Amanda92 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 I'm sorry, but I don't understand. He wants to meet - you don't have time. He doesn't have time because of friends - you see this as a problem. You both initiate meetings- that's okay. You stop texting - he is worried. He was busy with moving, so you didn't meet - that's understandable. You changed something on your profile - so you were using it - now you are worrying that he may date others. You didn't say too much, but in my opinion it looks that he care more and you don't show interest. Obviously I may be wrong, but do you think that you communicate your interest? Or maybe you play that you don't care?
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 3, 2021 Author Posted August 3, 2021 @Amanda92 my location changed on my profile I know because I was moving about. He saw it obviously as he was active on the apps. I do have time to meet but he is either busy or out with friends. I play my interest, ask if he wants to do things when he has more time but I get no concrete plans from him. I think I am getting my own answers here, like many of you said I am wasting my time.
glows Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 He’s dating you casually. If this doesn’t work for you then yes, you’re wasting your time. I don’t multi-date when dating, by the way. If you don’t do it look for someone more similar to you in your habit or approach. You don’t have to agree to keep seeing anyone whom you don’t like or can’t be turned on with whether due to action or inaction.
chillii Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 (edited) Ahhh love that, he's shown signs of insecurity , yours are all through your post and you've even starting a thread on the internet about it no less, l mean ummm. Anyway bf , whatever you wanna call his flags everyone has them even you as we see but tbh , who knows if he's seeing anyone else speaking of more insecurities but sorry to say , he's just not that into you it's not going anywhere. Unfortunately if you want something that is then he's not the man but,,, surely that was obvious . Edited August 3, 2021 by chillii
Acacia98 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 16 hours ago, Quizfan12 said: The thing is, when I do initiate dates or ask if he is free he says I have plans, or I am seeing my friends, going for coffee with a friend etc. When I then say ok, let me know when you are free - I go off and do something myself (as he is busy) he then gets weird with me that I never asked him to come along. His replies to my messages are getting sparse, and I have just out this down to him sorting things for his new apartment but now I am thinking what a lot of you have said about him losing interest is true. This is way too complicated. I get the sense that he is holding you to a higher standard than himself. And it sounds like he's more interested in judging you negatively (in a somewhat subtle way) than in actually enjoying your company. You go on to mention in a later comment that you're not happy. That's not surprising, you know? He's not being kind to you. Your unhappiness is enough reason to show yourself some love and move on from this dating situation. Don't stay too long. The experience is already doing damage to your self-esteem. 16 hours ago, Alpaca said: He's playing games. Yeah. 16 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I agree with this. He’s keeping you on his string. Also, you are a pretty lady, Alpaca. This whole time I was imagining you as an alpaca and I was really off. 1
Fletch Lives Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 If you don't know where it's going after two months, it's probably going nowhere.
spiderowl Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 23 hours ago, Quizfan12 said: So I have been dating a guy for 2 months who I met online. He had previously been in a long relationship 2 years ago and said he just wants to date and see where things go. We haven’t properly DTR. In the beginning, we were meeting up on dates most of the time and he was very eager to see me. Lately he has been busy moving apartments, but he never makes any time for me or initiates plans. He has shown some signs of insecurity in the past, wanting to know a lot about my previous relationships and getting a bit upset if I make plans without him/with my friend. We are both on dating sites/apps (I am not using mine) About a month in to dating he asked if I was still on them as he saw something change on my profile. I said no, I might get rid of one of them as I am not using it. He said ‘that’s a bit hasty’. I didn’t know how to take that. The thing is he is always busy with friends, but when he is with them, he is absolutely silent and has no communication with me. I keep making this narrative in my head that he is seeing other people. I haven’t directly confronted him but a while back he did say that he wasn’t comfortable dating multiple people. Am I just making things up in my head, should I just chill? The bits in bold above say it all, OP. He is not initiating or making plans with you. He is always busy with others. You are not making anything up. You just need to find someone who will be there for you. This guy is emotionally (and physically) unavailable, by the sound of it. You deserve better. 1
poppyfields Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 (edited) 22 hours ago, d0nnivain said: It's not being clingy or needy to ask to have your needs met in a relationship, unless those needs are unhealthy like I want 24/7 attention from somebody all the time. Except they are not in a relationship, they are casually dating from what it appears. For two months. These early stages are not the time to be negotiating needs and such, imho. It's the time to evaluate whether someone is the right fit for long term assuming that is what you want, ultimately. @Quizfan12, I don't think he is intentionally "playing games," why is this always the 'go to' when two people simply aren't on the same wavelength? This is obvious to me based on what's been posted. Both your communications styles s*ck (at least with each other) and you are on completely different wavelengths. When you 'pulled back' and he noticed, why was your response you thought HE was busy? Is he the commander-n-chief of why you behave and react as you do? Why not say YOU've been busy, and have that be the truth, not said as a game to get a reaction. Once again on LS, he's getting a bad rap. He's the "bad guy", he's disrespectful, a bad 'boyfriend' whatever. It takes two, and again what I see are two people who don't know how to communicate with each other effectively, and on different wavelengths. At only two months in, my advice is stop blaming him, own your role, and either communicate with him, not about what you need, much too soon for that not to mention, it's not his job to fulfill your needs, it's your job to fulfill your own needs. But rather, if you are confused about something, a particular behaviour, ask HIM, discuss with him. Have an honest, open dialogue and exchange of ideas. It may be total opposite of what you're thinking. OR, wish him well and end it. Best of luck whatever you decide. Edited August 3, 2021 by poppyfields 2
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 @poppyfields I agree with you but want to clarify what I mean by it being OK to ask for what you want. I am not a huge texter. It's my least favorite way to communicate. So in the beginning of a relationship if somebody was texting me too much (too much being a wholly subjective standard as measured by me alone), I would say something like "I appreciate you wanting to stay in touch & being interested. I do like you but I'm feeing a bit smothered which is peculiar to me & not your fault or your problem but would you mind dialing it back a bit, please? Every other day is fine for me. Also I prefer actual phone calls. I like to hear your voice. How do you feel about any of that?" Odds are I will have to endure more texts & fewer phone calls to make this work but in a good give & take, I will get more phone calls then I presently enjoy & I will learn to be OK with more texts than I want. Part of assessing compatibility early on is the ability to talk about expectations. It may be too early for the heavy stuff like kids, finances & shared division of labor but it's OK to pipe up & say I'd like to see you occasionally on a weeknight, can we talk on the phone more / less; I'd like to go out for Chinese food instead of pub grub tonight. My point remains that you have to speak up. Communication is a two way street. You can't stay silent & then be annoyed when the new person didn't read your mind. Now after almost 13 years of marriage I can silently communicate to my husband some peeve or need but in the beginning -- 1st couple of years -- I would never expect him to know or understand what I wanted unless I used my words. 1
poppyfields Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: @poppyfields I agree with you but want to clarify what I mean by it being OK to ask for what you want. I am not a huge texter. It's my least favorite way to communicate. So in the beginning of a relationship if somebody was texting me too much (too much being a wholly subjective standard as measured by me alone), I would say something like "I appreciate you wanting to stay in touch & being interested. I do like you but I'm feeing a bit smothered which is peculiar to me & not your fault or your problem but would you mind dialing it back a bit, please? Every other day is fine for me. Also I prefer actual phone calls. I like to hear your voice. How do you feel about any of that?" Odds are I will have to endure more texts & fewer phone calls to make this work but in a good give & take, I will get more phone calls then I presently enjoy & I will learn to be OK with more texts than I want. Part of assessing compatibility early on is the ability to talk about expectations. It may be too early for the heavy stuff like kids, finances & shared division of labor but it's OK to pipe up & say I'd like to see you occasionally on a weeknight, can we talk on the phone more / less; I'd like to go out for Chinese food instead of pub grub tonight. My point remains that you have to speak up. Communication is a two way street. You can't stay silent & then be annoyed when the new person didn't read your mind. Now after almost 13 years of marriage I can silently communicate to my husband some peeve or need but in the beginning -- 1st couple of years -- I would never expect him to know or understand what I wanted unless I used my words. Ok, thanks for clarifying! I agree with what you wrote - communication. For some couples, it's almost effortless, for others it's a struggle. When it's been a struggle, and so early in, for me, I chalk it up to lack of chemistry and incompatibility and again different wavelengths. Chemistry is not just about the physical, it's everything, including how easily we are able to simply talk to each other! Anyway, again, good luck whatever you decide Quizfan. 1
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 3, 2021 Author Posted August 3, 2021 @poppyfields I agree with the communication aspect and I think that is something we are at a miss with. There has been times when he has switched the blame to me and became pretty angry for not arranging plans with him (when he has told me he was busy so naturally I wouldn’t) I tossed it back to him and said that he can always ask me if I am free as it works both ways. Anyway, I think I have my answer as he is messaging me back less and less and now making excuses too if I try and make plans with him. Lesson learned. 2
Amanda92 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 You may be right, but you didn't specify, so I am confused. How long he doesn't have time to meet? When was the last time he invited you somewhere?
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 3, 2021 Author Posted August 3, 2021 @Amanda92 a week ago only after I suggested we meet up. A lot of it feels like getting blood out of a stone. Usually he is out drinking with friends or work colleagues.
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 2 hours ago, Quizfan12 said: I think I have my answer as he is messaging me back less and less and now making excuses too if I try and make plans with him. Exactly. You don't need a bolt of lighting to hit you to know there's a thunderstorm. In this case his lameness tells you all you need to know in order to simply delete and block him. 3
Eva1990 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Quizfan12 said: @Amanda92 a week ago only after I suggested we meet up. A lot of it feels like getting blood out of a stone. Usually he is out drinking with friends or work colleagues. Follow your instincts. If you feel that something changed, you are probably right. 1
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 9, 2021 Author Posted August 9, 2021 Just an update. So I had a DTR conversation with him as I was so confused and anxious with how everything was. He said he didn’t want a relationship in the future and couldn’t commit to anything, but liked how things were between us. I said I wanted a relationship and some commitment ultimately so couldn’t work with anything less. He has now asked me to think about it and reconsider. I feel everything he has said has validated my concerns and I just can’t move forward with still seeing each other.
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