Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

When a guy is into you, there’s no doubt about it. You know. 

Of course! Who cares how many dates there was. If he is interested he shows it and period.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

When a guy is into you, there’s no doubt about it. You know. 

I agree but my point is a quick once a day phone call to hear your voice is not the way to determine if a man is into you.  It can actually mean the exact opposite as explained in my earlier post.

In fact, I don't trust men that come on that fast.  It's contrived and phony to me. 

I trust his actions while actually in each other's physical presence.  And the substance of his texts or phone calls in between.  Not an obligatory check-in text or phone call to hear my voice once a day.  Does absolutely nothing for me.

That said, trust your gut Emily and your feelings, but be sure you're not allowing anxiety and insecurity to drive your ship.

That's all.  

I guess this guy is done then?  

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree but my point is a quick once a day phone call to hear your voice is not the way to determine if a man is into you.  It can actually mean the exact opposite as explained in my earlier post.

In fact, I don't trust men that come on that fast.  It's contrived and phony to me.  

That said, trust your gut Emily and your feelings, but be sure you're not allowing anxiety and insecurity to drive your ship.

That's all.  

I guess this guy is done then?  

 

 

Of course, I agree with you. Many men do love bombing in the beginning where they shower a woman with attention and it means absolutely nothing, is just to get them fast.

And a phone call might mean nothing too.

In this case I didn’t want a phone call from him in order to analyze his level of interest, he said he would call more and I was genuinely missing him and wanted to talk to him.

And was hoping he would feel the same. It was just that.

I guess he doesn’t, and to him a few short texts are enough, to me they are breadcrumbs.

Yes this guy is done, because if it’s like this now, if will be worse later.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Of course, I agree with you. Many men do love bombing in the beginning where they shower a woman with attention and it means absolutely nothing, is just to get them fast.

And a phone call might mean nothing too.

In this case I didn’t want a phone call from him in order to analyze his level of interest, he said he would call more and I was genuinely missing him and wanted to talk to him.

And was hoping he would feel the same. It was just that.

I guess he doesn’t, and to him a few short texts are enough, to me they are breadcrumbs.

Yes this guy is done, because if it’s like this now, if will be worse later.

Okay fair enough, then end it.  I am curious what you are waiting for. 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

In fact, I don't trust men that come on that fast.  It's contrived and phony to me. 

I agree. Calling/texting all the time doesn't necessarily mean anything. That's generally just infatuation initially.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I agree. Calling/texting all the time doesn't necessarily mean anything. That's generally just infatuation initially.

It's not always that either.  Infatuation is normal and good in early stages.  I always feel infatuated at first, eventually it leads to feelings with more substance.   

Or not.

In my experience, it's more them "going through the motions of actually giving a shyt," doing what they think is necessary to continue getting laid (to be blunt).

When men have given me that "obligatory" once a day check-in text or call, I typically don't even respond.  It's phony to me.   Yawn.

It actually turns me off!!

 

[Emilyinroses]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I agree. Calling/texting all the time doesn't necessarily mean anything. That's generally just infatuation initially.

In this case I wasn’t referring to calling and texting all the time, but once every other day or so.

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's not always that either.  Infatuation is normal and good in early stages.  I always feel infatuated at first, eventually it leads to feelings with more substance.   

Or not.

In my experience, it's more them "going through the motions of actually giving a shyt," doing what they think is necessary to continue getting laid (to be blunt).

When men have given me that "obligatory" once a day check-in text or call, I typically don't even respond.  It's phony to me.   Yawn.

It actually turns me off!!

 

That’s exactly what his short and dry daily texts feel like to me: phony. Bare minimum. Low effort.

 A real man at least makes the effort of picking up the phone and actually call you. 

That’s why I feel off by this.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

In this case I wasn’t referring to calling and texting all the time, but once every other day or so.

Oh.

I thought I read somewhere you wanted daily communication initially. 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Alpaca

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Oh.

I thought I read somewhere you wanted daily communication initially. 

 

At least calling for a few minutes every other day would be a nice thing to do, especially when he is away and we cannot meet.

[poppyfields]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

That’s exactly what his short and dry daily texts feel like to me: phony.

 A real man at least makes the effort of picking up the phone and actually call you. 

That’s why I feel off by this.

Emily, the bolded statement is biased.  Not everyone enjoys talking on the phone, I HATE talking on the phone even when I am absolutely crazy about a man!

The men I date feel the same.  Email is the preferred method of communication, I LOVE email!  I have had some awesome conversations with the men I date over email.  Meaningful, substantive.

So to say a "real man" makes the effort to pick up the phone, is just an inaccurate statement, I don't even know what a "real man" is, what is your definition of a "real man," just curious.

The man I am seeing is very much a MAN, but we very rarely talk on the phone.  He NEVER calls me on the phone, he knows I wouldn't pick up!  LOL

He doesn't take it personally, he KNOWS I am crazy about him. 

 

[Emilyinroses]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Emily, the bolded statement is biased.  Not everyone enjoys talking on the phone, I HATE talking on the phone even when I am absolutely crazy about a man!

The men I date feel the same.  Email is the preferred method of communication, I LOVE email!  I have had some awesome conversations with the men I date over email.  Meaningful, substantive.

So to say a "real man" makes the effort to pick up the phone, is just an inaccurate statement, I don't even know what a "real man" is, what is your definition of a "real man," just curious.

The man I am seeing is very much a MAN, but we very rarely talk on the phone.  He NEVER calls me on the phone, he knows I wouldn't pick up!  LOL

He doesn't take it personally, he KNOWS I am crazy about him. 

 

Last conversation I had with this guy a few days ago before he went on holidays, he said to me he doesn’t like text messages. So I asked him do you prefer to call instead, and he said yes.

And also said he would start calling me more often instead.

What he has been doing since? Sending me short dry daily texts... so I don’t get it.

[poppyfields]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

Last conversation I had with this guy a few days ago before he went on holidays, he said to me he doesn’t like text messages. So I asked him do you prefer to call instead, and he said yes.

And also said he would start calling me more often instead.

What he has been doing since? Sending me short dry daily texts... so I don’t get it.

Okay that's fine, you prefer phone calls, fair enough.

Why are you still dating him?  You have been complaining about him for a while, again I ask you're not happy so end it, what are you waiting for?

He is who he is and you are who you are.

There is no wrong or right, you're simply incompatible.

The end.

Maybe you should send a text right now saying "Xxxxx, I have enjoyed our time, but after getting to know you better, you are simply not the right fit for me, all the best."

Or some variation thereof.

There is no sense in prolonging this Emily, again not sure what you're waiting for.

 

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Okay that's fine, you prefer phone calls, fair enough.

Why are you still dating him?  You have been complaining about him for a while, again I ask you're not happy so end it, what are you waiting for?

He is who he is and you are who you are.

There is no wrong or right, you're simply incompatible.

The end.

Maybe you should send a text right now saying "Xxxxx, I have enjoyed our time, but after getting to know you better, you are simply not the right fit for me, all the best."

Or some variation thereof.

There is no sense in prolonging this Emily, again not sure what you're waiting for.

 

To be honest I wasn’t waiting for anything, I am talking to this other man who communicates much better, and wasn’t even interested in saying much to this one.

Before I would respond to him with nice texts with emojis and stuff, now I am just being short and dry as well, hoping he takes the hint, stop texting and it all just fizzle out by itself.

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

At least calling for a few minutes every other day would be a nice thing to do, especially when he is away and we cannot meet.

I understand.

But could it be that you're looking at this from the viewpoint of what "should" occur or what you'd like to occur when two people are already in a committed relationship?

Make sure you know what’s really important to you not just the little things instead of getting stuck ruminating about why he hasn’t been in touch in the manner in which you prefer.

After all, this is still the "exploratory" phase.

Calling/texting habits aside, there's still so much more to know about each other and whether or not you're a good match.

I've kind of backtracked a bit here but I thought it was important to mention.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Alpaca

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I understand.

But could it be that you're looking at this from the viewpoint of what "should" occur or what you'd like to occur when two people are already in a committed relationship?

Make sure you know what’s really important to you not just the little things instead of getting stuck ruminating about why he hasn’t been in touch in the manner in which you prefer.

After all, this is still the "exploratory" phase.

Calling/texting habits aside, there's still so much more to know about each other and whether or not you're a good match.

I've kind backtracked a bit here but I thought it was important to mention.

When we were together he said to me he is not fooling around and he wants something serious.

So I wasn’t expecting a committed relationship this soon, but was expecting some kind of effort.

His level of effort is similar to a fuc* boy at the moment, with those short and dry texts. Sorry but that’s the truth.

At the end of the day we’re not on the same page.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Before I would respond to him with nice texts with emojis and stuff, now I am just being short and dry as well, hoping he takes the hint, stop texting and it all just fizzle out by itself.

And it would appear that is precisely what he's doing - short, dry texts.  And allowing it to "fizzle out."

But yet you complain about it (and him) as if he's doing something wrong and not a "real man."

I don't think that's fair, do you?

Anyway, I apologize, I have been giving you a rather hard time about this, I don't mean to.

You do YOU, my only advice is try and be more open to different styles and when you sense you and a man are not compatible, don't drag it out like you're doing now and then complain about it.  Accuse him of things, like not being a real man or whatever.

That only serves to increase your frustration which will seep into all your subsequent dating experiences and relationships.

I think I said this earlier, but it can become a vicious cycle.

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

When we were together he said to me he is not fooling around and he wants something serious.

So I wasn’t expecting a committed relationship this soon, but was expecting some kind of effort.

His level of effort is similar to a fuc* boy at the moment, with those short and dry texts. Sorry but that’s the truth.

At the end of the day we’re not on the same page.

First he's not "a real man," now he's a "fuc* boy."  All because he is not taking time from his holiday with his children to meet your communication standards.

Just do the adult/right thing and just tell him you don't think it's a fit.  That'll put an end to your misery and make your intentions unambiguous to him.

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

And it would appear that is precisely what he's doing - short, dry texts.  And allowing it to "fizzle out."

But yet you complain about it (and him) as if he's doing something wrong and not a "real man."

I don't think that's fair, do you?

Anyway, I apologize, I have been giving you a rather hard time about this, I don't mean to.

You do YOU, my only advice is try and be more open to different styles and when you sense you and a man are not compatible, don't drag it out like you're doing now and then complain about it.  Accuse him of things, like not being a real man or whatever.

That only serves to increase your frustration which will seep into all your subsequent dating experiences and relationships.

I think I said this earlier, but it can become a vicious cycle.

 

 

What I meant by a ‘real man’ is one that puts his money where his mouth is. If he says he’s going to call more, he does. Simple.

Yes maybe he is doing it on purpose to put me off and all fizzle out. Didn’t think about that.

But then he sends me photos of him and his kids on holidays, like he did just now! This guy is super confusing really, and I apologise for the continuing venting about it. 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

What I meant by a ‘real man’ is one that puts his money where his mouth is. If he says he’s going to call more, he does. Simple.

Yes maybe he is doing it on purpose to put me off and all fizzle out. Didn’t think about that.

But then he sends me photos of him and his kids on holidays, like he did just now! This guy is super confusing really, and I apologise for the continuing venting about it. 

Emily, I hope you don't take offense to this but what it sounds like to me is you really don't know what you want.  Like @introverted1said, one minute he's not a "real man," next minute he's a "fukk boy," and now you're somewhat defending him saying he's sending you photos of him and his kids on holiday!

In my experience, when people scramble around looking for the exit, but not opening that door to leave, they're scared.  Of what, I don't know it varies.

Of getting hurt, of being played, of getting close, of having a real live relationship with a real human being with flaws versus some perfect robot created in your own vision who will meet every need you ever had and fulfill your every dream.

Just something to consider because often times, it's not the other person being confusing, but your own feelings that are confused along with anxiety, insecurity and fear.  xo

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Emily, I hope you don't take offense to this but what it sounds like to me is you really don't know what you want.  Like @introverted1said, one minute he's not a "real man," next minute he's a "fukk boy," and now you're somewhat defending him saying he's sending you photos of him and his kids on holiday!

In my experience, when people scramble around looking for the exit, but not opening that door to leave, they're scared.  Of what, I don't know it varies.

Of getting hurt, of being played, of getting close, of having a real live relationship with a real human being with flaws versus some perfect robot created in your own vision who will meet every need you ever had and fulfill your every dream.

Just something to consider because often times, it's not the other person being confusing, but your own feelings that are confused.  xo

 

I am scared of getting hurt and being played yes. I cannot seem to be able to trust this guy and my feelings are confused. Very much so.

[Miss Spider]

I doubt this is ultimately about a phone call vs a text. You feel something is off the  communication or he’s being half ^ssed ,then he probably is. What I noticed about you is that you tend to make a lot it excuses for the person when you like them. My friends do the same thing & they end up hurt a lot.. They give too much benefit of the doubt. It happened with your last major thread with a guy you were texting.  At the very least,  you’re not compatible with this guy 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Emilyinroses]

15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I doubt this is ultimately about a phone call vs a text. You feel something is off the  communication or he’s being half ^ssed ,then he probably is. What I noticed about you is that you tend to make a lot it excuses for the person when you like them. My friends do the same thing & they end up hurt a lot.. They give too much benefit of the doubt. It happened with your last major thread with a guy you were texting.  At the very least,  you’re not compatible with this guy 

I totally agree with you. My intuition tells me from the very beginning all I need to know, but then I give them the benefit of the doubt, just to see later my intuition was right.

So yes I felt something was off with this guy from the very beginning. His attitude and energy didn’t match his words and he was low effort. I told him that actually.  He said he has things to improve, but then did nothing.

Now I decided to mirror his behaviour and respond with short and dry texts just like him, and he basically stopped texting me. Usually sends a good night text, sent nothing today.

Didn’t even bother to ask if I am ok. 

Anyway, as I said I am letting this fizzle out.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

So yes I felt something was off with this guy from the very beginning. His attitude and energy didn’t match his words and he was low effort. I told him that actually.  He said he has things to improve, but then did nothing.

I agree with cookies, and jmo but going forward when you sense early in that his attitude and energy are off or don't match his words or he's not what you're looking for, simply wish him well and walk away.

No need to be discussing with him how his energy is off or he has a poor attitude, these early stages are for determining if he's the right fit for you. When you determine he's not, which you did very early on, just next him.

It's a total waste of time talking to him about it after only a few dates, and waiting to see if things improve, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
 

Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with cookies, and jmo but going forward when you sense early in that his attitude and energy are off or don't match his words or he's not what you're looking for, simply wish him well and walk away.

No need to be discussing with him how his energy is off or he has a poor attitude, these early stages are for determining if he's the right fit for you. When you determine he's not, which you did very early on, just next him.

It's a total waste of time talking to him about it after only a few dates, and waiting to see if things improve, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
 

Well it’s only been a few dates with him so is still very early on, is not like we have been dating for weeks or months.

And so that’s exactly what I am doing, next him.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Emilyinroses