Confused62 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 Hi, I have been in a relationship with a lady for several years. We are close. We are both in our 50's and have been married before. Our children are grown. Other info. We live about 45 minutes apart She has a condo I have a house I am employed and make a good living She was employed until middle of last year. She has been out on leave for a year but is bringing in about $50K/year from a variety of sources I have her on my health insurance, dental and vision I pay her cell phone bill and her 22 year old daughters I paid $700 for vet visits for her dog this year I buy her groceries periodically I pay for every meal out I pay all expenses on vacation She has just bought a rent house and I cut the grass every week and also have helped her work on it I stay overnight at her house about 2 or 3 nights per week. If I do, I typically pay for anything we do as well as grocery runs, dining out, etc. I perpetually hear from her that various family and friends ask her if I help her with her bills. I think I am being more than fair. Should I be doing/paying more, less? I would like some opinions/advice. Thanks. 2 1
Love Yourself First Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 That is extremely disrespectful her friends and family sound toxic as hell 2
glows Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 You’ve been dating for several years and both have your own income I presume. Why is it anyone’s business how you spend your money? And why does she repeat idle gossip and questions from her friends/family back to you? Does she feel plagued or guilty? This is really between the both of you as a couple. I’d be more concerned about why my partner seems overly concerned about what other people think. 3
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 You already do a LOT. More than most I would venture. Why she entertains Qs from anybody about your financial contributions is beyond me. I'd tell her she needs to tell them to MYOB. 2
Donnas Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 The way you discribe her you guys are not a couple? You call her a lady and not gf. She is not your wife .She got her own money. You are paying to much for someone that is not even your wife. You can pay few times when you go out for diner and that is enough. Be alert that she is not using you.And what are youuuu getting out of this and from her????? Are they just using u as a Atm machine? You need good friends and family around you, to call you to reality once in a while and know what your relationship is like so they can warn you when you may get blind in it. Money cant buy love. And why arent you guys married?She find you good for paying her stuff but not to marry you and treat you like a prince? Her family sounds golddiggers asking about money when i look at the list you paying. And they not even your kids. Smh. 2
Lola Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 1. What happens in your relation isn’t her family’s business so they don’t have to ask about money. 2. You’re giving her a lot, too much, more than you should. I totally agree with everyone who has commented 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 I think you are contributing an awful lot. 3 hours ago, Confused62 said: I perpetually hear from her that various family and friends ask her if I help her with her bills Why do they keep asking her this? 2
Taramere Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Confused62 said: I perpetually hear from her that various family and friends ask her if I help her with her bills. I think I am being more than fair. Should I be doing/paying more, less? I would like some opinions/advice. Thanks. It sounds as though other people's opinions - namely her family & friends' - are a big part of what's creating an issue here. there's something tempting about raising an issue with "my boss/friend/sister/cousin thinks..." because it involves making somebody else the bad guy raising a difficult issue. I think whenever somebody uses that approach, you need to get to the heart of "but what do you think?" After all, other people's thoughts on our personal arrangements tend to be based on what we have told those other people about our personal arrangements. Not always, of course. There are always those people who will muscle in and give a negative view of a new partner/arrangement without having had any invitation to do so...but I think most of the time people's opinions are a reflection of the mindset and perceptions of the person giving them info about the situation they're voicing an opinion about. On a purely practical level, I spend far more on things like food and entertainment than I do on household bills. So if somebody were coming to stay with me for 3 days and they paid for all the groceries during that time (which I wouldn't expect them to), that would vastly outweigh the cost of any electricity or gas they used during that time. So unless you staying with her results in a significant increase in utilities (if you had an electric car you always charged up at hers, or did something else that used up an unusual amount of power) then you're more than paying your way by buying all the groceries and paying for activities. You sound like an intelligent guy who is more than capable of working out what's fair and reasonable. On a purely mathematical basis, it's hard to see how she isn't doing significantly better, financially, out of this arrangement than you are. Especially given that you pay for health insurance, phone bills and footed a fairly substantial vet's bill. But she (via all these people whose thoughts - or alleged thoughts - she's sharing with you) seems to be hinting that it's not enough. I'd be inclined to say to her that you're getting this message from her that she and other people close to her believe that you are getting more than you're giving out of this relationship and arrangement and that it's something the two of you are going to need to sit down and have a chat about since you certainly don't want her to feel in any way exploited (note, I am absolutely not suggesting that you're exploiting her...I'm just reacting to the "her friends and family are saying" stuff). Then make a time for that chat so that you can both mentally and emotionally prepare for it. I think it's always easy to see people's friends and family - and the opinions they bring with them - as the spoilers of a relationship that would otherwise be good. But all too often, these people are just convenient vessels for a person to voice thoughts, feelings and opinions that they don't want to take ownership over. "My mother thinks...my friends say..." etc. So when she's doing that, I'd switch the focus away from what these other people (allegedly) think and believe, and emphasise that her thoughts, feelings, opinions and happiness are what counts with you...and you want to know about them. Not about what other people have to say on the matter. Edited August 2, 2021 by Taramere 3
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 4 hours ago, Confused62 said: .She has been out on leave for a year but is bringing in about $50K/year from a variety of sources I have her on my health insurance, dental and vision How can she be on your health insurance plan if you are not married or domestic partners? Check the laws regarding insurance fraud. Why is she out on leave? 3
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) There are cheaper ways to have companionship than what you are paying for now. Edited August 2, 2021 by smackie9 2
stillafool Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 What exactly are you getting out of this relationship????? She is using you and it's not fair. Get someone who knows how to handle their business and take care of themselves. If she took a leave from her job she should have made sure she could support herself as it is not your problem. Dump her. 2
SumGuy Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 11 hours ago, Confused62 said: Hi, I have been in a relationship with a lady for several years. We are close. We are both in our 50's and have been married before. Our children are grown. Other info.... I pay her cell phone bill and her 22 year old daughters I paid $700 for vet visits for her dog this year .... I pay all expenses on vacation To me these are way outside the norm. On vacation (assuming you pay for airfare and hotel. etc., the big costs items, she should pick up little things here and there) Her and her children's phone bills are their own business, as well as care for her dog. Especially as she bring in $50K a year, add to that... Quote She has just bought a rent house and I cut the grass every week and also have helped her work on it What! If she has enough money to invest in real estate she can pay for much more. She is building equity and an income stream while you take care of her expenses and help her increase and maintain the value of the property...very unfair. It is not so much mowing the lawn and being handy (chicks dig that) it is you are paying for her day to day living. Quote I perpetually hear from her that various family and friends ask her if I help her with her bills. I think I am being more than fair. You are way beyond fair into near sugar daddy territory. What her friends and family asking raises more red flags than a May Day parade in the USSR. Quote Should I be doing/paying more, less? I would like some opinions/advice. Thanks. Do what you can afford and feel comfortable with. You have a lot of room here to cut back and still be more than fair ("fair" is each paying for their own living expenses and splitting the cost of together activities, possibly prorated based on relative income or if one person wants to do something the other really cannot afford...like big vacation). I'd give some thought if this person is simply a gold digger...if so just wait for the "a real man" would pay once you suggest not paying for something. 3
Alvi Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 There must be a very good reason why you are paying for everything. And paying for her grown up daughter too. Whatever that is, it seems to be working for you, otherwise you would have left her long time ago. You two are not even married, so I hope you are well aware that most things that you are paying for her are not your responsibility. But if you choose to have the sugar daddy-sugar baby type of a relationship, so be it. Either end it or forever hold your peace.
Calmandfocused Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 Right! We know how your lady friend feels about your money, but how does she feel about you? What on Earth has her daughters phone bill got to do with you? Why on Earth are you paying it???!!!! My opinion is that she’s taking you for a mug and you’re letting her do it. Think about it; despite not working she’s got enough cash to buy another house. Probably because she’s got you funding her lifestyle. Nice for her isn’t it? So does she pay for groceries for your house or financially support any of your children? My hunch would be no. My ex husband didn’t pay for any of those things for me whilst we were married,,never mind when we were just dating and living separately. She’s not your wife, nor your financial responsibility. Deep down you know you’re being taken advantage of which is why you’re posting this thread.
Kai_Kai Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 She has made you into her own personal ATM. You need to do wayyyy less and do not enable this entitled behavior. 1
Author Confused62 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Posted August 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Alvi said: There must be a very good reason why you are paying for everything. And paying for her grown up daughter too. Whatever that is, it seems to be working for you, otherwise you would have left her long time ago. You two are not even married, so I hope you are well aware that most things that you are paying for her are not your responsibility. But if you choose to have the sugar daddy-sugar baby type of a relationship, so be it. Either end it or forever hold your peace. I hear you. Thanks for taking time to reply. You, and the others, are confirming my thoughts - which is what I need to check - my thoughts. Yes, I have heard over and over that because she is not working but drawing about $50K USD, per annum, that I should be helping her more. I further agree re her kids cell phone. I am putting an end to this soon. This, to be honest, is one reason I have not married her. Post reading the responses on her, I informed her to stop with the discussing of this with me. It is nobody's business muck like our sex life or other. Thanks again for taking time to provide me with sanity! 3
stillafool Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 As far as her friends and family are concerned the next time she tells you they are asking if you help pay her bills tell her to say no but they are welcomed to pay them. 2
chillii Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) Sounds like you do more than enough to me considering the little amount of time you spend together. Really your not even in a full time relationship not like your living together as a proper couple don't even see why you'd be paying what you do tbh. Does she stay at yours or put into any of your stuff or expenses or help you out in any ways? And l wonder what she's telling these people with them even having that idea and how she answers those so called questions. Sounds like she's prodding you for more to me but yet still on 50k and rental properties, she's doin just fine to me. Edited August 2, 2021 by chillii
salparadise Posted August 2, 2021 Posted August 2, 2021 4 hours ago, Confused62 said: Yes, I have heard over and over that because she is not working but drawing about $50K USD, per annum, that I should be helping her more. I further agree re her kids cell phone. I am putting an end to this soon. This, to be honest, is one reason I have not married her. I am flabbergasted reading this. How on earth is it presumed that she is entitled to ANY of your money. You're dating, so you pay for some of the dates and she pays for some. Just that simple. Of course now that this dependency has become the status quo all hell will break loose if you try to normalize things... especially given that she is pushing for more and more. I honestly don't see how you got yourself into this crazy mess––a dollar at a time I presume. Did she ask for each of these "favors," or did you offer them up thinking that you'd be appreciated? There are dozens of threads on this site about paying for dates... most men and women believing that women should contribute approximately half. But this is the first time I've ever seen a situation where you're basically financing her life in order to date. I'm glad you're opening your eyes. Damn this is absurd. 2
Amanda92 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 But how did it started? Did you offer it or it was her idea?
Fletch Lives Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 She lives alone and is able-bodied, let her pay her own bills. You pay for the dates. Does she cook for you? Rub your back? What does she do for you? 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 On 8/2/2021 at 12:03 AM, Confused62 said: I have her on my health insurance, dental and vision. I pay her cell phone bill and her 22 year old daughters Stop doing these two things. They are controlling and not something you should get involved in. She should not have to go through you to have access to healthcare or have to go through you for phone services. She clearly can get both of these on her own. The other stuff, such as going out to dinner or picking up groceries occasionally since you spend so much time at her place is fine. 1
Caauug Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 Yes, I have the same view as everyone else.... Her view of you will likely be a low quality man as she has convinced you to give up your recourses so easily. She tolerates you because you pay/do for so much. Try cutting back and see how fast things go sour..... Your use to her, is your money... simple!!! Actions speak louder than words. Cut back on paying her expenses and see how many minutes hours your R lasts.... On 8/2/2021 at 12:03 PM, Confused62 said: I perpetually hear from her that various family and friends ask her if I help her with her bills. I think I am being more than fair. Oldest mind game in the book.... Blame other family members, confide in you that she is on your side, and try to shame you into paying more.... Just to impress her family members??? Her family likely never complain, if they do they have been feed the wrong information or want their cut from you also... Shame, it's a mind game most commonly played by women to manipulate men.
spiderowl Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 I would guess family and friends do not know what you are already paying for or they wouldn't be asking that question. Sounds like you are more than generous to me. She has an adequate income to take care of herself. How come you ended up putting her on your health plan? Why are you paying her and her daughter's mobile bills?
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