FindingGround Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 Hi, I've had quite a few problems lately with my boyfriend who I live with. We've been together for a year. It has understandably been a stressful year with everything going on, and we haven't been able to have many days out or going-out dates. I appreciate how much time he's given to staying home and keeping me safe from covid too. Today we managed to have a day off to go out together to Ikea. I didn't mind him being on his phone on the bus there playing a game, he still talked to me too and let me take a selfie with him. We had a great day out in the shop and booked a table there for dinner. One moment we're talking about having kids and marriage, then boom, he switched. He ate really quickly and I was still eating, so he took out his phone. Not a problem if it was for a bit to kill time. But he said "UGH NOO" dramatically and refused to look at me or tell me what. I kept asking over and over, but he literally shut me out and wouldn't acknowledge me at all, no response every time. I waited a while, tried asking again, no, still nothing. Minutes were going by in complete silence and I had no clue what could possibly be so wrong right now. He then continued to stay on his phone without looking at me once while I was still eating my main course. After a few more minutes of silence, I said "anything interesting happening?" on his phone and he said he's just looking at Instagram. I was so confused and said "well what was wrong?" and he said it's nothing, just a World or Warcraft game thing he had coming up but it's fine. I knew he wanted to be home (hours later!!) for a game that night but I didn't expect him to be on his phone on this short date with me and to treat me so rudely at dinner to be on his phone over it! I told him we're on a date, and he said "jeez don't get offended" and I said he was ignoring me at dinner for his phone. He put it down most of the rest of the meal but kept me in complete silence, apart from rushing me to finish my drink so we can go. Still hours in advance for his game night. At the bus stop home, he insulted me some more sarcastically saying "well SORRY" and "i mean come on i read something on my phone, you're being a bit much". I'm just so deflated because I have gone over and over with him so many times already how I need more respect, and how i need him to actually show he cares when he's upset me even if he doesn't see it as a big deal. I mean.. I'm asking him to care about my feelings. He's deflecting it onto me as my issue and now that we're home, he's not even being in the same room as me, I'm shut out in silence like i'm being punished. I'm not feeling ok.
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 People who pay attention to their phone rather than the person they are with irk me too. Perhaps you can talk with him to make new rules like no phones at the dinner table. For him to be dismissive of your feelings & practically belittle you for being hurt is a problem. Nip that in the bud before you marry. 1
Author FindingGround Posted August 1, 2021 Author Posted August 1, 2021 Update.. he just told me to get out of our flat because I tried to talk to him about how he made me feel. He already downplayed it saying "it was a minute" when it was 10 of refusing to talk to me, and then another 10 minutes of sitting in awkward silence with him rushing me to finish my food. He now says it was 20 seconds. I started crying and he just said 'get out' so.. i've no one here at all. my mum is driving to see me now but i can't leave this flat or my new job like this. I don't know what to do.
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 Glad your mom is coming to get you. He has effectively broken up with you. You will have to make arrangements to leave the flat & figure something out to do your new job. It will suck but you have to pull yourself together for your next work shift. Then you start on the process of healing from your grief. For now, cry your eyes out on mom when she gets there. 1
stillafool Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 53 minutes ago, FindingGround said: i can't leave this flat or my new job like this. I don't know what to do. Sure you can leave and your mom will tell you what to do about your job. You may have to travel a bit.
Miss Spider Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) My first thought is ‘ whoa people still play WoW?’ I remember that being really addictive back in the day. My second thought is “people treat you the way they feel about you” & humoring you on your date night and trips to ikea is way, way down on the list with WoW and social media being way closer to the top. So he’s gonna ignore you in lieu of that and get really PO’ed at you when you try to interfere . This is usually a sign a relationship had fun it’s course. Edited August 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 1 hour ago, FindingGround said: he just told me to get out of our flat because I tried to talk to him about how he made me feel. I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you two have a lot of problems and his behaviour with his phone is just a symptom of those. You shouldn't need to repeatedly tell someone to care about your feelings. When you find yourself doing so, it's your cue that they don't care. It appears that this relaitonship has probably met its end. 3
glows Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 He treats you like that because he knows you’re his only option. You beg for him to see you as a human being and you behave like he’s the only person who can give you what you need. Not everyone is so ruthless and unkind and out of touch with reality. I think you ought to take a good hard look at why you’re with someone like this and ask yourself whether you deserve to live like that with someone who takes advantage of you. If you live together you’re just helping him pay the bills and prioritize his gaming over you all the while putting up with shoddy communication and a very disgusting and emotionally abusive attitude towards you. Your mum doesn’t need this either but she’ll help you because she’s your mother. Take control of your life after this and rethink this relationship. We all make mistakes. You can reverse this one and start your life over. 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, FindingGround said: I started crying and he just said 'get out' so.. i've no one here at all. my mum is driving to see me now but i can't leave this flat or my new job like this. I don't know what to do. How long have you lived together? Is it "our" place or is the deed/lease in his name? If you pay rent, he can not kick you out of your own place. Although you should really move out since moving in, in a big rush, with a bozo like this is a mistake you can easily undo. When your parents come to get you, make arrangements to move out asap. Edited August 1, 2021 by Wiseman2 3
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 This has nothing to do with his gaming or his attitude. Those are symptoms of a relationship that couldn't stand up to the "rough year". He was already detached before dinner, probably more like months ago. That's why everything stopped during or after that "marriage and kids" conversation. He knew this was it, he wanted out and time was coming to do it. That's why he rushed dinner and ignored you, he wanted to get this over and done with. What a jerk. I hope you can figure something out. It's true, he can't kick you out, he has to give you notice, whatever the law requires. OMG please don't take him back if he goes on being regretful. Run for the frickin hills. 5
ShyViolet Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 This has nothing whatsoever to do with being on a phone. This is much larger than that. You absolutely need to break up with this guy and make plans to move out. It sounds like he's already decided that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. 3
torn_heart Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 39 minutes ago, smackie9 said: This has nothing to do with his gaming or his attitude. Those are symptoms of a relationship that couldn't stand up to the "rough year". He was already detached before dinner, probably more like months ago. That's why everything stopped during or after that "marriage and kids" conversation. He knew this was it, he wanted out and time was coming to do it. That's why he rushed dinner and ignored you, he wanted to get this over and done with. What a jerk. I hope you can figure something out. It's true, he can't kick you out, he has to give you notice, whatever the law requires. OMG please don't take him back if he goes on being regretful. Run for the frickin hills. Is there any statistic of people separating because of "the rough year"? I think mine is a casualty.
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, torn_heart said: Is there any statistic of people separating because of "the rough year"? I think mine is a casualty. Would be impossible unless everyone that had this happen took the same survey. But there has been reports of a lot of casualties for sure.
torn_heart Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 8 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Would be impossible unless everyone that had this happen took the same survey. But there has been reports of a lot of casualties for sure. Ok, thanks. Love your quote on the bottom by the way, a GF did that to me years ago (gave me her passwords) and it was the worst thing... 1
Donnas Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 How old are you????? And you barely know him and you give up everything and moved in. One year is honeymoon period. So you need more then a year to know the person. And you are a female, you the one that can get pregnant and be homeless with a baby in /on you . Always put the house on your name as married person. And you sound like very pushy u keep ask ask ask. Even thou he may have been rude. But the blow up of this tells me this is not the only or first issue in your relationship. You guys sound very young minded. Like playing games, get big fight about small stuff.... Some stuff u should not allow a second time and that is him putting u out again! Leave and don't go back!
Donnas Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 Not always people gonna tell you its over or they dont want you. You need to always use your brain sense and evaluate how they treating you and if its kind and loving. And if its something you want. And is it good for you? If you dont u will be abused for years if the person got bad intentions or mistreating you. Or not into u anymore.
torn_heart Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 28 minutes ago, Donnas said: Not always people gonna tell you its over or they dont want you. You need to always use your brain sense and evaluate how they treating you and if its kind and loving. And if its something you want. And is it good for you? If you dont u will be abused for years if the person got bad intentions or mistreating you. Or not into u anymore. Agree. There are people who don't want to confront and end/change the relationship so they just pull away from it and let their partner make the decision for them. 2
spiderowl Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 I am really sorry, Findingground. It sounds like the problems you mentioned you had been having took their toll on the relationship. I would guess that when you discussed marriage and babies, he suddenly opted out. His behaviour shortly afterwards would suggest that. He was rude and ignorant with his phone. If a guy ever tells you to leave, you should and fast. Never darken his doorstep again and never let him darken yours! Relationships can coast along ok until one or the other wants to increase the commitment; that's when it progresses, stalls or fails altogether. It seems that's when he realised he couldn't go further. You deserve someone who loves you and is all in. I know it seems very important right now and that you must be shocked and hurt, but he's obviously not the right guy. The right guy will treasure you and not treat you like this. 1
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