most men are like that arent they. 

He most definitely is controlling. His behaviour is controlling, his attitude towards you is controlling.

And no, most men are not like that. Not even close.

 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Saturday, He usally takes the children out for a few hours in the morning then plays his music (drums) in his office then meets his friends for card games. Sundays he usally stays infront of the tv

In other words, he has no jobs on the weekend. Only you. 

[calmingdays]

Do you really believe he is controlling? Even though im the housewife, its my job? Ive never thought about hi mbeing controlling before, ive just taken it as normal for woman.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, SoulCat said:

He most definitely is controlling. His behaviour is controlling, his attitude towards you is controlling.

 

8 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

he does have a firm hand with me like most men with their wives.

Depending on your culture and where you live, this may or may not be seen as the norm. 

It is not the norm in the western world.

[calmingdays]

But he works all week, he deserves to rest on his days off. Im from the uk

[SoulCat]

8 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

he does have a firm hand with me like most men with their wives. 

Say what? Where do you guys live, the 1950's??

No, nope and oh h*ll no.

Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. Yours sounds like you have very unequal, master & servant type dynamic.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

But he works all week, he deserves to rest on his days off. Im from the uk

And you don’t deserve to rest on the weekend? You work from 6am to 8pm Monday to Friday - potentially 4am to 8pm on Monday to Friday. When do you get to rest? 

What would happen if this light fixtures are not cleaned on the weekend? 

[calmingdays]

Funny you say that, he always jokes with me that we have a 1950s marriage when woman were property and werent allowed pockets. 

His running joke over the years. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by calmingdays

[SoulCat]

Just now, calmingdays said:

Funny you say that, he always jokes with me that we have a 1950s marriage when woman were property and werent allowed pockets. 

Yeah, I'm not so sure he's actually joking.

[Seliana]

1 minute ago, calmingdays said:

Funny you say that, he always jokes with me that we have a 1950s marriage when woman were property and werent allowed pockets. 

Then you know how he sees you...

As an appliance, babymaker and hooker.

 

Men like that also see nothing wrong with having a side piece. 

A fair arrangement as a housewife would be the same total hours of work that he does, then the rest is evenly split or it doesn't get done. So make your chores, including childcare fit into the 40hrs he spends at work, NOT do more. I agree with people who said he's setting you up to fail, that keeps you off-balance and feeling you aren't good enough while he sits on his ass watching TV.

[calmingdays]

He doesnt see me like that. Hes just joking. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

He doesnt see me like that. Hes just joking. 

And yet, he is the master of the house who gets to does nothing around the house and gets to rest on the weekend because he works all week while you work yourself to exhaustion cleaning the things on the list he creates every single day - to his standard. 

I would suggest that fifties husbands were less controlling and wives had a better quality of living. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

2 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

But he works. My job is his housewife, so its my job to do it. The children are good at helping me, they do their toys, and have 3 chores each. He hasnt actually said he does it to stop me cheating but he does like me at home most of the time. Which i dont mind. I would never call him an idiot or anything like that! Im not scared of him as such, he wouldnt beat me up or anything, he does have a firm hand with me like most men with their wives. But hes not bad. I need to find a way to approach him about the schedule without him thinking i just dont want to do it

I had a friend who had similar views to yours early in her marriage. She wanted to be the "perfect" wife and mother and her husband set unreasonably high standards for her. She ended up damaging her knees (yes, it really was the housework that did that). She spent the rest of her life in pain, had to get knee replacement surgery, spent many of her days in a wheelchair. Her husband and kids got on with their lives. Not one of them was too keen on sacrificing a second of their active, fulfilling lives to be a caregiver for her.

She had a lot of regrets about being precisely the type of wife you want to be here. In fact, she (a deeply religious woman) told me that her biggest mistake was treating her husband like he was God. She's dead now. A lifetime of sacrificing herself for other people ultimately took a toll on her health.

You know what made her snap out of her "My husband is always right and I must obey him" mode of thinking? Her husband made irresponsible financial choices and bankrupted the family. My friend had to rejoin the workforce later in life, when she was ailing, so that she could afford to pay her medical bills and save something for retirement. 

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: other women don't "do it" as you claim. Have you had a conversation with mothers? Ones who work outside and inside the house and those who work inside the house.

Chronic sleep deprivation, isolation, lack of good conversation with adults, powerlessness (if they are with someone like your husband), fatigue, guilt, 24-7 pressure to get meals done and laundry done and permission slips signed and doctors visits arranged, all of which makes it hard for them to attend to their own needs. 

You can't stay in a relationship with him playing cards on weekends and then watching TV. I'm sorry: you can try all you want, but you will hate him. And/or you will want to have an affair. And your kids will notice that dad is a distant jerk and mom always tired. Your body will shut down. You'll try to deny your dislike of him, but your body won't play along. 

Oh, he claims he gets his work done. Have you talked to his bosses? Is he racking up promotions? Is he a superstar at work? But look, his comment is just plain dumb, no other bigger necessary. Just paleolithic dumb. Work is 100 times more structured than maintaining a household and raising children. Work for most folks is structured: do x, do y, Z is bob's job across the hall, K is Mary's job. In the house, EVERYTHING is the homemaker's job. Everything, including that the washing machine isn't working and a technician needs to be called and oh, the homemaker has to arrange all the other stuff so that she is home for the technician to arrive. 

I'm being rough on your husband because I think you are giving him way too much credit. Don't assume he's smarter than you or a better worker than you or that he has some deep well of wisdom. No he doesn't. Just hearing some of the statements you reveal here indicate he's not particularly bright and certainly not creative and imaginative. 

So believe in yourself. Trust your feelings if you're feeling like you're working nonstop. Trust that. You aren't making this up. 

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, SoulCat said:

He most definitely is controlling. His behaviour is controlling, his attitude towards you is controlling.

 

Yes this is the only problem. Nothing to do with cleaning, 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, calmingdays said:

he wouldnt beat me up or anything, he does have a firm hand with me like most men with their wives. 

What on EARTH?  You are either straight out of a time machine from the 1950's, or Iran.  Wake up and join the 21st century.  Women have rights now.

You have an extremely controlling husband and a dysfunctional marriage.  This is unhealthy to say the least.  You are allowing him to treat you like a slave.  I can't even believe that you think all this is normal.  

[calmingdays]

Thank you all for your replies. Youve given me a lot to think about. I know people dont understand why, or think im pretending, but yous don't live my life and havent for the last 12 years. I just wake up and do everything without even thinking, i am on autopilot, i almost never think about life outside my home, i dont think about wether my husband is right or not, i just do what he says. Him being angry with me when i give him so much is confusing to me, its upsetting to me and i just want to fix it and do better. I know people dont understand, i wouldn't understand other womans decisions but i dont judge them. 

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

I know people dont understand, i wouldn't understand other womans decisions but i dont judge them. 

We’re not judging you. We respect the work that you do and the fact that you are a devoted and obviously very hard working wife and mother. That role is important to you (as it is to me) and you do it well. You asked for options of how to have better manage your time to get all your work done and you have received many opinions and some good advice. Hopefully some of these things have been helpful for you - at the end of the day, we are concerned for you. The division of labour in your home seems unmanageable and unsustainable - but that is for you to figure out. The more concerning thing for me is that it doesn’t sound like you have the ability to negotiate with your husband and his anger makes you anxious and insecure. That’s a terrible way to live your life - working to please another who is never happy. I wish you luck and I hope you are able to find a better balance and take care of yourself. I worry about what you are teaching your children about self care, marriage, and life.

ETA. My mother taught me how to keep a clean home, she was a devoted wife and mother… but she also told me to follow my dreams, to get an education such that I could be independent and never have to rely on a man, and never to settle for a man that didn’t respect me. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[basil67]

6 hours ago, calmingdays said:

Do they honestly not clean their homes everyday? Just the minimum? I wish he would help more, which is just silly to be honest because he told me when i was pregnant what he was going to do.

Hell no!   I'm a stay at home mum and don't do remotely as much work as you on a daily basis.  The insides of my closets have never been cleaned - I did not know it was a thing. 

Here is the rest of my cleaning as what would be ideal:  The insides of my kitchen cupboards get done about once or twice a year.  My windows get cleaned every few months, the dusting gets done weekly, vacuum and floors washed weekly, clean the shower screens and bath fortnightly,  sweep the floors when I notice the dust, with spot cleans done on the kitchen floor as required, hob gets cleaned about every second day.  The reason I say "ideal" is that I am a bit tardy at times.

Lastly, my husband is the breadwinner and every night he assists with helping clean the kitchen after dinner and the mess from the parrots.

@calmingdays When your husband told you what he was going to do, did you get any input into this decision?  Or did he just make a unilateral decision?

[calmingdays]

Thank you BaileyB you have been very kind. 

Wow you really only clean that much??? That's insane to me. When i fell pregnant, i quit my job to obviously focus our baby. Before we had her,  he told me what he was willing to do help wise once the baby came. He hasnt changed that in the 6 years since we started having children. So i cant expect him to suddenly do more.