Should I tell him I want to take a step back?

[Emilyinroses]

I met this guy online, we had 4 dates and we did get along really well.

At the end of the 4th date he took me home in his car after we had dinner at his place, and he kissed me for the first time. Things got a bit steamy in his car, but I told him for us to take it easy and I went home. After a few minutes he rang my door bell, we kissed a bit more and then he went home. I think he probably was expecting I would let him in at that time.

So next day he asked me if I wanted to get together and I told him we can have dinner at mine. So basically we ended up having sex after a while. It was great and I enjoyed it. He said to me he is not looking for anything casual, he likes me and really wants to try get to know each other for something long-term. I told him I want the same.

So after that I couldn't be with him again because I had my son at my house with me. Yesterday he said he misses me a lot and asked me if he could come and give me a kiss through my bedroom window after my son is asleep and I said ok. I ended up going outside to walk my dog and we met outside for a few minutes. I don't know if his ideia was to perhaps climb my window and end up in my bedroom!?

Anyway, we talked about meeting this Friday and even spend the night together at his house. But today we exchanged text messages during the day, he said again he misses me but today didn't mention anything about coming here again for a kiss, maybe because I ruined his ideia yesterday!?

I'm now feeling things are revolving around having sex, although he mentioned again he wants something serious and even asked me to go on holidays with him next month. 

I am not sure if he really wants a relationship, and maybe I should tell him I feel we went too fast, and hold off on the sex part and just do other stuff to get to know each other? He probably won't be happy but that would tell me about his intentions!? Thank you for your help!

Edited August 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[smackie9]

Well it's kinda too late for that now that the horse has left the gate. You can try and see. But hey if he ghosts on ya that will answer all your questions.

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Well it's kinda too late for that now that the horse has left the gate. You can try and see. But hey if he ghosts on ya that will answer all your questions.

I don't think it's too late. Just because we had sex one time doesn't necessarily mean that now I have to keep having sex with him! I am allowed to feel it was too fast and want to put on the brakes, right?

Also, now we know we have sexual chemistry, so we can focus on getting to know each other and do other things?

[Sun Seeker]

Telling you he is looking for something serious is the oldest trick in the book to get into your knickers. As a man I can tell you, do not believe anything we say! Look at our actions over our words.

His actions so far do point in revolving around sex, but you seemed to go along with it.

If you do want to slow down and get to know each other more first then yea just tell him. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.

[Emilyinroses]

10 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Telling you he is looking for something serious is the oldest trick in the book to get into your knickers. As a man I can tell you, do not believe anything we say! Look at our actions over our words.

His actions so far do point in revolving around sex, but you seemed to go along with it.

If you do want to slow down and get to know each other more first then yea just tell him. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.

He told me that after the sex, so I don’t know. 

I did get along with it because I was caught up in the moment the other night, but now after thinking about it I feel it was too fast too soon and I don’t want to keep having sex with him when I feel this way.

If there are men who don’t mind to wait to have sex for the first time, surely a man can also wait to have sex again after the first time?

After all there’s no book of rules that say that after two people have sex one time, they have to keep doing it!?

Anyway I felt that when he wanted to come here for the ‘kiss at my window’ he wanted to enter into my bedroom and I avoided that by going outside with my dog.

So I was waiting to see if today he would want to come here again knowing it would just be outside, and he didn’t even mention it.

So yes everything is revolving around sex and I am going to tell him that I want to take a step back and see how he reacts.

Edited August 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Amanda92]

I don't see any problem to be honest. It's normal that people who date want to have sex. He waited 5 dates and he misses you. It doesn't look bad.

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, Amanda92 said:

I don't see any problem to be honest. It's normal that people who date want to have sex. He waited 5 dates and he misses you. It doesn't look bad.

It just feels everything revolves around sex. Yesterday he was keen to come here but today as he knows there’s no possibility for sex, he didn’t even mention it...

[glows]

The kiss through the window idea is not great. I wouldn't appreciate it. Come through the door like a normal person why don't you. He could also show a little restraint and keep the mystery and romance alive while you both get to know one another, slowly letting the romance build. Meaningful and consistent dates every few days, maybe twice a week, would have been nice. 

If your instincts are telling you things aren't what they should be, please listen to them. 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

It just feels everything revolves around sex. Yesterday he was keen to come here but today as he knows there’s no possibility for sex, he didn’t even mention it...

Bolded, that's very telling, and unfortunately not in a good way I'm afraid.  I could be wrong, I hope I am!

Before I read that, my thoughts were he is simply VERY attracted to you and when men are attracted, they want sex!

This has been standard for me in all my relationships.  We both craved each other sexually, couldn't get enough of each other in those very early stages, there is nothing wrong with that imo.

However, the difference is that when there was no possibility for sex that day, they STILL wanted to see me.

I absolutely agree with Punterxx, men will "say" just about anything in order to get sex, so instead of talking to him about it, why not suggest more activities outside the house, and gauge his response?

If he's open to spending time without the possibility of sex, you will have your answer, no need to "say" one word about it imho.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

 

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, that's very telling, and unfortunately not in a good way I'm afraid.  I could be wrong, I hope I am!

Before I read that, my thoughts were he is simply VERY attracted to you and when men are attracted, they want sex!

This has been standard for me in all my relationships.  We both craved each other sexually, couldn't get enough of each other in those very early stages, there is nothing wrong with that imo.

However, the difference is that when there was no possibility for sex that day, they STILL wanted to see me.

I absolutely agree with Punterxx, men will "say" just about anything in order to get sex, so instead of talking to him about it, why not suggest more activities outside the house, and gauge his response?

If he's open to spending time without the possibility of sex, you will have your answer, no need to "say" one word about it imho.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

 

 

I agree, nothing wrong with being attracted and wanting to have sex.

He wouldn’t come through the door because my son was asleep and would be noisy. 

But today there was again no possibility for sex and he made no mention to come here just to see each other outside like yesterday.

I am going to ask him ‘didn’t you want to come here tonight for a kiss? I miss you’, and see his response. And yes, also suggest outdoor activities. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Ami1uwant]

54 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Telling you he is looking for something serious is the oldest trick in the book to get into your knickers. As a man I can tell you, do not believe anything we say! Look at our actions over our words.

His actions so far do point in revolving around sex, but you seemed to go along with it.

If you do want to slow down and get to know each other more first then yea just tell him. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.

What are knickers

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

What are knickers

Panties! They are called knickers in the UK

[Wiseman2]

At 4 dates, all you have to do is cool down a bit with your actions. Having a define the relationship talk when your not in a relationship makes no sense.

Direct this where you want it to go and simply discipline and pace yourself...without lecturing him to slow down.

 Even if it's convenient to work around your custody schedule, skip all the inhouse dates.

[cleverusername]

This guy is weird and creepy. I would not ring a womans doorbell after kissing her and she went inside.... I would not drive to some womans house in the middle of the night to kiss her through the window.... huge red flags and a safety issue IMO.

End it. This is coming from a guy.

[glows]

Look at his actions. It sounds like the interest is waning a bit on his part. It just might peter out on its own without you doing a thing except sticking to what you feel comfortable with.

[Miss Spider]

I don’t think “taking a step back” ever goes well and would kind of ruin the momentum of a rship and brings up all kinds of questions. If the relationship seems like it “revolves around sex” it might be because that’s mostly what he wants. Dating entails other things, other bonding activities and deeper communication etc and maybe do stuff that involves more  of tat 

[Emilyinroses]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

At 4 dates, all you have to do is cool down a bit with your actions. Having a define the relationship talk when your not in a relationship makes no sense.

Direct this where you want it to go and simply discipline and pace yourself...without lecturing him to slow down.

 Even if it's convenient to work around your custody schedule, skip all the inhouse dates.

The thing is, we talked about having a sleep over at his house next time we are together, so if I want to have outdoor dates now, I’ll have to be honest about how I feel.

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

This guy is weird and creepy. I would not ring a womans doorbell after kissing her and she went inside.... I would not drive to some womans house in the middle of the night to kiss her through the window.... huge red flags and a safety issue IMO.

End it. This is coming from a guy.

Yes I feel is weird and a bit too much.

I understand if a man is really interested, but this is starting to cross some boundaries.

[Sun Seeker]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

The thing is, we talked about having a sleep over at his house next time we are together, so if I want to have outdoor dates now, I’ll have to be honest about how I feel.

Was it his idea about the sleep over? If so, this guy is so transparent.

I've used that idea, and to go on holiday together, very early on, when the only thing that was on my mind was getting that meaow meaow.

[cleverusername]

9 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

The thing is, we talked about having a sleep over at his house next time we are together, so if I want to have outdoor dates now, I’ll have to be honest about how I feel.

So? Your boundaries are yours and only for you to decide. If he can't respect your boundaries now he never will..... actually I would argue he doesn't at all considering he showed up at your house in the middle of the night and rang your doorbell after you went inside both of which are normal human boundaries across genders and relationships. These are boundaries you should not even be in a position to have to explain and he should know better than to even try and push them... Seriously, end it. I can see this from a mile away things will only get worse from here. This is way beyond him "wanting sex" this is an issue of manipulation, dominance, and power. It doesn't matter how you do it or what you say, lie to him if you want, but get this person away from you ASAP. 

7 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I feel is weird and a bit too much.

I understand if a man is really interested, but this is starting to cross some boundaries.

I rest my case.

Edited August 4, 2021 by cleverusername

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

So? Your boundaries are yours and only for you to decide. If he can't respect your boundaries now he never will..... actually I would argue he doesn't at all considering he showed up at your house in the middle of the night and rang your doorbell both of which are normal human boundaries across genders and relationships. These are boundaries you should not even be in a position to have to explain and he should know better than to even try and push them... Seriously, end it. I can see this from a mile away things will only get worse from here. This is way beyond him "wanting sex" this is an issue of manipulation, dominance, and power. It doesn't matter how you do it or what you say, lie to him if you want, but get this person away from you ASAP.

I rest my case.

Ok now I am scared I didn’t think about it that way!

He shared with me that his two last exes cheated on him and he caught them in bed with another man. 

He said the last one happened 2 years ago and he had to do therapy to overcome it, and that for a long time he hated women because of that, but that now he is ok. I wonder if that is still true, and that explains the manipulation and dominance you mentioned.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

now, I’ll have to be honest about how I feel.

Why? Just don't stay over/have sex. Change the plan.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

At the end of the 4th date he took me home in his car after we had dinner at his place, and he kissed me for the first time.

 

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

So next day he asked me if I wanted to get together and I told him we can have dinner at mine. So basically we ended up having sex after a while

If your intentions are to take it slow don't go over to his place or invite him over for dinner so soon.  That puts you in an environment to have sex.  Go out and do fun things.  When you invited him over for dinner he knew you then wanted sex and I agree. So now he's not going to put that Genie back in the bottle.

Edited August 4, 2021 by stillafool

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why? Just don't stay over/have sex. Change the plan.

Because he’ll ask me why I don’t want to stay over like we talked before.

[stillafool]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

Because he’ll ask me why I don’t want to stay over like we talked before.

Then tell him the truth.  Why is everyone afraid to communicate these days?