Question for Men: What do women unintentionally do or say that you find off-putting?

[Alpacalia]

Men:
What do women unintentionally do or say that you find off-putting?

(like sometimes if she's trying to be helpful and he thinks, “Geez, she must think I’m a big dummy!”)

Ladies please feel free to chime in too!

One that irks me is if I am out and about and someone says to me "you need to smile more."

Are women supposed to walk around with a huge smile all the time singing Christmas carols?

[Uruktopi]

36 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Are women supposed to walk around with a huge smile all the time singing Christmas carols?

No, not really.

About your question, you are making me think....so give me some time, please.

Edited August 4, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Miss Spider]

Good thread and good one. Off the top of my head, when guys text too much. I can’t stand when guys want to text a whole bunch in between dates and it feels and this is like every dude I’ve been meeting. It’s such boring, low effort, yet high expectation means of communicationand I just hate having to respond to someone’s 4 word question or disjointed thought from the day . Then if I don’t respond after a while the dude starts to fall off so I’m like having to do damage control and win him back a little

 

[Weezy1973]

I’d say a general desire for men (or their partner) to be the way they want them to be, rather than accepting and loving them for who they are. For example the sentiment that you have to “train” a man.

[FMW]

My guy said if a guy says he's going to do something, the woman doesn't need to keep reminding him. His mother and I gave each other a look and he said ".... sometime in the next few months, years...."  

Edited August 4, 2021 by FMW

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

My guy said if a guy says he's going to do something, the woman doesn't need to keep reminding him. His mother and I gave each other a look and he said ".... sometime in the next few months, years...."  

Yes this is an example. Your timelines might be different, and it’s not that one is right and the other is wrong. But if you want it done on your timeline, do it yourself!

Edited August 4, 2021 by Weezy1973

[FMW]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

But if you want it done on your timeline, do it yourself!

I agree.  BTW, he wasn't talking about me when he said it. We're not married or living together, so everything he does for me is a gift.  And vice versa.

I learned early on in my former marriage that if I "reminded" my ex- husband of anything it was the last thing he'd ever do.  

[Miss Spider]

sounds like if you had to remind him he wasn’t doing it anyway

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[FMW]

He wanted to take care of home repairs, you can't  put some of them off without causing bigger problems.  So I'd just pay someone to do the work.  Then he'd  be unhappy about that.

But on to other examples.....

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

No, not really.

Thanks Uruktopi, I didn't think so either!

[Shining One]

Imprecision. Almost every time I'm doing something for a woman that involves some level of precision, they give imprecise answers. Some examples include wall mounting a TV (need to know the weight to get the right mount and hardware) or hanging shelving (need to know heights).

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, FMW said:

My guy said if a guy says he's going to do something, the woman doesn't need to keep reminding him. His mother and I gave each other a look and he said ".... sometime in the next few months, years...."  

So then what happened? 

 

[chillii]

Wouldn't even know where to begin. Some of them to merely open their mouth is off putting , others you can not believe some of the things women will say , especially in public or to men or in front of a bunch of people they don't even know.

One big thing l find really really off putting is the way some women will just talk about sexual things , as above , in almost any situation , anywhere , in front of anyone , or even their private parts. l just find in absolutely mind boggling . Can't even believe some of the stuff they'll spatter all over LS and other forums either for that matter. Mind you , can't believe some of the guys either on that one.

[Interstellar]

j-lo rebounding with ben. ...just kidding, she’s not attractive to me.

when their face is glued to their phones, yeah that’s a turnoff. and if she’s late on a date, and it’s become a pattern, it shows she’s not considerate.

Edited August 4, 2021 by Interstellar

[chillii]

Yeah glued to their phone makes me sick, so common though even in my age group.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes this is an example. Your timelines might be different, and it’s not that one is right and the other is wrong. But if you want it done on your timeline, do it yourself!

I'm trying to recollect a similar situation, but I can't since generally, when a boyfriend said he was going to do something, he did.

But, I agree, if something takes months and months to accomplish, I'd probably rather do it myself.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

. For example the sentiment that you have to “train” a man.

Agree. Or using psychobabble rather than just getting to the point.

For example: when you don't take out the trash, I feel unloved and dispected. This makes me feel like I'm not being heard or validated. It triggers feelings of past trauma.

Just say "take the damn trash out".

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Just say "take the damn trash out".

Or do it yourself. My wife doesn’t mind a cluttered house, whereas I do. So I pick up after her and my son because it bothers me. It doesn’t bother them. Why should I push my thing onto them? It’s my thing to live clutter free, I’m the one that declutters. 

[Blind-Sided]

I'm tired of the "Extreme Feminist" kind of thing.  I met one girl who was very nice... but she was skating that line.  We were sitting with a group... and I don't even remember the subject, but she had a look like she didn't understand, and didn't respond with a basic acknowledgement.  So, I started to explain.  She then responded with the... "You don't have to Man-splain things to me".  I said... "I'm sorry, but I wasn't sure if you understood the subject."  She then smiled, and said... "JK, I was just giving you grief."  I think she only backed off because I'm sure I was visually off put by her actions. 

So.... 1) She interrupted me while I was trying to talk (rude)... and 2) she actually needed the explanation !!!

While she was trying to be funny... there is just way too much "Snowflake" and "Trigger" kind of crap in this world right now for me to even want to get to know someone like that.  And since there is so much extreme behavior around those kinds of things... I find ZERO humor in it.

The other thing is... if a girl is too aggressive.  If we have just met... and basically makes it known that she will go home with me... then I have no interest in her.  First... If she is that easy... I could never trust her to not cheat.  And second... if there is no chase... then the prize seems of less value. 

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

We were sitting with a group... and I don't even remember the subject, but she had a look like she didn't understand, and didn't respond with a basic acknowledgement.  So, I started to explain.  She then responded with the... "You don't have to Man-splain things to me".  I said... "I'm sorry, but I wasn't sure if you understood the subject." 

I am the last person that you would ever call a feminist  but that could be viewed as offensive. Why did you feel that you had to explain things to her?  Could you just not let it go? What was the tone of your voice when you explained that subject to her? I know a couple, where a husband makes it his missing to explain things to his wife quite often.  He speaks to her like she is a child or a dummy. I would consider the tone of his voice and mannerism very condescending. Guessing she does as well since she get visibly upset but never calls him out on it. Basically, you called her out in front of everybody on not understanding something. She probably felt embarrassed and reacted defensively. Remember a feeling when you didn't understand a subject in a school and surprise, surprise. A teacher calls you out to come to the front of the class and explain that darn subject. This is what you did to her basically.

Unless you are an expert on every single subject on this planet, you have zero right to judge her. So she didn't get something, BIG DEAL. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Alvi

[smackie9]

Nope I agree that girl was rude, and had no manners. She sounded like a snotty little brat Blind-sided

Edited August 4, 2021 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

You have to remember that, just like women, men vary substantially, so what some find off-putting may not apply well to others.

At the risk of stating what's widely known, some men are misogynists and/or simply have issues with women generally and may find all sorts of thing off-putting that a "normal" person wouldn't. But even what's normal varies a lot - there are places in the world where women are most definitely "second class citizens" and even some where trying to educate young women can get you blown up for your pains. I'm not sure "off-putting" is the right word, but someone who has internalized the claims and values related to these sorts of attitudes might find e.g. an unaccompanied woman buying groceries to be "an issue".

Even within western culture, while plenty of men are perfectly fine with "skimpy clothing" there are some who find it off-putting and even some who go far as to actively try to shame and morally judge women, e.g. for wearing bikinis at the beach. One might say the issue is really with the men themselves, and yeah there's probably a case to be made for that.

So, generalizing is tough.

For myself I find it off-putting when women complain about something in a "grating" tone of voice. I usually have no issue with the actual opinion itself (everyone's entitled to their view) but I find the tone of voice (sometimes) used to be irritating. I also find women who are "frigid" during foreplay/lousy lays off-putting too, although that's also probably partly on me to "take the hint" and try again tomorrow, etc. (If it's consistent there's doubtless an overarching issue that needs addressing.)

There are plenty of things that women sometimes do that I would find off-putting if it were a man doing it too, such as talking extremely loudly in an inappropriate setting, not maintaining reasonable personal hygiene, driving 45 mph in a parking lot, etc, etc.

While I think woman can be too forward sexually, I myself would have no issue with a woman wanting to sleep with me on a first date or consider her a "risk" due to this. While I certainly wouldn't expect it, I believe (or at least like to believe, ha ha) I'm the kind of guy a woman who's genuinely interested would want to try to "lock down" relatively quickly. So it wouldn't bother me overmuch. If 5 years later she shows no interest in sex, wants to be out on her own 4 nights a week and insists I don't go along, THEN I'm worried she's cheating.

But YMMV.

Edited August 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[Alvi]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Nope I agree that girl was rude, and had no manners. She sounded like a snotty little brat.

Not going to defend someone I don't know. She could be all that. But than again, we were not there. But all I am saying is that she probably felt embarrassed when her date or her boyfriend called her out in front of everybody on not being knowledgeable about something. He took it all on himself to explain things to her when he didn't ask him to. And he actually got annoyed that she  needed the explanation (remember, she didn't ask him to explain things to her). Maybe she was over the top but so was he. All I am saying is that he could just let it be. She probably thought that he is being a snotty little know it all brat himself.

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Good thread and good one. Off the top of my head, when guys text too much. I can’t stand when guys want to text a whole bunch in between dates and it feels and this is like every dude I’ve been meeting. It’s such boring, low effort, yet high expectation means of communicationand I just hate having to respond to someone’s 4 word question or disjointed thought from the day . Then if I don’t respond after a while the dude starts to fall off so I’m like having to do damage control and win him back a little

 

Thanks!

I can't speak on behalf of the other stuff you wrote but it did remind me that in the past that I found it a bit off-putting if a man says "call me."

Not sure if it's low interest or just being polite.

[SumGuy]

I'm rarely one to make snap judgments, more a comment will be a yellow flag.   Then again a lot that raises questions for me is pretty common speak so will give it a chance to discover the substance and thinking behind the words.

Ohhing and awing over materialistic things to the level of adulation not just appreciation (which includes "experiences")...phrases like "There is nothing wrong with liking nice things." always pricks up my ears...too often it is defensive code for privilege.   

Anti-intellectualism...especially comments that perpetuate negative stereotypes.   Or I guess it is called a micro-aggression these days, but comments like "you don't seem like the kind of guy who would like star trek"...only acceptable if in the context of other sci-fi franchises, but on second thought may be even more put off if she thought I considered star wars better.  

Almost any comment that contains "real men do x" is almost certain to be stereotyping given the implication if you are not x then you are not a "real man," ...guess that is a form of micro-aggression to.

That is just stuff have encountered, there is much more extreme stuff that have never encountered (such as racism, ant0semtism, etc.).

I'll be honest, if the comment after exploring the meaning is really one that is a "turn off" she my not know it (correction never seems to if her wanting to get together again is any indication), such comments in my expereince are only made when they believe I share this world view, I'm not above playing with the preconceptions and assumptions that lead to such thoughts...also I get curious about how life is working out for them with such views.