Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

 

If your intentions are to take it slow don't go over to his place or invite him over for dinner so soon.  That puts you in an environment to have sex.  Go out and do fun things.  When you invited him over for dinner he knew you then wanted sex and I agree. So not he's not going to put thag Genie back in the bottle.

But just because we had sex once doesn’t mean now we need to have sex all the time.

[stillafool]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

But just because we had sex once doesn’t mean now we need to have sex all the time.

Good, then tell HIM  that.

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, stillafool said:

Then tell him the truth.  Why is everyone afraid to communicate these days?

But that’s what i want to do. Some in here were telling me not to say anything and just change the plans, but I prefer to just communicate and say how I feel.

[spiderowl]

50 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Ok now I am scared I didn’t think about it that way!

He shared with me that his two last exes cheated on him and he caught them in bed with another man. 

He said the last one happened 2 years ago and he had to do therapy to overcome it, and that for a long time he hated women because of that, but that now he is ok. I wonder if that is still true, and that explains the manipulation and dominance you mentioned.

Oh wow, that sob story!  Two women cheated on him and he caught them out inflagrante?  Where exactly did he catch them in bed?  In his own bed, in their beds, in a friend's house?  Seems decidedly fishy to me.  Either he was very unlucky or he is spinning you a line - look what happened to me, feel sorry for me.

Hating women is another red flag, even if he had cause to feel that way at some point.

At first my feeling was that this guy was very keen, but a bit crazy to come and kiss you at night.  He did ask and you agreed so although it seemed a bit overenthusiastic, I did not find it creepy.  Looking at the above, though, I do think you should be wary of this guy.  What do you really know about him and his background that he has not just told you himself?  Presumably you are not at the stage where you have met any of his friends, family or colleagues, so you only have what he says to go on.  Believe me, from my own experience, this is not enough.  Go carefully until you know more about this guy.

You have a child and you seem to live on the ground floor.  You need to keep yourself safe.  Be sure about who you are dating.

Edited August 4, 2021 by spiderowl

[d0nnivain]

30 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

But that’s what i want to do. Some in here were telling me not to say anything and just change the plans, but I prefer to just communicate and say how I feel.

That is going to blow up in your face.  No matter what words you use, all he is going to hear is that you are calling him some kind of sex fiend who is using you.  

You said yes to a sleep over & now you are changing your mind.  You are allowed to change your mind but when you back away from this,  the consequence will be that he will view you as game playing & someone who doesn't know her own mind.  First it was yes.  Now it's no.  He will perceive your change of heart as you looking for some kind of sexless relationship.  

I understand that is not what you are saying or trying to communicate but I can almost promise you it will cause him to have second thoughts about continuing to date you.  I don't think you need to have sex to keep a relationship but this isn't good.  If you initially said no to the sleep over,  that would be fine but this change of heart thing will come across negatively.  

Your life.  Your body.  Your choice.  Just understand the possible ramifications.  Since you seem to like him, I hope I'm wrong & he accepts your slow down plan at face value but it's a risk.  

[Emilyinroses]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

That is going to blow up in your face.  No matter what words you use, all he is going to hear is that you are calling him some kind of sex fiend who is using you.  

You said yes to a sleep over & now you are changing your mind.  You are allowed to change your mind but when you back away from this,  the consequence will be that he will view you as game playing & someone who doesn't know her own mind.  First it was yes.  Now it's no.  He will perceive your change of heart as you looking for some kind of sexless relationship.  

I understand that is not what you are saying or trying to communicate but I can almost promise you it will cause him to have second thoughts about continuing to date you.  I don't think you need to have sex to keep a relationship but this isn't good.  If you initially said no to the sleep over,  that would be fine but this change of heart thing will come across negatively.  

Your life.  Your body.  Your choice.  Just understand the possible ramifications.  Since you seem to like him, I hope I'm wrong & he accepts your slow down plan at face value but it's a risk.  

Yes I understand that. If it was the other way around I would be having second thoughts too.

[Emilyinroses]

20 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Oh wow, that sob story!  Two women cheated on him and he caught them out inflagrante?  Where exactly did he catch them in bed?  In his own bed, in their beds, in a friend's house?  Seems decidedly fishy to me.  Either he was very unlucky or he is spinning you a line - look what happened to me, feel sorry for me.

Hating women is another red flag, even if he had cause to feel that way at some point.

At first my feeling was that this guy was very keen, but a bit crazy to come and kiss you at night.  He did ask and you agreed so although it seemed a bit overenthusiastic, I did not find it creepy.  Looking at the above, though, I do think you should be wary of this guy.  What do you really know about him and his background that he has not just told you himself?  Presumably you are not at the stage where you have met any of his friends, family or colleagues, so you only have what he says to go on.  Believe me, from my own experience, this is not enough.  Go carefully until you know more about this guy.

You have a child and you seem to live on the ground floor.  You need to keep yourself safe.  Be sure about who you are dating.

I haven’t met any of his people, he only showed me photos of his two daughters, told me where he works and also I saw his home. That’s all. 

Yes we live in a ground floor next to a police station, so I’m safe in that regard. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He shared with me that his two last exes cheated on him and he caught them in bed with another man. 

He said the last one happened 2 years ago and he had to do therapy to overcome it, and that for a long time he hated women because of that, but that now he is ok. I wonder if that is still true, and that explains the manipulation and dominance you mentioned.

That had to be traumatic for him.

It's a good thing he went to therapy for that, and I hope he's in a much better place now.

This is hard, and I completely get where you're coming from. On the other hand, if there is even a small potential that he still is working through past issues as a result of the previous cheating, your withdrawal now will lead him to believe there is something wrong with him. Even if he had never been cheated on, he would surely believe that.

However, if you withdraw now, it will be aggravated by the fact that he has.

Obviously, you must first put yourself at ease.

And, you may just have to let the chips fall where they may and communicate your concerns sooner rather than later.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[Emilyinroses]

8 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Oh wow, that sob story!  Two women cheated on him and he caught them out inflagrante?  Where exactly did he catch them in bed?  In his own bed, in their beds, in a friend's house?  Seems decidedly fishy to me.  Either he was very unlucky or he is spinning you a line - look what happened to me, feel sorry for me.

Hating women is another red flag, even if he had cause to feel that way at some point.

At first my feeling was that this guy was very keen, but a bit crazy to come and kiss you at night.  He did ask and you agreed so although it seemed a bit overenthusiastic, I did not find it creepy.  Looking at the above, though, I do think you should be wary of this guy.  What do you really know about him and his background that he has not just told you himself?  Presumably you are not at the stage where you have met any of his friends, family or colleagues, so you only have what he says to go on.  Believe me, from my own experience, this is not enough.  Go carefully until you know more about this guy.

You have a child and you seem to live on the ground floor.  You need to keep yourself safe.  Be sure about who you are dating.

I don’t know about the sob story. What I know is that he had tears in his eyes after we had sex and ended up opening up about being the first time he was having sex and being with someone after being cheated on 2 years ago. That seemed genuine at the time, and he would need to be a master of manipulation to do that. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

.Some in here were telling me not to say anything and just change the plans, but I prefer to just communicate and say how I feel.

Just pump the brakes. Be the driver of your own vehicle (life), not a backseat driver who has to "discuss"  what your decisions are.

The biggest mistake people make is talking at others about choices and decisions they really need to make for themselves.

If this guy has red flags or gives you the creeps it's your job to step back, observe and take control. 

This is a time to reinforce boundaries not talk about feelings. That's for when you trust someone more, not for someone you're becoming more leary of.

[Miss Spider]

Just tell him you wanna do x thing instead that night and go do that. You don’t need to make a big speech about how you don’t want to have sex again before he even tries. Sounds awkward 

[Miss Spider]

Oh wow after reading this again more thoroughly I think this guy might be weirder than one of the guys I’m dating. He wanted to come to your window for a kiss and you went on a walk and he was out there?!?! He got cheated on by TWO women?! And starts crying after sex?! Yea I dunno maybe it’s just weird guy summer . Guess this is normal now 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Then tell him the truth.  Why is everyone afraid to communicate these days?

She wants to tell him the truth. It's other folks who are telling her not to, and she's responding to them.

[Dis]

I don't know why this is needs to be perceived as doom and gloom 

 

Does he sound a little weird? Maybe. Does he sound sex driven? Maybe. 

 

But I just don't know why any of this is over the top alarming. I don't think it is. Emily, if you want to go on more non-home dates tell him that. See how he responds and go from there. I can see already your anxiety is running the show just like it did a couple threads ago. Breathe. Have fun. Enjoy things. Nothing is wrong. And if it doesn't pan out down the line, then you simply move on. 

 

Check. Your. Anxiety. Anddd. Have. Fun.  

 

Xoxo 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Dis

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

She wants to tell him the truth. 

It's a huge mistake to have emotional and verbal diarrhea with someone you just met and gives you the creeps.

Zero to do with "truth" . Zero to do with "afraid to communicate". It has to do with appropriate discretion and being responsible for your own decisions without being needy, clingy and asking for approval through over-communication.

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

He wanted to come to your window for a kiss and you went on a walk and he was out there?!?! He got cheated on by TWO women?! And starts crying after sex?! Yea I dunno maybe it’s just weird guy summer . Guess this is normal now 

Yes.

If he's got hangups it's probably better to know sooner rather than later as opposed to coasting along.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh wow after reading this again more thoroughly I think this guy might be weirder than one of the guys I’m dating. He wanted to come to your window for a kiss and you went on a walk and he was out there?!?! He got cheated on by TWO women?! And starts crying after sex?! Yea I dunno maybe it’s just weird guy summer . Guess this is normal now 

He didn't just appear "out there" when I went outside for a walk. He asked me if he could come and give me a quick kiss, and since he couldn't come inside because I'm with my son he mentioned to come to my window for a kiss. I then told him I'll go and meet him outside for a few minutes as I needed to walk my dog anyway.

[Emilyinroses]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a huge mistake to have emotional and verbal diarrhea with someone you just met and gives you the creeps.

Zero to do with "truth" . Zero to do with "afraid to communicate". It has to do with appropriate discretion and being responsible for your own decisions without being needy, clingy and asking for approval through over-communication.

 

Well if it was the other way around, if me and a guy agreed to spend the next time together at night and suddenly he says for us not to do that and do something else instead, I would ask him what happened and why he doesn't want to do the previous plan. Simple. So I'm sure if I change plans he will be asking the same thing.

It's not about asking for approval, it's about being honest. And it doesn't need to have "emotional and verbal diarrhea", it can be as simple as saying I feel I want to slow down things to make this work. That simple.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Dis said:

I don't know why this is needs to be perceived as doom and gloom 

 

Does he sound a little weird? Maybe. Does he sound sex driven? Maybe. 

 

But I just don't know why any of this is over the top alarming. I don't think it is. Emily, if you want to go on more non-home dates tell him that. See how he responds and go from there. I can see already your anxiety is running the show just like it did a couple threads ago. Breathe. Have fun. Enjoy things. Nothing is wrong. And if it doesn't pan out down the line, then you simply move on. 

 

Check. Your. Anxiety. Anddd. Have. Fun.  

 

Xoxo 

Yes you are right, my anxiety is taking over. I went for a walk yesterday and feel more centered now. Yes he is a little weird and yes he is sex driven. But so am I lol.

 

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He didn't just appear "out there" when I went outside for a walk. He asked me if he could come and give me a quick kiss, and since he couldn't come inside because I'm with my son he mentioned to come to my window for a kiss. I then told him I'll go and meet him outside for a few minutes as I needed to walk my dog anyway.

Yea cuz that makes everything so much better lol

 

7 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well if it was the other way around, if me and a guy agreed to spend the next time together at night and suddenly he says for us not to do that and do something else instead, I would ask him what happened and why he doesn't want to do the previous plan. Simple. So I'm sure if I change plans he will be asking the same thing.

It's not about asking for approval, it's about being honest.

Honesty does not mean saying everything inside of your head. Man, if I was that definition of “honest“ to everyone that I go on a date with I would probably never get a second date. Some things you keep your own counsel about. Like an assumption he’s using you for sex, belief in using sex as a bartering chip,  and also  display of weakish boundaries since you flip/flop once you did it. I don’t think it will put you in a very good light regardless of his intentions. Like you said, imagine a guy did that . But yea, you gonna do you,  you don’t care about approval; but whatever you decide I hope it works out. 

 

“I am not sure if he really wants a relationship, and maybe I should tell him I feel we went too fast, and hold off on the sex part and just do other stuff to get to know each other? He probably won't be happy but that would tell me about his intentions!? Thank you for your help”

[Emilyinroses]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea cuz that makes everything so much better lol

 

Honesty does not mean saying everything inside of your head. Man, if I was that definition of “honest“ to everyone that I go on a date with I would probably never get a second date. Some things you keep your own counsel about. Like an assumption he’s using you for sex, belief in using sex as a bartering chip,  and also  display of weakish boundaries since you flip/flop once you did it. I don’t think it will put you in a very good light regardless of his intentions. Like you said, imagine a guy did that . But yea, you gonna do you,  you don’t care about approval; but whatever you decide I hope it works out. 

 

“I am not sure if he really wants a relationship, and maybe I should tell him I feel we went too fast, and hold off on the sex part and just do other stuff to get to know each other? He probably won't be happy but that would tell me about his intentions!? Thank you for your help”

I get that. I’m going to meet him today in the afternoon and see how I feel.

[Emilyinroses]

Ok so I have been feeling he has been a bit distant the last couple of days, and he just told me he has to work this afternoon and can only meet up later at night.

I told him I feel he has been a bit distant and he said sorry that he knows he has been distant but is because of work and he has been tired... funny how he was available and not tired before the sex...

I told him I am busy with work too and tired and if I get distant we don’t communicate. He said yes you are right and that he is sorry.

I took the chance and told him I prefer to meet tomorrow or Saturday during the day and go do something somewhere. So this helped in that instance. He said yes but I have a feeling he will start to fade away now.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I don't think it's too late. Just because we had sex one time doesn't necessarily mean that now I have to keep having sex with him! I am allowed to feel it was too fast and want to put on the brakes, right?

Of course you can stop having sex. But many people will see this as game-playing. 

15 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

So I was waiting to see if today he would want to come here again knowing it would just be outside, and he didn’t even mention it.

So you want him to come by for the sole purpose of a sneaked kiss while you walk your dog? 

If you can't see him because you don't want to introduce him to your child (reasonable), then schedule your dates for when you are free to be together.  I can't imagine many men want to travel to a woman's house just to have a quick chat and kiss at her doorstep.

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Of course you can stop having sex. But many people will see this as game-playing. 

So you want him to come by for the sole purpose of a sneaked kiss while you walk your dog? 

If you can't see him because you don't want to introduce him to your child (reasonable), then schedule your dates for when you are free to be together.  I can't imagine many men want to travel to a woman's house just to have a quick chat and kiss at her doorstep.

He was the one who asked if he could come by just to give me a kiss, not my suggestion.