do I have any right to feel annoyed?

[Calmandfocused]

In terms of a solution I see this as quite straightforward: 

pay for half for her travel from the USA to Scotland but pay nothing for her expenses from Scotland to England. Problem solved. 
 

However the emotional element is more complicated. 
 

The bottom line is she’s spent 4 days with you. 4 whole days out of her whole life. 
 

Her friends in England have no doubt been in her life a considerable amount of time. Shes probably got a bond with them spanning a number of years. In this respect I do therefore think it’s unreasonable for you to expect to be a priority for her. I don’t blame her for developing this plan. She sees the man she’s dating and her friends. Win win. 
 

Something else you may not have considered; it sounds like she’s doing all the flying, organising etc. In this respect she is making a lot of effort to see you. On how many occasions have you flew to see her? 
 

I’m not suggesting you should play tit for tat but I do think you’ve lost sight of what she is doing to ensure you spend some quality time together.

Money aside it looks to me like she’s highly investing in you. 
 

 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Love Yourself First said:

No, I don't think this is a healthy mindset, the second she changed the arrangement OP has every right to alter it as well, this is the idea behind commitment, that even if something isn't in your interest, you see it through, since when did commitment become woman alters agreement and man's previous commitment still saw as valid? 

 

You are not married to this person, you don't owe her anything, whether you are getting sex from or her or not, she is not a prosty and you are not a John.

 

This is extremely disrespectful and will 100% set the wrong expectation of your relationship and she WILL leverage against you again if you do not hold fast here.

Did she actually change the arrangement, though? Had they agreed that she would visit him for two weeks? And then when he offered to pay half, did she suddenly say, "On second thoughts, I'll visit you for one week then go see my friends for the second week"? Is it possible that she had already been planning to visit him for one week and her friends for one week and then he offered to pay half? I may very well have missed some post that cleared up that point. And if that's the case, please point it out to me. But as far as I'm concerned, we don't know whether she changed the arrangement or not. So I wouldn't rush to condemn her or assume she was using him. 

Secondly, you're taking my response to a very specific, nuanced situation and interpreting it as a rule for all situations, including extreme situations. I get it. You're trying to make a point. But I'm not actually saying that people should keep all commitments they make, whatever the circumstances. 

Lastly, of course OP has the right to do whatever he chooses to do. It's his life. But he was seeking people's input. And when an OP does that, we tend to respond with our opinions. I have every faith that he will read all the opinions expressed here and ultimately make the choice that suits him best.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Acacia98

[ctdans]

OK I am still missing why he can't or doesn't go with her to see her friends?  Spend two weeks together.  Why does she have to be alone with the friends in England?

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, ctdans said:

OK I am still missing why he can't or doesn't go with her to see her friends?  Spend two weeks together.  Why does she have to be alone with the friends in England?

He suggested this. 

She wasn't sure and wants to think about it. Apparently this idea hadn't "crossed her mind", which I think says a lot. 

[Sun Seeker]

I'm currently in my 3rd LDR, a previous one was UK - USA, for over 2 years. A couple of things come to mind.

You say you have been talking for a year, met 3 months ago, but are not committed. So not in an actual relationship. Why? After talking for so long, finally meeting, if you wanted to continue it all, you should have asked her to be your girlfriend when you were together. You are the man, you need to lead the relationship.

What you allowed to happen is this situation now, where in your mind you should be her #1 priority when coming here to visit, but the fact is, you are just someone she video calls with, so you have no right to expect that. If you were in a proper relationship, then I would completely agree with you, she should be spending her whole 2 weeks with you, her boyfriend. But you are not her boyfriend.

As for the money, you should never have offered to pay because as mentioned, you are not her boyfriend. Her sole reason to visit is not to spend time with just you, but also with her other friends.

You can't have it both ways. You can't not be committed to each other, but then expect her to act like she is your girlfriend and make you her priority. With my ex, we met and spent 2 days in Europe, talked for about 4 weeks, met again in Mexico where I made sure I asked her to be my girlfriend. From then on I knew spending time with each other was our only priority, even when visiting her friends and family. I then flew LHR - JFK every 6-8 weeks to spend time with her.

What do you do going forward? I agree her having to think about the idea of you going with her to meet her friends is a red flag. You need to talk to her about where you both feel this 'relationship' is going. Probably better to do it in person. A LDR is different to a normal relationship in that you need to make some sort of commitment BEFORE you spend time together getting to know each other etc.

If you are going to spend hours video calling every day, then you want at least two things. To be in an official relationship with them, calling her your girlfriend. Also for any plans you make to see each other, the #1 priority is to spend as much time together as possible. Without that, you are in danger of just being another guy she talks to, another guy she 'visits' while she is abroad anyway, and the 'relationship' going absolutely nowhere, until she finds someone else and you ended up wasting all this time.

[Fox Sake]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

In terms of a solution I see this as quite straightforward: 

pay for half for her travel from the USA to Scotland but pay nothing for her expenses from Scotland to England. Problem solved. 
 

However the emotional element is more complicated. 
 

The bottom line is she’s spent 4 days with you. 4 whole days out of her whole life. 
 

Her friends in England have no doubt been in her life a considerable amount of time. Shes probably got a bond with them spanning a number of years. In this respect I do therefore think it’s unreasonable for you to expect to be a priority for her. I don’t blame her for developing this plan. She sees the man she’s dating and her friends. Win win. 
 

Something else you may not have considered; it sounds like she’s doing all the flying, organising etc. In this respect she is making a lot of effort to see you. On how many occasions have you flew to see her? 
 

I’m not suggesting you should play tit for tat but I do think you’ve lost sight of what she is doing to ensure you spend some quality time together.

Money aside it looks to me like she’s highly investing in you. 
 

 

America will not let us in right now and it’s been that way for a while. I’m also waiting on my second vaccination, so me going to her has not been possible. Hence me offering to pay half her ticket. She asked me if could still do it and then told me she was going somewhere else for a week of her time off. So who’s to say with all this that she even has friends and they aren’t just prospective partners ? 

I agree the not meeting friends thing is a little strange. It’s totally thrown me off actually. We haven’t even spoken since earlier. 
 

my fears have been a lot of the suspicions mentioned in this thread and with everyone’s input I’m starting g to think that I should actually be a little worried.  

Edited August 5, 2021 by Fox Sake

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

why me … well…we met on Eharmony and both had the highest matching scores! We are very similar in many ways and most of the time quote understanding. 

I have a general question re the appeal of these LDRs where you're living in countries 3,000-6,000 miles apart on a different continent?

How did it happen that Eharmony would have you match with someone that far away?  Unless you are entering that preference into your profile or something?  I am not familiar with Eharmony so apologies for my ignorance about it.

Which begs the question, why would someone (in this case you Foxy) intentionally wish to pursue a woman for a RL who lives so far away with whom you can barely spend any "real" time together, like IN PERSON?

I will ask this of @Punterxxas well since you said Punterxx that you're on your third LDR and this one is a 14 HOUR flight away?

Again, what's the appeal?   What about your sexual needs?  If you're only able to spend real time together a few times a year, how to you handle that?  Do you have an open relationship?  

I'm not judging anyone for it, I just don't understand.  The most I have done is have "on line interactions," but remain free to date locally and develop a relationship if I began dating a man and we both wanted that.

I could never see myself having an actual exclusive relationship with someone that far away.  Unless we had an established RL prior to them moving away.

Texting, video calling, doesn't that get old?  I mean how much is there to actually "talk" about?

One thing I love doing with my boyfriend is hanging out at the park or by the ocean in total silence with each other.  Maybe we are both reading a book, his head on my lap or something.  I find those moments so intimate.

Don't you enjoy those types of moments Fox?  Not 3-4 times a year but whenever you wanted?  

Again no judgment, I am simply seeking understanding and hope this post doesn't get deleted because I think it's relevant and very much on topic.

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

So who’s to say with all this that she even has friends and they aren’t just prospective partners ? 

Has she ever mentioned having close friends in England? I would assume they'd need to be close friends if she's planning to stay with them a week... or for that matter even a short visit given that it's costing her prime time with you, the person she's traveling to see, who has paid half the fare. I hate to sew seeds of mistrust, but if you had never heard of these friends before... questions would be in order. It's not passing the sniff test for me.

[Fox Sake]

I’ll reply to the unanswered tomorrow. Had a long chat and now I’m off to sleep .  It went okay after she stopped being defensive and started listening. I’m still unsure tho how I now feel, so I’ll approach with caution. I’ve taken a small step back and how much of myself I make vulnerable, for now  

Thanks for all the thought that people put into this today. I really appreciate it , every last one of you have helped me in one way or another and gave me the strength and courage back that I needed to deal with this and think it through. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Fox Sake

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think she's getting a free trip to Scotland and England for her Instagram pics.

Fox, you're hot, young, smart, and nice. Why on earth do you have to put up with this?

[jspice]

You seem like a decent guy from your posts but this being “a priority” thing comes across as insecure and unappealing, especially if it’s causing you this much trouble. 
punterxx made a lot of points I agree with. 
 

After a year of interaction and one short meet you should be further along if this is going anywhere. She should WANT to spend that whole time with you but she doesn’t. And if she doesn’t, you should be secure and confident enough to say your piece once and get an answer from her. 
 

Going forward, if you are going to date internationally you pay for yourself to go there and she pays for herself to go to you. That prevents issues like “I paid so she should spend her time with me”. 
I understand you don’t mean it to sound controlling but the fact that is that money gives one the upper hand. You pay, you get to decide. That may work for some people and not for others. 
If she can’t pay for herself, she can’t date someone in another country. If you’re in a  proper relationship then by all means pay for her if you’d like but if you’re still in the “am I her priority “ phase then absolutely do not pay for her ticket in part or totally. 
 

My friend has been in a long distance relationship with someone for ten years now. He’s a multimillionaire. She owns her own business but by no means makes millions, but she never lets him pay for her to go there, nor does he pay for her when they go on vacation together. He’s able to fly to her more frequently and can conduct his business from our country and in fact, when he’s there SHE pays for most things like outings and dinners and whatnot. ( But I think she and I are a bit more conscious of the “being controlled “ aspect and so are a bit more extreme in how we handle money issues). 

Since you’ve already paid ( right?) just take this for what it is right now. She doesn’t seem to be where you are. I would also want to spend the whole two weeks with the guy but she seems less than excited about that prospect. Re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself if this is what you want it to be. 
 

I’ve learned that if I constantly need to ask someone where we stand or if I don’t feel like a priority, then I’m probably not and I need to make my decisions based on their actions. It’s hard if you really want to be with that person but necessary if you want to retain your sanity and dignity. 
 

You’ve  told her how you feel and now she should either show you she’s in the same place as you, or not. Then act accordingly. 
 

Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this way too much trouble for a woman you can hardly ever see in person, and have barely spent any time with offline. 

 

[Fox Sake]

So I have pulled back my feelings and checked myself since yesterday. It was a big eye opener with all that was shared here. I was delusional in where we were at, we aren’t on the same page. She says she wants to make sure it’s the right decision cos a 31 she feels it her last chance and that we need to spend more time together physically. I agree but wish I hadn’t lulled myself into a false sense of security. 

 

I agree with all that was said here - I became insecure and it was ugly. I felt that because I wasn’t getting what I gave , I wanted to feel like a priority- Which is clear now I felt that way because I was standing in what I thought was an early relationship, on my own ….no wonder I didn’t feel secure - there is no security there, and I felt it. That’s on me. 
 

moving forward from here, she’s still coming over. I don’t mind what she chooses to do with her time, as I’m more reserved than I was. I carry zero expectations anymore and I definitely laid it all out last night, she showed some ugly sides until I called her out on it and she instantly agreed and then apologised. I’m now approaching with a lot of caution. I’ll enjoy each other’s company and friendship but I’m not going to chase something that isn’t equal. 
You all saved me from pushing my emotions any further and checking the situation. I’m very very grateful