do I have any right to feel annoyed?

[Fox Sake]

So I offered to pay for half her ticket to come see me again.  She asked today if I was still okay to do that as she wants to do it in the next month..
 

She then told me her plans were to come and spend a week with me in Scotland and then a week with her friends in England. This was earlier today and she asked me if the dates were okay for me so she could book her time off. We normally speak every morning and every evening. Consistently since her last visit. 

 
It only clicked a few moments ago that the reason I was annoyed hearing her plans was that I’m paying for half her ticket,  yet I have to share her time off with other people.  Granted they are friends she barely ever gets to see , but still…

Do I have any right to feel slightly annoyed about this? Or am I being selfish? 

If I’m justified - How do I approach this without coming across like an a**h***? Obviously I don’t wanna be mean about it. Or am I just being mean? 
 

 

 

[Background- LDR Scotland and USA. Talking for a year , met for the first time 3 months ago. She came and saw me during a holiday to to the uk but spent most of her time in isolation in England with friends before she got a chance to come and see me for 4 days. ]

Edited August 5, 2021 by Fox Sake
Grammar

[basil67]

I can see why you're peeved, but I also understand why she'd visit her friends while on the same general area.    I'm wondering if there's compromise   Perhaps you could go to England with her so that she could have some time with friends and more time with you.    Do you have anyone you'd like to catch up with there while she enjoys some 1:1 time with friends?

[FMW]

Would she have otherwise spent 2 weeks with you instead of one?  Are you paying more than you would have if she had just visited you?

 

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I can see why you're peeved, but I also understand why she'd visit her friends while on the same general area.    I'm wondering if there's compromise   Perhaps you could go to England with her so that she could have some time with friends and more time with you.    Do you have anyone you'd like to catch up with there while she enjoys some 1:1 time with friends?

Hey @basil67 

thanks for your reply, I really appreciate the feedback. I do have friends down there , and that’s not a bad idea , but I wonder if she wanted that then she would have suggested it?  I’m fine with her seeing her friends, just annoyed that I didn’t take centre stage I guess …

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

Would she have otherwise spent 2 weeks with you instead of one?  Are you paying more than you would have if she had just visited you?

 

Hey @FMW I don’t know what she would have otherwise done. That’s what I was hoping was going to be the case so I was a little taken by surprise when I found it it wasn’t! 
 

im paying for pretty much the cost her round flight (minus her plans of course) 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

[Background- LDR Scotland and USA. Talking for a year , met for the first time 3 months ago. She came and saw me during a holiday to to the uk but spent most of her time in isolation in England with friends before she got a chance to come and see me for 4 days. ]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

she then told me her plans were to come and spend a week with me in Scotland and then a week with her friends in England.

I'd advise she pay for her own airfare at this point, but you've already volunteered to chip in half, so it's too late.

What about other costs such as hotel accommodations, meals, entertainment, and so on?

Who paid for the last trip?

Do you have plans in the future to visit her?

Edited August 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[Miss Spider]

Omgosh foxxy!!!! So glad to see you again so happy. Yes you have a right to be annoyed she should want to spend all her time w you

[Wiseman2]

If she wants to bundle her trip to you with other excursions let her pay her own way.

Why not adopt a "you pay your way, I'll pay mine" policy when it comes to visiting each other?

[Acacia98]

If I were you, I'd go ahead and pay for half of her air ticket because I already made the commitment, but I wouldn't do it again. You see, your generosity came with an unspoken expectation and in a way, she's not meeting that expectation. Her not meeting that expectation disappoints you. It's not necessarily wrong that you're disappointed. Just throwing this out there: Maybe she isn't as enthusiastic about your relationship as you are and you're picking up on that. Then again, maybe what she's doing doesn't mean anything negative for your relationship and it'll turn out you're being a bit too self-centered. Whatever the case, you're clearly not ready to be spending that much on her. So suppress the impulse to be similarly generous in the near future and observe how your relationship progresses over time.

In future, let her pay her way fully. That way, she can modify her arrangements however she wants without giving even the slightest suggestion that she's taking advantage of you. I don't think it's the kind of topic you can bring up without seeming controlling. So I wouldn't bring it up in conversation.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Acacia98

[glows]

You now have a good idea about the type of person she is eliciting an offer for you to pay into her travel expenses before disclosing her plans in entirety. This would speak volumes for me. 

Let it go this time and be more wary if there’s a next time.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

So I offered to pay for half her ticket to come see me again

 

9 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

im paying for pretty much the cost her round flight

So you offered to pay half, but are actually paying the full cost? 

[balletomane]

I have mixed feelings about this. Even if she's on the East Coast, transatlantic flights are not short or cheap. Making two separate trips, one for you and one for her friends, is unlikely to be practical. So I wouldn't be annoyed at her for wanting to combine a visit to friends in the same trip.

I would be annoyed at her for not making this clear to you at the outset, and for not finding a way to include you in things. One week is not a long time to spend with a long distance partner, so I think it would be reasonable for you to spend at least part of the England trip with her.

As for cost, whether or not a 50/50 split is fair depends on your respective incomes. If she earns significantly less than you, it's fair to contribute to her ticket, rather than making your relationship dependent on her salary. If not, then she should be paying for her flights herself.

[Donnas]

If was me I would break up and give you anything back u ever brought for me!including half ticket money.

Like whaaattt.  It's like you paying for a service or call girl and mad if I don't get the whole package or treatment...

You can't tell her what to do with her time. And if this is something real she should tell you to meet some of her friends there and she can also meet some alone.

You don't fly over to just sit there with bf if u got more to do. 

Unless she be away most of the time you can talk to her about the time you wanna spent with her ,rather then about the money. Cause talking about the money sound like u a jerk posesive controlling bf.

That fly her over to do what you want how you want.

Beside she can be petty to and tell u I paid half so half what I paid I spent how I want and the other half u paid I spent with u

Edited August 5, 2021 by Donnas

[introverted1]

OP, are you paying for half her ticket or all of it?  If the latter, how did things morph from you offering to pay half to ending up paying for the whole thing?

 

[Fox Sake]

Thanks everyone.

Some great points have been made by others - 

so unfortunately I brought this up before reading the replies. I almost wish I hadn’t but at the end of the day I don’t want to be harbouring resentment so it’s easier to just say and be open and honest about my feelings. 
 

it was received quite badly.  She took it as me being selfish. And then asked what I wanted to do about it. Her knee jerk reaction was to say that she would just come and see me for a week and then go home again…or maybe that this wasn’t the right time. 
I explained it wasn’t about her seeing her friends and that it was more about me paying for her to do so when I should have felt like the number one priority. 
she eventually said she understood where I was coming from (I said that’s all I wanted was for some empathic compassion or understanding to how I could be feeling) but I somehow don’t think she does entirely and just sees it as me having a problem. 
 

which brings me to some of the excellent points that were brought up here. 

@Alpaca she paid for the last trip here. I wasn’t her priority on the trip nor was I the main reason. She spent 2 weeks elsewhere with friends. We were still just sort of talking at that point but things changed after she made the effort to come up and see me. 
mad far as other payments go, generally we pay our own stuff. 


@Cookiesandough
Cookies! It’s been ages! Don’t misconstrue my confusion with happiness hahaha it’s all pretty up in the air just now! 
 

@Wiseman2

very good point. It usually was that case but she has been off work for 4 months and has just returned. I’m not allowed into the states right now or I would have gone out there. 
 

@Acacia98 You have also made some very good points. I think I’m just going to have to swallow this one this time and who know- maybe there’s a lesson it for me. 
I think you made some very solid points about it expectations and how each of the stand in this right now. 
 

@glows

i think this could be jumping the gun a little , it’s not all black and white. But you do make a valid point. 
 

@ExpatInItaly

sent her £500 for a ticket. I assumed it would have been more but found some cheaper ones. That pretty much pays for her main flights. I know I’m an idiot. 
 

@balletomane thank you for honest answer that puts you in both camps. I don’t know what to suggest right now. Basil did suggest I say we spend some time down in England together , which I’m open too, but if it’s not received well then I do t know where to go from there. 
 

@Donnas

I’m a little confused by your answer. I’m not quite sure who’s side you’re on there. I don’t mind either way / if I’m being an animal then I would rather know so I can fix myself. 
she should leave me ? Or I should be the one running? 
 

 

thanks for all your help so far. Really appreciate having all these views on this. I just want to deal with it one way or another. 
 

Edit - sorry if missed any questions. Ask me again if I missed anything 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Donnas]

If both have to fly to each other, everyone needs to pay Their own tickets. 

 

[poppyfields]

[ ]

Hi Foxy, good to see you, you've been missed! 

Anyway, I'm a bit confused myself.

If let's say she paid for the entite trip, and you had not contributed the £500, would you still being feeling this hurt that you weren't the priority?

If so, the money is actually irrelevant, you're just hurt that she doesn't want to spend the entire trip with you!

If I'm wrong and your attitude is actually "I paid for half so you should be making me the sole priority" I think that does sound a bit controlling and selfish. 

You gave but with conditions.  That she spend her entire trip with you. 

That's not why we give.  We give from our hearts because it makes us happy and makes the other happy.  It brings joy.  In time, your giving will come back to you, in some form or fashion. 

If you are solid at your core, you can freely give without feeling used or that you are being exploited.

This has now turned a bit toxic imo due to your giving being conditional, having an expectation and her not meeting your conditions and expectations.

On the other hand, if you would feel this hurt regardless of whether or not  you gave her money, then address that and leave the money issue out of it.

You're hurt because you feel more invested and not a priority, and that's ok you are within your rights to feel that way, they're your feelings. 

If that IS the case, not sure why the money issue was ever mentioned in the first place.  

Good luck and keep us posted, and don't be such a stranger 'round here!  

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote which has since been hidden

[FMW]

If I paid for someone's air fare for the purpose of spending time together,  I  would feel bothered by the money issue.  It's  not controlling, it's  not being cheap, it would be about feeling used and taken for granted.

It would be different if the plan to split the visit had been part of the original offer to pay.

So in my opinion, yes, you have the right to be annoyed by the situation.

That doesn't necessarily mean her feelings for you are any less than you thought, it may just be a difference in what is expected of your relationship.

Don't ignore your feelings about it.

[smackie9]

You are going to get sex right? I wouldn't complain. And it's only a onetime thing her visiting her friends. To me this looks like it isn't all that much about the ticket.....Anyways if she does it again punt her to the curb.

Edited August 5, 2021 by smackie9

[Fox Sake]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

If let's say she paid for the entite trip, and you had not contributed the £500, would you still being feeling this hurt that you weren't the priority?

If so, the money is actually irrelevant, you're just hurt that she doesn't want to spend the entire trip with you!

 

 

You absolutely hit the nail on the head! That is exactly how I feel! 
 

thanks for your kind words too  I had to go and focus on myself for a while 

[Fox Sake]

@poppyfields sorry I kinda of rushed that reply without answering your other questions. 

you got me spot on with your reply. It’s not about the money at all it’s about feeling like a priority. 
I would have felt the same had she paid for her own ticket. The fact that I paid for it and this was the outcome, just threw me off. 
 

I took Basils advice. Suggested I went down with her for a few days and asked if I could meet her friends and asked if I could introduce her to a few of mine down there too. She said she will think about it and that hadn’t crossed her mind as a possibility. 
 

@smackie9 yes more than likely , but sex is available just about everywhere! I’m looking for that deeper connection with someone who compliments me as a person, as I do them. faults and all! I will heed your advice tho  
 

 

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

You absolutely hit the nail on the head! That is exactly how I feel! 

Lol, yeah I had a feeling that was it.

Which is OK, but address that, within yourself mostly.  Regroup, become centered.  Grounded.

Yoga helps me with that, I can't remember if that's something you've done or willing to do?

It's also OK to take a step back.  It's important you are both on the same wavelengths imo, and if that takes stepping back a bit in your invested feelings, again that is OK. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

25 minutes ago, FMW said:

If I paid for someone's air fare for the purpose of spending time together,  I  would feel bothered by the money issue.  It's  not controlling, it's  not being cheap, it would be about feeling used and taken for granted.

It would be different if the plan to split the visit had been part of the original offer to pay.

So in my opinion, yes, you have the right to be annoyed by the situation.

That doesn't necessarily mean her feelings for you are any less than you thought, it may just be a difference in what is expected of your relationship.

Don't ignore your feelings about it.

Thank you! I’m trying super hard to look at myself objectively with it. As this is on me for feeling like this. While I feel some of my feelings are valid, I also feel that they may not be. 
It was very wrong of me to expect her to want to spend the 2 weeks with me but I did feel hurt that she didn’t. Which is a bit crazy. 
 
 

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, yeah I had a feeling that was it.

Which is OK, but address that, within yourself mostly.  Regroup, become centered.  Grounded.

Yoga helps me with that, I can't remember if that's something you've done or willing to do?

It's also OK to take a step back.  It's important you are both on the same wavelengths imo, and if that takes stepping back a bit in your invested feelings, again that is OK. 

I think the people who know me the best on here will understand me. Which I appreciate greatly because given some of the replies, I think the story was taken as black and white but it’s made it easier for me to see how she could have taken that wrong way- especially if others have too, even tho I included context which probably wasn’t all the clear.  I can be an a**h*** at times, but this wasn’t one of them! 
 

We spoke an hour ago. I apologised for the butt hurt attitude, and she apologised for how “cold and occasionally emotionally detached” she can be at times. Not gonna lie - that is an issue. 
Then proclaimed she loved me ….something about this reminds me of the sea …the waves coming crashing in, before they recede and reappear in an infinite process . 
 

[Love Yourself First]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

If I were you, I'd go ahead and pay for half of her air ticket because I already made the commitment

No, I don't think this is a healthy mindset, the second she changed the arrangement OP has every right to alter it as well, this is the idea behind commitment, that even if something isn't in your interest, you see it through, since when did commitment become woman alters agreement and man's previous commitment still saw as valid? 

 

You are not married to this person, you don't owe her anything, whether you are getting sex from or her or not, she is not a prosty and you are not a John.

 

This is extremely disrespectful and will 100% set the wrong expectation of your relationship and she WILL leverage against you again if you do not hold fast here.