whatsthepoint Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 I'll try to keep this short! Lived in another country a few years ago and met someone, we dated and then I had to move back to my own country. I thought that would be it, but no he wanted to stay in touch, so we had regular calls, texts, video calls etc. We still met up every 5-6 weeks by travelling. We hadnt been exclusively dating and that suited us both, what we did have was a very close friendship that got deeper as we saw each other, and we both valued that friendship a lot. There came a point where he wanted to stop the sexual side as he'd had previous trauma from before where having sex with someone he had a strong friendship with destroyed the friendship. He wanted to keep our friendship strong and for it not to be destroyed. I tend to not stay in touch/be friends with people I've previously been sexual with as I find it hard to go from sexual to friends and to stay naturally me (for example, if you're used to enjoying time with someone and you might grab their hand to walk along somewhere, or give them a cheeky kiss, being friends and having to not do that when its a natural reaction previously just feels like I have to enforce my behaviour to be unnatural - if that makes sense?) but we had a close friendship and I didnt want to lose that either (we'd opened up a lot and told each other things we hadnt shared with anyone etc) so I put in some work to get it to a stage where I was comfortable being friends. Part of that was that I stepped back a bit, not so contactable etc, but still met each other and would spend time together non-sexually. Due to work I couldnt meet as often for a while and we drifted a bit but still close friends. Then a couple of months before the pandemic hit, he started contacting me more, and we got close again from the drifted state we had been in. However, he started being suggestive in his communications which i was wary of. I'd put a lot of work into me being ok as friends, and to then change it back again, I was trying to protect myself, but we got close and the sexting kicked off and has continued for a year and a half. We havent been able to physically see each other due to current restrictions (we'd been due to meet up but lockdowns happened 4 days prior to that) so we have put a lot of effort into the online contact in the meantime. Fast forward, still restrictions so we cant meet, but are on the page that when we meet we will be close and probably sexual (in my mind Im unsure until I see him then I will know if I want to put myself down that path), but anyway.. I know we were never exclusive and he saw others (just as i did), we both knew it but didnt discuss the other people, and that was still the case. However, i saw on social media one girl that always seemed to like his posts etc, and last weekend she visited him as restrictions in her country now allowed travel (me, him and her are all in different countries), they obviously slept together, there's a photo of them together, now he's posting songs that relate to her, missing her type stuff, etc. Im ok with us being friends, seeing others etc as its always been, as long as it's not in my face. And this time it is in my face. I said to him that we probably shouldnt be doing the sexting etc now and he asked why. I said because it looked like he was loved up now and there wouldnt be a need to, and also its not fair if he's met someone and he's sexting someone while she seems besotted with him. His reaction was that this was the first time they'd spent time together, there is the distance issue between them and neither he nor she has asked each other about what they do with others outside of them. He said due to the distance he was going with the flow, didnt know how it would pan out, taking it as it comes etc. Im struggling with it, he still wants to meet when restrictions allow but I see something happening for him that could end up being a serious relationship. Is it time for me to walk away from the friendship completely? I find I'm comparing myself to her which is not good for me. I'm 19 years older than her, so comparing myself is just stupid. Im loathe to give up on a friendship but I can't see any other way, other than saying I'm stepping back from the friendship and taking them off social media as I dont need to see his situation playing out, and if it doesnt work out then we could look at our friendship after that?
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) He's in a relationship so just cut your losses. It was clear from the start that this was a now-and-then FWB type situationship, but just as in this case, that can get messy. Step way back date local available single men. Edited July 29, 2021 by Wiseman2
Author whatsthepoint Posted July 29, 2021 Author Posted July 29, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: He's in a relationship so just cut your losses. It was clear from the start that this was a now-and-then FWB type situationship, but just as in this case, that can get messy. Step way back date local available single men. He's not technically in a relationship, they've met once and not had an exclusivity chat or anything. Is ditching the friendship completely for ever a bit hasty at this early stage? or put a hold on the friendship to see how it pans out and if it gets serious then ditch it?
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 10 minutes ago, whatsthepoint said: put a hold on the friendship to see how it pans out and if it gets serious then ditch it? It depends on what you want out of this and what your expectations are. Is it really friendship if you are scanning his social media comparing your ages? Or are you hoping to resume a sort of drive by situationship-friendship-FWB arrangement? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 1 hour ago, whatsthepoint said: Is ditching the friendship completely for ever a bit hasty at this early stage? How much of a friendship is it really, though? It sounds like he's got the same sort of "friendship" with her, so I am not sure how much value I would place on being friends with him. What does the friendship really add to your life?
stillafool Posted July 29, 2021 Posted July 29, 2021 I don't think you can even be friends with this guy anymore because your feelings are caught up. You say you both are seeing others but after seeing him with someone else you're triggered and comparing yourself to a woman 19 years younger than you. Is he also younger or your age? I agree that you should probably chose a guy closer to you and since you're dating others too that shouldn't be too hard. I think that would make you happier and less anxious.
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