Constant Rumination on my partner's sexual past!

[Counterproductive88]

Good morning to all, I hope you've had a nice week so far. I've searched the internet for quite some time and read many similar stories, yet have not found a solution to overcome this personal issue. I think it is a form of OCD / Rumination and I'm nearing my edge with it.

I would like to start off by stating that I'm fully aware it's an issue within myself, not my partner or past partners. I have tried to overcome this issue multiple different ways. Online courses, reading books, and by utilizing 2 different counselors. In addition, I visited a specialist and tried to receive A.R.T. (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) which helps those with PTSD and other forms of trauma. Unfortunately, this issue is still going strong within me.

I'm a 30 year old male who if you met in person, would likely instantly get along with. I'm a down to earth, laid back, friendly, business owner who tries to have a deep understanding for all things. While most areas of my life are great, I struggle SIGNIFICANTLY with thoughts of my partner's sexual past.

This all started when I was 17 years old and entered my 1st "serious" relationship. She and I were both virgins, yet she had Mod cut. with a guy. She didn't tell me until 8 months into the relationship and for some reason, it flared up visual thoughts of the act occurring with her. We dated for 2-3 years but those thoughts remained throughout the entire relationship and caused me A LOT of anxiety and depression.

I was then single for a couple of years and dated very casually, with these thoughts showing no sign of being around anymore. I thought I was free of them. Until I developed the feeling of love towards someone. Then all of the past stories they had told me (that didn't matter when we were strictly friends) came to the forefront of my mind and the same thing happened.. I grew distant, less affectionate, etc.

Throughout my 20's this occurred in nearly every relationship. It didn't matter if they had been with 0 guys, 5 guys, 10 guys, 12 guys, or 20 guys. My mind always found something to latch onto and dwell on.


My current relationship is one that I thought would've been a dream come true. She and I have been very close friends since we were 15-16 years old (since 10th grade in HS). We always had a magnetic pull towards each other and felt that we were to be together, however college took us separate ways. Throughout our 20's, we remained close and visited each other a few times a year. Upon graduating with her Master's, she decided to move to where I'm located to pursue a relationship. Unfortunately a casual conversation was had regarding our sexual pasts. She stated that she had always thought she had something wrong with her, as she never craved anyone sexually, not even guys she had dated for 1-3 years. That she would look for excuses to avoid sex with them and that she cared for them more on a "friend level" and enjoyed their intellect. She ultimately told me that she had been with 7 people, all of whom she was dating.

Originally I felt relieved, thinking to myself "7 at the age of 28-29 isn't too many. Especially since she has been living in a college town for 6-8 years and none are one night stands or casual sex". Very quickly though I noticed my mind started latching onto specific details and it was warping my view of the two of us being together.

She stated how "inexperienced she is" and that she was nervous of what my expectations would be. That 3 of the 7 people she had only had sex with 2-3 times during the entire relationship. I asked why she did at all since had stated she never wanted to have sex and would try to avoid it, to which she replied with by saying that "sex is expected in relationships. I would make excuses and put it off for quite some time but eventually I felt like I had to give in as I liked them and felt obligated"... Fair enough but I find that unfortunate to be the reasoning why.

The thing I find bothering me the most is not necessarily the number (I don't care about the 4 long term relationships at all and could even hang out with them), it's the fact that one of the guys she dated "completed the act" in her when she had specifically said she was not comfortable with it.. Before everyone jumps on me asking why I would ask such personal questions that are not my business... I would like to say I didn't ask. She informed me of this when we were strictly friends and she was telling me because of how upset she was at the time. She said that they had sex twice, the first time with protection and the 2nd time without protection. The 2nd time he randomly finished (without asking or discussing if she was comfortable with it). She said she felt very disrespected as he knew he concern regarding that type of stuff and that it resulted in a big argument, the last time they had sex, and he went to purchase Plan B. This replays through my mind endlessly, like a movie on repeat.

I'm plagued by this thought.... the thought that another man out there has done this to her. I'm aware she is not my property and that she's a human being entitled to her own experiences but I view this act as something very special and it crushes me to think it happened between her and someone else. She never "allowed" for anyone to do that, not even after dating 2-3 years. I try to keep it to myself as I know she talks about how bad of an experience it is but I find myself sometimes thinking of how nice it would be to be with someone who has never had that occur.

I feel extreme guilt with my thoughts, it eats me up. I also try to be rational by telling myself "You're 30 years old. Anyone else you date will likely have had this act occur and they also likely will have done much more sexually, or had a higher partner count". Rational and logic thoughts don't seem to be helping me in the slightest. Some days I think to myself "7 partners is to many, I need to break up" or "The fact that she's had that act occur, I need to break up. Could I live out my days knowing that my gf or wife has had another man do that to them?" The solution doesn't seem to be to break up though, as I have read stories of people dealing with a very similar issue over a simple kiss. So I could essentially break up with someone who I originally planned on being my life partner, only to experience it again and again with people I am less compatible with. This feels like an actual sickness. It is distracting me from work, home life, sleeping, etc. It's on my mind 24/7 and it is physically cringeworthy. I'm not sure how to get relief or what to do. It honestly feels like someone who suffers from this is destined to a life of being single. It's very unfortuante.

Thoughts or advice?

Perhaps some hard truth of what I would expect if I was dating another 29-30 year old?

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

An ex had retroactive jealousy so I am a bit familiar with this.

I would say continue (if you aren't) with therapy.

I think that's your safest bet.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[smackie9]

I think when you have your first date, tell them to never disclose any sexual past with you. Ignorance is bliss.

[kendahke]

20 minutes ago, Counterproductive88 said:

I think it is a form of OCD / Rumination and I'm nearing my edge with it.

Therapy is what you need to get the tools to help you navigate your way out of this mine field.

Dr. Tracey Marks (psychiatrist) has a video on youtube about ruminating--you should look it up and watch it.  She explains what it is.

Quote

Perhaps some hard truth of what I would expect if I was dating another 29-30 year old?

She's had more than one sexual partner

She may have been married and is now divorced/annulled/separated--you have to find out which

She has children

She's had way better men than you in the past

She's had way worse men than you in the past

All that is in the past--we live in the now. Nothing spins the earth backwards for a redo.

As far as this chick is concerned, she sounds as if she's asexual and isn't checking for any man on that tip.

Quote

I'm plagued by this thought.... the thought that another man out there has done this to her.

If you can't tolerate the idea of not having a virgin, then you need to learn to read the room and quit trying with women who don't meet your purity test.

Edited August 5, 2021 by kendahke

[Counterproductive88]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

An ex had retroactive jealousy so I am a bit familiar with this.

I would say continue (if you aren't) with therapy.

I think that's your safest bet.

I appreciate you being kind with your response, rather than the typical bashing I see many respond to others with. It truly is very challenging to experience and it sounds silly to many. I think it is one of those things that is hard to take serious until you experience it yourself. I also think it correlates with other mental illness such as OCD and Anxiety. 

The woman I'm with now I have been nearly best friends with since the age of 15. We've always joked that if we dated, we would get married. We loved each other before ever dating due to the 15 years of friendship. I am completely blind sided by this and also very sad that this is occurring in my relationship.

[Counterproductive88]

2 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Therapy is what you need to get the tools to help you navigate your way out of this mine field.

Dr. Tracey Marks (psychiatrist) has a video on youtube about ruminating--you should look it up and watch it.  She explaines what it is.

Thank you very much for sharing. I will look this up now!

[Counterproductive88]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I think when you have your first date, tell them to never disclose any sexual past with you. Ignorance is bliss.

I would have to agree here. I think it took me a couple of relationships to determine I had this issue. Some of my past girlfriends had quite a high partner count (in my opinion), so I thought it was natural to be slightly bothered by it. But my current gf and I have talked about being together for many years and now this has occurred. I don't want any more first dates, I want to marry this woman but I know that I can't until this is overcome. 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, Counterproductive88 said:

I appreciate you being kind with your response, rather than the typical bashing I see many respond to others with. It truly is very challenging to experience and it sounds silly to many. I think it is one of those things that is hard to take serious until you experience it yourself. I also think it correlates with other mental illness such as OCD and Anxiety. 

The woman I'm with now I have been nearly best friends with since the age of 15. We've always joked that if we dated, we would get married. We loved each other before ever dating due to the 15 years of friendship. I am completely blind sided by this and also very sad that this is occurring in my relationship.

It's very real.

And, as I understand it, quite distressing.

I'm glad to hear you have a good friendship with this woman - that's important.

 

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Counterproductive88 said:

....

Throughout my 20's this occurred in nearly every relationship. It didn't matter if they had been with 0 guys, 5 guys, 10 guys, 12 guys, or 20 guys. My mind always found something to latch onto and dwell on.

...
Thoughts or advice?

Perhaps some hard truth of what I would expect if I was dating another 29-30 year old?

The hard truth is you likely have some obsessive disorder.   Therapy is my advice, this is way outside the ballpark of just general advice...after all you know  the general advice, you know this is unusual, you know this is negatively impacting your ability to maintain relationships, you want it to stop but you don't know how despite trying.    To me all this says professional help is called for as amateur help is not helping all that much.

[spiderowl]

I can imagine it must be distressing.  Rationally, you realise that you should not put great store on your partner's 'purity' but your unconscious mind won't let the subject go.

I expect you have discussed this with your therapist but what is it exactly that bothers you?

- Is it a feeling that someone has intruded on your 'territory'

- that she is no longer 'pure' in some way

- that you are afraid she might leave you for someone else if she has already had more than one partner?

- do you feel your health is threatened?

- do you feel any of these past intruders might reappear and take her away?

- is it something to do with ensuring paternity?

- Is it fear that they were better in some way?

I'm trying to see if there is a way of narrowing down your fear here.

It could be some type of OCD but maybe looking at the specific fears will identify why this has triggered OCD.  Do you have OCD tendencies in other respects?

It sounds to me like you girlfriend is already uneasy about telling you about her past.  She may sense you are easily disturbed about this.  Most men would be more concerned about the fact that she doesn't appear to like sex much, yet you haven't mentioned that as a problem to you.  Does your girlfriend feel she has to deny that she likes sex or that she was a willing participant because she knows it will trigger you?  If so, this is already affecting her and she may well decide she has had enough of it if you don't resolve this problem.

Edited August 6, 2021 by spiderowl

[Counterproductive88]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I can imagine it must be distressing.  Rationally, you realise that you should not put great store on your partner's 'purity' but your unconscious mind won't let the subject go.

I expect you have discussed this with your therapist but what is it exactly that bothers you?

- Is it a feeling that someone has intruded on your 'territory'

- that she is no longer 'pure' in some way

- that you are afraid she might leave you for someone else if she has already had more than one partner?

- do you feel your health is threatened?

- do you feel any of these past intruders might reappear and take her away?

- is it something to do with ensuring paternity?

- Is it fear that they were better in some way?

I'm trying to see if there is a way of narrowing down your fear here.

It could be some type of OCD but maybe looking at the specific fears will identify why this has triggered OCD.  Do you have OCD tendencies in other respects?

It sounds to me like you girlfriend is already uneasy about telling you about her past.  She may sense you are easily disturbed about this.  Most men would be more concerned about the fact that she doesn't appear to like sex much, yet you haven't mentioned that as a problem to you.  Does your girlfriend feel she has to deny that she likes sex or that she was a willing participant because she knows it will trigger you?  If so, this is already affecting her and she may well decide she has had enough of it if you don't resolve this problem.

Thank you for taking the time to provide food for thought! What bothers me is more so of a “nasty factor” and the fact that I feel it takes away some “purity” I guess. I do not feel in competition of them, nor am I concerned that they would show up and take her. She and I have been close friends for 15 years, so I know the bond we have is very special.

In regards to her past, she confided in me that she didn’t enjoy sex before we ever dated. As mentioned, we were close friends for many many years (while eachother was dating someone else). We would discuss things in our personal life and she would always say that she worried something was wrong with her hormones because she never thinks about sex, nor does she ever enjoy it. She stated that she felt “obligated” to have sex as it was expected in relationships and that she could only say no for so long before they would lose interest.

When we first had sex, she lit up and had a genuine smile that remained on her face for quite some time. She seemed enthused and said that she felt like she was experiencing sex as it should be for the first time. That she had never been “turned on” or had an orgasm before (outside of a vibrator) and that now she sees what the hype has been. There’s been many times since we started dating that has joked saying “what have you done to me? What have you turned me into!” When I asked why she thought she never enjoyed it prior but does with me, she stated that she’s always craved me in a sense, since we were in highschool and that she’s always loved me. I can relate to an extent as each time I dated someone else, I would compare them to her.

[spiderowl]

"Thank you for taking the time to provide food for thought! What bothers me is more so of a “nasty factor” and the fact that I feel it takes away some “purity” I guess. I do not feel in competition of them, nor am I concerned that they would show up and take her. She and I have been close friends for 15 years, so I know the bond we have is very special."

Do you think this could be related to cleanliness, OP?  The reason I ask is that for some people with OCD, cleanliness is a big issue that they get caught up on.  There seem to be certain 'themes' with OCD but of course there are other exceptions to these themes too.  The need to keep checking things is another theme.  Trying to control things around them to stop something unspecified and awful happening is another 'theme'.

I don't know if this helps.

What does the purity actually represent for you?

Edited August 6, 2021 by spiderowl

[Alpacalia]

OP I know it was a "purity" problem with my ex.

He couldn't handle that I had a sexual past or that I desired anyone else sexually prior to him.

I believe he had this concept of "romantic perfectionism" because he put me on a pedestal while still viewing my background as a threat.

I had to be some version of a sweet and tame woman in his eyes.

Even things like private pleasure he viewed negatively.

I'm not sure if any of it applies to you, but I felt it was worth sharing.

Edited August 8, 2021 by Alpaca

[Lola]

Oh I’m sorry you’re having this problem 

it happened something similar to me. In the beginning of my relation everything was so perfect. I was more happy than ever. But one day I was using my bf’s computer and I was curious and checked his pictures. I found he had videos having sex with his ex girlfriend. It was awful. I told him and  he said he didn’t remember he had those videos and he deleted everything. But that image was in my mind and I couldn’t stop thinking about that. When I had sex with him I couldn’t enjoy because that video came to my head and ruined the moment. 

But I had to think that he had sex before with somebody else as well as I did too. So even if I don’t like the idea of my bf having sex with other girl I have to be fair and think that we are equal and we had the same experience before. I never think in my ex partner and never compare so I have to believe he doesn’t do that either.

And second if you find somebody who has never had sex it would be a chance that she will be curious and there’s a possibility that she will cheat on you, like a lot of stories I’ve read here because they married the first boyfriend and now they wonder how it would feel to have another man.

Plus you have the advantage that your girlfriend said she had never enjoyed and you’re making her feel so good. 

Hope it works for you too and I’m sorry for my grammar mistakes English isn’t my first language.

Edited August 8, 2021 by Lola

[BaileyB]

The chances that you are going to find a woman in her late 20’s or early 30’s who has not had sex, had a man finish inside her, or any other number of experiences are slim to none. The reality is, people have relationships and at this age, people have sexual relationships. There is nothing abnormal or wrong about what she has done in the past.

As you are aware, this problem is your problem. I do hope you get some therapy - it would be a darn shame if you lost this relationship because of something that happened in the past that she (and you) have absolutely no control over. And - you would be passing on this woman only to find that the next woman you date has a similar past. 

Therapy is the single best decision you could make here. I wish you well!

[Andy_K]

OP, you need to reframe these thoughts. Here's my suggested take on it:

It's better that a partner has had plenty of experience prior to meeting you, because that way she'll realise how great you are in comparison.

[Miss Spider]

Not sure what mod cut is or how freaky that is, but most people you meet are going to have a sex life before you. You probably want that too. 
 

Just don’t ruminate. Ruminating is bad in general. You want to think about other things when you start doing that. Like how loaded the guy who made that one elevator song that’s on on all the hold call lines must be. Do you think he is proud? Or who would win in a fight between 100 men or more vs the rains down in Africa. See, there are way better things to think about with your time. 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[mark clemson]

On 8/5/2021 at 7:07 AM, Counterproductive88 said:

 This feels like an actual sickness. It is distracting me from work, home life, sleeping, etc. It's on my mind 24/7 and it is physically cringeworthy. I'm not sure how to get relief or what to do. It honestly feels like someone who suffers from this is destined to a life of being single. It's very unfortuante.

Thoughts or advice?

Yes, it's normal to date other sexually experienced partners in your late 20s/early 30's (even earlier, really).

And no it's not IMO normal at all to be thinking about that constantly.

I'd suggest you seek professional help, e.g. a therapist. This is NOT a diagnosis, but what you describe sounds somewhat similar to some forms of OCD. IF it's that, it can intensify and become quite serious.

[JustGrand]

It's normal man. A lot of men want a woman with no history. Myself included or else it wouldn't feel right ever or never got what you wanted if you just settled. It doesn't sound like you'll be happy with her.

All my teen years and 20s I wanted to end up marrying a virgin. I'm 29 and engaged to one. We met online a year ago. And I met many on multiple dating websites.

While it is definitely harder to find, there are definitely a lot of them. And don't worry about the age. You'll be able to find one in your 30s. On dating websites, it was easier for me to find them if you have a good one and have a good method of how to get to the point quick of what you both are looking for in your partner. The website I found that worked the best was interracialdatingcentral.com or sometimes called afroromance. It worked well for me because I'm a white guy and theres a bunch of black girls on there looking for that. I'm not sure about you or if online dating sounds good to you, but I can't think of a single fake profile, scammer, or bot on there I ever encountered.

[Pumpernickel]

32 minutes ago, JustGrand said:

It's normal man. A lot of men want a woman with no history.

Why though? I’ve had many sexual partners, and I’m not shy being honest about it, as I try to be honest with basically anything & everything if I’m with someone. It’s never been a deterrent for any of my LT relationships. 
 

The OP’s problem seems to be one that can’t be overcome without some internal adjustments. At a certain age group, previous experience is normal. If you’re in your 20s/30s and you want a virgin, you better be one yourself, which means you’re both religious or belong to a certain ethnic group for which this is the norm. Not sure online dating is a good replacement here versus an organically evolving relationship. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

If you’re in your 20s/30s and you want a virgin, you better be one yourself

Zing!

 

[JustGrand]

38 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Why though? I’ve had many sexual partners, and I’m not shy being honest about it, as I try to be honest with basically anything & everything if I’m with someone. It’s never been a deterrent for any of my LT relationships. 
 

The OP’s problem seems to be one that can’t be overcome without some internal adjustments. At a certain age group, previous experience is normal. If you’re in your 20s/30s and you want a virgin, you better be one yourself, which means you’re both religious or belong to a certain ethnic group for which this is the norm. Not sure online dating is a good replacement here versus an organically evolving relationship. 

Some men want one with experience and some men don't want one. The men that you are with are ones that didn't care or something. It's just like for others, they may want good looks, a certain personality, money, or whatever else they are looking for in a partner, and others aren't.

For some, it's not that easy to go to a psychologist for something like this to get "internally adjusted" like a lot of others are saying to do. It may or may not work just like my post may or may not work for the OP. When I tried settling with a girl with a history, it was a lesson for me of what I couldn't settle without. True online dating isn't for everybody. 

However, there are quite a few virgin women in their 20s that I've always found... I'm not sure about women in their 30s because I was never looking for older women than myself. I've dated quite a few and there are many more that I didn't because we weren't a match. But certainly the majority are not virgins... I'm just speaking from my experience. While a lot of online articles may say something like 99.9% (or some high number) lose it before they are 18 or their 20s, my experience to me shows me otherwise.

And whether I am one or not doesn't matter if the person you are with doesn't care about that aspect a bit. My partner doesn't.

[Pumpernickel]

21 minutes ago, JustGrand said:

And whether I am one or not doesn't matter if the person you are with doesn't care about that aspect

OK but the question is - why are these men insisting that their gal is a virgin while they are not? Are they insecure about their sexuality & manhood? Or is there another reason? Because: If it’s not for religious or cultural reasons, this can only backfire. If you want a virgin who was raised in your own culture, and you have had multiple partners in the past, while she has not, it’s only a question of time before she questions the relationship and ventures out to newer pastures, just because she hasn’t experienced that before. Honestly - it’s kind of counterproductive and it’s just a question of time before she, the virgin, craves more experience. Relationships like that don’t last. (Just play the movie forward!) 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[IslandSanctuary]

If she'd been promiscuous and had 100s of partners or worked as a prostitute I'd say "Our pasts make us who we are today, be careful before proceeding" but in this case you're being ridiculous. This is totally on you. Maybe she over-shared, but this shows she felt comfortable with you. You are going to need to bury this feeling you have or you'll screw this up.