do I have any right to feel annoyed?

[Fox Sake]

13 minutes ago, Love Yourself First said:

No, I don't think this is a healthy mindset, the second she changed the arrangement OP has every right to alter it as well, this is the idea behind commitment, that even if something isn't in your interest, you see it through, since when did commitment become woman alters agreement and man's previous commitment still saw as valid? 

 

You are not married to this person, you don't owe her anything, whether you are getting sex from or her or not, she is not a prosty and you are not a John.

 

This is extremely disrespectful and will 100% set the wrong expectation of your relationship and she WILL leverage against you again if you do not hold fast here.

I’m so torn right now! While I appreciate the support, relation and understanding of how I’m feeling, and pulling a moral compass into the situation- I wish I could understand a little more about her. 
I think we may possibly be on 2 different pages right now. She’s taking it slower and feeling things out and I’ve been a little quicker to come around? 
 

either way, I don’t want this to become a bigger issue than it needs to be. I just want to deal with, learn from it and move on from it. 
 

Going by all the replies there are 2 camps of people. I agree with both of them. I just need to figure out whether I agree because I’m being validated and understood, or because they are absolutely fair points and I’m actually just being a clown. 
If I’m acting one way - I would  rather it was obvious what the problem was. Given some of the confusion on here I can’t help but think she probably is in the mindset of a few others here and my intentions were lost the moment anything financial was brought up. 
 

Ps - I’m really sorry for taking up everyone’s time. It’s appreciated greatly 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Fox Sake

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Love Yourself First said:

No, I don't think this is a healthy mindset, the second she changed the arrangement OP has every right to alter it as well, this is the idea behind commitment, that even if something isn't in your interest, you see it through, since when did commitment become woman alters agreement and man's previous commitment still saw as valid? 

Very fair point.  

In more extreme terms, I liken it to the commitment of marriage, and if your spouse emotionally or physically  beats the cr*p out of you, your "commitment" obligates you to stay? 

I don't t think so! 

In this sitch Foxy, you can always change the terms of your commitment to pay, but to what end without sounding like a butt-hurt controlling a-hole?

OR is it OK to be an a-hole under certain circumstances?

Serious question, and I'm thinking maybe it is!  

SHE changed the terms of the visit, so you are free to change your terms about paying. 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Very fair point.  

In more extreme terms, I liken it to the commitment of marriage, and if your spouse emotionally or physically  beats the cr*p out of you, your "commitmemr" obligates you to stay? 

I don't t think so! 

In this sitch Foxy, you can always change the terms of your commitment to pay, but to what end without sounding like a butt-hurt controlling a-hole?

OR is it OK to be an a-hole under certain circumstances?

Serious question, and I'm thinking maybe it is!  

 

Popps you can just write for me from now on , cos you seem to convey my feeling far more effectively and simply than I have the ability to to do so! 

[Love Yourself First]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Very fair point.  

In more extreme terms, I liken it to the commitment of marriage, and if your spouse emotionally or physically  beats the cr*p out of you, your "commitmemr" obligates you to stay? 

I don't t think so! 

In this sitch Foxy, you can always change the terms of your commitment to pay, but to what end without sounding like a butt-hurt controlling a-hole?

OR is it OK to be an a-hole under certain circumstances?

Serious question, and I'm thinking maybe it is!  

 

How can a guy be a controlling a hole over his own money? How far have we fallen?

[Fox Sake]

Just now, Love Yourself First said:

How can a guy be a controlling a hole over his own money? How far have we fallen?

I think it comes down to old school gender roles and expectations 

[Alpacalia]

You've spent fours days together in total?

23 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

We spoke an hour ago. I apologised for the butt hurt attitude, and she apologised for how “cold and occasionally emotionally detached” she can be at times. Not gonna lie - that is an issue. 
Then proclaimed she loved me ….something about this reminds me of the sea …the waves coming crashing in, before they recede and reappear in an infinite process . 

 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Love Yourself First said:

How can a guy be a controlling a hole over his own money? How far have we fallen?

True, I am simply seeing it from how SHE will or might see it. 

But you are correct, it's Fox's money and SHE changed the terms.  So now Foxy's terms have changed. 

Heck who knows Foxy, she might even respect you more for it!  If me, I wouid, assuming I were into you and respected you to begin with. 

 

 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You've spent fours days together in total?

 

Yes you could look at like that. I know what train you’re about to jump on tho ! 

If you want to discount the 1-5 hours a day of video calls for the last 11 months. We don’t do texting really. I think you can get to know someone pretty well in that time. Enough to make in informed decision whether you want to see them or not. 
but yes- physically 4 day together. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Love Yourself First]

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

Yes you could look at like that. I know what train you’re about to jump on tho ! 

If you want to discount the 1-5 hours a day of video calls for the last 11 months. We don’t do texting really. I think you can get to know someone pretty well in that time. Enough to make in informed decision whether you want to see them or not. 
but yes- physically 4 day together. 

Bro, you gotta move on, this is sad, no woman would keep you on the hook like this and expect you to pay any amount of money that actually cared for you

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I think you can get to know someone pretty well in that time. Enough to make in informed decision whether you want to see them or not 

Yes, perhaps so.

It's just when you said that she's "cold and occasionally emotionally detached" in one breath, then her "I love you" in another, that caught my attention.

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

True, I am simply seeing it from how SHE will or might see it. 

But you are correct, it's Fox's money and SHE changed the terms.  

Heck who knows Foxy, she might even respect you more for it!  If me, I wouid, assuming I were into you and respected you to begin with. 

 

 

I think after the initial hurt she felt - as some others have pointed out she assumed that it was “my money my terms” and that was why I was hurting. . It’s not about the money tho. It’s about the time spent together. 
 

honestly as it stands right now - I’m okay with it. She admitted not understanding me, occasionally being cold and she carries a lot of issues from a past relationship where she was constantly told what and what not to do. She doesn’t want to feel controlled again and I can see now where things started to get crossed over with this 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Love Yourself First said:

...no woman would keep you on the hook like this and expect you to pay any amount of money that actually cared for you

Another fair point worthy of consideration.

Foxy, you good peeps, just don't want to see you getting hurt, that's all. xo

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, perhaps so.

It's just when you said that she's "cold and occasionally emotionally detached" in one breath, then her "I love you" in another, that caught my attention.

 

It caught mine too Alpaca!!!! 
Talk about confusion and mixed messages. It made me stand back a bit when I heard that. It didn’t melt me. It just made me question “what the fu**?!” 

[Fox Sake]

6 minutes ago, Love Yourself First said:

Bro, you gotta move on, this is sad, no woman would keep you on the hook like this and expect you to pay any amount of money that actually cared for you

I don’t know if I have the strength to go through that again …. I’m the kind of person that will destroy myself into a thousand bits and then recluse while I rebuild. I was 7 years on my own since my last relationship. I give too much of myself. 
When things are good they are really good, but her past relationships have made it somewhat hard to speak about sensitive subjects and my past relationship experiences have made me question others commitments until they prove it 

[Love Yourself First]

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

I don’t know if I have the strength to go through that again …. I’m the kind of person that will destroy myself into a thousand bits and then recluse while I rebuild. I was 7 years on my own since my last relationship. I give too much of myself. 
When things are good they are really good, but her past relationships have made it somewhat hard to speak about sensitive subjects and my past relationship experiences have made me question others commitments until they prove it 

Self Development is the only path to failure and failure is the only path to success, get to work bro, gym, more money coming in, better diet, love yourself first

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

It caught mine too Alpaca!!!! 
Talk about confusion and mixed messages. It made me stand back a bit when I heard that. It didn’t melt me. It just made me question “what the fu**?!” 

Yes, I'd think that too.

Perhaps with some quality time together in person that will work itself out.

[Alvi]

OP, why are you dating someone who lives so so so far away in a first place? I see that you a good looking guy from your pic. You come across kind and intelligent enough judging from your posts. So, the question would be, why not to try to find someone local to date? Right now I see that you are putting a lot of your time, energy, your soul basically into something that I would call a risky investment. The things with this woman may or may not work out due to many factors. Distance and her hot cold attitude would be just some of the factors. The odds are against you somewhat. Unless you most certainly see her as your future wife I would tell you to not to take this any further. Find someone who lives more closeby to date.

22 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

She admitted not understanding me, occasionally being cold and she carries a lot of issues from a past relationship where she was constantly told what and what not to do. She doesn’t want to feel controlled again and I can see now where things started to get crossed over with this 

If you are having misunderstandings now, what is it going to be down the road? 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I felt the same thing. I put it down to paranoia and me being insecure. So I asked her if I could come and meet her friends and introduce her to some of mine down there too. She said she will think about it and it hadn’t crossed her mind, which is fair enough but if she says no then alarm bells will be ringing..  

I hate to say it but there is something off about her response - she will think about it? 

Sounds like she may be hiding something, another guy she's been chatting with?  

God, I hate thinking that but again her response sounds off. 

I hope I'm wrong!  

Step back fox, I would. 

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, Alvi said:

OP, why are you dating someone who lives so so so far away in a first place? I see that you a good looking guy from your pic. You come across kind and intelligent enough judging from your posts. So, the question would be, why not to try to find someone local to date? Right now I see that you are putting a lot of your time, energy, your soul basically into something that I would call a risky investment. The things with this woman may or may not work out due to many factors. Distance and her hot cold attitude would be just some of the factors. The odds are against you somewhat. Unless you most certainly see her as your future wife I would tell you to not to take this any further. Find someone who lives more closeby to date.

If you are having misunderstandings now, what is it going to be down the road? 

Thank you.. I’m humbled. 
Honestly? The local accent here is disgusting. Peoples shared attitude is disgusting. I’m a well travelled , spontaneous , emotionally mature guy who “feels” a lot and picks up on things. I want the exotic things in life. I don’t want the same as everyone else , I want a super exciting life adventuring , chilling out, and following hobbies and interests.  I just don’t find anyone who compliments who I am as a person here and have never seen myself settling for a local.  I’ve lived all over the world , so when you see the difference in peoples attitudes from country to country, it can be an eye opener. 

[mark clemson]

Did she say two weeks with you at first, then change it to one week with you, one with friends? If not you're losing nothing. You have a right to be upset about anything you want, but it's more a perception issue, which it sounds like you recognized.

The priority thing is perhaps an issue, but on the other hand if you're already travelling somewhere it's extremely common to add on some extra time. People extend their work trips through the weekend to sight see and similar all the time. And you can't expect to be her ONLY priority.

While I think some valid points are being made above WRT this being a LDR and so forth, that just means you should keep your expectations reasonable and tempered. IF you found out that one of these other friends is paying the OTHER half of her trip - well, heh that might be another story. But barring something like that there is no need to get mentally wrapped around the axle with this sort of thing.

I think the idea to tag along on the 2nd isn't crazy IMO. If you're really her "main" (preferably only) BF, she should (all other things being equal) want to spend more time with you and be ok with you meeting her other friends.

I will note that I personally steer clear of LDRs having had some bad experiences with them when I was younger.

[Miss Spider]

34 minutes ago, Alvi said:

OP, why are you dating someone who lives so so so far away in a first place? I see that you a good looking guy from your pic. You come across kind and intelligent enough judging from your posts. So, the question would be, why not to try to find someone local to date? Right now I see that you are putting a lot of your time, energy, your soul basically into something that I would call a risky investment. The things with this woman may or may not work out due to many factors. Distance and her hot cold attitude would be just some of the factors. The odds are against you somewhat. Unless you most certainly see her as your future wife I would tell you to not to take this any further. Find someone who lives more closeby to date.

If you are having misunderstandings now, what is it going to be down the road? 

That’s what I’m saying!!!foxy’s got so much going for him, I don’t know what these scottish girls are on. He needs to find a more local girl and stop messing with these long distance thots. Haha sorry you know I’m just kidding, but you can really do so much better and closer!! 

 

 

I totally agree with poppy

Edited August 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Fox Sake]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

That’s what I’m saying!!!foxxy’s got so much going for him, I don’t know what these scottish girls are on. He needs to find a more local girl and stop messing with these long distance thots. Haha sorry you know I’m just kidding, but you can really do so much better and closer!! 

 

 

I totally agree with poppy

It’s a shame not everyone else sees IRL what you can all see from my writing and shallow occasional selfie. 
I’m starting to think I actually deserve a bit better and that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I think this trip will be make or break.  I also think when she’s with me in person we will know exactly where things stand 
 

btw @Cookiesandough I messaged admin cos for some reason we still can’t pm, that’s well over a year . I get the same message as you - can’t be sent! 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

While some of this could be true in this situation, I feel like these are sweeping suspicions without any proof yet. I hope to god they are the wrong brush to tar her with. 
Generalising is kind of dangerous ground to me in this situation,  because now she is being profiled without the full picture of who she is and has been , bar my post about how I felt. I’m no angel by the way, I’ve allowed my insecurities to get under her skin at times. 
 

people here have a profound effect on the outcome of things and I don’t want to throw away something just yet without the full picture.  There are good points here for me to take on board and have got me thinking and if anyone has anything I should look out for from here - I would appreciate you sharing. 

I felt mostly positive about this until her response to your offer to visit in England - she will think about it, it never crossed her mind?  

Again, sounds off. Jmo.

If she were as invested as you, she'd be thrilled to have you come, meet her friends.

If they are other couples like she told you, what's she gonna do hang around being a third wheel? 

No, she'd want to bring a man along as well, but as it stands now, that man is not you. 

I'm NOT saying this is what's happening, only that it is worthy of consideration that's all.

I want this to work out for you Foxy, so much!  

I agree you deserve better and if not found locally, a bit closer than the USA?  Across the Atlantic?

Anyway, wishing you the best of luck, keep us posted! 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

Just now, poppyfields said:

I felt mostly positive about this until her response to your offer to visit in England - she will think about it, it never crossed her mind?  

Again, sounds off. Jmo.

If she were as invested as you, she'd be thrilled to have you come, meet her friends.

If they are other couples, what's she gonna do hang around being a third wheel? 

No, she'd want to bring a man along as well, but as it stands now, that man is not you. 

I'm NOT saying this is what's happening, only that it is worthy of consideration that's all.

I want this to work out for you Foxy, so much!  

I agree you deserve better and if not found locally, a bit closer than the USA?  Across the Atlantic?

Anyway, wishing you the best of luck, keep us posted! 

 

I’m gonna keep my eyes and ears open. Thank you for condensing this into what I need to be aware of. Sometimes it’s hard to see the clouds for the trees 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

She doesn’t want to feel controlled again

Independent people pay their own way.

I agree with @poppyfields, her having to think about getting together with each others' friends is not a positive sign.  If she feels close enough to let you pay her way, why is there a question about meeting friends?

I know it sounds like I'm only focusing on the money, but money isn't a straightforward thing when it comes to relationships.  Like it or not, it colors situations in different ways.  

Edited August 5, 2021 by FMW