Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well it’s only been a few dates with him so is still very early on, is not like we have been dating for weeks or months.

And so that’s exactly what I am doing, next him.

No I realize that, and it's good you're nexting him.  My only point was that it's a futile waste of energy telling him his attitude and energy is off, you have only had a few dates, just NEXT him.

No man wants to hear that anyway, it serves no purpose and it just sounds whiny and bytchy.   It's certainly not going to compel him to want to change or improve his energy or attitude.  It may do the opposite!

He's not for you, bye.  Easy peasy.  

It will save you a lot of unnecessary frustration and drama.  And time!

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[lonelyplanetmoon]

OP, at 5 dates, you are over the top on expectations.  You sound very high maintenance. I understand that you have insecurities but wow.

I am in agreement with Donnivan.  Her points are solid  You should try to digest her post by re-reading it.

You are assuming he thinks like you so therefore projecting that he is like this or that or after this or that.  But the truth is you don’t really KNOW a person’s true interest/ intent until months.

Have some patience and enjoy the process.  You need to slow down and smell the roses.  There is no need to rush to the finish line.

My big mistake in my past was that I took things too seriously.  I took myself too seriously and it made me unhappy.  Learning to laugh more has been the biggest gift to myself.

Here is how i handled my recent relationship (general guidelines)

I don’t multi date and prefer to give attention to one guy at a time.

1.  First month - Assess whether there is enough to keep dating.  Keep dates fun. Focus on getting along while getting to know him.  No expectations at this stage. If things develop ok. If they don’t also ok.

2. First 3 months - Continue to focus on fun dates and getting to know him.  This should be no expectations.  Let him be himself and show him I am accepting of him for who he is.

3. 3-6 months - we are exclusive.  We like each other enough to agree to continue.  We have fun and start making memories.  I am still accepting of him but I start to talk about my feelings.  I gauge his response to my feelings to assess whether he listens.  He does not need to agree but it is important that he is able to listen and respond maturely and lovingly.

4. 6 months - decision to get serious or leave.  Everything learned in the last 6 months.  Sometimes you are still not sure but a conscious choice should be made.

5. 6-9 months - moving toward relationship but truthfully we are still strangers so work to connect emotionally and maintain an emotional connection.  Talk about things but still low expectations.

6. 9 months - Are we connected emotionally? Is the relationship balanced in effort and interest?  If the balance is not 50/50 then time to go.  If it is 50/50 on average then great! We must also get along with minimal fights.

7. 9-12 months - Develop relationship and work to set the “tone” of the relationship.  We are setting the foundation for happy and healthy communication.

8.  1 year -Deepening emotional bonds. We are falling in love and treat each other with respect, gentleness and caring. We are both able to give and receive from each other.

All through 1-8   I am assessing whether I want to accept him for who he is.  I look for honesty.  I show him acceptance so that he feels comfortable being himself.  That way I  can see him truly for who he is.  I do the internal work to accept him or decide otherwise.  Yes I had doubts along the way but that was a battle I had internally until the battling stopped.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

I agree with Poppy, there's no good reason to let him know you are moving on unless you are telling him that so he won't let you.  If you've made up your mind he isn't a fit just move on.  That is what he would do.  I could understand if you two were actually already in a relationship and you wanted to tell him it's not working so you're breaking up.  The fact is there is nothing to break up from in your case.  Like Poppy said, easy peasy at this point.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well it’s only been a few dates with him so is still very early on, is not like we have been dating for weeks or months.

And so that’s exactly what I am doing, next him.

You said you were done a few pages ago, and now saying you're nexting him but you won't. And you should. Your instinct is telling you something is off, that he's treating you more like a f*buddy. Trust your little voice and dump him. He's sucking too much mental energy out of you. Dump him and go find someone better suited for you. 

When I started dating again last June I was very much on the defensive like you and also very afraid of being hurt again. I found flaws to every man I went out with untill I met a man that I could not find any! There is no little voice talking to me, he contacts me each day, our conversations are meaningful, I truly feel he's sincere in getting to know me for the right reasons. That's how it will feel when you meet a compatible prospect.  No good relationships start with multiple issues, frustrations, incompatibility. 

Save your time and mental energy and dump him. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You said you were done a few pages ago, and now saying you're nexting him but you won't. And you should. Your instinct is telling you something is off, that he's treating you more like a f*buddy. Trust your little voice and dump him. He's sucking too much mental energy out of you. Dump him and go find someone better suited for you. 

When I started dating again last June I was very much on the defensive like you and also very afraid of being hurt again. I found flaws to every man I went out with untill I met a man that I could not find any! There is no little voice talking to me, he contacts me each day, our conversations are meaningful, I truly feel he's sincere in getting to know me for the right reasons. That's how it will feel when you meet a compatible prospect.  No good relationships start with multiple issues, frustrations, incompatibility. 

Save your time and mental energy and dump him. 

I agree with Gaeta.  And although personally for me, I don't need a daily phone call or even a daily text (see my previous posts), everyone has their own needs and style and if that's what you need, don't settle for less.

Just make sure your needs are coming from the right place and not from anxiety, insecurity or fear.

Edited August 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You said you were done a few pages ago, and now saying you're nexting him but you won't. And you should. Your instinct is telling you something is off, that he's treating you more like a f*buddy. Trust your little voice and dump him. He's sucking too much mental energy out of you. Dump him and go find someone better suited for you. 

When I started dating again last June I was very much on the defensive like you and also very afraid of being hurt again. I found flaws to every man I went out with untill I met a man that I could not find any! There is no little voice talking to me, he contacts me each day, our conversations are meaningful, I truly feel he's sincere in getting to know me for the right reasons. That's how it will feel when you meet a compatible prospect.  No good relationships start with multiple issues, frustrations, incompatibility. 

Save your time and mental energy and dump him. 

Agree. I already saw we are not compatible and I am moving on.

[Emilyinroses]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with Gaeta.  And although personally for me, I don't need a daily phone call or even a daily text (see my previous posts), everyone has their own needs and style and if that's what you need, don't settle for less.

Just make sure your needs are coming from the right place and not from anxiety, insecurity or fear.

I think I am quite good at feeling the energy behind people’s actions, and this guy just feels off all the way. Yes pretty much low effort and quite superficial.

I guess what I truly need are not specific daily texts and phone calls, but something that feels real and genuine.

So moving on.

[Acacia98]

I hear you on the frequency and type of communication you look for from a guy starting in the early stages, @Emilyinroses.

I've consistently had experiences where not matching up with the guy communication-wise leads to a lousy relationship. And in my experience, that kind of thing has been apparent in the beginning. The thing is, I don't always trust what my instincts are telling me when I should. So I talk myself into dating these guys even when I can sense the gap. Let's just say I've learned from experience.

If I were in your shoes today, I'd next this guy for the precise reasons you give.

[cleverusername]

16 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Emily, the bolded statement is biased.  Not everyone enjoys talking on the phone, I HATE talking on the phone even when I am absolutely crazy about a man!

The men I date feel the same.  Email is the preferred method of communication, I LOVE email!  I have had some awesome conversations with the men I date over email.  Meaningful, substantive.

So to say a "real man" makes the effort to pick up the phone, is just an inaccurate statement, I don't even know what a "real man" is, what is your definition of a "real man," just curious.

The man I am seeing is very much a MAN, but we very rarely talk on the phone.  He NEVER calls me on the phone, he knows I wouldn't pick up!  LOL

He doesn't take it personally, he KNOWS I am crazy about him. 

 

Email?? Geez, what's next sexting over telegraph?

But seriously, what's the difference between texting and email?

[d0nnivain]

Just now, cleverusername said:

But seriously, what's the difference between texting and email?

A bigger keyboard.  

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Email?? Geez, what's next sexting over telegraph?

But seriously, what's the difference between texting and email?

Look, it's just what I'm more comfortable with, no need to judge.  And I said nothing about "sexting," when did that enter into this discussion? 

Like back in the day, people wrote letters.  No difference. 

I'm not alone, many people express themselves better via the written word.

I suck at verbal communique, don't know why, and again no need to judge or mock, we all have different styles. 

And I find email easier than text with respect to typing, like I said I've had great substantive conversations this way. 

Why am I being put on the defensive anyway? Stick to Emily, she's the OP, not me. 

Edited August 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Look, it's just what I'm more comfortable with, no need to judge.

Like back in the day, people wrote letters.  No difference. 

I'm not alone, many people express themselves better via the written word.

I suck at verbal communique, don't know why, and again no need to judge or mock, we all have different styles. 

Stick to Emily, she's the OP, not me. 

Yes everyone has their own preferences.

I don’t like email because I prefer instant communication like speaking on the phone. 

But whatever the type of communication is, any communication is better than none or nearly none.

[Emilyinroses]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I hear you on the frequency and type of communication you look for from a guy starting in the early stages, @Emilyinroses.

I've consistently had experiences where not matching up with the guy communication-wise leads to a lousy relationship. And in my experience, that kind of thing has been apparent in the beginning. The thing is, I don't always trust what my instincts are telling me when I should. So I talk myself into dating these guys even when I can sense the gap. Let's just say I've learned from experience.

If I were in your shoes today, I'd next this guy for the precise reasons you give.

I guess what made me give this guy the benefit of the doubt is the fact that in person he is great at communicating and we have great conversations and communication flows.

When apart, he feels disconnected and like a different person, and I feel the distance between us.

I think it would be worse if it was the other way around for sure (great in texting and phone calls and poor communication in person), but still to me that is a mismatch in communication styles that I am not comfortable with. So I agree with you and I am nexting him.

The other guy I am talking too and seems good at communicating is starting to become too much too soon.

We haven’t even met in person and yesterday he wanted to call me twice. Today he asked last minute for us to meet for a coffee and I told him I am with my son and can’t do, and again he wanted to call me. I think is a bit too much before we even met the first time. 

So one doesn’t call me at all when he said he would, the other one calls me 3 times in 2 days when we never met in person yet.

OMG, are there any men that are just not too much or too little? Just balanced!?

Edited August 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes everyone has their own preferences.

I don’t like email because I prefer instant communication like speaking on the phone. 

But whatever the type of communication is, any communication is better than none or nearly none.

Exactly. Who the hell cares how you communicate, as long as you're communicating! 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I guess what made me give this guy the benefit of the doubt is the fact that in person he is great at communicating and we have great conversations and communication flows.

This^ is seriously all that would matter to me, my goodness that's huge and speaks volumes!

But again we all have our own needs and styles, I'm not going to talk you out of what you need to feel important and special to a man you're dating. 

I do think it's sad though given in person it's so great, and you really seemed to like him and vice versa. 

I truly hope you find what you're looking for Emily, good luck! 

Edited August 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

So one doesn’t call me at all when he said he would, the other one calls me 3 times in 2 days when we never met in person yet.

Since this^is what you like just go with him and stop worrying about the other guy.

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This^ is all that would matter to me, my goodness that's huge and speaks volumes!

But again we all have our own needs and styles, I'm not going to talk you out of what you need to feel important and special to a man you're dating. 

I do think it's sad though given in person it's so great, and you really seemed to like him and vice versa. 

I truly hope you find that you're looking for Emily, good luck! 

I know, that’s why I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Because in person is great.

But I do not feel that same connection when we are apart. With past boyfriends we would communicate more often and I wouldn’t feel disconnected just because we are apart. 
 With this guy I do.

It doesn’t feel like the same person. This is very weird to me.

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Since this^is what you like just go with him and stop worrying about the other guy.

No that is not what I like. Calling me 3 times on the phone in 2 days when we never met in person yet is way too much to me and feels like love bombing.  I need a balanced dynamic.

Edited August 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

I don’t like email because I prefer instant communication like speaking on the phone. 

I hate to say it, but this just validates my impression that your expectations are unreasonable.  You have zero patience.  I see it over & over again, every time you meet a new man & create a post about something being off.  It's like a self-fulling prophecy.  You push too hard & want to go too fast then get annoyed when the guy doesn't do things your way on your rushed time table.   When things then fizzle out after you convinced yourself there were problems (even though they only existed in your mind) you congratulate yourself on being able to read people.  

I get that he promised to call more & hasn't but he's on vacation with his kids.  I think you have to accept the vacation as an anomaly & see if he calls more once he returns to real life.  Judging him while he's away with his kids doesn't seem fair.  

You are the common denominator in all of this.  You certainly should not go back to being a doormat & simply accepting scraps some man threw at you because he's a man, but you may want to consider communicating more clearly while simultaneously letting things unfold more slowly.  I genuinely think you will be happier if you learn patience.  I think you toss out good men for dumb reasons. 

Here, you find the texts dry & uninteresting but you are not responding in a way that livens up the conversation.  The guy is sending you pics with his kids.  To me that shows effort, caring & a desire to include you in his life / vacation at least in a small way (which is appropriate at this stage).  Yet you are complaining about something that is a good thing. IMO having good in-person communication is vastly superior to his texting game.  If the foundation is there, you can eventually teach him to use the device.  I hate texting & don't do it often.  Somebody dating me would conclude I don't care if that was the definitive criteria.  Honestly, you are assessing this all wrong & making yourself crazy in the process.  I really don't understand why / how you can feel "disconnected" from this man or why you miss him.  You barely know him  You have not had sufficient time to actually connect.   3 months ago he wasn't even in your life.  You glomming on to some new person to fulfill something that is missing in your life is the issue. 

If you could learn to be more patient & accept good things that come your way even if they are not in the form you expect, things will improve.  For example & this is an imperfect analogy but if a man told you that he was going to pick you up in a blue Toyota but his car conked out so he rented a red Mustang, instead of seeing how wonderful it is that he made the effort to rent the car to fulfill his promise to pick you up, you'd rant on about sports cars are dangerous & he doesn't care about your safety  

Based on the above, do you understand why I & some others are suggesting that you bring problems upon yourself? 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

No that is not what I like. Calling me 3 times on the phone in 2 days when we never met in person yet is way too much to me and feels like love bombing.  I need a balanced dynamic.

Maybe just take a break from dating for a while since you can't find what you want.  You need a break.

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Maybe just take a break from dating for a while since you can't find what you want.  You need a break.

Agree. I feel exhausted and this just distracts me from my work and my life.

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I hate to say it, but this just validates my impression that your expectations are unreasonable.  You have zero patience.  I see it over & over again, every time you meet a new man & create a post about something being off.  It's like a self-fulling prophecy.  You push too hard & want to go too fast then get annoyed when the guy doesn't do things your way on your rushed time table.   When things then fizzle out after you convinced yourself there were problems (even though they only existed in your mind) you congratulate yourself on being able to read people.  

I get that he promised to call more & hasn't but he's on vacation with his kids.  I think you have to accept the vacation as an anomaly & see if he calls more once he returns to real life.  Judging him while he's away with his kids doesn't seem fair.  

You are the common denominator in all of this.  You certainly should not go back to being a doormat & simply accepting scraps some man threw at you because he's a man, but you may want to consider communicating more clearly while simultaneously letting things unfold more slowly.  I genuinely think you will be happier if you learn patience.  I think you toss out good men for dumb reasons. 

Here, you find the texts dry & uninteresting but you are not responding in a way that livens up the conversation.  The guy is sending you pics with his kids.  To me that shows effort, caring & a desire to include you in his life / vacation at least in a small way (which is appropriate at this stage).  Yet you are complaining about something that is a good thing. IMO having good in-person communication is vastly superior to his texting game.  If the foundation is there, you can eventually teach him to use the device.  I hate texting & don't do it often.  Somebody dating me would conclude I don't care if that was the definitive criteria.  Honestly, you are assessing this all wrong & making yourself crazy in the process.  I really don't understand why / how you can feel "disconnected" from this man or why you miss him.  You barely know him  You have not had sufficient time to actually connect.   3 months ago he wasn't even in your life.  You glomming on to some new person to fulfill something that is missing in your life is the issue. 

If you could learn to be more patient & accept good things that come your way even if they are not in the form you expect, things will improve.  For example & this is an imperfect analogy but if a man told you that he was going to pick you up in a blue Toyota but his car conked out so he rented a red Mustang, instead of seeing how wonderful it is that he made the effort to rent the car to fulfill his promise to pick you up, you'd rant on about sports cars are dangerous & he doesn't care about your safety  

Based on the above, do you understand why I & some others are suggesting that you bring problems upon yourself? 

Ok thank you, some good questions for me to think about. I feel it would be good for me to have some kind of therapy because I do have trust issues and anxiety.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

Ok thank you, some good questions for me to think about. I feel it would be good for me to have some kind of therapy because I do have trust issues and anxiety.

That's all we can do . . .self reflection.  I do think some of your trust issues & anxiety make you conclude that the slightest blip spells doom & gloom.  If you can ratchet up your own self esteem you may be able to roll with the punches a bit more.  That is not so say that you should be a door mat just that this less than perfect communications glitch on this man's vacation is not the disaster you are making it out to be.  

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I feel it would be good for me to have some kind of therapy because I do have trust issues and anxiety.

I agree about the therapy.  Trust issues and anxiety will kill a relationship before it even starts.  With therapy you will have a better outlook.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I know, that’s why I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Because in person is great.

But I do not feel that same connection when we are apart. With past boyfriends we would communicate more often and I wouldn’t feel disconnected just because we are apart. 
 With this guy I do.

It doesn’t feel like the same person. This is very weird to me.

It'a a good thing you live in a time wherein there is so much technology to keep in touch on a daily basis.

It can be exhausting though, keeping up with all the texts/emails I receive.   I get home and just want to crash, be left alone. 

What would you have done back in the day before text, email or even phones? 

Somehow people managed it, fell in love, got married.

How?

Less expectations, less social conditioning.

That's what I think a lot of this is, but again if that's what you need, no judgment, be happy!

 

 

Edited August 11, 2021 by poppyfields