Another ap? what do I do?

[inamess8]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Let’s say an individual has abused drugs, gone to treatment, and is now drug free. BUT, you discover that they have the contact information of their former drug deal secretly hidden under another name on their phone. What does that say to you about the individual’s commitment to sobriety?

yes totally resonate with this. it shows that individual isn't committed 

[inamess8]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Keeping the contact info constitutes a certain level of risk - e.g. if there were a Dday, your partner could confirm that you did indeed have their contact info.

Given that, the only real reason to keep the contact info would be in case you felt there was some reason to contact them again.

If they have NOTHING to do with your life except as AP, then there would be no other possible reason than "for possible future reference" i.e. reconnecting with them in hopes of restarting the affair or possibly simply "checking in on them" as a friend. Just friendship/touch base probably isn't worth that risk, so one would conclude potential for restarting the affair one day.

If they are involved in your life for some other reason (e.g. you work with them or they are some other social contact) then there could in theory be legitimate reasons to keep their contact info.

thank you. this is how I am currently feeling you have made perfect sense of it all. if I wanted to work on my marriage, the number would be deleted and if I wanted a new ap, the old ap number would also be deleted. basically in any situation - the number would be deleted as there would be no reason to keep it other than to resume the affair..does this make sense to you?

yes having the number in my phone is a huge risk.

[introverted1]

 

1 hour ago, inamess8 said:

I'm asking what other people would do.

Not have an AP in the first place.  This is clearly the best option.

Next best would be to break ties with the AP, come clean with your spouse, and enter MC (if reconciliation is a possibility) and IC (either way).

[heartwhole2]

Now, obviously, this is 2021. If you want to get in touch with someone, especially someone active on social media, it's pretty easy to do so whether you keep their contact info in your phone.

When I discovered my husband's affair, I asked him to cut all contact with the OW. Still, much to my fury, I found that he had deleted her contact but taken a screenshot before he did so. Not only was he spitting on our chance of reconciling, but he was insulting my intelligence by being so obvious about it. At least scribble it on a piece of paper and hide it in a forgotten corner somewhere, lol. Anyway, I digress. 

You're right that this small act matters. It shows your intentions. I don't know if your SO knows that you've had an affair, but either way, you are setting your own intentions by what you do with this contact information. In some ways, it's a small, mainly symbolic act. But in other ways, it speaks volumes.

[inamess8]

18 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

Now, obviously, this is 2021. If you want to get in touch with someone, especially someone active on social media, it's pretty easy to do so whether you keep their contact info in your phone.

When I discovered my husband's affair, I asked him to cut all contact with the OW. Still, much to my fury, I found that he had deleted her contact but taken a screenshot before he did so. Not only was he spitting on our chance of reconciling, but he was insulting my intelligence by being so obvious about it. At least scribble it on a piece of paper and hide it in a forgotten corner somewhere, lol. Anyway, I digress. 

You're right that this small act matters. It shows your intentions. I don't know if your SO knows that you've had an affair, but either way, you are setting your own intentions by what you do with this contact information. In some ways, it's a small, mainly symbolic act. But in other ways, it speaks volumes.

yeah me having it in my phone is a risk. she has her suspicions definitely 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, inamess8 said:

apologies, I'm asking why I am keeping former ap contact details.

You tell us?

We don't know you and cannot explain your own behaviour and thought process to you. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, inamess8 said:

does this make sense to you?

Thanks + yep, pretty much does.   Sounds like you have some reflecting to do on "where your really at" WRT to the affair.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, inamess8 said:

 the number would be deleted as there would be no reason to keep it other than to resume the affair..does this make sense to you?

Is this what your afraid of? The affair resuming/continuing because the number is in the phone?

[Beentheretoooften]

8 hours ago, inamess8 said:

I wouldn't be on here if I knew this answer. I genuinely don't know what to do.

I don’t understand this. I have my AP contact information still in my phone. 
however, if I deleted it, I still know her phone number.   The recommendations of deleting contact info is just so ridiculous.  It doesn’t matter what you do, b/c whether it’s there or not you still know the info.  

[spiderowl]

7 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I don’t understand this. I have my AP contact information still in my phone. 
however, if I deleted it, I still know her phone number.   The recommendations of deleting contact info is just so ridiculous.  It doesn’t matter what you do, b/c whether it’s there or not you still know the info.  

That is true but what if your husband/wife has sudden suspicions and asks to see your phone (or sees it somewhere accidentally)?  Obviously, they should not look on your phone without permission, however suspicious they are, but people do.  Usually, they have been having doubts for a while and want to know for sure.  

If you don't want to ever get caught with your AP's number on your phone, remove it, then save your contacts again.  That way, hopefully, this will update anywhere on the phone/cloud the details are stored.

Having the details on your phone is taking a risk.  Maybe the OP secretly wants to take that risk?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Are you using the fact that you still have your AP's contact details saved in your phone as an indicator that you still care about your AP?

If not, what is important about this to you?

[inamess8]

9 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Are you using the fact that you still have your AP's contact details saved in your phone as an indicator that you still care about your AP?

If not, what is important about this to you?

yes I feel it is an indicator

[Miss Spider]

Probably wouldn’t delete them I’d just leave them in my inbox and forget about them like all the other junk if it’s really over 

 

is it a trick q 

[Love Yourself First]

The fact that you are trying to be cold and calculated about your emotions tells me they are wild and out of control, you should definitely go speak to a counsellor/therapist because you being logical about your emotion is just you going in circles, all your going to accomplish is whatever your trying to stop yourself from doing

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, inamess8 said:

yes I feel it is an indicator

Do you feel your marriage is threatened by the fact that the number is still in the phone?

[Beentheretoooften]

On 8/4/2021 at 7:45 PM, spiderowl said:

That is true but what if your husband/wife has sudden suspicions and asks to see your phone (or sees it somewhere accidentally)?  Obviously, they should not look on your phone without permission, however suspicious they are, but people do.  Usually, they have been having doubts for a while and want to know for sure. 

I suppose for after dday. But if she just has a contact. “Bill” with no dday. There is still no big deal.  Most ppl have hundreds of contacts.       With a dday, you could change the name of the AP.  But again, deleting it does nothing. Maybe psychologically it helps 

[Mrin]

On 8/5/2021 at 4:26 AM, inamess8 said:

yes I feel it is an indicator

I'll give you another read. Totally making stuff up but here goes:

You keep it because it represents, in some way, a ray of hope. A gateway to something better. Something more fulfilling than your marriage. Another life. Another way of life. Different sex. More sex possibly. Better sex. 

As soon as you delete it then you close that doorway forever. And you're just stuck in your marriage. It's like closing the lid on top of you. Because you know you won't go out and seek out a new affair partner. That's too risky or too... Unseemly... unforgivable maybe? And so once you delete it all there is left is you and your wife. Forever.

And you can't bear to wake up every morning knowing that's the case.

 

Does that resonate?

Edited August 6, 2021 by Mrin
Typo

[justbrowsing85]

My goodness.  am I the only one thinking about this?????  

[LynneVicious]

Interestingly, there is a similar thread with the wife posting as to why her WH kept his AP’s phone number in his phone. She’s really really stuck on it. Pages and pages of wondering why he has the number still with posters explaining to her that he keeps the number because he is still in the affair and still contacts her. 

There is no hidden motivation or abstract concept as to why theyre keeping the number of someone. Its  because they’re still in contact with that person or plan to have contact with them.  Period  

I’ll try to update this post with the thread link. You should be able to get all the answers to your questions about why you’re keeping the number in your phone. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Interestingly, there is a similar thread with the wife posting as to why her WH kept his AP’s phone number in his phone. She’s really really stuck on it. Pages and pages of wondering why he has the number still 

Yes, it's odd that a person themselves would not know why they keep a number in their own phone.

[Asc1226]

On 8/4/2021 at 12:32 PM, inamess8 said:

thank you. this is how I am currently feeling you have made perfect sense of it all. if I wanted to work on my marriage, the number would be deleted and if I wanted a new ap, the old ap number would also be deleted. basically in any situation - the number would be deleted as there would be no reason to keep it other than to resume the affair..does this make sense to you?

yes having the number in my phone is a huge risk.

Stop lying to yourself, you obviously don’t want to work on your marriage, you want a new AP. Why would a new AP care if you keep old AP’s info? Will she seriously be expecting any level of commitment from a married man?

 

It seems to me you could solve your problems by being single. Bonus: It would allow your betrayed wife to solve an even bigger problem.

Edited August 6, 2021 by Asc1226
Clarity

[Bryanp]

Let me ask you this: if the roles were reversed and you were the betrayed spouse, how do you think you would feel? You should have your answer now.

[inamess8]

hey everyone. Apologises - took a couple of days to process feelings etc.

 

This is what I have come up with, feel free to share your thoughts etc:

 

If I wanted to make a go of things with my wife - I would delete AP contact information.

If it was over with AP - I would delete contact information.

If I had no intention of ever reaching out to AP again - I would delete AP information.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm quite sure your wife posts here. 

As another poster mentioned, there is a ridiculously long thread with pages and pages of the very same question you're asking. Over and over. The similarities are striking. Might want to have a look for that, as it is obvious your wife is on to you and has seen your AP's contacti info still in your phone. 

She wants to ask you all the same questions. Questions that posters here cannot answer for you. 

Edited August 9, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[inamess8]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm quite sure your wife posts here. 

As another poster mentioned, there is a ridiculously long thread with pages and pages of the very same question you're asking. Over and over. The similarities are striking. Might want to have a look for that, as it is obvious your wife is on to you and has seen your AP's contacti info still in your phone. 

She wants to ask you all the same questions. Questions that posters here cannot answer for you. 

no idea what you're talking about and id appreciate you private messaging me accusations rather than posting on a thread to cause a pile on.