TamSy11 Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 Hi all. Last week, I went out with this guy from online. He was nice and after the date he said I was pretty and that he wanted to see me again to know me better. Throughout the week, we texted. But I realized that mainly it was me starting the conversations. I would ask about his day but he’d rarely ask about mine. We met up again yesterday. It was a nice date, about 6 hours long. We had fun together. There were some moments where I felt like we could have kissed or something but it never happened. There were sometimes though where I felt like he wasn’t very “into” me. E.g. - He never held the door for me. - We were trekking through some uneven/rocky terrain and he would never hold out his hand to help me balance. - We live about 1 hour away from each other and he mentioned the trip from his house to mine was “too far”. Finally, at the end of the night, he said he’d like to see me again but was vague when I asked him when he was available. I even mentioned that I was free this weekend but he didn’t say anything about meeting up. No mention of a specific date. I also had to text him first at the end of the date. He didn’t text me first to ask if I had gotten home safe, to say good night, etc. I just get the vibe that he doesn’t seem too into me. Or maybe I’m just paranoid/expecting too much. He could have been nervous or something. Otherwise our conversations were good, we had some fun moments. Anyways. I hate the feeling of liking someone more than they like me. Should I save my dignity, cut my losses, and move on?
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, TamSy11 said: he mentioned the trip from his house to mine was “too far”. Keep in mind after 2 dates you're both still talking to and meeting others. He's probably more interested in someone closer. That's ok. Just keep meeting others. Try not to chase this hard and smother this much. Unfortunately it seems he's just not that into you. That's ok, but next time look for real indicators rather than meaningless observations about opening doors.
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 You don't seem like you give him the chance to miss you or to reach out. The pattern is starting to be set -- you chase, he responds. you get disappointed that he's not leading. Daily communication at this early stage is too much. You are trying too hard & forcing things. You need to learn to put down your device & not demand instant communication. After a date, the next day you can text to say thank you again but that's it. You let the man chase you. Stop starting conversations. Give him a chance to respond. Do you hesitate even the slightest bit when you approach a door? There's a subtlety about door opening. If you get there 1st he's not going to open the door. His comment about the distance is alarming. He just all around sounds like a guy who doesn't want to have to put in effort. Meanwhile stop putting all your eggs in his basket. Date others & see if he steps up. If he does not, you have lost nothing. 8
Blind-Sided Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 Yep... what @d0nnivain said. Don't txt... let him chase a little. 1
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 I got a great advice lately and it was to pick a man for myself amoung those who pursue me. Do not give your attention to a man that doesn't initiate contact with you. It's that simple. I suggest you keep busy with other dates. Men know how to pursue a woman, they know how to be gentlemen, they don't mind the driving to be with a woman they fancy. 7 1
Timshel Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 4 hours ago, TamSy11 said: I just get the vibe that he doesn’t seem too into me. Trust yourself. 1
Author TamSy11 Posted July 29, 2021 Author Posted July 29, 2021 48 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You don't seem like you give him the chance to miss you or to reach out. The pattern is starting to be set -- you chase, he responds. you get disappointed that he's not leading. Daily communication at this early stage is too much. You are trying too hard & forcing things. You need to learn to put down your device & not demand instant communication. After a date, the next day you can text to say thank you again but that's it. You let the man chase you. Stop starting conversations. Give him a chance to respond. Do you hesitate even the slightest bit when you approach a door? There's a subtlety about door opening. If you get there 1st he's not going to open the door. His comment about the distance is alarming. He just all around sounds like a guy who doesn't want to have to put in effort. Meanwhile stop putting all your eggs in his basket. Date others & see if he steps up. If he does not, you have lost nothing. You’re right, it feels like I’m not worth the effort to him. Which hurts. I think I’ll take a break from dating for now because lately it’s been really bad for my mental health/ sense of self worth. 1 1
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 2 minutes ago, TamSy11 said: You’re right, it feels like I’m not worth the effort to him. Which hurts. I think I’ll take a break from dating for now because lately it’s been really bad for my mental health/ sense of self worth. You misunderstood the bulk of what I said. I was advocating that you learn to sit back. I never said you were not worth the effort or that he thought you were not worth the effort. I said you don't give him a chance to make an effort. I'm glad you will be taking a break from dating but what are you going to do during that break to improve your sense of self worth & your self esteem? If you don't address those issues time off won't help. You will be in the same place emotionally only more time will have passed. 3
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 10 minutes ago, TamSy11 said: You’re right, it feels like I’m not worth the effort to him. Which hurts. I think I’ll take a break from dating for now because lately it’s been really bad for my mental health/ sense of self worth. You need to change your approach. After a 1st date you go home and you sit on your hands and you wait for him to show you his level of interest. Meanwhile you meet with other men, you keep your attention divided on several prospects so if one disappear you will barely notice. When a man likes you he will make it clear, you won't have to play any guessing games AND those are the men you will give your attention to. 3
Author TamSy11 Posted July 29, 2021 Author Posted July 29, 2021 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You misunderstood the bulk of what I said. I was advocating that you learn to sit back. I never said you were not worth the effort or that he thought you were not worth the effort. I said you don't give him a chance to make an effort. I'm glad you will be taking a break from dating but what are you going to do during that break to improve your sense of self worth & your self esteem? If you don't address those issues time off won't help. You will be in the same place emotionally only more time will have passed. I get your point but he just doesn’t care enough to make an effort, and he likely never will at this point. He’s a complete non-starter. Guess I’ll get therapy for my low self esteem/anxiety issues. Long overdue.
Author TamSy11 Posted July 29, 2021 Author Posted July 29, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: You need to change your approach. After a 1st date you go home and you sit on your hands and you wait for him to show you his level of interest. Meanwhile you meet with other men, you keep your attention divided on several prospects so if one disappear you will barely notice. When a man likes you he will make it clear, you won't have to play any guessing games AND those are the men you will give your attention to. I can’t exactly get multiple dates at the same time, lol. Would be nice in theory. Exactly. When someone likes me I’ll know. But it’s been 2 dates, about 10 hours spent together, and not a single indication from him that he thinks of me as a romantic interest.
stillafool Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, TamSy11 said: I get your point but he just doesn’t care enough to make an effort, and he likely never will at this point. He’s a complete non-starter. It's okay, he's just one man and it's good you found out before going further with him. Don't let one bad apple make you give up. Edited July 29, 2021 by stillafool
Author TamSy11 Posted July 29, 2021 Author Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) 1 minute ago, stillafool said: It's okay, he's just one man and it's good you found out before going further with him. Don't let one bad apple make you give up. Yeah, but it’s one in a series of patterns. Never gotten past the 2nd date and I’ve gone out with 4 guys in the past month. Kinda hard to have your worst fears about yourself confirmed. Edited July 29, 2021 by TamSy11
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, TamSy11 said: Guess I’ll get therapy for my low self esteem/anxiety issues. Long overdue. You guess? Oh boy. Maybe start a little slower & read some self help books. You do need to understand that your low self-esteem & your anxiety are coloring your perception of things. This guy has been on 2 dates with you. One lasted 6 hours. He responds when you reach out. Granted he doesn't initiate but you don't give him a chance to. You have to learn to sit back more. If you have gone out with 4 guys in the past month but haven't gotten past the 2nd date you need to look at your behavior. Have you smothered them the way you are all over this guy? You also said you "can't exactly get multiple dates at the same time" but 4 different guy in one month IS multi-dating. You are already doing it. So look hard over the course of the next day or two & see if you can find patterns in your behavior Then change those patterns.
glows Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 I wouldn’t see him again. You have a fairly good idea about his personality. 1
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 22 minutes ago, TamSy11 said: Yeah, but it’s one in a series of patterns. Never gotten past the 2nd date and I’ve gone out with 4 guys in the past month. Online dating is a number game. You can meet right away or be online 3 years and meet 200 men like it happened to me last time I was single. This time around I am at men number 15, and I've been online (not counting my vacations) 7 weeks. You've got to brace yourself, this is a long term project to find a bf online. 1
Author TamSy11 Posted July 29, 2021 Author Posted July 29, 2021 10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You guess? Oh boy. Maybe start a little slower & read some self help books. You do need to understand that your low self-esteem & your anxiety are coloring your perception of things. This guy has been on 2 dates with you. One lasted 6 hours. He responds when you reach out. Granted he doesn't initiate but you don't give him a chance to. You have to learn to sit back more. If you have gone out with 4 guys in the past month but haven't gotten past the 2nd date you need to look at your behavior. Have you smothered them the way you are all over this guy? You also said you "can't exactly get multiple dates at the same time" but 4 different guy in one month IS multi-dating. You are already doing it. So look hard over the course of the next day or two & see if you can find patterns in your behavior Then change those patterns. I really do try to think back on my behaviour but I was just being myself. I am a very self aware person. With 2 of the 4, there really was no connection at all and I don’t care too much, but it hurts that they felt the same. With the first one and this one, I actually felt somewhat of a connection, and it hurts that the feeling wasn’t mutual for whatever reason.
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 He sounds a little on the boring side. Not enthusiastic. Whatever the reason, you don’t like it and it’s not likely to change. I mean people tend to be on their best, or at least better behavior in the first few dates, so if you can accept this or even more blah and “not into it,” okay. Otherwise just keep looking. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 1 hour ago, TamSy11 said: Yeah, but it’s one in a series of patterns. Never gotten past the 2nd date and I’ve gone out with 4 guys in the past month. Kinda hard to have your worst fears about yourself confirmed. But this really isn’t abnormal. Four situations didn’t work out. Well, that’s how dating goes. People are very individual. It takes a while to find just that right person. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 You need a thicker skin. On dates 1 -3 there is no reason you should get hurt because at that point you should not be invested enough to be hurt. Disappointed sure but not hurt. You are investing too much too quickly. Learn to manage your expectations & reign in your emotions. 4
Miss Spider Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 2 hours ago, glows said: I wouldn’t see him again. You have a fairly good idea about his personality. Again, I agree. Why would you even want to see him again? Into you or not, he seems kind of rude 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2021 Posted July 30, 2021 15 hours ago, TamSy11 said: it feels like I’m not worth the effort to him This is your problem right here. You're using him as a measuring stick of your own self-worth - and you hardly know this person. I would recommend perhaps taking a break from dating for a little while and working on your self-esteem. You're in a fragile place right now and it's imporant to address that or dating is going to crush you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2021 Posted July 30, 2021 14 hours ago, TamSy11 said: . With 2 of the 4, there really was no connection at all and I don’t care too much, but it hurts that they felt the same. Take a break from dating. If you don't care about them why worry if they feel the same?
Dis Posted July 30, 2021 Posted July 30, 2021 You shouldn't be hurt by his behavior you should be turned off by his behavior Boost yourself up, gas yourself up because when you believe you deserve the best you don't get hung up on men who don't put in enough effort xoxo 1
Author TamSy11 Posted July 30, 2021 Author Posted July 30, 2021 (edited) So not too long ago I went on a second date with this guy. We walked along a scenic trail outside the city and even got to this romantic look out point area where we were the only people. But the whole date (about 7 hours long) passed without a kiss. He dropped me off at the metro station and we just hugged goodbye. In texts he is very flirty and sometimes a bit explicit (a lot of sexual innuendos) but in person he’s completely different. We haven’t even held hands or anything, I don’t think we’ve touched at all aside from hugging. I feel like a part of it could be chalked up to inexperience/nervousness (on both our parts). But I’m definitely attracted to him and it sounds like he is too judging from his texts but in person there’s nothing! We are going on a third date but I’m not sure what will happen if nothing goes on then Would it mean he’s just not that attracted to me? Edited July 30, 2021 by TamSy11
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