Yungstagurl Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 I posted this a few weeks ago. He was still reaching out some and I kept the conversations very short and dry or didn't respond. I was trying to do no contact and stopped responding until he let me know that his mom was getting worse. I was aware that his mom was sick and I hadn't really reached out or asked him about his mom except maybe once. I did feel bad but also to heal and move on I have to do what's best for me. A little over a week and a half ago he reached out to me asking for prayer because they were putting his mom in hospice and of course I responded but that was the last I heard from him. I ran into someone yesterday who told me that his mom died but he hasn't told me. What's even more weird is the fact that he messaged me on IG after his mom died just joking but still didn't mention anything about his mom?
Eva1990 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 It seems you didn't support him, so why are you surprised? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 41 minutes ago, Yungstagurl said: I was aware that his mom was sick and I hadn't really reached out or asked him about his mom except maybe once. This is probably part of it, but you're also his ex. You're not the one he goes to first any longer. He may also not really be ready to accept it yet. Sometimes breaking the news make it so much more "real" and it can take time to process that reality. Whatever you do, if he does mention it to you, do not make it about you or get upset that he didn't tell you. His whole world has just changed. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 He didn't reach out because he didn't know what kind of a reaction he would get from you & he couldn't handle rejection or indifference when he needed support. You two broke up so he knew he was not supposed to count on you for support. He did the right thing for himself under the circumstances. If you care, send a condolence card or drop food off at the house. But don't you dare say one word to him about his choice not inform you personally. You lost that right when the relationship ended. 2
Ami1uwant Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 I’m not digging the into past threads…. How well did you know his mom? Met once? Regularly saw? your reaction to her illness might have said you didn’t give crap about it. as others said you aren’t th first person he shares info with. He might have thought he sent out a bcc email to e eryone and had you included.
glows Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Yungstagurl said: I posted this a few weeks ago. He was still reaching out some and I kept the conversations very short and dry or didn't respond. I was trying to do no contact and stopped responding until he let me know that his mom was getting worse. I was aware that his mom was sick and I hadn't really reached out or asked him about his mom except maybe once. I did feel bad but also to heal and move on I have to do what's best for me. A little over a week and a half ago he reached out to me asking for prayer because they were putting his mom in hospice and of course I responded but that was the last I heard from him. I ran into someone yesterday who told me that his mom died but he hasn't told me. What's even more weird is the fact that he messaged me on IG after his mom died just joking but still didn't mention anything about his mom? That's very personal. You're trying to go no contact so whether his loved one has passed or not is not really any of your concern. The relationship didn't work out and you didn't sense that he was forthcoming or clear about his intentions when you both reconnected. It sounds like your communication together has been poor from the start.
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Yungstagurl said: I ran into someone yesterday who told me that his mom died but he hasn't told me. It's a time for close friends and family, not exgfs. Let him grieve in his own way. 5
Author Yungstagurl Posted August 3, 2021 Author Posted August 3, 2021 2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: I’m not digging the into past threads…. How well did you know his mom? Met once? Regularly saw? your reaction to her illness might have said you didn’t give crap about it. as others said you aren’t th first person he shares info with. He might have thought he sent out a bcc email to e eryone and had you included. I didn't know his mom well we only met a few times. I did ask about her at first then I stopped. I just went through my text and I had told him i was praying from his mom and his family. 3 times in the past 2 weeks. I didn't think I would be first but I did think he would tell me.
Author Yungstagurl Posted August 3, 2021 Author Posted August 3, 2021 I'm not going to bring up him not telling me to him. I just thought it was weird after asking for prayer for her that he wouldn't say anything. I've only responded to him lately when it's been something about his mom. In the past 2 weeks I've said I was praying for her and the family 3 times. It's been a few days since she passed and I just figured he would say something. 1
FudgeSwirl Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 Once people become ex's regardless of the circumstances or on what terms the relationship ended informing each other of anything substantial is no way after longer a priority. He might contact you way after the fact to inform you of his mother's death when he feels ready. Even though he messaged you on Instagram with something jokey, that's much easier to do than tell anybody somebody that close passed away. Some people in general keep a family member's death within a small circle of people to keep services private and then might after the fact spread the news or release an obituary weeks sometimes even months after the person's death. Since you found out already, if you want to reach out to him you can by a simple "I just heard about your mom from ______. I'm so sorry for your loss." 1
basil67 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 (edited) For him, reaching out to tell you personally is not a priority - the death grapevine has done it's job and you now know about his mother's passing. Many of us don't hear first hand when a friend, family or ex loses someone close. This is all quite normal. Him asking you for a prayer is is one thing, but the headspace he's in now is another whole world of pain. He's doing whatever he needs to cope. At the moment, he's likely in a very small bubble of his nearest and dearest and letting others do the telling of her passing. If you wish to pay your respects, go to the funeral and keep a low profile. Or post a card in the mail. Edited August 3, 2021 by basil67 3
glows Posted August 4, 2021 Posted August 4, 2021 8 hours ago, Yungstagurl said: I'm not going to bring up him not telling me to him. I just thought it was weird after asking for prayer for her that he wouldn't say anything. I've only responded to him lately when it's been something about his mom. In the past 2 weeks I've said I was praying for her and the family 3 times. It's been a few days since she passed and I just figured he would say something. Is that in hopes that you would hear from him or is it because you're a bit stung he didn't tell you about his mother? I feel like you want a reaction out of him to help you feel more connected to him in a way considering your history. If that's the case keep a low profile and let him be. You may wish to send a thoughtful text message or card but keep it very simple. Both of you don't owe each other anything.
Blind-Sided Posted August 4, 2021 Posted August 4, 2021 Why would he?? I don't tell my ex's of things in my life... and I don't expect them to tell me. I'm sure I would tell my exW if my folks passed away... but we were together for 20 years... and she is the mother of my kids. (she would need to know for the kids sake) 1
stillafool Posted August 4, 2021 Posted August 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Why would he?? I don't tell my ex's of things in my life... and I don't expect them to tell me. Me either, they're an ex and no longer in my life. If their mom passed I wouldn't expect a call from them either.
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2021 Posted August 4, 2021 Not everyone is going to pick up the phone and call everyone they know to say that their mother passed away. The adult thing to do is to say to him "Hey I just heard about the sad news, I'm so sorry about your mom...." 2
Author Yungstagurl Posted August 5, 2021 Author Posted August 5, 2021 On 8/4/2021 at 3:46 AM, glows said: Is that in hopes that you would hear from him or is it because you're a bit stung he didn't tell you about his mother? I feel like you want a reaction out of him to help you feel more connected to him in a way considering your history. If that's the case keep a low profile and let him be. You may wish to send a thoughtful text message or card but keep it very simple. Both of you don't owe each other anything. I'm keeping it low profile. I'm not going to bother him I just thought it was odd. He wanted to remain friends and was telling me things before and now nothing. He's even reached out to me again with a funny meme yesterday.
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 Sending a condolence card or flowers is not bothering him. It is being a friend. Your failure to acknowledge his mother's death in a meaningful way, beyond a text, is more of you withholding emotionally from him. That is what broke you up in the 1st place. He felt you were too closed off. It's why he didn't tell you. Because deep down he knew you wouldn't be there for him. 1
jspice Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 Just do the human thing and say, “so sorry about your mum. I heard from so and so. I’m here if you need to talk or need a distraction.” Send flowers or food to his/ his mum’s house and that’s it.
Donnas Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 Have ever had a sick parent or one that died??? The last thing you think is about unsupportive people. Your world is being shaking. You didn't respond when he told u she was sick. But when she died u wanna be informed?? If you truly care don't go asking him why why why didn't you. But be there. Let him know you heard the sad news ,u are there for him, call him, or send a condolences card. He doesn't owe u any updates and also during such time you can't remember to inform whole world.
Author Yungstagurl Posted August 5, 2021 Author Posted August 5, 2021 2 minutes ago, Donnas said: Have ever had a sick parent or one that died??? The last thing you think is about unsupportive people. Your world is being shaking. You didn't respond when he told u she was sick. But when she died u wanna be informed?? If you truly care don't go asking him why why why didn't you. But be there. Let him know you heard the sad news ,u are there for him, call him, or send a condolences card. He doesn't owe u any updates and also during such time you can't remember to inform whole world. Yes, I have I lost my dad to cancer so I know somewhat how it feels. I did respond when he told me she was sick. I just didn't keep checking in all the time. I didn't ask how she was doing but over the past few weeks I did tell him i was keeping him and his family in prayer.
kendahke Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) On 8/3/2021 at 6:50 PM, Yungstagurl said: I just thought it was weird after asking for prayer for her that he wouldn't say anything. He's grieving. Grieving isn't linear nor is it a one-size-fits-all / my way is the only way. You're his ex. You're no longer on a "need to know" basis with him. Send him a condolence card without the expectation of reply and be done, if his mother's passing means that much to you. Otherwise, it looks like you trying to manufacture your way back onto his priority list Edited August 5, 2021 by kendahke
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 When you loose someone, through the grief there's a desire for normalcy. I feel he doesn't want to dwell on it, and have small distractions. That's probably why he hasn't said anything because it too painful to talk about. He's sending you that funny meme because it makes him feel better.
Author Yungstagurl Posted August 5, 2021 Author Posted August 5, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Sending a condolence card or flowers is not bothering him. It is being a friend. Your failure to acknowledge his mother's death in a meaningful way, beyond a text, is more of you withholding emotionally from him. That is what broke you up in the 1st place. He felt you were too closed off. It's why he didn't tell you. Because deep down he knew you wouldn't be there for him. I understand what you're saying but I've been there for him a lot the past few months. I was always very encouraging and supportive towards him and he loved that about me but needed more because it was like we were just friends at times. I thought maybe him not telling me is him finally letting me go. I was going to send my condolences.
stillafool Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 23 minutes ago, Yungstagurl said: I thought maybe him not telling me is him finally letting me go. I was going to send my condolences. I agree with you. Still, if you want to send a sympathy card then do. When there is the death of a major person in one's life people sometimes start reevaluating everything and everybody. I know when my Mom died I did. Sorry to say but after losing your Mom everybody else falls very low on the totem pole and you just don't care anymore. That's how I felt for a long time.
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