Alpacalia Posted August 6, 2021 Posted August 6, 2021 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: That is what true intimacy is and while I understand some couples don't wish to be that intimate with each other, personally I would not want it any other way. When both parties feel comfortable sharing that knowledge. It seems based on the limited amount of information that we have - OP is not quite yet at that stage. If that weren't the case, I'm not sure she'd be asking. 3
poppyfields Posted August 6, 2021 Posted August 6, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Alpaca said: When both parties feel comfortable sharing that knowledge. It seems based on the limited amount of information that we have - OP is not quite yet at that stage. If that weren't the case, I'm not sure she'd be asking. Agree. And again, just sharing my opinion like everyone else. Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields 1
JustGrand Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 It depends on how serious the relationship is getting, what he wants to know if he asks, and if what he wants to know is very important to him in choosing a partner. Since you say you're getting more exclusive, I'm thinking its heading that way. Anyway, it's best to be open. A partner who accepts you as you are is the best. But yeah, don't share in graphic detail. Just keep to small, simple sentences and not paragraphs long. All that stuff you shared in your original post is stuff I definitely would have asked as it was important to me back when I was single choosing a partner. But I would've asked sooner rather than later. However, all men have different things they are looking for. I can't really speak for yours. Anyway, I wish you the best in your relationship with the guy.
poppyfields Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, Singing79 said: I would suggest you do a Google Search on the topic: " My husband discovered my sexual past" Lots of hits on Reddit. Again this is NOT about her "sexual past," it's about her seeking validation on line from random men by sending them faceless nudes due to low self-esteem. She has only had four sexual partners for goodness sakes, this is not about that. Anyway, I think the OP is gone, thread should probably be closed. 2
Miss Spider Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 (edited) I love reading those on Reddit in the same way I enjoy a good horror story & that’s totally considered part of your sexual past to most I think . Not saying it is fair that people get judged by it, but they do Edited August 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2
SumGuy Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 (edited) On 8/8/2021 at 4:23 AM, Singing79 said: ... . . . my prince charming, that was the complete wholesome package. I was scared shitless when he told me that he , also only have had one girlfriend, but that they broke up amicably, because of conflicting lifegoals. During our courtship he often judged women on their history. I decided that I wasn’t going to lose another “catch” and that I would leave my old ways behind and make a fresh start. .... My husband had a nervous breakdown and was crying 24/7 . . . . . . . we are still married, but I have lost the funny, charming, witty , enthusiastic husband / he is a shell of his former self . . . . I am working 24/7 to rebuild what my lies have broken, but the spontaneity and joy in my marriage has been snuffed out.... No one is perfect and well all have our weakness and prejudices. Yet I draw a line at the bolded above...to me that would be a yellow flag he is not a prince (and such judgment is never particularly charming in my book) except for in the entitlement department...a bit presaging that women be either Madonnas or whores (they can't be people it seems, they can't be defined by a lot more than how much sex they had). That this crushed him...that you are human, because he discovered his whole world view that someone cannot have sex for fun and be a good person? The cognitive dissonance and lack of foundation he is feeling is because his whole premise about sex is flawed from the get go, a castle made of sand. However, your advice to tell may not be bad, after all in my view a man that would so judge is a bullet dodged. Better now than later. Edited August 9, 2021 by SumGuy
poppyfields Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: & that’s totally considered part of your sexual past to most I think . Not saying it is fair that people get judged by it, but they do Okay fair enough. I viewed her concern differently, but perhaps I read too much into it? I viewed it more like she felt shamed about the fact she allowed her low self-esteem to guide her to making a decision (to send faceless nudes to random men) she now regrets. She said she has since had a "come to Jesus moment" and has taken steps to rectify her poor self image and is in a good emotional place now. Is this something discussed on Reddit? I have never seen it but then again I don't read Reddit all that much, lol. Buy hey maybe I'll start! As a diversion, and yeah I love a good horror story too!! Edited August 9, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Miss Spider Posted August 9, 2021 Posted August 9, 2021 Just now, poppyfields said: Okay fair enough. I viewed her concern differently, but perhaps I read too much into it? I viewed it more like she felt shamed about the fact she allowed her low self-esteem to guide her to making a decision (to send faceless nudes) she now regrets. She said she has since had a "come to Jesus moment" and has taken steps to rectify her poor self image and is in a good emotional place now. Is this something discussed on Reddit? I have never seen it but then again I don't read Reddit, lol. Buy hey maybe I'll start! As a diversion, and yeah I love a good horror story too!! Yea I agree with you, but I just mean a man that would judge his gf/wife/partner on this is going to file sending nudes to men under ‘sexual past’ even though she didn’t have sex, making sex videos or sex pics would count. It’s messed up, but yes I’m on Reddit reading rship/sex stuff a lot and this one isn’t uncommon. The woman talks about how her bf/husband found out about sexual things she did and is now reconsidering their entire rship/marriage or vice versa. Now, it can be argued how much of that is a subconscious or not excuse to leave a marriage or catalyst. Sometimes they’ll say everything was great before. I don’t know. People are strange
poppyfields Posted August 10, 2021 Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Yea I agree with you, but I just mean a man that would judge his gf/wife/partner on this is going to file sending nudes to men under ‘sexual past’ even though she didn’t have sex, making sex videos or sex pics would count. It’s messed up, but yes I’m on Reddit reading rship/sex stuff a lot and this one isn’t uncommon. The woman talks about how her bf/husband found out about sexual things she did and is now reconsidering their entire rship/marriage or vice versa. Now, it can be argued how much of that is a subconscious or not excuse to leave a marriage or catalyst. Sometimes they’ll say everything was great before. I don’t know. People are strange All the more reason to discuss it with him, and why you did it BEFORE he finds out some other way? Provide him with some understanding about what you were mentally experiencing during that time and how you've evolved and grown since then? That's what I would do if I had something like that in my past. I wouldn't feel ashamed to share it, and would encourage him to share same if he had experienced something in his past and felt shame because of it.. That's just how I do relationships but everyone is different, it's whatever you feel comfortable doing. But if you don't tell, then you risk them finding out another way later, which would be far worse! Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 10, 2021 Posted August 10, 2021 My husband and I know the basics and a few stories have been shared occasionally but we don't have a spreadsheet or anything. 2
poppyfields Posted August 10, 2021 Posted August 10, 2021 39 minutes ago, Debsterism said: You don't have a past as far as he is concerned. You were born the morning you met him. LOL, that made me laugh. And I think it might be true for some men too! I know at least one of my ex's would have preferred that I'd been born the day I met him. It's delusional, but let them have their delusions, women have their delusions too. 3
Alpacalia Posted August 10, 2021 Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) 52 minutes ago, Debsterism said: Men cannot handle the truth about women's past. Keep your mouth closed. Be as vague as possible. Do not mention names, dates, times, or anything specific. Tell him that the past is the past and doesn't matter... what is important is the here and now and the future you two create together. You ESPECIALLY never tell a new man about another man. Period. Unless you were married before and have kids, then you kinda have to tell him a little bit of something. But just a dude you dated or screwed??? SHUT YOUR MOUTH GIRL! You don't have a past as far as he is concerned. You were born the morning you met him. This sounds exhausting But probably true. Edited August 10, 2021 by Alpaca
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2021 Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: My husband and I know the basics and a few stories have been shared occasionally but we don't have a spreadsheet or anything. Same here. We each know the basics, we shared what was relevant related to our sexual histories to be sure that we both felt comfortable and safe with each other. To be fair, neither one was particularly adventurous in our youth. But - we certainly didn’t share the details - there are some things that are private. I don’t think you should feel shame about anything that happened in your past. Get yourself tested so that he knows it is safe, tell him that you are not a virgin, and then focus on what is important - the present and the future! Edited August 10, 2021 by BaileyB
Shining One Posted August 11, 2021 Posted August 11, 2021 There are men who have no problem handling a woman's past. However, women don't want to limit their dating pool to men who wouldn't judge them. 1 1
basil67 Posted August 11, 2021 Posted August 11, 2021 I for one would rather be single than with a guy who would judge me or others for their relationship past. Who we are today is a culmination of what we've learned from our past experiences. 4
SumGuy Posted August 11, 2021 Posted August 11, 2021 13 hours ago, Shining One said: There are men who have no problem handling a woman's past. However, women don't want to limit their dating pool to men who wouldn't judge them. Well not a woman, but a person who would so judge me in such a sense is just not a person would want to date...and by that I mean some form of relationship not simply sex. There are plenty of men who have no problem with a woman's past in and of itself so don't know why one would have to settle for someone who would so judge them they flip out or require one to recant, which seems kind of demeaning and treating someone like a child. Of course it is a matter of degree, we all pass judgment here and there, but how often, how constant or not, is it just in the moment and we regret it, what kind, and how does such judgment inform or justify actions. As to what "women" want, know it is a self selecting sample but all the ones I have known and talk to will filter out such judgmental men, they actively try to keep those men out of their dating pool for good reason. They also "limit" their dating pool to not include abusers (often justified in their own heads by such judgments) or racists (another form of unjustified judgment) or misogynists (which is just a form of such judgment), etc. Just don't see how things will ever work with such a person unless you end up kow towing, walking on egg shells, suppressing yourself, drama, etc. Seems a bit masochistic to me, and if that is your thing there are plenty of non-judgmental men who can scratch that itch for you and still not wither when they hear about your past. To me just being with someone isn't worth that kind of sacrifice, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of a relationship for me because relationships for me have nothing to do with material security and everything to do with emotional security.
SumGuy Posted August 11, 2021 Posted August 11, 2021 On 8/10/2021 at 12:40 AM, CaliforniaGirl said: My husband and I know the basics and a few stories have been shared occasionally but we don't have a spreadsheet or anything. Spreadsheet, of course not. PowerPoint presentation is the better way to go.
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 11, 2021 Posted August 11, 2021 14 hours ago, basil67 said: I for one would rather be single than with a guy who would judge me or others for their relationship past. Who we are today is a culmination of what we've learned from our past experiences. IMO that’s why it’s interesting to know something about someone’s past. But not beyond what they comfortably want to reveal.
Kai_Kai Posted August 11, 2021 Posted August 11, 2021 On 8/5/2021 at 1:00 AM, BreannaDt said: So I am 25F and recently became "exclusive" with a very sweet, nice guy. He has only had 1 relationship in the past and it was with his high school sweetheart. I have never had a serious relationship in my life. I have slept with 4 other men in the past (not a crazy number, but still, more than him) and I deeply regret each and every one of them. I had really low self esteem in my early 20s and sought out validation from men who only used me for sex. The last man I slept with messed me up so bad it deterred me from dating for years. In short, he lied to me about his age, pressured me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with (unprotected sex, filming us during sex) and all around messed me up mentally. Following him, I briefly posted nudes (without my face of course) on the internet for validation and attention. I had a "Come to Jesus" moment and completely nuked my account, but I'm still afraid it will come back to haunt me. I have never told anyone this. In real life I give off a quiet, bookish, "good girl" vibe and I don't think ANYBODY in my life will suspect me of having done these things. I am consumed by shame and I don't think I can ever tell my new significant other about that time in my life, many years ago. I am afraid he will judge me and get scared and run away. Is it an obligation for me to tell him about my "past" in detail? Or can I just be vague? Is that considered lying by omission? Im sorry you had to go through that. That really sucks. You really don't have to share it. It's personal and it really has very little to do with him. As far as the nudes go, your face wasn't in it, so it's really a non issue. Focus on building yourself back up and realizing your self worth. Once you get over the shame/fear you can breathe easy. But, that's easier said than done. I guess that comes with time.
Wiseman2 Posted August 14, 2021 Posted August 14, 2021 On 8/8/2021 at 4:23 AM, Singing79 said: My husband had a nervous breakdown and was crying 24/7.Your lies by omission can ruin a person whom you love, ENTIRE LIFE Someone's sexual past is their business. It's not a 'lie by omission', it's boundaries and privacy. It's unfortunate your husband has mental health issues, but certainly having sown some wild oat in college did not cause this. Is your husband otherwise possessive or abusive? Does he frequently blame you for his mental health issues? Someone's past can not be altered.
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