Has anyone chosen to stay with their partner or separated to find someone new to have children with?

[Crazelnut]

How do you know the problem isn't YOUR fertility? Do you know 100% the problem is hers?

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, SSM3 said:

I am sorry to hear about your friend, how is she coping now? Give her my number lol (joking)

It's been a struggle. 

She underwent medical testing (while she was still with her ex) to try to understand why she wasn't conceiving, and had a procedure as well to correct an internal issue that might have been hindering it. So it was a lot for her, but she was willing to do just about anything to improve their chances. Unfortunately, the relationship fell apart for other reasons and she chose to leave, but it was not without a lot of reflection about her future as a mom. 

So, she left knowing that it might not be feasible anymore for her to have a child (she is not interested in IVF or surrogacy) Now at 41, she is slowly working on accepting that it just might not be in the cards for her. She doesn't regret leaving her, though, simply because he was not a good guy in the end. But she does regret wasting too many years with a man who was not right for her, which she'd known a long time. 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, SSM3 said:

She is in her early 40's and I am in my mid 40's so time is not on our side really.  The thought of never having my own child, not being a dad or a grandad eats away at me every day and it's really hard to accept.

FWIW my wife had our younger daughter in her early 40's. However, just because it was doable for her doesn't mean it will doable for your partner (AND it's medically risky).

I'd also note that you're FAR from being alone in the trouble conceiving department - a huge and very common issue for couples.

The way I see it you have 3 main options: (1) keep trying (including with interventions such as IVF if she's ok with that), (2) leave for a younger woman IF that doesn't work or you don't want to put in the time and money that may take, or (3) opt for surrogacy (if your partner is ok with that).

Perhaps I missed it, but nowhere in your original post did I see mention of the possibility that YOU may be the one "shooting blanks" here. You might want to get your sperm tested for "viability" or whatever the medical term is for this.

[SSM3]

52 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps I missed it, but nowhere in your original post did I see mention of the possibility that YOU may be the one "shooting blanks" here. You might want to get your sperm tested for "viability" or whatever the medical term is for this.

I was tested a few years ago and was ok back then. Yes, things can change but I was told that I was fine. Leaving this woman really isn't an option for me, I love her too much. I will have to accept things and move on, that will be hard but I don't want to be without her. 

I really appreciate the comments and someone above posted one or two things which have actually helped.  The fact that I am not alone is kind of comforting, in a weird way, as there are people in my position which I can speak with. 

We both say that we wish we met eachother 10 years ago, if only we could go back in time  Sad thing is, she's been working with my sister's bestfriend for nearly 18 years!!!

For the record, I get on well with her kids now and this isn't a problem.

Thanks
SSM3

Edited August 4, 2021 by SSM3

[stillafool]

I never wanted kids when I was young because I was afraid of child birth and after sitting with a friend during labor and delivery I felt like I was going to faint.  The desire to be a mom went away decades ago.  However, I was at Walmart the other day and saw this older couple with their 2 grand kids and a pain hit me right through the heart of what I missed out on.  I told the woman how lucky the kids were to have grandparents like them and she said "no, we're the lucky ones".  When I got to my car I wept for not experiencing that joy.  So, OP if it's important to you now to have kids and look forward to the joy of grand kids; if you don't have them it will really eat away at you later in life.