Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[introverted1]

9 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He was the one who asked if he could come by just to give me a kiss, not my suggestion.

Did he know ahead of time that you would not invite him in? 

[Emilyinroses]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Did he know ahead of time that you would not invite him in? 

Yes he did, that's why he suggested to give me a kiss at my window.

[introverted1]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

Yes he did, that's why he suggested to give me a kiss at my window.

Fair enough.  But why would he want to do this again?  It can possibly be seen as sweet/spontaneous as a one-time thing, but are you expecting him to make a habit of this?

In any case, I've read your update and it seems you have conveyed displeasure and/or lack of interest, so your assumption that he will pull back in response is probably accurate.

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

Fair enough.  But why would he want to do this again?  It can possibly be seen as sweet/spontaneous as a one-time thing, but are you expecting him to make a habit of this?

In any case, I've read your update and it seems you have conveyed displeasure and/or lack of interest, so your assumption that he will pull back in response is probably accurate.

I wasn't expecting him to do that every day, I guess I was feeling him a bit distant so I wasn't surprised he didn't suggest to do that again.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a huge mistake to have emotional and verbal diarrhea with someone you just met and gives you the creeps.

Zero to do with "truth" . Zero to do with "afraid to communicate". It has to do with appropriate discretion and being responsible for your own decisions without being needy, clingy and asking for approval through over-communication.

 

Personally, I'd advice her to do what she felt more comfortable doing, whether that meant communicating about it or going the silent route. Seems to me the guy will interpret either action negatively, anyway. So there will be pros and cons either way.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

. Yes he is a little weird and yes he is sex driven. But so am I lol.

 

If this is the case what is the problem, it sounds like you both are on the same page.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

If this is the case what is the problem, it sounds like you both are on the same page.

Agree.  But it's pretty standard 'round here, isnt it?

Meet someone you like and click with, create a thread, then proceed to over-think to the point you think yourself right out of something that may have been great had you simply relaxed and enjoyed versus stressing, dissecting and over-thinking everything.

Good luck though Emily, hope it works out.

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Agree.  But it's pretty standard 'round here, isnt it?

Meet someone you like and click with, create a thread, then proceed to over-think to the point you think yourself right out of something that may have been great had you simply relaxed and enjoyed versus stressing, dissecting and over-thinking everything.

Good luck though Emily, hope it works out.

I think that if people come here to do threads instead of just enjoying it, is because they feel something is not quite right!?

Like this guy now saying he has been busy and tired the past few days, that’s why he communicated less than before. It just feels like he didn’t feel like it and those are excuses.

Hard to relax and enjoy it when I see that. Just makes me want to keep talking to other men who are more available...

Edited August 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Just makes me want to keep talking to other men who are more available...

This isn't a bad idea.

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This isn't a bad idea.

Yes a lot of people recommend that we do have a rotation of people we talk to and go on dates until we decide to be exclusive with someone. I’m just doing that. It helps keeping things in perspective and takes the pressure out of dating.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

So yes, he seems to be a little weird but who isn't! 

I think you are expecting too much too early. You're putting the breaks on because you feel he may not be interested in a relationship but just sex. Of course after 5 dates it's too early to consider each other in a full blast relationship, you're in the get-to-know phase. Let it unfold. 

When sex is introduced in dating **of course** a lot of time will be devoted to it, it's normal. Sex isn't just sex, it's also an act that will strengthen  your bond. I think if you really liked this man you wouldn't be able to stop the sex. I have been dating someone new and since sex has been introduced we cannot wait to get our hands on each other. Of course I'd go on any date with him that doesn't include sex but it would be torture. Stopping the sex will only make him feel rejected and unwanted. If you enjoy the sex just enjoy it. 

How old is your son? Once your son is sound asleep what would be the issue with letting a boyfriend in for a couple of hours to chat or watch a movie together?

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I think that if people come here to do threads instead of just enjoying it, is because they feel something is not quite right!?

Like this guy now saying he has been busy and tired the past few days, that’s why he communicated less than before. It just feels like he didn’t feel like it and those are excuses.

Hard to relax and enjoy it when I see that. Just makes me want to keep talking to other men who are more available...

Emily, I have posted this to you before on another thread, but you really need to learn to be flexible and adapt to changing nuances.  You simply cannot expect a man to behave the same exact way 24/7, it's impossible.  People get tired, they may have a family issue, who the hell knows.

It's important to understand this and NOT take everything so personally.   They're not necessarily "excuses," he is living his life and being "real."  Which includes being tired sometimes and not always in an upbeat mood and wanting to talk or text.

I agree with Gaeta about the sex.   What she just described is what my experience is and has been as well.   We cannot keep our hands off each other while in each other's presence!   It's called being highly attracted to each other and IF you are not, which it doesn't seem like you are otherwise you would not be analyzing and dissecting this to the nth degree like you're doing, then stop dating him.

Period, end of.  It really is that simple.

 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I think that if people come here to do threads instead of just enjoying it, is because they feel something is not quite right!?

This is why you should date more than one guy so you don't fall so quickly for one and expect too much too soon.

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is why you should date more than one guy so you don't fall so quickly for one and expect too much too soon.

Agree although some people are able to date "one at a time" but still keep things in proper perspective and NOT expect too much too soon.  I am one of those people, but if Emily you are not, then stillafool's advice applies.

To add, what you deem "not right" could very well be your own anxieties and insecurities propelling you into this "it's not right" mindset.

As I said overthinking everything to the point you overthink yourself right out of developing a relationship.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's a pretty much a repeat of your pasts threads.

Different face, same story.

I'm sorry.

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So yes, he seems to be a little weird but who isn't! 

I think you are expecting too much too early. You're putting the breaks on because you feel he may not be interested in a relationship but just sex. Of course after 5 dates it's too early to consider each other in a full blast relationship, you're in the get-to-know phase. Let it unfold. 

When sex is introduced in dating **of course** a lot of time will be devoted to it, it's normal. Sex isn't just sex, it's also an act that will strengthen  your bond. I think if you really liked this man you wouldn't be able to stop the sex. I have been dating someone new and since sex has been introduced we cannot wait to get our hands on each other. Of course I'd go on any date with him that doesn't include sex but it would be torture. Stopping the sex will only make him feel rejected and unwanted. If you enjoy the sex just enjoy it. 

How old is your son? Once your son is sound asleep what would be the issue with letting a boyfriend in for a couple of hours to chat or watch a movie together?

Yes you are right thank you, we are highly attracted and I wouldn’t want to hold back on the sex now. I’ll try to relax and let it unfold.

Edited August 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Emily, I have posted this to you before on another thread, but you really need to learn to be flexible and adapt to changing nuances.  You simply cannot expect a man to behave the same exact way 24/7, it's impossible.  People get tired, they may have a family issue, who the hell knows.

It's important to understand this and NOT take everything so personally.   They're not necessarily "excuses," he is living his life and being "real."  Which includes being tired sometimes and not always in an upbeat mood and wanting to talk or text.

I agree with Gaeta about the sex.   What she just described is what my experience is and has been as well.   We cannot keep our hands off each other while in each other's presence!   It's called being highly attracted to each other and IF you are not, which it doesn't seem like you are otherwise you would not be analyzing and dissecting this to the nth degree like you're doing, then stop dating him.

Period, end of.  It really is that simple.

 

 

We are highly attracted. He just stayed at mine overnight and of course we wouldn’t be able to hold back the sex. Not that I tried to. lol

He invited me to spend the weekend at his holiday house and seems like a genuine nice man, so I’ll try to change my past patterns and just relax, enjoy it and let it unfold naturally. Thank you!

Edited August 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Agree although some people are able to date "one at a time" but still keep things in proper perspective and NOT expect too much too soon.  I am one of those people, but if Emily you are not, then stillafool's advice applies.

To add, what you deem "not right" could very well be your own anxieties and insecurities propelling you into this "it's not right" mindset.

As I said overthinking everything to the point you overthink yourself right out of developing a relationship.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's a pretty much a repeat of your pasts threads.

Different face, same story.

I'm sorry.

 

You are right, is very much my anxiety and insecurities as he seems a really nice man.

I’ll try to stop my past patterns and overthinking and just enjoy it. Thank you.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

We are highly attracted. He just stayed at mine overnight and of course we wouldn’t be able to hold back the sex. Not that I tried to. lol

He invited me to spend the weekend at his holiday house and seems like a genuine nice man, so I’ll try to change my past patterns and just relax, enjoy it and let it unfold naturally. Thank 

Are you ok with going away with him a weekend? 

[introverted1]

19 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I think that if people come here to do threads instead of just enjoying it, is because they feel something is not quite right!?

Yes, they post because they feel something is not quite right. But it is usually the same posters posting the same types of threads over and over.  So either they are picking the wrong guys consistently or they are letting their own anxieties and issues cloud the landscape.

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

To add, what you deem "not right" could very well be your own anxieties and insecurities propelling you into this "it's not right" mindset.

Exactly.  And once a person starts acting on those insecurities, no matter how subtle they think they are being, the other person feels it.  So the man starts to pull away in response to the vibe he is getting as a result of those insecurities and, in short order, it's easy to have created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Are you ok with going away with him a weekend? 

Yes I am ok with that, why?

Edited August 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I am ok with that, why?

Just making sure you're doing what you're comfortable doing and not doing it with anxiety and doubts. 

[cleverusername]

You need to set boundaries with this man, period. If you want to pursue it, that's fine. But the showing up at your window in the middle of the night for a kiss and ringing your doorbell minutes after you leave and go inside aren't cute little "quarks" that people here alluded to, they are major boundary issues that need to be addressed. Especially since you have a child. The sooner you address those, the better.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Just making sure you're doing what you're comfortable doing and not doing it with anxiety and doubts. 

He invited me and I felt like saying yes, no anxiety or doubts.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

You need to set boundaries with this man, period. If you want to pursue it, that's fine. But the showing up at your window in the middle of the night for a kiss and ringing your doorbell minutes after you leave and go inside aren't cute little "quarks" that people here alluded to, they are major boundary issues that need to be addressed. Especially since you have a child. The sooner you address those, the better.

Well he didn’t just show up at my window in the middle of the night, he asked if he could come to give me a kiss after dinner, and since my son was at home he said he would go at the window.

The ringing the doorbell minutes after I leave yes agree that was crossing a boundary, but I didn’t let him in that time and he understood it.

He didn’t cross any more boundaries so far so let’s see.

Edited August 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[cleverusername]

26 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well he didn’t just show up at my window in the middle of the night, he asked if he could come to give me a kiss after dinner, and since my son was at home he said he would go at the window.

The ringing the doorbell minutes after I leave yes agree that was crossing a boundary, but I didn’t let him in that time and he understood it.

He didn’t cross any more boundaries so far so let’s see.

I mean, think if your kid woke up and saw some strange man at your window in the middle of the night or walking past his..... not trying to tell you how to parent or anything but the fact that he even asked to do that is a total red flag IMO. No normal person would even ask to drive to a woman's house in the middle of the night for a kiss, no one. Regardless of your answer yes.

Like I said, these aren't cute normal 'quarks' from a person, I would be seriously concerned by them. But that's just my opinion as a guy. This man is full of insecurity and not ready for a relationship IMO. The whole cheating thing, the crying during sex, the constant need for validation to see you, it's not going to get any better. He's always going to be doing these things not to be "cute" but because he's trying to catch you cheating. The showing up at random times are him trying to catch you in bed with someone just like his ex's (if that story is true), this guy has some deep rooted psych issues. I'd be weary.

Edited August 6, 2021 by cleverusername