Pulled the plug

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I guess I didn't want to be judged.

And  yet, in the end, you were the one judging him. 

I say that because you made assumptions about him and his preferences and intentions without giving him a chance to actually show you who he is. It seems to come from a place of fear within you (and certainly not malicious intent) but you assumed the worst about him without even meeting him. You didn't give him the opportunity to show you much about himself at all before you decided it would be a bad experience. 

You are judging both yourself and potential dating partners here. 

[spiderowl]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And  yet, in the end, you were the one judging him. 

I say that because you made assumptions about him and his preferences and intentions without giving him a chance to actually show you who he is. It seems to come from a place of fear within you (and certainly not malicious intent) but you assumed the worst about him without even meeting him. You didn't give him the opportunity to show you much about himself at all before you decided it would be a bad experience. 

You are judging both yourself and potential dating partners here. 

You are right, Expat.  I didn't see it as judging him but it was certainly not trusting him.  I think I was judging myself more.

I am wondering whether to message him.  

[Miss Spider]

49 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

 

I am wondering whether to message him.  

I think you should just move on, spiderowl   I do that a lot, but it messes people about too much and makes you seem unstable to them /they don’t like it. You said earlier that you realize they was  stuff about him you weren’t into. I think you should just stay with your initial feelings on it. It’s easy to start doubting your decisions as time goes on, but like you said, something about him made you feel uncomfortable and it’s doubtful that has changed in a couple days .

Edited August 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[spiderowl]

48 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I think you should just move on, spiderowl   I do that a lot, but it messes people about too much and makes you seem unstable to them /they don’t like it. You said earlier that you realize they was  stuff about him you weren’t into. I think you should just stay with your initial feelings on it. It’s easy to start doubting your decisions as time goes on, but like you said, something about him made you feel uncomfortable and it’s doubtful that has changed in a couple days .

Thanks Cookies.  I did message him but it wasn't an apology, more checking to see if I'd made a mistake.  If he doesn't reply, I'll know.  You are right, he will think I'm unstable.  I'm a very sensitive person so I'm never going to be that unemotional kind, but I tend not to show it most of the time.  I will not bother him again.

I do think at some level I was picking up on something, but there was nothing overt (unlike on other occasions) and so I may have been too paranoid.

[glows]

I agree you were picking up on something that you didn't feel comfortable with from the start or wasn't compatible with your values/beliefs.

And, I'd take all this as a learning experience. You messaged him and although it seems confusing if his non-response leads you to believe that it's not something you need to do again, that's a positive thing. It is okay. Live and learn.

 

[spiderowl]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

I agree you were picking up on something that you didn't feel comfortable with from the start or wasn't compatible with your values/beliefs.

And, I'd take all this as a learning experience. You messaged him and although it seems confusing if his non-response leads you to believe that it's not something you need to do again, that's a positive thing. It is okay. Live and learn.

 

He replied, which amazed me!  I read his reply and it was neutral, I guess.  I apologised for not being at my best.  Said I had wanted to meet him.  I didn't know what else to say except that I hope he is ok.  I didn't indicate I wanted or expected a reply.  He hasn't replied to that. 

So that's that, I guess.  My anxiety spoiled what was possibly a good relationship here.  I am not usually this anxious, it is because I am no longer taking antidepressants, due to the side-effects, and because of recent bereavements due to Covid.  I don't want to inflict all this on the guy as he seems steady and genuine.  He doesn't need to start a relationship with someone like me and it's too much to start off with.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

He replied, which amazed me!  I read his reply and it was neutral, I guess.  I apologised for not being at my best.  Said I had wanted to meet him.  I didn't know what else to say except that I hope he is ok.  I didn't indicate I wanted or expected a reply.  He hasn't replied to that. 

So that's that, I guess.  My anxiety spoiled what was possibly a good relationship here.  I am not usually this anxious, it is because I am no longer taking antidepressants, due to the side-effects, and because of recent bereavements due to Covid.  I don't want to inflict all this on the guy as he seems steady and genuine.  He doesn't need to start a relationship with someone like me and it's too much to start off with.

Well, you don't really know who this person is so he could be Batman for all you know with a boatload of his own issues. It could have been something but it's not and that's fine too. You get to work on what you need to do for yourself and meet someone else too when you're ready.

[spiderowl]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

Well, you don't really know who this person is so he could be Batman for all you know with a boatload of his own issues. It could have been something but it's not and that's fine too. You get to work on what you need to do for yourself and meet someone else too when you're ready.

I honestly don't think I'll be ready again.  I think this was the last straw really.  If I can't meet a nice, decent guy like him, then there's clearly something wrong.  He didn't put a foot wrong, was decent and polite.  It was me who got cold feet.  I'm past hope really.

[Miss Spider]

Spider, you don’t really even know if he is nice/decent. You don’t know him so he could be a complete  a-hat for all you know. He didn’t seem interested in chatting before meeting though, and if that’s all that it is, it’s not really a red flag but a compatibility thing. Because I am the same way and actually prefer a guy that doesn’t want to chat before we actually meet. I might not even like him or be attracted to him at all after we meet so I just want to go on the date to see first 

[spiderowl]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Spider, you don’t really even know if he is nice/decent. You don’t know him so he could be a complete  a-hat for all you know. He didn’t seem interested in chatting before meeting though, and if that’s all that it is, it’s not really a red flag but a compatibility thing. Because I am the same way and actually prefer a guy that doesn’t want to chat before we actually meet. I might not even like him or be attracted to him at all after we meet so I just want to go on the date to see first 

It is true I don't know him but he did seem very nice and decent.  He didn't ask for my number, which I thought meant he was one of these who prefer not to chat before meeting, but then it's hardly a crime.  I did assume he was just waiting for the meeting rather than attempting to interact beforehand.  That's probably why I started to feel uneasy. 

If he was keen, he would have made an attempt to continue the interaction, wouldn't he?

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It is true I don't know him but he did seem very nice and decent.  He didn't ask for my number, which I thought meant he was one of these who prefer not to chat before meeting, but then it's hardly a crime.  I did assume he was just waiting for the meeting rather than attempting to interact beforehand.  That's probably why I started to feel uneasy. 

If he was keen, he would have made an attempt to continue the interaction, wouldn't he?

Well if he’s had a situation in the recent past where he interacted a lot with a woman online and had no Chem with in person and/or he’s just not big on phone communication, I can totally see why he might just use the communication to set up the date and not chat much. I’d actually prefer that personally. To me setting up the person dates is actually showing more interest than just chatting away 

[Dis]

Ohhh spider I felt your pain in your post and I'm so so sorry  

 

Have you thought about electroconvulsive therapy...don't let the stigma deter you...it works wonders for some people, especially those who haven't had luck with meds and talk therapy 

 

I struggled immensely with bipolar for 10 years...I know what it feels like to be completely bottomed out without a single hope to hold onto. I'm praying you will find your way and with hard work you'll feel content again 

 

As for dating, I think you might want to get off the dating sites. They cause a lot of pressure and stress and I'm at a point where although I don't struggle with my illness anymore, I just don't care for OLD at this point. It's too contrived and stressful and fake. Maybe try to join a laid back group, like a hobby you enjoy and just take it from there. When someone is in the throws of depression they need to conserve their energy and spend their time doing self nurturing activities rather than throw themselves into stressful situations. 

 

Also, not everyone will judge you like the previous guy did. There are kind hearted, sweet men out there who will support you once they've gotten to know you...you just didn't really give this guy a chance to do that....but I get why. 

 

Sending you warmth, light and healing energies...PM me anytime  

Edited August 5, 2021 by Dis

[spiderowl]

Ohhh spider I felt your pain in your post and I'm so so sorry  

Thank you so much for your reply.

Have you thought about electroconvulsive therapy...don't let the stigma deter you...it works wonders for some people, especially those who haven't had luck with meds and talk therapy 

Actually, yes I have thought about it.  I do know it can help some and I have considered it seriously because I feel I am out of options.  I am worried about potential memory loss though and I do know of people who have had ECT and then had to have more a few years later.  It is not a permanent solution to depression but one last ditch resort I guess.

I struggled immensely with bipolar for 10 years...I know what it feels like to be completely bottomed out without a single hope to hold onto. I'm praying you will find your way and with hard work you'll feel content again 

I am sorry to hear about your struggles.  Bipolar can be devastating with the lows.  I hope you have found something that helps you.

As for dating, I think you might want to get off the dating sites. They cause a lot of pressure and stress and I'm at a point where although I don't struggle with my illness anymore, I just don't care for OLD at this point. It's too contrived and stressful and fake. Maybe try to join a laid back group, like a hobby you enjoy and just take it from there. When someone is in the throws of depression they need to conserve their energy and spend their time doing self nurturing activities rather than throw themselves into stressful situations. 

I am finding that anxiety is stopping me from doing many things at the moment.  If I have an appointment, I go.  I do dutiful things.  In the past, I have gone on dates and not been too anxious about it.  I'm just more anxious than usual at the moment.  I don't think the last relationship helped.  Although he was a nice man with good intentions, we could not communicate well or talk about anything deep.  He also affected my confidence by dismissing my health problems.  I couldn't continue with him but he still seems to want contact.  It does make me wonder if there was anything else I could have done, but if people jump to conclusions and have fixed opinions, then there is little point in arguing with them over it, especially when it is something you have been battling to cope with yourself for a long time.

Also, not everyone will judge you like the previous guy did. There are kind hearted, sweet men out there who will support you once they've gotten to know you...you just didn't really give this guy a chance to do that....but I get why. 

I'd like to think that but guys are not usually very understanding about anything invisible or emotional, are they?  They want practical solutions, as do I, but I am stuck without any.

Sending you warmth, light and healing energies...PM me anytime

I really appreciate your kindness

Edited August 6, 2021 by spiderowl