Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[Starrs]

i think the best thing to do is to tell him you don’t feel comfortable with what he’s doing. i also wouldn’t want someone coming in the middle of the night for a “kiss” he’s horny and you know it. 

[cleverusername]

49 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Look, it's just what I'm more comfortable with, no need to judge.  And I said nothing about "sexting," when did that enter into this discussion? 

Like back in the day, people wrote letters.  No difference. 

I'm not alone, many people express themselves better via the written word.

I suck at verbal communique, don't know why, and again no need to judge or mock, we all have different styles. 

And I find email easier than text with respect to typing, like I said I've had great substantive conversations this way. 

Why am I being put on the defensive anyway? Stick to Emily, she's the OP, not me. 

The first part was sarcasm, hence the "but seriously" that followed. Not sure why you feel judged or so defensive about it..... you we're the one who brought up the preference for email, I just wanted you to expand on it. But ok. 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

The first part was sarcasm, hence the "but seriously" that followed. Not sure why you feel judged or so defensive about it..... you we're the one who brought up the preference for email, I just wanted you to expand on it. But ok. 

Probably because I've been judged before, criticized and accused of being "lazy" for not talking on phone. 

For some reason, some folks believe texting/emailing is lazy, hiding behind a keyboard. 

It can often require more energy to compose a substantive, thoughtful text or email than press digits into a phone to hear a voice to "check-in" or whatever. 

But apologies for getting defensive, it's a sensitive subject for me for that reason. 

[cleverusername]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Probably because I've been judged before, criticized and accused of being "lazy" for not talking on phone. 

For some reason, some folks believe texting/emailing is lazy, hiding behind a keyboard. 

It can often require more energy to compose a substantive, thoughtful text or email than press digits into a phone to hear a voice to "check-in" or whatever. 

But apologies for getting defensive, it's a sensitive subject for me for that reason. 

No worries friend

[FMW]

My guy is the best guy I've ever known other than my dad.  He's a truly good and caring person, honest, trustworthy.

That being said, his communication style as a whole is not what I've previously experienced and at times along the way I've been frustrated because of it.  But most of the time I've come to realize that it's all because of my own expectations from reading about what a guy should do, how they should do it, how often, etc. and from my own previous experience. 

But all the daily calls and texts from other men in the past were certainly not accurate barometers of lasting interest and connection.

After more than 18 months we're together 3 or 4 days/nights a week usually, but frequently have no texts or calls with each other on the days we aren't together.  We don't  check in to just say hi unless we've been apart for several days for some reason.  But he's more there for me in a real and meaningful way than any other guy has been.  And I was married for many years.

I'm  not weighing in on whether  you should next this particular guy or not, but I do think it might be good for you to be less rigid with your expectations and allow for differences in communication styles.  Not putting up with crap doesn't  mean requiring strict adherence to your way of how things should be done.

 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

With past boyfriends we would communicate more often and I wouldn’t feel disconnected just because we are apart. 

But those relationships probably lasted longer than this one, so there was time to develop a connection that didn't require constant feeding.

And those past boyfriends didn't last, so they aren't necessarily good examples by which to judge.

As I said before, I have no position on whether or not you should see this particular guy again.  I'm just suggesting being more open to differences.

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

But those relationships probably lasted longer than this one, so there was time to develop a connection that didn't require constant feeding.

And those past boyfriends didn't last, so they aren't necessarily good examples by which to judge.

As I said before, I have no position on whether or not you should see this particular guy again.  I'm just suggesting being more open to differences.

As I was saying before, if we were together for weeks or months and have an established relationship I probably wouldn’t require that much communication when apart.

But at this very beginning, little communication means low effort to me or not being that much into me.

Well he is coming back next week and will still be on holidays without his kids. I want to see if his communication improves at that time, with no work or kids. If it’s still the same, then I’ll tell him we’re done.

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

OMG, are there any men that are just not too much or too little? Just balanced!?

There sure are. But I haven't had much luck meeting more than 1 or 2 of them.

Edited August 11, 2021 by Acacia98

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well he is coming back next week and will still be on holidays without his kids. I want to see if his communication improves at that time, with no work or kids. If it’s still the same, then I’ll tell him we’re done.

This is unfair.  While on holiday most people want to take a break from real life.  IMO dating & catching up with somebody you barely know is real life & is therefore to be ignored while on holiday.  Give the guy a chance to unplug.  He may need rest after having the kids.  He may need to lick his wounds & regroup because he will be in emotional pain having to give them back again.  It's not fair for you to demand to be center stage in his life yet.  

I get that you want more communication in the beginning.  But your requirement is backwards.  People gradually build up to the level of communication you expect from the start.  

You said you are dating / talking to other people.  So keep doing that.  The only fair test (& I hate that word / concept) is to see how he acts when normal life resumes.  

Again your rigidity -- born of fear & anxiety because you are so terrified of being hurt -- is closing you off to possibilities because you demand too much too early.  

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well he is coming back next week and will still be on holidays without his kids. I want to see if his communication improves at that time, with no work or kids. If it’s still the same, then I’ll tell him we’re done.

Oh so now you've decided you aren't going to let him go and move on afterall?

[Miss Spider]

Of course she wasn’t xD

Edited August 11, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Of course she wasn’t xD

Yeah, bad communication or not she sure wants this guy.

[Miss Spider]

Emilyinroses threads have a pattern . At least she sees it through to the end I guess… 

Edited August 11, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Emilyinroses threads have a pattern 

And they all end with me telling the guy goodbye.

[Miss Spider]

You could save 20 pgs and a lot of frustration if you’d just tell them goodbye a lot earlier 

[Emilyinroses]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This is unfair.  While on holiday most people want to take a break from real life.  IMO dating & catching up with somebody you barely know is real life & is therefore to be ignored while on holiday.  Give the guy a chance to unplug.  He may need rest after having the kids.  He may need to lick his wounds & regroup because he will be in emotional pain having to give them back again.  It's not fair for you to demand to be center stage in his life yet.  

I get that you want more communication in the beginning.  But your requirement is backwards.  People gradually build up to the level of communication you expect from the start.  

You said you are dating / talking to other people.  So keep doing that.  The only fair test (& I hate that word / concept) is to see how he acts when normal life resumes.  

Again your rigidity -- born of fear & anxiety because you are so terrified of being hurt -- is closing you off to possibilities because you demand too much too early.  

Is not unfair because he said he’ll have more free time at that time for us to spend more tine together and get to know each other. His words.

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Is not unfair because he said he’ll have more free time at that time for us to spend more tine together and get to know each other. His words.

OK if you already talked about it & his expressed intention was to use this time to devote to you then it is fair. In that case you are just seeing if he keeps his word.   

The way I understood the post I originally quoted was that this test was solely your idea & you had not communicated that expectation to him, which I think you will agree is something else altogether.  

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

OK if you already talked about it & his expressed intention was to use this time to devote to you then it is fair. In that case you are just seeing if he keeps his word.   

The way I understood the post I originally quoted was that this test was solely your idea & you had not communicated that expectation to him, which I think you will agree is something else altogether.  

Sorry if I didn’t explain it well. He said that last time we were together and even asked me if I would be available too. 

So yes I want to see if he keeps his word and how it goes at that time. If he starts making excuses and is distant again, I’ll then move on but at least knowing all I need.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

So yes I want to see if he keeps his word and how it goes at that time. If he starts making excuses and is distant again, I’ll then move on but at least knowing all I need.

Fine 

14 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

And they all end with me telling the guy goodbye.

But again, sometimes I think you are being . . not too hasty because by the time you say goodbye things are not what you want . . but I think you have a tendency to force things into that bad posture because your expectations are too much.  In essence you set yourself up for failure because you don't give the other person a meaningful chance to warm up to you, which takes at least  1 month & 6-7 dates but should not be measured by the number of phone calls or texts.  In the beginning less really is more.  Try to be more open to that.  

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Fine 

But again, sometimes I think you are being . . not too hasty because by the time you say goodbye things are not what you want . . but I think you have a tendency to force things into that bad posture because your expectations are too much.  In essence you set yourself up for failure because you don't give the other person a meaningful chance to warm up to you, which takes at least  1 month & 6-7 dates but should not be measured by the number of phone calls or texts.  In the beginning less really is more.  Try to be more open to that.  

Ok I agree with that, so that’s why in this case now I’ll give the guy a chance and see how things go between us when he comes back. 

[Emilyinroses]

Hi guys, just want to give you an update on this topic. So I basically got fed up today with this guy

Before he told me when he came back from his holidays (this weekend), we would meet. So he came back yesterday, and since we matched on Tinder I could see his distance changed and he was in fact back home.

So he sent me one of his short dry texts saying he got injured in his eye yesterday and have to go to the doctor today. 

I got worried and asked him what’s going on, and he read my message and didn’t reply.

Later I sent him another message asking if he is ok and that through message I don’t understand and it would be good for him to call like we agreed before he would do.

So he read this message and called after 5 minutes, saying he spent all day in the hospital because of his eye. He said he was in his car coming out of the hospital and driving home.

The hospital be mentioned that he went is 30 minutes away, I checked on Tinder and his location was pretty much the same as his home as he was talking to me on the phone.

He also said he was driving, but there was no road noises, just the sound of a car passing by once and a while, seemed like he was in his car but parked somewhere, probably by his house.

He also said be misses me a lot, asked me what I have been doing these past days, and said he wants to see me Monday if he is better.

I had the feeling the whole time he was lying and telling me BS. He was probably at home with someone else, and went outside inside his car to call me. That’s why the distance on Tinder was the same.

Also, I found his Instagram account and he has some recent photos of yesterday and today totally fine with his kids and no problem in his eye...

I am fed up of this and do not want to be with someone I feel is BS me. I’m telling him I don’t wish to continue.

Edited August 14, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I’m telling him I don’t wish to continue.

Then just go ahead and rip off the Band-Aid. 

What are you waiting for? 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

So he sent me one of his short dry texts saying he got injured in his eye yesterday and have to go to the doctor today. 

Do you think his last Tinder hookup gave him a black eye?

[FMW]

Just tell him you don't want to see him again.  Whether he's lying or not, this is way too much drama for the period of time you've  known him.

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then just go ahead and rip off the Band-Aid. 

What are you waiting for? 

I agree.  What are you waiting for?