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This might be childlish, but should I give my BF a taste of his own medicine?

Blacksheep33

By Blacksheep33
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

In an odd way you may be compatible, since you've been together 3 years and live together.

You both have this game going on about who's worse, who's bad, etc.

In away you dovetail perfectly.

You need to complain about him and he certainly is enough of a jerk to give you plenty of material for that.

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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
On 7/28/2021 at 12:33 PM, Blacksheep33 said:

Hi

I feel like my boyfriend overall is not so good but it’s hard for me to break up since I’ve been very unlucky in relationships. 
My boyfriend’s birthday is next month and I don’t know how to behave anymore because he seems to not care about my birthday.

First, I had to remind him about my birthday because he doesn’t even know which day it is. I reminded him a week before since my parents wanted to take me out to eat and include him. On the actual day, he acted like it was just another day. He was the LAST person to wish me a happy birthday and I don’t like the way he did it. he said: “so when was your birthday? It’s tomorrow right?” I told him no and he realized it was that day and hugged me. Then he said he was going to give me a gift on the weekend he had bought. The weekend came around and I never received anything. Basically it was a lie to make himself look good and I got nothing from him. Not even a cake! 
When we went out to eat with my parents he almost didn’t want to go either. So my birthday doesn’t mean anything to him. 
 

I am a person who thinks it’s important to make people feel loved on their special day. I have always planned ahead for my boyfriend’s birthday and bought nice gifts for him. I know I shouldn’t expect anything in return but if I give 100% then I feel like I shouldn’t expect less from my partner. The same goes with texting. I send him texts and he ignores them and makes excuses to not write me back! So I feel stupid giving and giving while he doesn’t care at all. 
I really don’t want to get him anything for his birthday. Is this immature of me??? Also same goes for Christmas! I give and he doesn’t give a crap. He never gives me anything for Christmas either. How would you behave if you were in my shoes? 
By the way, we’ve been together for 3 years and live together.

I find this comically absurd, considering the number of devices and apps that send pop-ups, notifications and reminders about birthdays or any events on a calendar. The only thing that comes to mind is that he enjoys seeing you squirm and get upset which would make the relationship dysfunctional. He knows that you care about what he thinks when you get upset and you continue to get upset because that's the only way you feel loved/cared for. Neither of you are really getting your needs met without getting upset and it's part of the fabric of why you're together. 

Another thought is that he is resentful of you and this is his way to undermine the relationship in a passive aggressive manner. I'm sorry this is happening. I don't know why you would stay if you know in your heart that there are issues like this or you're both unhappy.

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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted

So your live-in boyfriend of three years forgot your birthday, lied about having gotten you a gift, and just NEVER mentioned it again?!

Why are you with this neanderthal again?

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Kai_Kai Established Member

Kai_Kai

Posted
Posted
On 7/28/2021 at 3:33 PM, Blacksheep33 said:

Hi

I feel like my boyfriend overall is not so good but it’s hard for me to break up since I’ve been very unlucky in relationships. 
My boyfriend’s birthday is next month and I don’t know how to behave anymore because he seems to not care about my birthday.

First, I had to remind him about my birthday because he doesn’t even know which day it is. I reminded him a week before since my parents wanted to take me out to eat and include him. On the actual day, he acted like it was just another day. He was the LAST person to wish me a happy birthday and I don’t like the way he did it. he said: “so when was your birthday? It’s tomorrow right?” I told him no and he realized it was that day and hugged me. Then he said he was going to give me a gift on the weekend he had bought. The weekend came around and I never received anything. Basically it was a lie to make himself look good and I got nothing from him. Not even a cake! 
When we went out to eat with my parents he almost didn’t want to go either. So my birthday doesn’t mean anything to him. 
 

I am a person who thinks it’s important to make people feel loved on their special day. I have always planned ahead for my boyfriend’s birthday and bought nice gifts for him. I know I shouldn’t expect anything in return but if I give 100% then I feel like I shouldn’t expect less from my partner. The same goes with texting. I send him texts and he ignores them and makes excuses to not write me back! So I feel stupid giving and giving while he doesn’t care at all. 
I really don’t want to get him anything for his birthday. Is this immature of me??? Also same goes for Christmas! I give and he doesn’t give a crap. He never gives me anything for Christmas either. How would you behave if you were in my shoes? 
By the way, we’ve been together for 3 years and live together.

He is really inconsiderate of your feelings. I am sorry, but having a revenge day is not going to fix the issue. 

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

Posted
Posted

With my ex who never did these types of things either, it turns out he just wasn't really into me and knew he didn't see a long-term future together. This is why he didn't want to invest his resources and effort.

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Love Yourself First Member

Love Yourself First

Posted
Posted

The problem is that you are in a relationship with a guy and you wonder if this guy cares about you, then, instead of attempting to open the lines of communication like an adult, you choose to subcommunicate by ignoring his birthday.

Let me be perfectly clear, if you are a woman and you are relying on subcommunication, this situation right here is going to be your destiny for all time. Relationships run on communication alone and are doomed without it, subcommunication implies you don't give enough of a crap to have an actual conversation.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

“Subcommunication” in this context here also means you are being manipulative  and immature too. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
On 7/29/2021 at 12:13 PM, Blacksheep33 said:

Thanks for your advice. 
it’s not really about the gift, but I want to feel appreciated and know that he thinks about me. I don’t think it’s hard to say “Happy Birthday” if I live with him but he had to be the last one! 
I agree that I shouldn’t expect anything in return but I do a lot of nice things for him. I cook for him every day so I would appreciate some gratitude on his part, like he appreciates me instead of acting like I’m not important and my birthday is not important. 

It's understandable to want (and deserve) to feel loved and cherished on your birthday.

If he fails to do this on a regular basis, this tells you everything you need to know.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 7/29/2021 at 3:13 PM, Blacksheep33 said:

Thanks for your advice. 
it’s not really about the gift, but I want to feel appreciated and know that he thinks about me. I don’t think it’s hard to say “Happy Birthday” if I live with him but he had to be the last one! 
I agree that I shouldn’t expect anything in return but I do a lot of nice things for him. I cook for him every day so I would appreciate some gratitude on his part, like he appreciates me instead of acting like I’m not important and my birthday is not important. 

Level the field. Mirror his action. Do not overinvest or get overinvolved in his antics.

Simply act like roommates until you can extricate yourself from this

Stop trying to get blood out of a stone.

Use your time and energy to sever finances, change all passwords on all accounts, start looking for places to live and arrange moving with friends family.

Just tune him out. He's getting off on passive-aggressive ways to stick it to you through "forgetting" and underhanded but palpable disrespect and contempt.

 You believe (and wish you were) in a relationship and expect one, but really you're in a seething silent warzone.

Edited by Wiseman2
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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

You have a string of bad relationships because you choose and put up with bad people. The common denominator is YOU. Start punting these guys to the curb the min you don't have your expectations fulfilled. You act like a doormat, you will be treated like one. Work on your self esteem before you go out dating again.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
On 7/29/2021 at 12:13 PM, Blacksheep33 said:

Thanks for your advice. 
it’s not really about the gift, but I want to feel appreciated and know that he thinks about me. I don’t think it’s hard to say “Happy Birthday” if I live with him but he had to be the last one! 
I agree that I shouldn’t expect anything in return but I do a lot of nice things for him. I cook for him every day so I would appreciate some gratitude on his part, like he appreciates me instead of acting like I’m not important and my birthday is not important. 

And this is why he's not dumping you atm. He's got it so good, he knows he has you over a barrel so he will do the very minimal. He doesn't have to make any effort. He's gonna stick this out as long as he can.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

And this is why he's not dumping you atm. He's got it so good, he knows he has you over a barrel so he will do the very minimal. He doesn't have to make any effort. He's gonna stick this out as long as he can.

🙏 Thank you!! This. . I have heard enough  of these “my boyfriend didn’t get me anything for x holiday”  to know that that basically means your boyfriend doesn’t give jack about the relationship. It’s not just that “it’s not his love language” or some moral qualm he has  against gift-giving, so stop reaching

Edited by Cookiesandough
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