Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[Emilyinroses]

42 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

After 5 dates you should know if you want to concentrate on him only. If he makes you feel confused, if you don't relate to each other when  you communicate, if you feel this is too fast, too much, it would be better to drop him and start new with someone else. I don't see the good in starting something new with someone else and tag this man along. 

I was about to drop him after all this confusion, but after the conversation we had today where he apologised and said he will communicate better, I want to see how things go and if he’ll put the money where his mouth is so to speak.

Until I see that he does, I do not feel like stop talking to other men, especially when he is away on holidays for a week so I cannot see if things really evolved between us.

The thing is, I like him but at this point I don’t want to become exclusive just yet without seeing he is indeed communicating better and his intentions are genuine.

[Emilyinroses]

To be completely honest and after checking with me on how I feel, I am not sure I believe him fully and he is saying the truth or I am being played.

Yesterday when we met to talk he said he wouldn’t meet me to talk if he wasn’t serious about me, but is very easy and low effort to meet me for half an hour and say he is serious and want to go on day time dates and communicate better.

But I want to see him actually doing it for real. And until I see that no, I do not want to be exclusive with him or stop talking to other men. For all it takes I am single and is not because I had sex with him that I signed a paper committing to him.

He needs to show me he is putting the money where his mouth is before I decide to commit to him. And I would be very dumb if I didn’t do what I feel just because we’ve had sex. 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Dis]

Maybe I'm in the minority here but I think you're looking for problems where there are none

 

I also think you're getting really confused because of all the contradicting feedback on here and that's happened to me many times so I get it. But take a step back. Take a breath. 

 

Have fun with him and relax...if you keep going out of your way to find an issue...there will surely be one 

[Emilyinroses]

2 hours ago, Dis said:

Maybe I'm in the minority here but I think you're looking for problems where there are none

 

I also think you're getting really confused because of all the contradicting feedback on here and that's happened to me many times so I get it. But take a step back. Take a breath. 

 

Have fun with him and relax...if you keep going out of your way to find an issue...there will surely be one 

I get what you are saying but the feedback here doesn’t make me confused, just helps me seeing things from other perspectives than my own beliefs.

I like to check with how I feel and I am not looking for problems where there is none.

The truth is I feel an emotional disconnect with this guy. When we are together we are fine, but in between meetings (and now that he is away on holidays), I feel a massive emotional distance from him.

He told me yesterday he doesn’t like texting. I told him he can call me on the phone instead, and he said he was going to do that more but hasn’t call me so far.

He also didn’t say that is ok for me to call him as well, said nothing about that. So I refrain from texting him because he said he doesn’t like it, but I also don’t feel comfortable calling him because he didn’t say I can do it too, when I said he can call me.

So all this makes me feel very confused and disconnected from him. I don’t know if that’s just the way he is, or he sees me as just something casual that’s why he is somehow distant. 

And that’s why I won’t stop dating others until I feel 100% comfortable with this guy, if ever.

[cleverusername]

What good has this guy given you? Doesn't communicate well, pushes your boundaries, flaky, actions don't match words, the creepy crying after sex/ emotional baggage.... So what exactly has he done "well" that makes you want to stick around? Because just one of these is normally enough to be a red flag, but all of them? And you have communicated these issues multiple times to him and he's changed exactly 0 of them....

Seems like you're keeping him around to protect yourself emotionally, but in the long run you're only hurting yourself. You can peel the band-aid off slowly and be uncomfortable for a while or you can rip it off and be in pain for a second, either way the band-aid has to come off.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

He also didn’t say that is ok for me to call him as well, said nothing about that. So I refrain from texting him because he said he doesn’t like it, but I also don’t feel comfortable calling him because he didn’t say I can do it too, when I said he can call me.

You are tripping over non-issues. You feel like calling him, do so. You don't need a permission to call. The guy l'm seeing is a texter and after a few dates when l saw his text coming in l started calling instead of texting back. I didn't ask his permission. Last night l text him and boom!! He called! 

I cannot maintain a connection between dates just by texting,  l have to hear their voice and have a spontaneous conversation with them. His voice will grow endearing to me, not his texts.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

 And you have communicated these issues multiple times to him and he's changed exactly 0 

It's a non-sense to me to address issues at 5 dates. If we have issues at 5 dates it means it's not going to work, we're not compatible, or one of us has serious issues.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

What good has this guy given you? Doesn't communicate well, pushes your boundaries, flaky, actions don't match words, the creepy crying after sex/ emotional baggage.... So what exactly has he done "well" that makes you want to stick around? Because just one of these is normally enough to be a red flag, but all of them? And you have communicated these issues multiple times to him and he's changed exactly 0 of them....

I agree with the above.  You continue to complain about him not meeting your needs or even trying.  So why not just forget about this guy and move on.  This early it's not supposed to be this hard.  Give him up and move on.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, cleverusername said:

What good has this guy given you? Doesn't communicate well, pushes your boundaries, flaky, actions don't match words, the creepy crying after sex/ emotional baggage.... So what exactly has he done "well" that makes you want to stick around? Because just one of these is normally enough to be a red flag, but all of them? And you have communicated these issues multiple times to him and he's changed exactly 0 of them....

Seems like you're keeping him around to protect yourself emotionally, but in the long run you're only hurting yourself. You can peel the band-aid off slowly and be uncomfortable for a while or you can rip it off and be in pain for a second, either way the band-aid has to come off.

Agree too.

You had what, 4 dates?

Slept together and he had some pretty intense reactions.

Plus his past relationship history (the cheating and the catching his girlfriend in bed with another man)

You may just have to consider that maybe he isn't in the proper headspace for a relationship with you at this juncture.

Ask yourself if this is something you really want to take on.

Edited August 9, 2021 by Alpaca

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, cleverusername said:

What good has this guy given you? Doesn't communicate well, pushes your boundaries, flaky, actions don't match words, the creepy crying after sex/ emotional baggage.... So what exactly has he done "well" that makes you want to stick around? Because just one of these is normally enough to be a red flag, but all of them? And you have communicated these issues multiple times to him and he's changed exactly 0 of them....

Seems like you're keeping him around to protect yourself emotionally, but in the long run you're only hurting yourself. You can peel the band-aid off slowly and be uncomfortable for a while or you can rip it off and be in pain for a second, either way the band-aid has to come off.

He’s probably hot 

 

I’m the biggest proponent of normalizing male emotions/vulnerability but that is the only way he could have got away with that crying after sex on the second date deal, let’s be honest 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Emilyinroses]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You are tripping over non-issues. You feel like calling him, do so. You don't need a permission to call. The guy l'm seeing is a texter and after a few dates when l saw his text coming in l started calling instead of texting back. I didn't ask his permission. Last night l text him and boom!! He called! 

I cannot maintain a connection between dates just by texting,  l have to hear their voice and have a spontaneous conversation with them. His voice will grow endearing to me, not his texts.

He is away on holidays with his kids, he didn’t mention I can call, so I don’t feel comfortable calling him. 

He said he would be calling me, but no calls so far, only a few short texts.

Edited August 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

5 hours ago, cleverusername said:

What good has this guy given you? Doesn't communicate well, pushes your boundaries, flaky, actions don't match words, the creepy crying after sex/ emotional baggage.... So what exactly has he done "well" that makes you want to stick around? Because just one of these is normally enough to be a red flag, but all of them? And you have communicated these issues multiple times to him and he's changed exactly 0 of them....

Seems like you're keeping him around to protect yourself emotionally, but in the long run you're only hurting yourself. You can peel the band-aid off slowly and be uncomfortable for a while or you can rip it off and be in pain for a second, either way the band-aid has to come off.

I guess you are right. I feel an emotional disconnection and distance with him, and don’t like it, plus all the red flags.

Also the fact I feel like talking to other guys is a good indicator of how I feel about him. 

Time to rip off the band-aid.

[Emilyinroses]

Before I met this guy I went on 4 dates with another guy who was great at communicating.

We never got intimate, but he was calling me on the phone every day, sending texts to truly communicate with me and not just to say something.

The only reason I stopped dating him was because he is younger than me and wants kids. I have a son and do not want more kids, so I decided to stop dating him and leave him alone to find a woman who wants kids too.

But now I feel such a contrast from that guy to this one in terms of communicating. And I prefer the other guy and how he communicates. Not like this now.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

And I prefer the other guy and how he communicates. Not like this now.

You did the right thing by letting that guy go.  You're not compatible.

[Miss Spider]

The heart wants what it wants 

[Emilyinroses]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You did the right thing by letting that guy go.  You're not compatible.

Yes I know, but I was just saying I liked how he communicates and that’s what I prefer, not this guy just sending short text messages here and there, not calling as he said he would and me not feeling at ease to call him.

One of the first things that other guy told me after we met was for me to feel at ease with calling him. If he couldn’t answer he would call back. This one said nothing about me calling him.

Edited August 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Also the fact I feel like talking to other guys is a good indicator of how I feel about him. 

I think that says it all. 

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I think that says it all. 

It does.

I am feeling a massive disconnection from him by his lack of proper communication.

Today the whole day he only sent me some short messages saying he was doing this or that, didn’t ask how I am or what I am doing, didn’t call me either. I asked him a question, he didn’t even answer it.

Seriously, even my dog communicates better than this!

There are people that even if they are far away you feel them close because they know how to communicate, this guy I just feel a massive distance.

I am talking to another guy at the moment, we haven’t even met because I want to solve this first with this guy, but he has already called me more times on the phone than him!

I would love to be the one seeing issues where there is none, but I can’t shake this feeling, especially after we talked yesterday about communicating better. So I’m done.

Edited August 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[d0nnivain]

23 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I know, but I was just saying I liked how he communicates and that’s what I prefer, not this guy just sending short text messages here and there, not calling as he said he would and me not feeling at ease to call him.

One of the first things that other guy told me after we met was for me to feel at ease with calling him. If he couldn’t answer he would call back. This one said nothing about me calling him.

I understand that you liked the other guy's communication pattern better:  daily calls & multiple meaningful texts.  Therein lies the problem. 

Problem is IMHO your expectations are out of whack for this stage of the relationship -- 5 dates in (maybe I missed a date because I was away) but the bottom line is that during the 1st 3 months I think daily contact is bad & smothering.  It's expecting too much from somebody you are just getting to know.  1-2 dates per week, supplemented with 1-2 phone calls is about 4 points of meaningful contact in a 7 day period.  Remember you are now interacting with somebody you didn't even know approximately a month ago.  Slow down.  Pay attention to all parts of your life, not just some new guy.  When you go from 0-60 too soon it's too intense.  You need time apart at the beginning, to live your lives & gradually merge together. All at once is too much & it's rarely sustainable.  

You getting miffed because he didn't ask a question misses the whole point.  His statements about what he is doing are him including you in his vacation with his children.  He thought about you & reached out.  You could pick up the ball & respond to his statements.. . .you know have a conversation.  Instead you are getting your panties in a knot & refusing to see that the guy is trying simply because you want him to act differently.  You want him to change to suit you without giving one thought to who he is & what he wants.  On a vacation with his kids -- special precious & scare time if he doesn't have full custody -- it's rather insensitive of you to be demanding any part of that time but it's truly destructive for you to pout that you -- some woman he barely knows -- isn't winning the competition with his kids. 

@Emilyinrosesas somebody above pointed out I do think you look for problems where there are none.  Men are not perfect.  The beginning of any relationship is an adjustment, trying to learn about the other person & how you fit together.  Instead of negotiating, adjusting & being flexible, you want mind-reading.  You want the perfect romance novel guy from the outset which is not fair.  You take any perceived problem / difference & magnify it into a relationship killer.  I think you would do better to invest less early on, to dial back communication & to adopt a wait & see attitude.  

Good luck  

Edited August 10, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

I understand that you liked the other guy's communication pattern better:  daily calls & multiple meaningful texts.  Therein lies the problem. 

Problem is IMHO your expectations are out of whack for this stage of the relationship -- 5 dates in (maybe I missed a date because I was away) but the bottom line is that during the 1st 3 months I think daily contact is bad & smothering.  It's expecting too much from somebody you are just getting to know.  1-2 dates per week, supplemented with 1-2 phone calls is about 4 points of meaningful contact in a 7 day period.  Remember you are now interacting with somebody you didn't even know approximately a month ago.  Slow down.  Pay attention to all parts of your life, not just some new guy.  When you go from 0-60 too soon it's too intense.  You need time apart at the beginning, to live your lives & gradually merge together. All at once is too much & it's rarely sustainable.  

You getting miffed because he didn't ask a question misses the whole point.  His statements about what he is doing are him including you in his vacation with his children.  He thought about you & reached out.  You could pick up the ball & respond to his statements.. . .you know have a conversation.  Instead you are getting your panties in a knot & refusing to see that the guy is trying simply because you want him to act differently.  You want him to change to suit you without giving one thought to who he is & what he wants.  On a vacation with his kids -- special precious & scare time if he doesn't have full custody -- it's rather insensitive of you to be demanding any part of that time but it's truly destructive for you to pout that you -- some woman he barely knows -- isn't winning the competition with his kids. 

@Emilyinrosesas somebody above pointed out I do think you look for problems where there are none.  Men are not perfect.  The beginning of any relationship is an adjustment, trying to learn about the other person & how you fit together.  Instead of negotiating, adjusting & being flexible, you want mind-reading.  You want the perfect romance novel guy from the outset which is not fair.  You take any perceived problem / difference & magnify it into a relationship killer.  I think you would do better to invest less early on, to dial back communication & to adopt a wait & see attitude.  

Good luck  

I understand all you are saying but I cannot avoid feeling something is off here.

Yes I know he is on holidays with his kids, and that is precious. I have a son too so I get that.

But still I don’t think that making a 5 minute phone call in a 24h day (or every other day), is too much to ask, when he said he likes me and misses me.

It’s not about a competition between me and his kids (what?), is just making the low effort of picking the phone and hearing each others voices at least once or twice. Sorry I don’t think that is too much too soon or asking too much.

Having said that, I understand he might be different than me and is totally fine not talking for days. To each their own.

I feel the need to keep in touch and actually talking, and that’s who I am. Not asking for non stop texting or 1h phone calls when he is with his kids, but a quick call just to hear each other would be nice. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. 

Actually I see it the other way around, if we were in an established relationship of many months, maybe I would need less communication, but at this early stage I just feel a disconnect from him. 

Again, I understand your point and appreciate, and yes agree that him saying what he is doing is a way of including me in his life, but the truth is, I miss him a lot and is hard for me not to talk to him and not even know if I can call him or not. I don’t think this makes any sense.

So I am not sure we are compatible.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

51 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I feel the need to keep in touch and actually talking, and that’s who I am.   it’s not about a competition between me and his kids (what?), is just making the low effort of picking the phone and hearing each others voices at least once or twice.  Not asking for non stop texting or 1h phone calls when he is with his kids, but a quick call just to hear each other would be nice. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so

I am not criticizing, your needs are your needs, and you are entitled to them.  But if I may ask, why do you need this much attention (and dare I say validation) so early in, or ever?  

What is it that a quick phone call once or twice a day does for you?  How does that fulfill you?  Why are you not fulfilled on your own?  Why do you need a man to fulfill you?

I actually don't see the point quite frankly.  I am more about substance, quality versus quantity.  I would rather have a substantive conversation once or twice a week, than a quick call once or twice a day just to hear each other's voices. 

That sounds very contrived to me, going through the motions and again not criticizing but for what purpose?  Does it make you feel more special or that he cares more?

Cause I will tell you from experience, a quick phone call to hear your voice once a day doesn't reveal a damn thing.  It doesn't mean he cares any more than a more substantive call once or twice a week would mean.  It's contrived, meaning he's doing what he thinks is necessary to pull you (or keep you around for sex or whatever) but it doesn't necessarily mean he's sincere or that he even cares.

I think you are placing value on the wrong things and you are seeking validation in the wrong places.  Strive for internal validation versus external from the men you date.

Once you have achieved internal validation you won't look to a man to fulfill your purpose or need to feel special or cared for.   You will have found that within.

And you will find your needs decrease as well, you will feel much more relaxed and able to "go with the flow more" and if you find a man with whom you share a mutual connection and attraction, you will find it easier to accept what he has to offer, and not allow these minor differences in communication styles negatively effect you so much.

In fact, once you achieve internal validation, you might find those once a day phone calls just to hear your voice smothering and suffocating. 

I do!  Ugh.  It's too much for only 5 dates in.

I realize you are very set in your ways, so you may not accept what I am saying, but if you want to have successful dating experiences and relationships (versus what you have been experiencing as of late), you might wish to consider.

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

43 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I understand all you are saying but I cannot avoid feeling something is off here.

* * * * 

So I am not sure we are compatible.

And there it is in a nut shell. You are not compatible so stop forcing a square peg into a round hole. 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

And there it is in a nut shell. You are not compatible so stop forcing a square peg into a round hole. 

Unless she makes some changes internally, she will find it difficult being compatible with any man.  As I said earlier, and Emily I apologize I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's a different face, same story.

And the pattern will repeat unless and until you begin searching within, that's where most answers to most problems can be found anyway.

All the best moving forward, good luck!

 

[Emilyinroses]

37 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am not criticizing, your needs are your needs, and you are entitled to them.  But if I may ask, why do you need this much attention (and dare I say validation) so early in, or ever?  

What is it that a quick phone call once or twice a day does for you?  How does that fulfill you?  Why are you not fulfilled on your own?  Why do you need a man to fulfill you?

I actually don't see the point quite frankly.  I am more about substance, quality versus quantity.  I would rather have a substantive conversation once or twice a week, than a quick call once or twice a day just to hear each other's voices. 

That sounds very contrived to me, going through the motions and again not criticizing but for what purpose?  Does it make you feel more special or that he cares more?

Cause I will tell you from experience, a quick phone call to hear your voice once a day doesn't reveal a damn thing.  It doesn't mean he cares any more than a more substantive call once or twice a week would mean.  It's contrived, meaning he's doing what he thinks is necessary to pull you (or keep you around for sex or whatever) but it doesn't necessarily mean he's sincere or that he even cares.

I think you are placing value on the wrong things and you are seeking validation in the wrong places.  Strive for internal validation versus external from the men you date.

Once you have achieved internal validation you won't look to a man to fulfill your purpose or need to feel special or cared for.   You will have found that within.

And you will find your needs decrease as well, you will feel much more relaxed and able to "go with the flow more" and if you find a man with whom you share a mutual connection and attraction, you will find it easier to accept what he has to offer, and not allow these minor differences in communication styles negatively effect you so much.

In fact, once you achieve internal validation, you might find those once a day phone calls just to hear your voice smothering and suffocating. 

I do!  Ugh.  It's too much for only 5 dates in.

I realize you are very set in your ways, so you may not accept what I am saying, but if you want to have successful dating experiences and relationships (versus what you have been experiencing as of late), you might wish to consider.

 

I did a lot of work internally and now I am FINALLY acknowledging and validating myself and my needs.

In the past I would accept anything from a man, if he wants to give me breadcrumbs (as I feel this one is giving me now), I would feel bad but accept, because I needed that validation and attention.

Now I don’t need external validation and attention or breadcrumbs. I want proper communication on a consistent basis because THAT is important to me. And I won’t shut me off again in order to be with a man.

Now is not about external validation or attention, is about my needs in a relationship that I am finally discovering that are valid as anybody else’s and I won’t settle for less.

To you a quick call to say hi might seem contrived or mean nothing, to me it means I miss you and wanted to hear your voice, because that’s what I would do to someone I care about.

We don’t need to have a 1h deep conversation to make it meaningful, sometimes the simple gestures are the ones that say the most (or the lack of them).

I like that type of connection and I am fed up of having distant and low effort men around. 

I don’t care if it’s 5 dates or 500. This is how I feel and need and I am validating that in me.

The truth is I was genuinely missing him and missing talking to him, and wished he felt the same and called me.

I’ve had other dates with other men and I couldn’t care less if they didn’t call me or gave me validation and attention, as I wasn’t feeling it with them. I felt something different with this one.

That’s all it was.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Miss Spider]

When a guy is into you, there’s no doubt about it. You know.