Partners EX harassing us when we are out clubbing

[CF1996]

hey, Need some advice as I'm really not sure what to do. Every time my partner and I are out in our local club we always bump in to one of his ex's and I would have thought that after all these years she would leave it and stop trying to chat up my now fiancé. 

But she hasn't. She will wait till he's alone and try talking to him and has done this the whole 4 years ive been with my partner. He's told her nicely he wants nothing to do with her and he's also told her very bluntly to f** off but that hasn't worked either.

It ruins the night every time we are out its getting past a joke. Should I step in and message her telling her to back off or should we try to keep ignoring her?

Ive been really nice about the whole thing but after years of it happening my patience is wearing thin.

 

This is my partners fave club and all of his friends go here and no where else so I'm stuck for ideas.

[d0nnivain]

She's not harassing you but I understand why her presence is intrusive.   When she approaches him, he needs to just disconnect from the conversation & move along.  A tight-lipped non-smile & a curt nod of the head in acknowledgement that she inhabits the plant is all that is required.  As he departs her intrusive presence all he needs to say is "I have to get back to my fiancé, CF1996."  No matter what she says he simply repeats that phrase as he walks away.  

If you see her talking to him, you walk over, drape your arm around him, snuggle up to him, smile sweetly at her & say hello.  You then dominate the conversation for 1-2 minutes before extracting him from her clutches by saying something like "Lovely to see you but we have to go talk about wedding plans." 

Whatever you do, do not be mean, do not lose your cool & never contact her directly.  Just do what I said.  By killing her with kindness she will eventually go away. Everyone else will eventually ostracize her because you will have claimed the high road.    Right now she likes the drama & if you let her drive a wedge between you & your FI she will win because your relationship will be poisoned.  Instead recognize her as the pathetic creature she is, feel sorry for her in the moment but stop letting her take up space in your head or your relationship.   

[Alpacalia]

Her actions are not an excuse.

You are aware of this. However, you must know better than to deal with someone who is desperate, confused, and insecure.

Forgive her.

Your fiancé is on your side. That's what's important.

Edited August 1, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, CF1996 said:

hey, Need some advice as I'm really not sure what to do. Every time my partner and I are out in our local club we always bump in to one of his ex's

 Should I step in and message her telling her to back off or should we try to keep ignoring her?

Do not get in a catfight with his exes. He's already getting off on all her attention.

That's why he insists on going there rather than starting a life with you and new friends/people.

He's the problem, not her.

[Miss Spider]

This happened to me. Except it wasn’t clubs but other public places too, and I am the chick whose ex bf was doing this. I read the responses and they are about what I figured. There is really nothing you can do about this. Unless she does something that crosses a line and gets thrown out. It sucks but unless you can find somewhere else where she won’t know you guys are there, ignoring her is the best strategy. Snapping will just give her more fodder btdt. 4 years is a long time to not give up though. That worries me. 

Edited August 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

The same club for years might run a little stale. You are truly saying he has nowhere else he likes frequenting than this establishment?

Why not branch out together and try new places? Make new friends as a couple and find other places or things you like to do? Going back to the same place continues to produce the same results so move on. 

I don’t know if I could keep dating someone who does the same thing over and over expecting different results. Have fun, enjoy each other. Do different things and forget this club.

 

[spiderowl]

I see two possibilities here:

1) that he is encouraging her in some way

2) that she has some real mental problem.

I would have a word with your partner about number 1 and maybe even suggest taking out a restraining order if he claims he isn't encouraging her.  (I wouldn't do that, of course, just a way of seeing how seriously he is taking your concerns.)

Number 2 is more problematic.  He needs to cut conversations with her short and go off to be with you or his other friends.  Unless he does this, she is going to think it's ok to keep approaching him.

You could suggest that you all go to a different club?  I know that is not necessarily desirable if there are few clubs where you live and groups of friends tend to gather there.

Fundamentally, this is something your partner should deal with.  If he isn't doing, it is fair enough to ask him why not.  Like Cookies says, it could be that he likes the attention and a bit of drama.

I can understand that it bothers you that she keeps inserting herself into your life, but he is with you not her.  Do you see her as a threat or a nuisance?  If you see her as a threat, maybe ask yourself why you are feeling insecure about this.  Is your boyfriend not reassuring you?

I would suggest that when she appears, you go and spend time with your group of friends and totally ignore her and your partner if he spends time with her.  If she is being a nuisance to him, there is no reason why he would run off with her so don't waste your time worrying about it.  Don't engage with either of them.  If your partner is enjoying the attention, he will also be enjoying you getting jealous too.  Do not allow him this dubious pleasure.

Edited August 4, 2021 by spiderowl

[IrinaM]

This is called "triangulation." She's not stalking him, and he's not discouraging her either.

The fact that he's been frequenting one nightclub, or even just clubs in general, for four straight years could be a sign of someone who is going nowhere in life. Clubs are usually a phase, one or two years in early 20s.