Qfan12_ Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) So I have been dating a guy for 2 months who I met online. He had previously been in a long relationship 2 years ago and said he just wants to date and see where things go. We haven’t properly DTR. In the beginning, we were meeting up on dates most of the time and he was very eager to see me. Lately he has been busy moving apartments, but he never makes any time for me or initiates plans. He has shown some signs of insecurity in the past, wanting to know a lot about my previous relationships and getting a bit upset if I make plans without him/with my friend. We are both on dating sites/apps (I am not using mine) About a month in to dating he asked if I was still on them as he saw something change on my profile. I said no, I might get rid of one of them as I am not using it. He said ‘that’s a bit hasty’. I didn’t know how to take that. The thing is he is always busy with friends, but when he is with them, he is absolutely silent and has no communication with me. I keep making this narrative in my head that he is seeing other people. I haven’t directly confronted him but a while back he did say that he wasn’t comfortable dating multiple people. Am I just making things up in my head, should I just chill? Edited August 2, 2021 by Quizfan12 Spelling mistake
Calmandfocused Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 Yes he may well be seeing other people. It sounds like that to me. A man who is very interested in you will not wait 2 months to make up his mind about you. The fact he is actively encouraging you to stay on the dating sites speaks volumes. This and the slow fade. He’s stringing you along and has no intention of being in a relationship with you. He’s telling you that loud and clear by his behaviour. Find someone else. 6
Alpacalia Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 42 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said: but he never makes any time for me or initiates plans. You're not truly "dating" if that's the case. 5
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 This is all very casual & ill-defined at this point. You are dating in the sense that occasionally get together to enjoy an activity together, the definition of "date", but you are not committed, you are not exclusive & you are not BF/GF. I see no problem with him not contacting you while he's out with friends. I am a firm believer that you pay attention to the live human being in front of you not your phone. It might be nice if he reached out to you before he went out to wish you a fun evening or if he sent a quick good night text when he got home safely but you don't seem to be high enough on his radar for that. You talk about him being busy moving apartments. How long does that take? OK the boxing up & getting ready to move may take several weeks but the move itself should be 1-2 days / a weekend. Have you seen the new place? Have you offered to help? You want to be building toward being part of each other's lives. If he's responding when you initiate, at the conclusion of the next date toss the ball back into his court -- "Why don't you plan our next outing? I'm free on [day of the week]." Do not confront him about the current status of what you have going on. Confront is an ugly aggressive word but you can talk to him. If you want things to progress, giving a little nudge is just fine. 1
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 I have seen his apartment and I did offer to help but he didn’t really accept it. I tried to take a step back from him last week as no one like someone who is pestering. He did seem to to notice a bit as he mentioned I went quiet, I did say I knew your were going to be busy.I just don’t know how to strike the right chord really. He has said in the past he never knows my plans or what I am doing, yet I am always clear if I am free.
clia Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Quizfan12 said: So I have been dating a guy for 2 months who I met online. He had previously been in a long relationship 2 years ago and said he just wants to date and see where things go. We haven’t properly DTR. In the beginning, we were meeting up on dates most of the time and he was very eager to see me. Lately he has been busy moving apartments, but he never makes any time for me or initiates plans. He has shown some signs of insecurity in the past, wanting to know a lot about my previous relationships and getting a bit upset if I make plans without him/with my friend. We are both on dating sites/apps (I am not using mine) About a month in to dating he asked if I was still on them as he saw something change on my profile. I said no, I might get rid of one of them as I am not using it. He said ‘that’s a bit hasty’. I didn’t know how to take that. The thing is he is always busy with friends, but when he is with them, he is absolutely silent and has no communication with me. I keep making this narrative in my head that he is seeing other people. I haven’t directly confronted him but a while back he did say that he wasn’t comfortable dating multiple people. Am I just making things up in my head, should I just chill? If he's not making time for you or initiating plans, that is definitely a red flag. Sounds like he is not very interested. He may or may not be seeing other people, but it really doesn't matter if he is or not since he isn't showing any signs of moving the relationship along. IMO, move on and date others. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said: I have seen his apartment and I did offer to help but he didn’t really accept it. I tried to take a step back from him last week as no one like someone who is pestering. He did seem to to notice a bit as he mentioned I went quiet, I did say I knew your were going to be busy.I just don’t know how to strike the right chord really. He has said in the past he never knows my plans or what I am doing, yet I am always clear if I am free. In that case it sounds like he's more of the problem & he's not willing to make the effort. Staying where you are . . . at that point a step back . . . sounds like the right chord. I'd fire up that app if I were you & go out with a 2nd man. Sounds like you have the time.
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) Looks like the tap is being turned off.....I would move on. Edited August 2, 2021 by smackie9 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 2 hours ago, Quizfan12 said: So I have been dating a guy for 2 months who I met online. He had previously been in a long relationship 2 years ago and said he just wants to date and see where things go. If this is unacceptable to you, bid him farewell. Don't paly games with dating apps etc., if what you wish to have is an exclusive dating situation/relationship. He seems to be interested in casual. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Quizfan12 said: I have seen his apartment and I did offer to help but he didn’t really accept it. I tried to take a step back from him last week as no one like someone who is pestering. He did seem to to notice a bit as he mentioned I went quiet, I did say I knew your were going to be busy.I just don’t know how to strike the right chord really. He has said in the past he never knows my plans or what I am doing, yet I am always clear if I am free. a few things to realize and consider…. 1 why did he move? Was it financial and couldn’t afford the new place? Moving causes major stress 2. helping him move or unpack opens up potentially very personal things he might not be ready to share like the box of porn. Or if he already has clise friends helping, he’s not ready to introduce you to them yet. 3. he could be still dating, hiw reaction to you saying it’s too soon implies he’s not ready to take down hus profile. 4. In 2 months of dating you don’t know if this is LTR stuff yet. 5. he’s asking questions to learn stuff about you. 6. if he was the date initiator early on, he’s likely looking at you to initiate the date planning which shows your commit level cs just doing it with him because it’s free to you. 1
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 The thing is, when I do initiate dates or ask if he is free he says I have plans, or I am seeing my friends, going for coffee with a friend etc. When I then say ok, let me know when you are free - I go off and do something myself (as he is busy) he then gets weird with me that I never asked him to come along. His replies to my messages are getting sparse, and I have just out this down to him sorting things for his new apartment but now I am thinking what a lot of you have said about him losing interest is true. I am very wary to jump to conclusions and throw in the towel and have myself proved wrong. I guess I am just seeking opinion to challenge my own thoughts really.
Alpacalia Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 3 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said: The thing is, when I do initiate dates or ask if he is free he says I have plans, or I am seeing my friends, going for coffee with a friend etc. When I then say ok, let me know when you are free - I go off and do something myself (as he is busy) he then gets weird with me that I never asked him to come along. He's playing games. 3
Miss Spider Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Alpaca said: He's playing games. I agree with this. He’s keeping you on his string. Also, you are a pretty lady, Alpaca. This whole time I was imagining you as an alpaca and I was really off. Edited August 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 1 minute ago, Quizfan12 said: The thing is, when I do initiate dates or ask if he is free he says I have plans, or I am seeing my friends, going for coffee with a friend etc. When I then say ok, let me know when you are free - I go off and do something myself (as he is busy) he then gets weird with me that I never asked him to come along. Does he ask you to come along when he is out with friends? If yes, do you go? If not, why not? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. He can't have the double standard. If he wants you to invite him along, he has to invite you. I'm not saying throw in the towel but I am advocating that you multi-date at this point or otherwise sit him down & talk about each other's expectations. There is a way to do this without being clingy. I'd say something along the lines of "Can you clarify a few things for me, please? You are often busy with friends & don't invite me along which is fine but then you get all hurt & weird when I make plans with my friends & don't include you. It kinda of feels unfair like you expect me to just sit home & wait for you." See what he says to that. Then segue into "Can we talk about how frequently we see each other? I feel like I always initiate which makes me wonder if I'm stepping on your toes or if you just can't be bothered. I'm OK with this pace but that means we are not exclusive & both free to see others, right? If not, I'd prefer that you schedule more dates. I like you & enjoy spending time with you but if that's too much pressure, I'm good here for now but this ill defined casual thing won't sustain me forever." It's not being clingy or needy to ask to have your needs met in a relationship, unless those needs are unhealthy like I want 24/7 attention from somebody all the time. 2
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 @d0nnivain thank you for your advice. I like how you have worded everything. No he never invites me along. He even told me that he thought one of his friends was interested in him, but that soon got shut down when she was talking to him about her boyfriend. I think if I do see him at any point, I will most definitely ask to clarify things. It making me unhappy and I certainly can’t carry on like this. 1
mark clemson Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 It sounds like he's busy (moving) and also isn't quite sure what he wants WRT you. Since you're an adult, I'm going to assume you've had sex with him. So, YOU have advanced the relationship. Now it sounds like it's at the point where HE isn't advancing it further to exclusivity. Give him enough breathing room to settle down in his new place, etc. Then, if exclusivity/a "real" BF-GF relationship is what you want, ask him for that. If he won't commit, you have your answer and should probably move on.
glows Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 43 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said: @d0nnivain thank you for your advice. I like how you have worded everything. No he never invites me along. He even told me that he thought one of his friends was interested in him, but that soon got shut down when she was talking to him about her boyfriend. I think if I do see him at any point, I will most definitely ask to clarify things. It making me unhappy and I certainly can’t carry on like this. I would say he likes your company but you’re not someone he’d be crazy about. I wouldn’t see him again, drop cold turkey and stop answering any texts/calls. He had his chance. Move on. 1
Kai_Kai Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 5 hours ago, Quizfan12 said: So I have been dating a guy for 2 months who I met online. He had previously been in a long relationship 2 years ago and said he just wants to date and see where things go. We haven’t properly DTR. In the beginning, we were meeting up on dates most of the time and he was very eager to see me. Lately he has been busy moving apartments, but he never makes any time for me or initiates plans. He has shown some signs of insecurity in the past, wanting to know a lot about my previous relationships and getting a bit upset if I make plans without him/with my friend. We are both on dating sites/apps (I am not using mine) About a month in to dating he asked if I was still on them as he saw something change on my profile. I said no, I might get rid of one of them as I am not using it. He said ‘that’s a bit hasty’. I didn’t know how to take that. The thing is he is always busy with friends, but when he is with them, he is absolutely silent and has no communication with me. I keep making this narrative in my head that he is seeing other people. I haven’t directly confronted him but a while back he did say that he wasn’t comfortable dating multiple people. Am I just making things up in my head, should I just chill? Hmm he did say that "he wants to date and see where things go" essentially that means that you guys are not exclusive. You should have kept your dating profile up and told him you're exploring other options because he is just that an option.
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 Usually twice a week, but as the past week we only met up at the weekend for an afternoon as he was moving last week. He has pretty much been busy/absent with messages the end part of the week as usually he messages throughout the day,
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 4 hours ago, Quizfan12 said: I think if I do see him at any point, I will most definitely ask to clarify things. It making me unhappy and I certainly can’t carry on like this. Ok, if you aren't ready to cut your losses you could limp along awhile and talk hoping you can fix and change him. It depends on how much time you're willing to spend on a losing proposition, rather than invest in someone you're happier with.
Author Qfan12_ Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 @Amanda92 sometimes he does, sometimes I do. As well, If I go quiet on him, he wonders what’s up.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 The behavior you describe are beyond red flag. Red monument. Dump this guy. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 Yes agree he is playing games and a poor communicator. If it were me judging him, I would say he is a crappy boyfriend aka does not know how to treat a lady with care and respect. Big red flag. Waste of time as ultimately you will be unhappy. After two months of dating and a guy treated me that way, I would wish him luck and say bye.
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