do you have to tell a new partner everything about your 'past'

[ShyViolet]

Nope, you most certainly do not have an obligation to tell him about your sexual/dating past.  As a matter of fact it's completely inappropriate and not normal to tell a guy you're dating all the gory details about your past partners, how many guys you've been with, etc.  I've been a dating person for about 20 years now and never have I ever told a boyfriend all the sordid details about my past relationships or how many guys I have slept with.  That is just not a normal thing to do.  It would actually be weird and dumping way too much information onto them.

I do think you should tell a boyfriend the basics, like if you have never had a long-term relationship, you should be honest about that, or if you're a virgin then that is something relevant to know.  Boyfriends will sometimes ask questions about your dating past like "what was your longest relationship?" or "have you ever lived with someone", stuff like that.  That is fine.

[Interstellar]

eh, everyone has skeletons in their closet.

no, if it’s not gonna raise interest level then take it to the grave.

[Gaeta]

Do not tell him. It's a problem between you and yourself. What you're seeking is his approval or forgiveness but only when you give that to yourself it will make the guilt and shame go away. If I were you I'd find therapist to talk about these feelings. You were younger, and you did what many young women in love do. You have to forgive yourself, not your new boyfriend forgiving you. 

[FMW]

Don't tell. 

The only exception might be if there's any chance he might find out.  In that case, give it some thought how you would handle it.

[spiderowl]

Dear OP,

You don't have to tell your new boyfriend about your past at all, but if you think there is a chance that it will come to his attention somehow, via online pics or something, maybe it is best to tell him about the pics but maybe not all the boyfriends.

If the reverse were true and your boyfriend had had your past, would you judge him badly?

It's a difficult one.  You don't have to tell him anything.  The only thing is, if the pictures are likely to crop up in the future, then you might have some explaining to do with the added complication of not having told him before.

[Ami1uwant]

You should share the fact you had relationships before.  You don’t have to share details on posting nudes. Right now.

 

if you are older in your mid 30s or older you shoukd share some info about the longer relationships  you had and what you learned from them.  I’m not saying this needs to be shared in detail on date 2 but it does need to be if this gets serious.

 

if I met someone now who would not talk in some on past relationships would be a red flag to me.  Nyerere coukd be skeletons in the closet .

 

 

[smackie9]

18 hours ago, Shining One said:

She was filmed during sex and she posted nudes online. Those are the two things that could come back to her. I'm assuming there's no evidence from her other activities, so those are less important to disclose.

Hey anyone can play stupid and say "my ex must have posted those..I had no idea." Plus that sort of thing happens ALOT. It's very common place now with the access of the internet. No one has privacy anymore.

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, spiderowl said:

If the reverse were true and your boyfriend had had your past, would you judge him badly?

To the above, no, personally I would not negatively judge.  And haven't when it's happened. 

I am of the opinion that every single thing we do in life, every experience, positive and negative, shapes us into who we are today.  

If you had not had that experience you would not be who you are at this moment. 

Why? Because hopefully you've learned, grown, evolved from it and have become stronger for having experienced it and worked through it. 

For me, yes I would very much share this with my partner, and hoped he appreciated that it shaped me into the strong, evolved woman I am today, 

And continuing to evolve.

It's turning a negative experience into a positive outcome. 

A few posters have stated don't tell unless there is a chance he may find out.

Not only is this deceptive and no way to begin a healthy mutually rewarding honest relationship, it suggests you feel shame. 

My advice is work through that shame as best you can.  

When you feel shameful about your past, you want to hide it from those you love.  Again, that's a form of deception imo.

When you work through that shame, you want to be open and share, to give your partner insight into who you are TODAY, how resilient you are and how capable you are of resolving difficult past experiences.

I'd feel PROUD to share all this with my partner, it's also how you build an honest, intimate close relationship.

Not by deceiving and hiding parts of who you are (and were) due to shame and fear of being negatively judged and possibly rejected. 

If he rejects you for it, he is not the man for you, that's how I would view it. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[understand50]

BreannaDt,

Echoing poppyfields, I believe that you should share your past at the right time.   Nothing can cause more issues in a marriage or long term relationship, then infidelity, or finding out your spouse has deep secrets in their past.  If you are meant to be, he should know how you came to be the person he fell in love with, and if you struggle with your past, your spouse needs to know, so they can help and understand.

There are exception, and everyone is different, but in your case, as your past weighs on your mind, I would let him know.  I would wait  until you are both in a very committed relationship before telling him.  I would not put it off too long after you marry, or are living together.  I would also, talk about your past and how it effects you present, and work you are doing to not let it interfere with your future.  As you have posted things on the internet, I would also let him know what you posted and a good idea of why. 

Look, we all have a past.  It has shaped us.  Trick is to not let this past hurt what we are working towards in our life.

I wish you luck...

 

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, understand50 said:

There are exception, and everyone is different, but in your case, as your past weighs on your mind, I would let him know.

You make a good point.

And, I agree that some self-disclosure can enhance intimacy.

However, how would her past sexual experiences be relevant to her current relationship?

Ultimately, it's the OP's decision about choosing which information to share.

Edited August 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

However, how would her past sexual experiences be relevant to her current relationship?

Because it gives your partner insight into who you were, how you have learned and grown, and overcame that experience to become the woman you are today at this moment.

All that is relevant to developing a close intimate RL, imo. 

Not telling, hiding it is a form of deception which will poison any otherwise good relationship, ultimately. 

The secret will eat away at you.  You will live in fear of him finding out, which causes anxiety and insecurity.

Being open and honest is the only way to go, it fosters trust between you and builds intimacy. 

I'd he rejects, so be.  Not the man for you.

Again, JMO.

Ultimately OP it's your choice, and living with the consequences of that choice. 

Good luck whatever you decide! 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Because it gives your partner insight into who you were, how you have learned and grown, and overcame that experience to become the woman you are today at this moment.

All that is relevant to developing a close intimate RL, imo. 

Not telling, hiding it is a form of deception which will poison any otherwise good relationship, ultimately. 

The secret will eat away at you.  You will live in fear of him finding out, which causes anxiety and insecurity.

Being open and honest is the only way to go, it fosters trust between you and builds intimacy. 

I'd he rejects, so be.  Not the man for you.

Again, JMO.

Ultimately OP it's your choice, and living with the consequences of that choice. 

Good luck whatever you decide! 

 

Perhaps.

Sometimes it just feels good to confess to those closest to us what we may consider to be past misdeeds.

I suppose she can delve a little more into this:

Quote

I am afraid he will judge me and get scared and run away.

Therapy may be more beneficial in this aspect.

[poppyfields]

Fear of being judged and rejected is due to feelings of shame, and agree therapy will help her work through those negative emotions. 

Once we have resolved those emotions and no longer seek external validation from others to feel whole and complete, we are happy to share who we were and currently are with our partner. 

Not as some sort of "confession" or to unburden yourself of shameful feelings, but rather to allow your partner IN, into your soul, into your heart with full acceptance and vice versa.

That is what true intimacy is and while I understand some couples don't wish to be that intimate with each other, personally I would not want it any other way. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Daisydooks]

On 8/5/2021 at 1:00 AM, BreannaDt said:

So I am 25F and recently became "exclusive" with a very sweet, nice guy. He has only had 1 relationship in the past and it was with his high school sweetheart. 

I have never had a serious relationship in my life. I have slept with 4 other men in the past (not a crazy number, but still, more than him) and I deeply regret each and every one of them. I had really low self esteem in my early 20s and sought out validation from men who only used me for sex. The last man I slept with messed me up so bad it deterred me from dating for years. In short, he lied to me about his age, pressured me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with (unprotected sex, filming us during sex) and all around messed me up mentally. Following him, I briefly posted nudes (without my face of course) on the internet for validation and attention. I had a "Come to Jesus" moment and completely nuked my account, but I'm still afraid it will come back to haunt me. 

I have never told anyone this. In real life I give off a quiet, bookish, "good girl" vibe and I don't think ANYBODY in my life will suspect me of having done these things. I am consumed by shame and I don't think I can ever tell my new significant other about that time in my life, many years ago. I am afraid he will judge me and get scared and run away. 

Is it an obligation for me to tell him about my "past" in detail? Or can I just be vague? Is that considered lying by omission?

Nah. My H and I have a ballpark idea of each others pasts. That's it. We have never discussed more than that because it doesn't matter. Its the past and we are together now

No man wants to know about his girlfriends/wifes sex-capades with former flings or being bent over a  pool table with her ankles around her ears So while my H does know "my number" he doesn't need details of my exs, what we did, where we did it, or how many times we did it. He doesn't want or need to know and vice versa. 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Nah. My H and I have a ballpark idea of each others pasts. That's it. We have never discussed more than that because it doesn't matter. Its the past and we are together now

No man wants to know about his girlfriends/wifes sex-capades with former flings or being bent over a  pool table with her ankles around her ears So while my H does know "my number" he doesn't need details of my exs, what we did, where we did it, or how many times we did it. He doesn't want or need to know and vice versa. 

I'm not sure it's about that though, her "numbers" or how many times she was bent over a pool table?   She only had sex with four men, after all.

The issue is she sent nudes to random men seeking external validation due to low self esteem.

She has since overcome, become stronger for it, it shaped her to become the resilient woman she is today at this moment.

I dunno, I guess I'm in the minority but I would want my partner to know this, to understand who I was and who I have become.

Re numbers, no I don't share that.  

But the deeper core of who I am, yes I would want him to know. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

The rule is only share past stuff if it has a high likelihood of negatively impacting the person’s life if you’re partners.  It can be porn too if your partner has a important rep to unhold or if it is popular. If it’s your typical low quality couples amateur vid , there’s so much of that floating around it’s unlikely to get circulating like that. You can say you didn’t think it was worth mentioning. 
 

It’d only be useful for him to make assumptions from about your past about your character or become retroactively jealous. Or maybe he’s a weirdo who’d get turned on and want to see it 

 

is op even still here 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

because it gives your partner insight into who you were, how you have learned and grown, and overcame that experience to become the woman you are today at this moment.

Do you really think most men care about who you were and how you have grown?
Yes he will likely judge her, get scared and run away...
All he is going to see in his mind is his lovely gf being humped by other guys on film... guys who may have been bigger, better and more satisfying.
The male ego is easily trashed as regards sex.
The bf here being less experienced is perfect retroactive jealousy material if he does decide to stick around...
He will get insecure, demand she does the same acts for him, or whine about it if she won't do the same for him...
If you want to keep a relationship, keep schtum, if you want to ruin a relationship tell all with all the gory details.
Casual guys may revel in the details or not care, but guys in general, who are serious about you won't  be able to handle it easily. 

[Miss Spider]

Or the guy who married ( I guess now divorced) mia Khalifa. Oh god now I got the song in my head 

 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Daisydooks]

28 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm not sure it's about that though, her "numbers" or how many times she was bent over a pool table?

She sent nudes to random men seeking external validation due to low self esteem.

She has since overcome, become stronger for it, it shaped her to become the resilient woman she is today at this moment.

I dunno, I guess I'm in the minority but I would want my partner to know this, to understand who I was and who I have become.

Re numbers, no I don't share that.  

But the deeper core of who I am, yes I would want him to know. 

To be fair, what she is gutted about will most likely never,  ever resurface. However, if SHE wants to share that she sought attention in the wrong places as a way of having her BF understand her better, then she should share that. It sounds as if she is fearful he will leave her if he knows and frankly, its not any of his business IF she isnt comfortable sharing it. It just simply isn't his business. If she wants to make it his business? Sure. Share away. If she doesn't? He isnt entitled to that information. 

Its truly up to her but he isnt entitled to that information if she doesn't want to share it. If she does, then she should feel safe to share it. Thats all. Personally, it never goes over well when numbers and experiences come out, so I treat information about my sex life before my H on a need to know basis. Annnnddd he doesn't need to know. He knows what I've done with him and Im sure he isnt naive to believe he was my first everything at 29. Lol. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Do you really think most men care about who you were and how you have grown?
Yes he will likely judge her, get scared and run away...
All he is going to see in his mind is his lovely gf being humped by other guys on film... guys who may have been bigger, better and more satisfying.
The male ego is easily trashed as regards sex.
The bf here being less experienced is perfect retroactive jealousy material if he does decide to stick around...
He will get insecure, demand she does the same acts for him, or whine about it if she won't do the same for him...
If you want to keep a relationship, keep schtum, if you want to ruin a relationship tell all with all the gory details.
Casual guys may revel in the details or not care, but guys in general, who are serious about you won't  be able to handle it easily. 

Well perhaps I read her original post incorrectly but she's only had FOUR sexual partners, it isn't about the sex.

Again, the issue was about her seeking validation by sending nudes due to low self esteem.

And YES the men I become involved with are quite deep and introspective and seek emotional intimacy as much as I do so yes they would care how I have grown and evolved and continue to grow and evolve through every experience I have, positive and negative.

If you don't desire that type of emotional intimacy with the men you develop relationships with, so be.

To each their own, no judgment.  Whatever works for you and everyone, just stating what I would do and what works for me in my relationships.

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

57 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Its truly up to her but he isnt entitled to that information if she doesn't want to share it. If she does, then she should feel safe to share it. 

Absolutely 100% agree!

Of course he is not "entitled" to the information, I don't believe any of us are entitled to anything, that's not what relationships are about.   It's about feeling safe enough to share information allowing him insight into you are, as a woman (or man if roles were reversed) and human being.  It fosters intimacy and trust, on both sides.

But if OP is not comfortable or feels safe sharing, it is certainly her prerogative to not share it.
 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Daisydooks]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'm not sure it's about that though, her "numbers" or how many times she was bent over a pool table?

She sent nudes to random men seeking external validation due to low self esteem.

She has since overcome, become stronger for it, it shaped her to become the resilient woman she is today at this moment.

I dunno, I guess I'm in the minority but I would want my partner to know this, to understand who I was and who I have become.

Re numbers, no I don't share that.  

But the deeper core of who I am, yes I would want him to know. 

You may want your partner to know. Your partner doesnt want to know nor are they entitled to that info, and nothing good ever comes of that info being shared. Just because you feel you should share it so they know you better, doesn't mean THEY want to know. I get that "you want them to know you." They dont want to actually know this "deeper to the core" information you need so badly to share. Lol. Sharing other things? Sure. But this never goes well, especially with men who have literally had vanilla sex with one woman ever 

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Just because you feel you should share it so they know you better, doesn't mean THEY want to know. I get that "you want them to know you." They dont want to actually know this "deeper to the core" information you need so badly to share. Lol. Sharing other things? Sure. But this never goes well, especially with men who have literally had vanilla sex with one woman ever 

Nah, we both encourage sharing that type of information, opening up in that way.  I get it's not for everyone, again no judgment but I find relationships are so superficial, hiding parts of yourself, fearful of opening up and being vulnerable.

I don't just blurt out info for the hell of it, when I do it's when trust has been developed and we are speaking intimately with each other, being vulnerable.

I cry after sex too sometimes due to the intimacy and release of powerful sexual tension, so have my boyfriends including my current.

Again, I do understand this is sometimes difficult, to be "seen" by your partner in this way, but I am not afraid of it.  I have experienced it, and now that I have, I won't settle for anything less in my relationships. 

And it also may be why we both seek distance at times, tbh sometimes it can be overwhelming.  But again I wouldn't want it any other way.

Just me, I know I am a bit weird, I think everyone here knows that about me!

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

cry after sex too sometimes due to the intimacy and release of powerful sexual tension, so have my boyfriends including my current.

Its called Post Coital Tristesse or Post Coital Dysphoria (PCD).
 

In one study of males - PCD was found to be associated with current psychological distress, childhood sexual abuse, and several sexual dysfunctions

Edited August 6, 2021 by elaine567

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Its called Post Coital Tristesse or Post Coital Dysphoria (PCD).
 

In one study of males - PCD was found to be associated with current psychological distress, childhood sexual abuse, and several sexual dysfunctions

Thanks for the information, fortunately it doesn't apply to my boyfriends or relationships.  It's due mostly to the release of sexual tension and the sex itself can be quite emotional and intense, that's all.  

My understanding is it's not that uncommon.  They're just tears, not heavy sobbing or anything like that.  lol

EDIT:  Can we please stop making this about me now?   I was simply sharing my opinion like everyone else.  There is no need to judge me for it or psychoanalyze what works for me in my relationships, cripes.

Back to the OP.

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields