Pulled the plug

[spiderowl]

Not sure whether I did the right thing but I felt I had to somehow.  What do you think?

I had thought I wanted to meet someone new, have a romance, all that, but in a gentle way  - you know, meet as friends first and get to know each other.  I put this on my online dating profile so there could be no misunderstanding.  I also said I had some health issues.

I was contacted by a really nice-sounding guy.  He appeared to be everything I would want in a guy, polite, decent, respectful, attractive, interested.  We exchanged a few messages and he suggested meeting for dinner.  It all sounded really nice and I thought well, ok, we can talk over dinner and get to know each other.  He didn't ask for my number of anything, which seemed a bit strange to me as I would prefer to chat a bit first, but it's ok, I've met others before without talking on the phone first.  It's not ideal as it makes me feel disconnected, but not everyone is the same.

As the time ticked towards the date/meeting, I began to feel anxious.  I feel sure my health problems are too much, though I was honest with him about them.  It didn't seem to put him off.  I have been struggling with sorting my house out, since giving up work.  It has been physically difficult due to the health problems.  Some of these may be down to allergies and I am finding taking antihistamines daily has relieved some symptoms.  I feel depressed though, for various reasons from the past where I've had to deal with difficult circumstances, and recent significant bereavements.  I've had to give up antidepressants due to side-effects.  I know this affects how I see things, I'm just very sensitive and feel exposed and anxious a lot of the time.  I'm very fed up with trying to contact health professionals and explaining to them.  Of course, they are too busy with the present crisis and only have access to the same drugs I've already tried.  I have tried mindfulness, exercise, everything, and nothing works.  It is basically treatment-resistant depression.  I can't see it getting better, obviously, because I've been a sufferer for a long time, so I have to live with it or give up.

So anyway, that's the background.

At first the date guy was chatty in emails and asked a few questions.  Then it seemed as soon as we'd agreed to meet, he was polite but that's it, basically said he could find the place easily and see you on ***day.  I just felt once the date was set up, he was 'purposeful', I guess you would say, and didn't seem eager to continue exchanging messages, though I am probably being oversensitive about that.  The more I thought about it, the more I felt he deserved someone who was not like me, someone better who was interested in his hobbies.  I am in some but not others.  All in all, I felt trapped with all the pressure of a date when I had just planned to meet people as friends first and see how it goes.  I was trying to avoid the pressure of a 'date' while still having a chance at meeting people.  I had made this clear on my profile.

He's a high-flier, seems to have very little spare time outside work, and does not have children.  I had an unhappy experience of dating a guy who had not had children so I am a bit wary about that.  In short, I am wary of just about everything!

The guy seemed decent, interested.  I dunno, I just felt I was heading for disaster somehow and ended up pulling out of it.  I explained my reasons, which were that I felt he would be better off with someone different and that he seemed a great guy.  It is possible I have given up on the future love of my life but I feel too vulnerable at the moment to risk it.

I know that I am not going to keep pestering doctors with my depression problems - once they've tried the approved meds, they haven't got anywhere to go.  Counselling helps but the effect tends to wear off very quickly and counsellors are in short supply through our health system, the waits are very long, the sessions rationed, and now with Covid, near-on impossible to get.  They also seem as though they have few counselling skills, to be honest, and generally offer group CBT which requires more effort than most depressed people can muster.  No-one seems to have any real understanding what it is like to live with continuous health problems and how it destroys self-esteem.  The point I am trying to make, is that the only meds that really help with the general oversensitivity have problematic side-effects so I am out of options.  I have tried everything to help myself with respect to this.

I guess I need to resign myself to never meeting anyone.  I don't want to inflict my problems on anyone so what choice do I have other than to give up?  This is pretty much what I did.  I did try to explain so that he would not feel it was a rejection.  I was actually rejecting myself not the other way round.  He hasn't done anything wrong except to suddenly seem cooler once the date was set.

I feel I need someone understanding and sentimental, someone more like me.  Most guys seem quite cool on that front, more practical (which is not bad) and purposeful in that they seem to just want to meet.  I don't get the feeling they want to know me as a person, just want to see me in physical form to decide yea or nay.  I guess that's the problem with online dating.  That feeling puts me off.  I have never backed out of a date I'd agreed to before.  I just don't feel I'm good enough for this guy and there's no point even going there.  It's not even as though I've had problems with being rejected: the last few dates were all keen to continue.  Unfortunately, they were not right for me, apart from one person who was sadly out of sync with me practically the whole time we dated and did not 'treat' me in any way.  In the end, his attitudes towards my health problems forced my hand because pain and oversensitivity are invisible and in his wisdom he concluded they were 'all in my mind'. It's rubbish being invalidated like that and so that relationship could not continue.

Sorry about the long post.  I'm not even sure what I am asking - thoughts, comments, ideas?  There are some very insightful people on here.  I feel very tearful today about it, partly because of the bereavements which have dragged me down a lot, but also because I know I'm consigning myself to a lonely old age and seem to have little choice about it.

 

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

 meet as friends first and get to know each other.  I put this on my online dating profile so there could be no misunderstanding.  All in all, I felt trapped with all the pressure of a date when I had just planned to meet people as friends first and see how it goes. 

Sorry this is happening. try to sort out some of the mental and physical health problems in more satisfactory less self-defeating ways.

 You don't seem ready to date and dating apps are not appropriate for making friends. Take that off your profile when you are ready to date again.

[spiderowl]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. try to sort out some of the mental and physical health problems in more satisfactory less self-defeating ways.

 You don't seem ready to date and dating apps are not appropriate for making friends. Take that off your profile when you are ready to date again.

Thanks Wiseman but the point is I cannot sort out the problems, I have no option but to live with them.  If there was a way to sort them out, I would have done so by now.

It's true I'm not 'ready to date' but there is an option to make friends on the dating site, so I am not misleading anyone.

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[Miss Spider]

Sorry to hear about your health issues. I think depression causes low self-esteem and self sabotaging so wow that sucks it is not unexpected. I think negative thoughts and doubts are part of the illness and something that you have to rally against at times. Or sucks.  Honestly, I would say online dating might not be the best place for you to meet people the way you are trying to meet them i.e. slow, gradual, and friends first. It’s not typically what that’s for, Also I think mentioning your health issues might be a little premature, but I get feel necessary on online dating. If you want to meet someone is actual friends that would come out naturally instead of feeling put on the spot. You could also  get to know them with less expectation. I don’t have depression  but online dating makes me feel like I’m going to a job interview, except for a lover. Just very strange. Anyway good luck to you I’m so sorry to hear that about your disappointment but don’t give up

Edited August 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Caauug]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I did try to explain so that he would not feel it was a rejection.

So you agree to go out on a date with him and then cancel later.... How is this not rejecting him? I guess he doesn't matter... 

[spiderowl]

46 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sorry to hear about your health issues. I think depression causes low self-esteem and self sabotaging so wow that sucks it is not unexpected. I think negative thoughts and doubts are part of the illness and something that you have to rally against at times. Or sucks.  Honestly, I would say online dating might not be the best place for you to meet people the way you are trying to meet them i.e. slow, gradual, and friends first. It’s not typically what that’s for, Also I think mentioning your health issues might be a little premature, but I get feel necessary on online dating. If you want to meet someone is actual friends that would come out naturally instead of feeling put on the spot. You could also  get to know them with less expectation. I don’t have depression  but online dating makes me feel like I’m going to a job interview, except for a lover. Just very strange. Anyway good luck to you I’m so sorry to hear that about your disappointment but don’t give up

Thanks for your understanding, CookiesandDough.  It is a pressurised situation, no matter how we try to make it seem not.  I feel it was self-sabotaging but something was telling me it was headed in the wrong direction.  I think it was because he did not try to talk on the phone and seemed to think all he had to do was arrange the date and then it was 'see you there'.  Something just didn't feel right.  I have ignored my instincts before and it has inevitably been a mistake.

I understand what you mean about mentioning health issues early on, but I don't think I could meet anyone without doing so.  It does affect my life and energy so it would not be fair to them if I was not upfront.

I suppose it really hurt that the last guy I dated seemed very supportive at first but then decided I was making it up in some way.  Pain and fatigue are not visible.  Being upfront there didn't really help.  He was kind in some ways, never pushed me to walk faster or anything, but did keep suggesting that you have to 'push through' problems, 'tough it out' kind of talk.  What did he think I'd been doing?  In the end, the relationship just became unsustainable even though he still wanted to meet.  We couldn't talk about anything but superficial topics.  He was older than me and of that generation that had a parent who fought in World War II (a war hero in fact) so I can understand his frame of reference was totally different to what we have now.

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

13 minutes ago, Caauug said:

So you agree to go out on a date with him and then cancel later.... How is this not rejecting him? I guess he doesn't matter... 

Yes, I feel bad about that.  I did explain it was me not him.  As I saw it, I was saving him from having to pretend things were ok when he'd probably already decided I had too many issues.

He does matter, a lot.  I'm trying to work out why I suddenly felt I was being judged.  I think it's partly because he didn't try to talk on the phone and seemed to think it was 'job done' once the date was made.  I guess that made me feel the date was purely to 'look me over' rather than to get to know me.

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[Alpacalia]

Sorry to hear about your ongoing health problems.

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I guess I need to resign myself to never meeting anyone.  I don't want to inflict my problems on anyone so what choice do I have other than to give up?  This is pretty much what I did.  I did try to explain so that he would not feel it was a rejection.  I was actually rejecting myself not the other way round.  He hasn't done anything wrong except to suddenly seem cooler once the date was set.

Given your limited energy, you must be a little more selective in who you choose to spend your time with because you are dealing with some very challenging circumstances.

You'll begin to notice this by how men react to your conditions.

You also have the ability to choose and reject.

Recognize that some guys may reject you because of your condition as a measure of their own self-preservation. That in no way diminishes your worth.

 

[spiderowl]

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Sorry to hear about your ongoing health problems.

Given your limited energy, you must be a little more selective in who you choose to spend your time with because you are dealing with some very challenging circumstances.

You'll begin to notice this by how men react to your conditions.

You also have the ability to choose and reject.

Recognize that some guys may reject you because of your condition as a measure of their own self-preservation. That in no way diminishes your worth.

 

Thank you for your reply, Alpaca. I am selective.  This guy never indicated there was any problem; it was me who was worried about a problem.

I know some may reject me and that's fair enough.

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you for your reply, Alpaca. I am selective.  This guy never indicated there was any problem; it was me who was worried about a problem.

I know some may reject me and that's fair enough.

You're welcome.

Right.

So instead of allowing him to make that decision for himself, you made it for him.

 

 

 

[SunnySide0418]

I feel you're unfairly judging this guy you've never even met.  I think you should meet him but tell him you'd rather go for coffee than dinner.  I never commit to dinner for a first meet. Also, tell him you'd like to talk on the phone prior to meeting. I'm sure he'd call you.  Speak up for what you want!! Online dating is a two way street. 

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So instead of allowing him to make that decision for himself, you made it for him.

I agree, @spiderowlyou preemptively dumped him due to your own anxieties and insecurities about not being good enough for him.

Not fair, HE should be the one to decide that, don't you think?

As far as dating, perhaps it's best to stay off dating apps since for now you are seeking friendships that may or may not lead to something romantic. 

Or find a "friends first" app if there is such a thing? 

I am sorry about your health issues, and will say a silent prayer you feel better!  Chronic pain is the worst, never experienced myself but know peiple who have. 

Take care.

 

 

Edited August 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

38 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You're welcome.

Right.

So instead of allowing him to make that decision for himself, you made it for him.

 

 

 

Yes, I guess I didn't want to be judged.

[spiderowl]

37 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

I feel you're unfairly judging this guy you've never even met.  I think you should meet him but tell him you'd rather go for coffee than dinner.  I never commit to dinner for a first meet. Also, tell him you'd like to talk on the phone prior to meeting. I'm sure he'd call you.  Speak up for what you want!! Online dating is a two way street. 

Thank you for your suggestion.  I think it's too late now.  I just don't want to be judged, particularly when I'm not feeling confident at the moment.

[glows]

Regardless, I’m glad you cancelled because you weren’t feeling it.

You also mentioned above that you’ve not cancelled a date before and you’ve felt comfortable to meet others because you had more of an exchange.

Focus on that and don’t beat yourself up about this one person you just weren’t very interested in to start. 

I would remove the friends portion in the profile though. It’s a bit confusing. Put this behind you and treat it as a learning experience. So you like a little exchange before meeting! Plus. Get rid of the ones who treat you like a number.

[spiderowl]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree, @spiderowlyou preemptively dumped him due to your own anxieties and insecurities about not being good enough for him.

Not fair, HE should be the one to decide that, don't you think?

As far as dating, perhaps it's best to stay off dating apps since for now you are seeking friendships that may or may not lead to something romantic. 

Or find a "friends first" app if there is such a thing? 

I am sorry about your health issues, and will say a silent prayer you feel better!  Chronic pain is the worst, never experienced myself but know peiple who have. 

Take care.

 

 

Thanks poppy, that's really sweet of you.

[spiderowl]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

Regardless, I’m glad you cancelled because you weren’t feeling it.

You also mentioned above that you’ve not cancelled a date before and you’ve felt comfortable to meet others because you had more of an exchange.

Focus on that and don’t beat yourself up about this one person you just weren’t very interested in to start. 

I would remove the friends portion in the profile though. It’s a bit confusing. Put this behind you and treat it as a learning experience. So you like a little exchange before meeting! Plus. Get rid of the ones who treat you like a number.

Thanks glows, actually I did think he sounded lovely.  I guess I thought he's not going to want someone like me, so I decided not to risk it.  I haven't felt greatly comfortable meeting others, but maybe it was because he seemed so nice, I just didn't want to feel judged.  I know it seems horribly mixed up.

[glows]

15 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Thanks glows, actually I did think he sounded lovely.  I guess I thought he's not going to want someone like me, so I decided not to risk it.  I haven't felt greatly comfortable meeting others, but maybe it was because he seemed so nice, I just didn't want to feel judged.  I know it seems horribly mixed up.

What do you mean when you say he’s a high flyer? Sometimes people appear that way but they are just doing what they have to do. Also, photos are often an over-representation of what a person is day to day. I ask this to bring the anxiety down a little perhaps, if possible. And help to visualize a person who is just another person on the other side, nothing particularly special until proven otherwise.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Yes, I guess I didn't want to be judged.

Perfectly understandable.

I agree with @glows not to beat yourself up over it.

You may not be in the mood to date right now, but when you're ready, try again and see how it goes.

Best of luck!

Edited August 3, 2021 by Alpaca

[spiderowl]

2 hours ago, glows said:

What do you mean when you say he’s a high flyer? Sometimes people appear that way but they are just doing what they have to do. Also, photos are often an over-representation of what a person is day to day. I ask this to bring the anxiety down a little perhaps, if possible. And help to visualize a person who is just another person on the other side, nothing particularly special until proven otherwise.

I meant he has a high-flying job that many would die for, but the down side is he works long hours.  I was wondering whether he'd have time for anything else.

You are right, I am assuming too much about him and perhaps giving him too much status.  It shouldn't matter, I know.  I think it is an accumulation of circumstances and stresses that has brought me to a point where I feel so inadequate despite how I've coped with so much.

[spiderowl]

38 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Perfectly understandable.

I agree with @glows not to beat yourself up over it.

You may not be in the mood to date right now, but when you're ready, try again and see how it goes.

Best of luck!

Thank you.  I think the problem for me is that I'm never going to feel up to dating again and I'm not young.  I'm faced with deciding whether I want to go on alone or not and it's looking like I will be alone.  

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you.  I think the problem for me is that I'm never going to feel up to dating again and I'm not young.  I'm faced with deciding whether I want to go on alone or not and it's looking like I will be alone.  

I hear you. Sometimes though when you meet someone special, all that can change.

[Calmandfocused]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. try to sort out some of the mental and physical health problems in more satisfactory less self-defeating ways.

 You don't seem ready to date and dating apps are not appropriate for making friends. Take that off your profile when you are ready to date again.

Agree with wiseman. 
 

You’re not in the right mind set to be dating. It’s hindering rather than helping your issues. 
 

Give yourself a break and return to dating when you’re in a better place. 

[spiderowl]

6 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Agree with wiseman. 
 

You’re not in the right mind set to be dating. It’s hindering rather than helping your issues. 
 

Give yourself a break and return to dating when you’re in a better place. 

Thank you for your response, Calmandfocused.  I agree I am not in the right mind set to be dating.  I am not young though and so I have to conclude I will never be in the right mind set as I am just continually struggling with the same mental and physical issues.  To say have a break and come back to it sounds positive but I feel I am at the end of the road not the beginning.  I am facing the rest of my life alone and I have to ask myself if that's a meaningful way to live.  At the moment, I don't think so.

[glows]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you for your response, Calmandfocused.  I agree I am not in the right mind set to be dating.  I am not young though and so I have to conclude I will never be in the right mind set as I am just continually struggling with the same mental and physical issues.  To say have a break and come back to it sounds positive but I feel I am at the end of the road not the beginning.  I am facing the rest of my life alone and I have to ask myself if that's a meaningful way to live.  At the moment, I don't think so.

This is debatable and I've asked myself the same thing. I don't think you're alone in that at least! When I look back, relationships have held me back, not pushed me forwards and I don't think I was supposed to get married at all to the person I did marry. I don't even like the relationships I've had in the past. The most enjoyable times I've known was being single. The most productive and meaningful times alone, I've also spent single. So I think even though you and I are so different I can still understand where you're coming from. One day at a time.