Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

I mean, think if your kid woke up and saw some strange man at your window in the middle of the night or walking past his..... not trying to tell you how to parent or anything but the fact that he even asked to do that is a total red flag IMO. No normal person would even ask to drive to a woman's house in the middle of the night for a kiss, no one. Regardless of your answer yes.

Like I said, these aren't cute normal 'quarks' from a person, I would be seriously concerned by them. But that's just my opinion as a guy. This man is full of insecurity and not ready for a relationship IMO. The whole cheating thing, the crying during sex, the constant need for validation to see you, it's not going to get any better. He's always going to be doing these things not to be "cute" but because he's trying to catch you cheating. The showing up at random times are him trying to catch you in bed with someone just like his ex's (if that story is true), this guy has some deep rooted psych issues. I'd be weary.

I get what you say. It might be that he actually has some deep rooted psych issues or is just too keen. I am still getting to know him. He did mention doing therapy though.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am still getting to know him. 

Chill, chill chill and yes focus on the getting to know you process.

It's a dance at this stage where you take a step or two forward, but take a step or two back if needed until you get your pace an rhythm together.

A few dates is not the time to talk about "therapy together".  That's a huge red flag for him to mention that.

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a dance at this stage where you take a step or two forward, but take a step or two back if needed until you get your pace an rhythm together.

I love the way you described the "dance" Wiseman, perfect!   So may folks are afraid of the "step back" part, but there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all just part of the dance until you get the right pace and rhythm together, like you said. 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Ok, I'm gonna speak my mind. I think it's too soon to go away for a weekend with this man. This is the type of things we do when we're in an exclusive relationship and 2 pages ago you were talking about maybe dating other men. With all the information you've given about him I'd be worry that after that weekend together he becomes very possessive and you'll find yourself in a relationship you don't want or not ready to have. 

The crying in front of you at the thought of his past relationship cheating indicates this man is broken & fragile. He's not in the right frame of mind to participate to a healthy functional relationship. 

[Emilyinroses]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Ok, I'm gonna speak my mind. I think it's too soon to go away for a weekend with this man. This is the type of things we do when we're in an exclusive relationship and 2 pages ago you were talking about maybe dating other men. With all the information you've given about him I'd be worry that after that weekend together he becomes very possessive and you'll find yourself in a relationship you don't want or not ready to have. 

The crying in front of you at the thought of his past relationship cheating indicates this man is broken & fragile. He's not in the right frame of mind to participate to a healthy functional relationship. 

Thank you Gaeta.

Well he ended up cancelling, his holiday home is a family house and he said his brother is already there for the weekend.

Then he asked if I wanted to go to the beach instead and I said yes, but haven’t heard from him since, and this sort of things just put me off.

I agree that it might have been too soon for a weekend together away.

I was thinking more in terms of having more time to get to know him more, and to me a weekend away doesn’t mean we are now in a committed relationship, but I see how it can be seen that way, especially when is a private family home, not a hotel or anything.

He perhaps felt the same so that’s why he cancelled. I sense something is off here and I had another guy asking me out for a coffee today, so if he doesn’t get in touch to go to the beach I’ll just accept the other guy’s invite and move forward.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/4/2021 at 5:24 PM, Punterxx said:

I've used that idea, and to go on holiday together, very early on, when the only thing that was on my mind was getting that meaow meaow.

lol

Whenever I finally meet someone with whom I'd consider a LTR and I come here to post about it, I hope you will still be here to give me your thoughts about it!

[Emilyinroses]

On 8/4/2021 at 10:24 PM, Punterxx said:

Was it his idea about the sleep over? If so, this guy is so transparent.

I've used that idea, and to go on holiday together, very early on, when the only thing that was on my mind was getting that meaow meaow.

Thinking that he mentioned going away for this weekend and then cancelled it, I think he did just that, wanted to only get that meaow meaow...

Edited August 7, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[salparadise]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Thinking that he mentioned going away for this weekend and then cancelled it, I think he did just that, wanted to only get that meaow meaow...

Were you going to go on the beach holiday with him and continue trying to avoid sex?

No wonder it's so hard to find someone compatible to date. All the scheming and obfuscation is enough to drive anyone nuts. Now I can't say if this is the right guy for you, but I do know that if I'm dating someone and we start having sex, then she tries to squeeze that genie back in the bottle, my assumption would be that she's either cray-cray or doesn't have any savvy with regard to dating and how people are fundamentally. Of course he's going to want (expect) more sex after you get it started––why does anyone think that's weird? If you cut him off without explanation he's going to either walk away or become resentful over it. A man with good sense would walk.

If you're determined to slow it down even after opening the flood gates, your only chance is to say, "hey, we had sex and it was good, and I'm looking forward to more... but I'd like to go on some dates and get to know you too." Present it such that you're not pulling back, just wanting a well-rounded relationship rather than one that's based entirely on sex. I might work if he's actually interested in a relationship, and hasn't already written it off.

[Gaeta]

As he contacted you?

[Emilyinroses]

11 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Were you going to go on the beach holiday with him and continue trying to avoid sex?

No wonder it's so hard to find someone compatible to date. All the scheming and obfuscation is enough to drive anyone nuts. Now I can't say if this is the right guy for you, but I do know that if I'm dating someone and we start having sex, then she tries to squeeze that genie back in the bottle, my assumption would be that she's either cray-cray or doesn't have any savvy with regard to dating and how people are fundamentally. Of course he's going to want (expect) more sex after you get it started––why does anyone think that's weird? If you cut him off without explanation he's going to either walk away or become resentful over it. A man with good sense would walk.

If you're determined to slow it down even after opening the flood gates, your only chance is to say, "hey, we had sex and it was good, and I'm looking forward to more... but I'd like to go on some dates and get to know you too." Present it such that you're not pulling back, just wanting a well-rounded relationship rather than one that's based entirely on sex. I might work if he's actually interested in a relationship, and hasn't already written it off.

I told him exactly that. I didn’t even mention the sex, I just told him I want for us to go on more dates at day time and get to know each other more. That’s when he invited me for the weekend, as a way to spend more time together. Of course sex would happen, but we would have also time to do other things.

He cancelled it and hasn’t been available since, so I guess he doesn’t want to know me more.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

As he contacted you?

He sent me a few short messages with photos of a piece of furniture he was assembling at his house, but that was hours ago and hasn’t been in touch since.

Didn’t even mention meeting tomorrow or anything. So I guess he is communicating he’s not into me anymore, and I’m moving on.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He sent me a few short messages with photos of a piece of furniture he was assembling at his house, but that was hours ago and hasn’t been in touch since.

Didn’t even mention meeting tomorrow or anything. So I guess he is communicating he’s not into me anymore, and I’m moving on.

Then he would not have text you. Was it already agreed the beach day is tomorrow?

[Emilyinroses]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Then he would not have text you. Was it already agreed the beach day is tomorrow?

It was agreed it would be on the weekend, I asked yesterday  if we were going as he said nothing about it, and he said he has things to do and would only be able to go later on the day. He told me this after lunch time only, so I made other plans in the meantime. And he mentioned nothing about going Sunday.

Then he sent me a message later yesterday saying he misses me and doesn’t want me to think he only wants sex with me. Ok I responded so let’s do stuff together during the day and get to know each other in other ways. Now he either steps up to the plate or I’m out.

Edited August 8, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

 he misses me and doesn’t want me to think he only wants sex with me. 

Did you tell him that you think that's all he's after? Is this why he responded that way?

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

 and he said he has things to do and would only be able to go later on the day. 

But he was free to go away the entire weekend , now he's got things to do! 

[Emilyinroses]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

But he was free to go away the entire weekend , now he's got things to do! 

He is very confusing in the way he communicates. We were exchanging text messages about this today and it got to a point he asked if we can meet to talk, and he came and met me 2 hours ago in the park.

He apologised, said he doesn’t like text messages and next time he wants to meet me and get together he’ll just call me instead of sending texts. Said he doesn’t want just sex and really likes me. 

I told him ok I accept his apologies but I want to see things moving forward and seeing each other during the day. So let’s see how things go from now on, but I’ll continue talking to other men and going on dates with other men as I don’t want to only invest on him for now.

Edited August 8, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you tell him that you think that's all he's after? Is this why he responded that way?

I didn’t tell him I think that’s all he is after, but I told him that only meeting late at night makes me feel like we’re just meeting for sex and I want to have normal day time dates.

Told him his actions have to match his words in order for me to want to continue with him. So I met him and we talked today (please see my previous post) and let’s see how things go now. He is going on holidays with his kids today and we won’t see each other for a week, so will wait and see what he does after.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

but I’ll continue talking to other men and going on dates with other men as I don’t want to only invest on him for now.

Did you inform him of that?

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Did you inform him of that?

I did not, that didn’t come up in conversation neither we being exclusive or deleting the dating App. Should I have said that to him?

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I did not, that didn’t come up in conversation neither we being exclusive or deleting the dating App. Should I have said that to him?

Do you think he would continue invest himself in this if he knew? 

But l guess the right question is are you ok with him meeting and sleeping with other women?

[Gaeta]

People always suggest to multi date but when you start being intimate l think it's too late for that. It's time to decide to give it a go or to drop. 

[Emilyinroses]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

People always suggest to multi date but when you start being intimate l think it's too late for that. It's time to decide to give it a go or to drop. 

I wouldn’t like to know he is talking to and sleeping with other women, no. 

But we didn’t say we are exclusive either.

So on one hand I would like to just focus on him, on the other hand we’re so early in the beginning that I don’t know if I should only focus on him, especially after all this confusion that happened. 

Talking to other men makes me keep things in perspective. But I’ll not be intimate with other men. 

I’m confused about this now to be honest.

Edited August 8, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[introverted1]

I don't have sex without exclusivity.  I would not be happy if the man I was sleeping with was also dating other women. 

Nor would I have any interest in "back up" dates with other men while still dating one I was having sex with. Seems unfair all around.

Perhaps you can ask this guy if you two are exclusive? 

 

[Emilyinroses]

27 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I don't have sex without exclusivity.  I would not be happy if the man I was sleeping with was also dating other women. 

Nor would I have any interest in "back up" dates with other men while still dating one I was having sex with. Seems unfair all around.

Perhaps you can ask this guy if you two are exclusive? 

 

He is away on holidays away now for a week, and then we talked about being together for a weekend and going somewhere. I would like to have that talk to him on that weekend, and not now far away. 

But yes I don’t feel exactly ok talking to other men or thinking if he is talking to other women.

Edited August 8, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

After 5 dates you should know if you want to concentrate on him only. If he makes you feel confused, if you don't relate to each other when  you communicate, if you feel this is too fast, too much, it would be better to drop him and start new with someone else. I don't see the good in starting something new with someone else and tag this man along.