Testing?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, verygoodlistener said:

yeah, they do. It's called leading on. 

Eh, after one night and no promises made? Not really. 

She's just changed her mind. It's disappointing but I don't see where she was leading you on. 

Edited August 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[tokidoki]

nah you're prob right. confusing and disappointing tho. Thought it had gone so well. On to the next i guess.

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, verygoodlistener said:

On to the next i guess.

Good for you!! That is what I would have done.

After two messages and a 48 hour wait, I would have been onto the next one.

[tokidoki]

38 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Good for you!! That is what I would have done.

After two messages and a 48 hour wait, I would have been onto the next one.

just the one message, and I think it's been almost 100 hours now

[Happy Lemming]

28 minutes ago, verygoodlistener said:

just the one message, and I think it's been almost 100 hours now

Fair enough... She isn't going to get back to you.

Treat yourself to a nice night out soon (provided there are no Covid-19 restrictions in your area) and go enjoy a nice meal and a couple of beers.

[glows]

It doesn’t matter what her reasons are unfortunately. Lack of interest is also lack of communication. Time to move on. 

 

[tokidoki]

UPDATE:

So after 10 days of radio silence, I got a message from this chick telling me she 'thinks I'm an awesome person, but she'd like to keep things platonic between us'. I told her that I appreciated her message, although I wasn't impressed at all with how long it took her to send it. I said that as much as Id love to get to know her better, I'd be lying if I claimed that my intentions were purely platonic. I said she could by all means get in touch if she had a change of heart, but farewell for now.

It has to be the strangest/most inconsistent behaviour I've ever experienced. I never expected too much from her as we only went out once, but the chemistry was undeniably there. She was laughing with me, taking photos of me, holding my hand, walking arm in arm, kissing me, at every juncture she wanted the night to continue, to the point that she stayed at my house and lingered in the morning, and initiated a kiss as she left. She asked me a few times throughout the night when I was next free to get together as well. It just seemed implicit from her behaviour that she was attracted to me (if she isn't, she has a very funny way of showing it).

I don't want to overthink but naturally the mind wonders. She told me several times 'I've been f***ed over by guys like you in the past' (I don't know what kind of guy she thinks I am). I feel like there's a slim possibility that this is a slightly controlling behaviour, an attempt to gain some control over the space between us after things all moved a bit fast and she gave herself away a little. Perhaps feeling too vulnerable? naturally I've racked my brains thinking where I went wrong but I just can't think of anything. 

The inconsistency of her behaviour is a huge red flag anyway, not to mention leaving me in the dark for 10 days before telling me she just wants to be mates. If that's how you feel, why wait to say? just rip off the bandaid. Anyone experienced similarly confusing/inconsistent behaviour? 

 

 

[poppyfields]

With your latest post, I'm kind of leaning towards it was some sort of shyt test.  It's not like women (and men) don't play that game, they very often do.  Especially when they are insecure, like she appears to be.

Given what she said about being "f*cked over" in the past by "men like you" it sounds like she envisions you as some sort "player/f*ck boy," hence the test.

I mean, why would she call TEN (10) days later telling you she wants to be platonic friends? 

It's not like you've been blowing up her phone so she felt she needed to give you an explanation.  You left her alone, this was DONE.

You weren't chasing her like she hoped, trying to break down walls convincing her to take a chance, and it bothered her so she sends this "feeler" text about being "platonic" friends.  Another shyt test. WTF.

I'm glad you responded the way you did!

This isn't the last from her, you will be hearing from her again, can almost guarantee it.

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

On 8/5/2021 at 4:46 AM, Cookiesandough said:

I’ve done similar stuff with guys and decided after some thought I’m not that interested 

I think this is what happened because I’ve been in the position. Laughing, flirting, cuddling is fun even if you’re not feeling the person 100% (sorry just being real) It’s fun in the moment, but then( sometimes before, after, during) you realize you’re just not feeling them like that and probably won’t see them again. 
 

Often the simplest explanation is what’s going on 

Edited August 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[tokidoki]

 

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I think this is what happened. Because I’ve been in the position. Laughing, flirting, cuddling is fun even if you’re not feeling the person 100% (sorry just being real) It’s fun in the moment, but then( sometimes before, after, during) you realize you’re just not feeling them like that and probably won’t see them again. 
 

Often the simplest explanation is what’s going on 

OK but in such a situation would you message the guy TEN DAYS LATER and say you want to be friends, and how awesome a guy he is blah blah blah? or would you just either ghost it, or just message saying you didn't feel the spark and you're not interested in a second date.

 

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

With your latest post, I'm kind of leaning towards it was some sort of shyt test.  It's not like women (and men) dont play that game, they very often do.  Especially when they are insecure, like she appears to be.

Given what she said about being "f*cked over" in the past by "men like you" it sounds like she envisions you as a some sort "player/f*k boy," hence the test.

I mean, why would she call TEN (10) days later telling you she wants to be platonic friends? 

It's not like you've been blowing up her phone so she felt she needed to give you an explanation.  You left her alone, this was DONE.

You werent chasing her like she hoped, trying to break down walls convincing her to take a chance, and it bothered her so she sends this "feeler" text about being platonic friends.  WTF.

I'm glad you responded the way you did!

This isn't the last from her, you will be hearing from her again, can almost guarantee it.

 

I'm glad someone said this - i thought I was going mad. I feel like by not responding she's trying to provoke me into insecure needy behaviour, seeing if I'll cave and send loads of follow up texts. She gets frustrated when I don't and doubles down on feigning disinterest, saying she just wants to 'remain platonic'. That still doesn't get me begging so she ends up with egg on her face. I've experienced similar situations before.

Also, she hasn't responded to that message. If you just wanted to pie someone off, you'd be short, timely and to the point. You wouldn't drag it out and leave them hanging. This goes both ways. I don't play games with women and I am always frank about how I feel. I think if you're not prepared to get rejected, you shouldn't be dating. However, it's up to each of us to reject others in a polite and respectful way, and not mislead others.

[Miss Spider]

That’s a good point. In the past I probably would have always ghosted, but now I try to text most of the time. I think if it was my friends bf’s brother need to set things more straight. It could also be another guy in her life while she was hanging with you but now wants to pursue that. It could really be anything. I wouldn’t take it as a challenge and I would just move on. Wish you the best though with whatever you choose

[tokidoki]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

That’s a good point. In the past I probably would have always ghosted, but now I try to text most of the time. I think if it was my friends bf’s brother need to set things more straight. It could also be another guy in her life while she was hanging with you but now wants to pursue that. It could really be anything. I wouldn’t take it as a challenge and I would just move on. Wish you the best though with whatever you choose

Thanks I appreciate that. Moving on is the only option. If she is playing a game, she'll come back, if she isn't then I've handled myself as well as I possibly could have. 

She said that she'd been on a 'third date' with someone else as recently as 2 weeks ago, altho I didn't press her on the status of that relationship. i figured it can't be anything that serious if she's in bed with me. She also said that a lot of the guys she's been dating become possessive after a while. It's no wonder if this is how she acts! obvi if you play hard to get, insecure men will work harder and harder to get you, and then feel that they've 'earned' the right to her undivided attention, and get upset when they don't get it, coming across as 'possessive'. This comment as well further backs up the idea that its one big shyt test, the logic being 'let's see how needy/possessive he gets if I confuse him with mixed signals.

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, verygoodlistener said:

She told me several times 'I've been f***ed over by guys like you in the past' (I don't know what kind of guy she thinks I am).

I think it's important to pay attention to comments like this.  When she made the above comment, how did you respond?  Did you ask her what kind of guy she thinks you are?

I will say IF she thinks you are a fukk boy, she will have her guard up and want you to chase.  It's a game, I used to play it years and years ago, but I gave it up, I suck at it anyway and it can really mess a girl up. 

But I DO understand and it comes from insecurity and in her case, being messed around with by "players."

Anyway, again I think it's odd she waited ten days to respond.  If not interested, she would have just ghosted, it's not like you were blowing up her phone, in fact the opposite, you went complete no contact.

Combined with the fact she waited to respond to your earlier messages before your date, and when you mentioned it might have been a test to see how frustrated you would get, she agreed?   So yeah that was intentional and very much a test, she admitted it!

Yeah this girl is into shyt testing and games.  Not uncommon in today's dating environment, sadly.  But it happens especially among the insecure.

Like I said, I don't think this is the last of her, but you sound strong, and very cool like you have your shyt together.  

You could do better IMO but your call.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[tokidoki]

To be honest I just laughed when she said that - memory is a bit hazy but something like 'if you knew me better you'd know how ridiculous that sounds'. I've never slept around or played women - if anything the opposite is true. I've been f***ed over so many times putting my energy and emotion into women who are emotionally avoidant and unavailable, most/many of whom are friends of mine (move in the same circles, went to college together).

I used to hate it and think it was for their validation but as I've got older I understand it more as a defence mechanism. One thing I have learned is that chasing women is totally counter productive. I'll demonstrate my interest with my words, and I know my worth. I shouldn't have to chase you up, and the ones that do are the ones you should avoid, because they lack internal validation and need to be constantly hooking up to feel worthy. 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, verygoodlistener said:

One thing I have learned is that chasing women is totally counter productive. I'll demonstrate my interest with my words, and I know my worth. I shouldn't have to chase you up, and the ones that do are the ones you should avoid, because they lack internal validation and need to be constantly hooking up to feel worthy. 

Omg you sound like me!!   This is exactly like something I would have written!  Totally what I am about these days, esp the bolded.

I grew up believing men chase.   That was their role.   I was in a LTR with a man who chased me for six years and we even lived together! lol   Got engaged even.

Don't ask me how I managed to pull that off, but I did and HE actually loved that role.  So did I for a time, it worked for us.

But it turned toxic, we broke up. And after much introspection and evolvement (which is continuing) now I am like please guys DO NOT chase me.  Indicate your interest with words and actions, and if I am interested I will indicate MY interest with words and actions.  50/50 on that all the way.

If I am not indicating my interest, then it means I am NOT interested, chasing me serves no purpose except annoying me.

But that's me, today.   There are many women who still believe it's a man's role to chase.  She may be one of them, seeking external validation, finding ways to feel worthy externally versus finding her worth within, internally.

Stick to your guns!  No matter how beautiful she is, no woman is worth losing your self-respect for.  

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[tokidoki]

tbh I've probably made a rod for my own back, taking her back to mine like that. We didn't have sex but I was definitely testing the waters most of the time. She was reciprocating the affection to an extent but kept saying things like 'you're trying to turn me on' etc. etc. - she was also bang in to astrology and kept saying 'you're scorpio - sex is your love language', I know what you're like, I know what you're after etc. etc. In reality, I think we were both just really attracted to each other and it just kinda had some momentum and went where it went. I'm glad we didn't have sex, but I kinda wish we'd parted company a lot earlier so that I wouldn't have to deal with this lol. I don't blame her for thinking I'm a player but I'm really not. 

 

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, verygoodlistener said:

tbh I've probably made a rod for my own back, taking her back to mine like that. We didn't have sex but I was definitely testing the waters most of the time. She was reciprocating the affection to an extent but kept saying things like 'you're trying to turn me on' etc. etc. - she was also bang in to astrology and kept saying 'you're scorpio - sex is your love language', I know what you're like, I know what you're after etc. etc. In reality, I think we were both just really attracted to each other and it just kinda had some momentum and went where it went. I'm glad we didn't have sex, but I kinda wish we'd parted company a lot earlier so that I wouldn't have to deal with this lol. I don't blame her for thinking I'm a player but I'm really not. 

Do you know what her sun sign is?  I am sort of into astrology myself, lol.  I don't live my life by it or even base my choices in men on it, but it's got some value to me.

So just curious what her sign is, I could tell you if you're compatible (or not).  

What she said about Scorpios, I just ended it with a Scorpio and my ex before him was a Scorpio and there is definitely something to the 'sex as a love language thing'.

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

On 8/8/2021 at 7:36 PM, verygoodlistener said:

just the one message, and I think it's been almost 100 hours now

I think you could send one more message suggesting a date and, if she doesn't reply, or says no, you'll know where you stand.  While it is better in terms of self-respect to only ever send one message, one never knows if they really got that message.  If you send two, you know they are not responding rather than wondering if they got the first message.

Updated: Sorry to hear what happened, OP.  It does sound like she thought you were a player.  Maybe she thought you weren't seriously interested but were just looking for sex and she wanted something more serious.

I can imagine being like her, thinking it's all going so well and then, when you obviously tried for sex, wondering if that's all you wanted.  I have backed out of situations where I've thought that was the main interest, not because I don't like sex but because I don't want something shallow only based on sex.  It was usually because, despite the guy seemingly being attracted, I did not feel he was interested in me as a person, more in me as a body.  I know that guys do tend to think like that even if they like a woman but it can be a real dilemma for a woman as to how to interpret interest.

You were honest with her in saying you were physically attracted and were not looking for a platonic relationship.  If she is worried about guys wanting her mainly for her body, then that would not have been reassuring, sadly.  If that was the case, then she shot herself in the foot by not responding to your initial message and seeing how you responded then, but what indications did you give her while with her that you were interested in more than sex?  Something to think about.

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by spiderowl

[tokidoki]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Do you know what her sun sign is?  I am sort of into astrology myself, lol.  I don't live my life by it or even base my choices in men on it, but it's got some value to me.

So just curious what her sign is, I could tell you if you're compatible (or not).  

What she said about Scorpios, I just ended it with a Scorpio and my ex before him was a Scorpio and there is definitely something to the 'sex as a love language thing'.

 

She's a Capricorn. I think she does let it affect her decisions, seemingly.

 

6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I think you could send one more message suggesting a date and, if she doesn't reply, or says no, you'll know where you stand.  While it is better in terms of self-respect to only ever send one message, one never knows if they really got that message.  If you send two, you know they are not responding rather than wondering if they got the first message.

Updated: Sorry to hear what happened, OP.  It does sound like she thought you were a player.  Maybe she thought you weren't seriously interested but were just looking for sex and she wanted something more serious.

I can imagine being like her, thinking it's all going so well and then, when you obviously tried for sex, wondering if that's all you wanted.  I have backed out of situations where I've thought that was the main interest, not because I don't like sex but because I don't want something shallow only based on sex.  It was usually because, despite the guy seemingly being attracted, I did not feel he was interested in me as a person, more in me as a body.  I know that guys do tend to think like that even if they like a woman but it can be a real dilemma for a woman as to how to interpret interest.

You were honest with her in saying you were physically attracted and were not looking for a platonic relationship.  If she is worried about guys wanting her mainly for her body, then that would not have been reassuring, sadly.  If that was the case, then she shot herself in the foot by not responding to your initial message and seeing how you responded then, but what indications did you give her while with her that you were interested in more than sex?  Something to think about.

 

I get what you mean, but I'm just not a player at all. I'm interested in her. Even if I were a player, no amount of words is going to convince her otherwise. I'd have to do it with my behaviour but she won't give me a chance to do that. I also am not going to disingenuously accept platonic friendship when I know I want more than that. We have a mutual friend who knows that I'm actually a sensitive person who's tired of these kinds of misreadings so maybe a convo with her would swing things. What can I do in this situation?

[spiderowl]

13 hours ago, verygoodlistener said:

She's a Capricorn. I think she does let it affect her decisions, seemingly.

 

I get what you mean, but I'm just not a player at all. I'm interested in her. Even if I were a player, no amount of words is going to convince her otherwise. I'd have to do it with my behaviour but she won't give me a chance to do that. I also am not going to disingenuously accept platonic friendship when I know I want more than that. We have a mutual friend who knows that I'm actually a sensitive person who's tired of these kinds of misreadings so maybe a convo with her would swing things. What can I do in this situation?

I do understand and it's a dilemma.  Also, different women will interpret things differently.  An outgoing, confident woman might think 'great, fun, he knows what he wants'.  Someone like me who seeks an emotional relationship first, which will be more if we get on really well, might be put off by that.  I have had guys say something similar to what you said and I have given up on them.  I have been interested in them but my thought train at the time was 'I can see they are not going to wait until we know each other better and they probably aren't interested in me as a person anyway'.  Whether this was true or not is another matter.

I know that guys will advise that you should always make your intentions crystal clear so as to avoid the dreaded 'friend zone'.  I expect that is a risk if she isn't attracted to you.  It does sound as if she was attracted though. 

I guess I'd be more inclined to say 'I am interested in more than a platonic relationship with you but I'd like to get to know you and I'm prepared to wait until you are comfortable with that.  If you are not interested in a romantic relationship, let me know.'  I speak as someone who married my best friend and it did not start out as a romantic/sexual relationship.

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by spiderowl

[tokidoki]

 

On 8/20/2021 at 5:11 PM, poppyfields said:

 

This isn't the last from her, you will be hearing from her again, can almost guarantee it.

 

What would this even look like? seems dead in the water to me.

[Miss Spider]

Like maybe if it doesn’t work out with the guy(s) she’s seeing.. she’ll go to her back up guys 

[tokidoki]

yeah maybe those dudes will get possessive like the rest of them. Seems to attract that type.

 

On 8/21/2021 at 9:10 PM, spiderowl said:

I do understand and it's a dilemma.  Also, different women will interpret things differently.  An outgoing, confident woman might think 'great, fun, he knows what he wants'.  Someone like me who seeks an emotional relationship first, which will be more if we get on really well, might be put off by that.  I have had guys say something similar to what you said and I have given up on them.  I have been interested in them but my thought train at the time was 'I can see they are not going to wait until we know each other better and they probably aren't interested in me as a person anyway'.  Whether this was true or not is another matter

 

To be fair, with the player stuff: before she came back I said to her (with a nod and a wink) 'I'll be the perfect gentleman' - altho I think it would be naive of her to take that seriously, especially after we had been making out for 45 mins and it was getting a little heavy.

 

That night we spooned for a little bit but then just fell asleep. In the morning we were spooning and obvi she could tell I was in the mood...made a few comments about that but it was all kinda flirty and teasy..I never got the impression she was uncomfortable. She was a little resistant altho in a lighthearted way; in my experience this is the way seduction always goes. It's a slow burn...I hope I didn't make her uncomfortable but I think if I'd just turned my back and paid her no attention or affection, she'd have found that even more confusing lol.

 

Who knows.

[Fletch Lives]

On 8/20/2021 at 8:09 AM, verygoodlistener said:

I got a message from this chick telling me she 'thinks I'm an awesome person, but she'd like to keep things platonic between us'.

This means she's not interested in you romantically and probably never will be, sorry.

It's ok - there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

I don't care how great the first date was or how much you like her, this is just the way she feels now, and she's done. 

One date does not a relationship make. They have to have growing and consistent feelings for you over two months of dating for it to turn into a solid relationship. Up until then, they can flake at any time.