Sweetheart11540 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 I'm middle aged and came from a marriage where things fluctuated between being emotionally abusive vs. being completely ignored. So when I met my boyfriend who showered me with attention and affection, it was a pleasant change from what I was used to. We only see each other on the weekends since he was in the middle to taking a job several hours away right when we met (to be honest, I thought it would peter out) but he drives 8 hours total every single weekend to come and see me. He stays with me every weekend and I am finding many things just overwhelming and irritating now that this has been continuing for over a year. He is someone who would do anything to help me and likes to cook for me, opens doors, brings me flowers very often etc. I likely sound like a jerk but here are the things that really bother me and I am not sure how to bring them up or if these are just signs of who he is and it can't be changed. I feel like a jerk not bringing these things up earlier. There are some things I have mentioned and I thought he would catch on, but it hasn't helped. Please tell me how you would handle this. His hygiene: I am sure he does not wipe well enough. He sits on my white leather couch in his underwear and has left poop stains on the couch. He has also got it on my white duvet. I've tried the sexy let's shower together but now he is enjoying me washing him and I still have to hand him the washcloth and tell him to wash his butt. I've tried the oooo, I love it when you smell good, and shower him with affection, trouble is he doesn't smell good unless I put the deodorant or scented oil on him. I am tired of having to do all of this and don't understand why he just doesn't do it. I calmly mentioned about the poop on the couch and said I'm concerned he has some health issues mainly and he said he would get some of those flushable wipes. He never did so I bought them and he didn't use them. I mentioned this weekend that he could use them and he actually said 'what for' like we have never discussed this. Last weekend I purposely left the poop marks on the couch for him to see just to see what he would do and so that he could see I wasn't lying about them. He did see them and when I wasn't looking, he took my dishcloth and wiped them off then put the cloth in the wash. THE DISHCLOTH!!! I ended up tossing it out. I couldn't ever use that again for dishes, washed or not. He loves to cook for me and while that sounds great, I am grossed out because I discovered that he does not wash his hands before cooking. He doesn't wash any of the vegetables either, even though I say I will be the sous chef and do it just so I have peace of mind that it has been done. He cooked last night when I was out and I said please make sure to wash everything and he said he has never gotten sick from his cooking and not washing produce or his hands so I'm sure he doesn't think it's an issue. He also does not wash his hands after blowing his nose and when he leaves, I go around and wipe down everything he likely touched. He also does not get his hair or beard trimmed regularly and his boss actually had to tell him to have it done. I like the beard but it has to be better kept than it is and trimmed regularly. His teeth brushing is very sporadic although he doesn't have bad breath. Messy: I have set up a spot in the room on a bench where he can put his suitcase and access it easily. This was after he would leave it in my entryway and I feel over it one night in the dark. But he puts it on the bed to pack. Did I mention I have a WHITE duvet? The suitcase has wheels that roll through dirt so every week I'm washing the duvet. His clothes are all over the house and I do mean all over. He takes them off and they go on the floor at the entrance, in the living room, in various spots in the bedroom and I even found his shirt in my fruit bowl this weekend. I've put his dirty clothes in a bag to help him get organized but it only lasts for one weekend and then we have them all over again. Noise: I do not like noise or talking, especially first thing in the morning but he is awake and talking a mile a minute and I cannot deal with this. At first it was nice to also meet a morning person because my ex would sleep until after noon (I know how to pick them, I realize this) but I cannot handle this much talking in the morning. He also calls me every morning at 6 a.m. I am up for work but I really have nothing to say at this time. Like can we not just text good morning, have a nice day. He will call me many many times through out the day as well just to chat. It is honestly too much. I love my alone time and need a lot of it. I live in a condo and when we go out, he is talking at full volume in the hallway. I am very quiet and I know how the sound travels in the hallway so I'm sure people can hear us and we are disturbing them. Other irritations: he leaves lights on all over my house, I've jokingly said oh I need to get my power bill down and go and turn off the lights and he sees me do this but he still leaves them on all over the place. He also leaves the toilet seat up and I've also said that I have fallen in one night and we laughed but he still leaves it up. There is also urine all over the underside of the toilet seat. How am I supposed to bring all of this up with him? It just sounds like a huge nag about everything I want him to change/fix about himself. Or should I just cut my loses and break up. He is going to be heartbroken, as he has said many times. I have also entered into a minor business arrangement with his friends, nothing I can't get out of, but I would lose that opportunity if I'm no longer with him. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) 46 minutes ago, Sweetheart11540 said: he drives 8 hours total every single weekend to come and see me. Last weekend I purposely left the poop marks on the couch for him to see just to see what he would do and so that he could see I wasn't lying about them. He did see them and when I wasn't looking, he took my dishcloth and wiped them off then put the cloth in the wash. Rather than treating him like a bad puppy and sticking his nose in it so he "learns", hop in your car and drive 8 hrs to him. If you find him so revolting and disgusting why are you worried about flowers and opening doors? Stop being the weekend BnB and drive to him. Better yet, just end it because you are incompatible. Edited August 2, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Taramere Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 47 minutes ago, Sweetheart11540 said: How am I supposed to bring all of this up with him? It just sounds like a huge nag about everything I want him to change/fix about himself. Or should I just cut my loses and break up. He is going to be heartbroken, as he has said many times. Apparently not sufficiently heartbroken to clean his pee off the loo-seat, cool it with the early morning yapping and use the bum-wipes you gave him. You're not a nag. Look, I'm not the tidiest person in the world - but reading about those poo-stains on your couch made me heave. That is absolutely disgusting. You sound like you've made a lovely home that you take a lot of care over, and this man's lack of consideration for it is quite mind boggling. Surely with everything you've listed, it's only a matter of time before you snap. I think it would be better to break up with him now, while you can still do it calmly. 3
Author Sweetheart11540 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 I left the poop on the couch so he could see if first hand, not so I could treat him like a bad puppy. I had told him about it one two occasions and nothing changed so I was taking another tactic where he could see it for himself rather than me turning into a nag about it and bringing it up yet another time. I don't have time to drive to him for 8 hours out of my weekend. He doesn't work Fridays that's why it works for him. I'm "worried" about the nice things he does for me simply for that reason - he is a nice guy. I am not high maintenance and I do a lot for him too, despite how I must have made it sound. Thanks for your b****y response. This is why I don't ask people for help.
Acacia98 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 Even if the poop stains were not a factor, you guys would be incompatible. Let him go. 3
Alfano Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 Get a dark brown coach, automated motion sensor light switches and a bidet. 2
Seliana Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 Wow, I don't know how you managed to continue this long, I'd cut him loose too. He sounds like he know he's gross and doesn't care. 4
Taramere Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 4 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: Even if the poop stains were not a factor, you guys would be incompatible. Let him go. Yes. Let him go. Release the magnificent, untamed creature into the wilderness where he can mark his territory with poop and pee and greet the early morning with enthusiastic howls. Perhaps an attractive, tolerant she-bear will take an interest in helping him to recover from whatever heartbreak ensues. 3
Author Sweetheart11540 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 1 minute ago, Seliana said: Wow, I don't know how you managed to continue this long, I'd cut him loose too. He sounds like he know he's gross and doesn't care. I'm trying to become more assertive and I would really like to discuss this with him. It just seems like a lot to spring on someone all at once. But it's essentially one topic - cleanliness/hygiene. My passive aggressive approach would be to bring it up with his friends whom I've become close to - another couple and I'm friends with the wife. I just feel like it's going behind his back and will embarrass him, although they know him better than I do and I think they already know this about him, but this is going to become a huge issues, and like the other member said, I am going to explode one of these days about all of this.
Seliana Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 7 minutes ago, Sweetheart11540 said: I'm trying to become more assertive and I would really like to discuss this with him. It just seems like a lot to spring on someone all at once. But it's essentially one topic - cleanliness/hygiene. My passive aggressive approach would be to bring it up with his friends whom I've become close to - another couple and I'm friends with the wife. I just feel like it's going behind his back and will embarrass him, although they know him better than I do and I think they already know this about him, but this is going to become a huge issues, and like the other member said, I am going to explode one of these days about all of this. I get how uncomfortable this is, trust me. I don't think you're being a jerk, because all the flowers and lovey dovey treatment in the world cannot compensate for this level of disrespect. Here's the thing though, you really can't be passive-aggressive about this (or anything really) and expect things to change, you really will explode and it won't be pretty (not that poop on the couch and DISHCLOTH is!!) Ok, so many men have different ideas of cleanliness, b/c I dealt with a bit of what you're dealing with from my exH and bf. and judging from the one male response so far, it seems almost expected, unless I'm reading that wrong. There's no comfortable way of broaching the subject, it's going to embarrass you both. Definitely do NOT involve any 3rd party, not even his mother in this conversation, if you decide to resolve this and not just break up. Honestly, I can't fathom how HE wasn't embarrassed enough to correct his behavior after seeing his literal s*** stain on your couch and on that dishcloth, OMG! It makes me thing that he's MUST worse, and that's his best behavior. Have you ever seen his place? My experience wasn't nearly as gross, it was mostly confined to the toilet, even so I made cleaning supplies easily available next to the toilet and asked straight up if he could clean up behind himself. He does (mostly), but if I EVER saw him do what your bf did, I'd have kicked him out then and there. How do you stand him any kind of intimacy? 2
glows Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 It doesn’t sound at all like he’s open to change or aware/interested in changing or altering his way of doing things. You brought the flushable wipes home but he doesn’t use them possibly because he knows they won’t work. He may be incontinent for no. 2 and needs to see a doctor to figure out a solution and it may involve surgery which is why he’s putting it off? The only reason I can think of it coming through his underwear is if he’s leaking or unable to control his bodily functions. I’m sorry you have to deal with this and that he’s not dealing with it himself or aware of how it affects others. The most you can do is talk with him or end the relationship if you’re so grossed out. 3
Lola Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 Oh dear!! I’m just sick reading, I can’t imagine how you feel having this situation in your house. He probably has an intestinal infection caused by bad hygiene (eating with dirty hands, cooking without washing the vegetables, etc) I think you have to be very honest, clear and direct. You already tried to let him know in a nice way and he didn’t understand or ignored it, but you have to tell him how hygiene is very important for you and if he can’t change the way he lives you have to move on. Don’t feel guilty to break up just because he does other good things, if he really loves you and respect you he will try very hard to improve. 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Sweetheart11540 said: I left the poop on the couch so he could see if first hand, not so I could treat him like a bad puppy. I had told him about it one two occasions and nothing changed How old is he? Does he have medical problems? Have you ever been to his home? What does it look like? Don't mimic or become like your ex. Sometimes you're in that situation for so long you start to act like them without realizing it.. 1
Author Sweetheart11540 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Seliana said: I don't think you're being a jerk, because all the flowers and lovey dovey treatment in the world cannot compensate for this level of disrespect. Definitely do NOT involve any 3rd party. Have you ever seen his place? How do you stand him any kind of intimacy? You make an interesting point that this is also disrespect, something I put up with from my ex. I feel I need to be a lot more direct about things rather than beat around the bush or try to soften the blow with laughter. He's just not getting it, but at the same time I don't want to be seen as a nag and yet I cannot stand this. I have hesitated about talking to his friend's wife about it as it is humiliating and I don't know his mom well enough to bring this up with her so there's no risk of that either. I have not been to his place. It is definitely affecting our intimacy and I do everything I can to avoid it. I honestly thought things would fade away once he moved, but then he put in so much effort to come down each weekend, and I do like him as a person. I'm going to either have to let it go and be alone or talk to him and see if what I'm saying actually gets through and means something.
ShyViolet Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 What on earth? How are you still with this guy and letting him stay in your house? Do you have really low self esteem? I literally don't understand how you could stay with someone like this, especially the hygiene stuff. This is absolutely disgusting. And he doesn't seem to care or have a problem with it. 3 1
Author Sweetheart11540 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 1 minute ago, ShyViolet said: What on earth? How are you still with this guy and letting him stay in your house? Do you have really low self esteem? I literally don't understand how you could stay with someone like this, especially the hygiene stuff. This is absolutely disgusting. And he doesn't seem to care or have a problem with it. Yeah, I read over what I wrote and can't believe it myself. If I read that written by someone else I would wonder about them too. 2
Author Sweetheart11540 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Don't mimic or become like your ex. Sometimes you're in that situation for so long you start to act like them without realizing it.. Believe me, there is no risk of that. I would never treat someone the way I was treated. That's why I am trying to deal with this gently and it's not working.
Seliana Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 29 minutes ago, Sweetheart11540 said: You make an interesting point that this is also disrespect, something I put up with from my ex. I feel I need to be a lot more direct about things rather than beat around the bush or try to soften the blow with laughter. He's just not getting it, but at the same time I don't want to be seen as a nag and yet I cannot stand this. I have hesitated about talking to his friend's wife about it as it is humiliating and I don't know his mom well enough to bring this up with her so there's no risk of that either. I have not been to his place. It is definitely affecting our intimacy and I do everything I can to avoid it. I honestly thought things would fade away once he moved, but then he put in so much effort to come down each weekend, and I do like him as a person. I'm going to either have to let it go and be alone or talk to him and see if what I'm saying actually gets through and means something. The reason I said disrespect was because you already asked nicely, and provided wipes. That was an opportunity for him to speak up if he was having medical issues or to apologize. However, he used a dishcloth to "clean up" behind your back, that alone shows he knows what he does upsets you and doesn't care enough to make an effort when he's in your home. I shudder to think what he would expect if you two were to move in together... If you're already avoiding intimacy, what's the point in continuing with a relationship? I was half expecting you to tell me he has a magic dick and lays down some solid pipe as the reason you're putting up with this manbearpig. I'm not trying to ridicule you, just point out that you're not being unreasonable in your expectations, I think you're settling for too little. How about you make a list of the things that bother you, tell him you really like him, but there are some things you seriously cannot deal with any longer and hand him the list if you don't want to break up just yet? 2
poppyfields Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 (edited) 47 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: What on earth? How are you still with this guy and letting him stay in your house? Do you have really low self esteem? I literally don't understand how you could stay with someone like this, especially the hygiene stuff. This is absolutely disgusting. And he doesn't seem to care or have a problem with it. I agree with this^ and also must ask - why are you treating him with kid gloves, walking on eggshells so as to not hurt HIS feelings???? I am typically not this blunt OR this harsh but he's GROSS! Flat out gross and disgusting, how were you not utterly repulsed and turned off by this behaviour? Nevermind disrespect, it's just GROSS!!! Come on now @Sweetheart11540, he's a grown ass man (pun intended) not your child you have to teach to behave like a human being. I am literally dumbfounded that not only are you still choosing to remain with this person, but that you are actually scrambling, find ways to talk to him without hurting his feelings. This is one of those situations where you don't need to mince words or worry about "hurting his feelings." You tell him his behavior is gross, and if he can't wipe himself properly like a grown up, to NOT sit on your couch in his underwear soiling your beautiful couch OR just dump him which is what I personally would do - major turn off and deal breaker! Lord have mercy. Edited August 3, 2021 by poppyfields 2
ShyViolet Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 I totally agree with @poppyfields, it's just baffling that you are worrying about being "gentle" and "nice" about this. My goodness, if these things were happening to me I'd be telling the guy that we are done and he's not ever welcome back, there would be no mincing of words. I don't care how nice he treats you, opening doors and getting you flowers..... that stuff is completely irrelevant in light of these problems. It's one thing to be nice, but OP you are being a doormat and it doesn't sound like you have much self-respect. No one with an ounce of self-respect would accept this and stay with a person like this. Once you break up with this guy you should do some serious self-reflection or maybe therapy before you date again. 1
Coasting1991 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 I am so confused about the poop on the couch. Like, was he sitting naked on your couch? How the hell does that escape underwear to the point that it smears onto the couch??? I agree with everyone above OP, I don't see you both as compatible. I can't imagine what his place looks like. And like others have said, he doesn't even seem to be embarrassed about it... 2
Author Sweetheart11540 Posted August 3, 2021 Author Posted August 3, 2021 43 minutes ago, Coasting1991 said: I am so confused about the poop on the couch. Like, was he sitting naked on your couch? How the does that escape underwear to the point that it smears onto the couch??? I agree with everyone above OP, I don't see you both as compatible. I can't imagine what his place looks like. And like others have said, he doesn't even seem to be embarrassed about it... He sits on the couch in his underwear or in his pajamas and that's when it happens. The only thing I can think of is he does not wipe enough. I don't know how else it would happen.
Author Sweetheart11540 Posted August 3, 2021 Author Posted August 3, 2021 (edited) Everyone has asked in some form why I am trying to gently break this to him. I guess it's because in my marriage, whenever something bothered me and I wanted to discuss it with my husband - honestly discuss like two adults, not freak out on him - he would turn nasty and say bad things about me and call me selfish when I didn't give in to him. I've learned to not rock the boat or I'm going to end up alone. Honestly, I don't know why I am putting up with this. I was so glad when this long weekend was over so he would leave and I could get everything cleaned up. I am not an obsessive neat person but I need things to feel clean. I'm going to have to discuss this with him. And I guess if nothing changes the next time we see each other, then there is no reason to continue this. Being alone is better than struggling with all of these irritations. Edited August 3, 2021 by Sweetheart11540 2
glows Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 That you haven't been over to visit him is a bit telling. Wouldn't you be alarmed or disturbed or curious about the way a man you're dating lives? I wouldn't speak to anyone about this at all (not his friends or friend's gf, family relative etc). It's not their problem. It has the propensity to humiliate someone who may just not be all that stable or aware to begin with. Prepare for nothing changing as it appears he's comfortable behaving the way he does or leaving things as they are when he makes a mess. It doesn't seem like has any awareness of what he's leaving behind or trying to remedy whatever is going on with himself. To add to my earlier post, if he does have a medical issue, why is he in such denial or why won't he get checked out more thoroughly or seek for more answers? You also mentioned a few times about your ex and previous relationship. It doesn't sound like you've completely healed or recovered from your abusive marriage. These choices are choices that you're making for yourself. Give yourself more time to heal and surround yourself with people who care about you genuinely. Don't fall for abusers and strange men who mistreat you or your home. 2
Recommended Posts