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This might be childlish, but should I give my BF a taste of his own medicine?

Blacksheep33

By Blacksheep33
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Blacksheep33 New Member

Blacksheep33

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Hi

I feel like my boyfriend overall is not so good but it’s hard for me to break up since I’ve been very unlucky in relationships. 
My boyfriend’s birthday is next month and I don’t know how to behave anymore because he seems to not care about my birthday.

First, I had to remind him about my birthday because he doesn’t even know which day it is. I reminded him a week before since my parents wanted to take me out to eat and include him. On the actual day, he acted like it was just another day. He was the LAST person to wish me a happy birthday and I don’t like the way he did it. he said: “so when was your birthday? It’s tomorrow right?” I told him no and he realized it was that day and hugged me. Then he said he was going to give me a gift on the weekend he had bought. The weekend came around and I never received anything. Basically it was a lie to make himself look good and I got nothing from him. Not even a cake! 
When we went out to eat with my parents he almost didn’t want to go either. So my birthday doesn’t mean anything to him. 
 

I am a person who thinks it’s important to make people feel loved on their special day. I have always planned ahead for my boyfriend’s birthday and bought nice gifts for him. I know I shouldn’t expect anything in return but if I give 100% then I feel like I shouldn’t expect less from my partner. The same goes with texting. I send him texts and he ignores them and makes excuses to not write me back! So I feel stupid giving and giving while he doesn’t care at all. 
I really don’t want to get him anything for his birthday. Is this immature of me??? Also same goes for Christmas! I give and he doesn’t give a crap. He never gives me anything for Christmas either. How would you behave if you were in my shoes? 
By the way, we’ve been together for 3 years and live together.

Edited by Blacksheep33
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I think you need to realize that he is not the boyfriend you are looking for. 

 

  • Like 7
Johnjohnson2017 Established Member

Johnjohnson2017

Posted
Posted

I don't think it's childish. If he doesn't care about your birthday, chances are he doesn't care that much about his own. He doesn't give you christmas presents, then don't give him any. 

He probably doesn't like birthdays and gift giving in general. Maybe he feels insincere if he does wish someone happy birthday. I personally don't like telling happy birthday to people that are not part of my family. I don't get upset when they don't either.

ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, Blacksheep33 said:

I really don’t want to get him anything for his birthday. Is this immature of me??? 

Yes, it's absolutely immature of you.

This is not about gifts.  You said that you know this is a bad relationship.  He is making it obvious that he doesn't care much about you.  Yet, you are choosing to stay in this relationship.  The mature thing to do would be to recognize that this relationship isn't working, and to end it.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Posted
19 minutes ago, Blacksheep33 said:

feel like my boyfriend overall is not so good but it’s hard for me to break up since I’ve been very unlucky in relationships. 

You are also unlucky in this relationship.  Is it worth just having a boyfriend around who takes you for granted and could care less about you?  Get rid of him and get someone who actually cares about you.

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clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted

No, you should not buy him birthday or Christmas gifts.  Also, you should break up with him and move out.  

  • Like 5
CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted

Something is really ringing bells here…I feel like somebody else had this exact situation like a year ago. I can see how some people might not make a giant fuss over birthdays, but this guy seemed to be going out of his way to dis yours.

I wonder if he feels resentful that you kept bringing it up as if he should do some specific thing or other? So he went completely the opposite way?

Anyway, no, I wouldn’t do anything but give him a lame hug after asking what day it was for his birthday. Not because I’m petty but because, wow, he’s an a**h*le.

You sure you want to be with this guy?

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Posted (edited)

Over the course of the last 3 years you have taught him it's OK to treat you like crap.  You have to figure out why you are willing to put up with this garbage. 

In your shoes I would ignore his birthday.  Your time would better spent figuring out how to break up with him & move out

Edited by d0nnivain
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I think you have relationships bad luck because you remain in bad ones and don't seek a man that would be a good match for you. 

  • Like 4
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Blacksheep33 said:

we’ve been together for 3 years and live together.

He seems selfish, cheap and passive-aggressive. Since you live together, not much you can do but end it when you can't take the games and disrespect any longer.

Is this the same man:?

 

  • Like 2
CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted
16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems selfish, cheap and passive-aggressive. Since you live together, not much you can do but end it when you can't take the games and disrespect any longer.

Is this the same man:?

 

Honestly, Blacksheep, if you have to repeatedly ask if different things are petty, then yes, you’re petty. And you resent him and the relationship. It’s time to leave.

  • Like 2
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

Well, yes - you could stop giving him gifts in return.  But as he doesn't care for such things, he will be relieved that you've finally joined him in the view that such things are unimportant.

A better solution would be to end it.   You say that you've been unlucky in relationships - could it be that part of being 'unlucky' is not getting out when you see the first major signs of incompatibility?

 

  • Like 6
FMW Established Member

FMW

Posted
Posted

I think the fact that you are feeling the urge to be petty or childish means you need to end the relationship.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Posted
24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Well, yes - you could stop giving him gifts in return.  But as he doesn't care for such things, he will be relieved that you've finally joined him in the view that such things are unimportant.

 

Exactly!  He'll be glad because that means he doesn't have to worry about the gift giving anymore.

  • Like 2
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

My birthday was last month and I didn't bother even mentioning it to the new guy I'm seeing!  Why?  So he can stress about what to buy me, how to make the day and myself feel "special"?   

And thus we avoided all that unnecessary drama.

Life is too short to be getting so wound up about something so arbitrary and imo meaningless, as adults.

>>I know I shouldn’t expect anything in return but if I give 100% then I feel like I shouldn’t expect less from my partner.

That's not why we give.  In fact, it defeats the purpose.   We give because it makes us feel good to give regardless of whether or not we receive anything back, or as much.

If you're feeling resentful, taken advantage of or exploited, then stop giving so much.  It really is that easy.

I am not defending your boyfriend, I don't know him, but imo you sound needy.  And nagging.

That's not how to compel your boyfriend to want to move closer to you emotionally, or to give.  In fact, the opposite will happen it will push him away, as it's doing now.

It becomes a toxic vicious cycle.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Blacksheep33 said:

How would you behave if you were in my shoes? 

I'm not sure, since I've never had this problem.

Has he always been this way? What was he like when you first started dating?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

>>I know I shouldn't expect anything in return but if I give 100% then I feel like I shouldn't expect less from a partner<<

I want to touch on this statement too.  People don't do nice things for a partner because they are returning a favour, they give because they truly want to.   And likewise, the argument that "I do this for you, so you should do this for me" really doesn't hold water.  

Instead, it's about asking yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough to do nice things.  

  • Like 5
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

Well, yes - you could stop giving him gifts in return.  But as he doesn't care for such things, he will be relieved that you've finally joined him in the view that such things are unimportant.

 

 

I was going to say exactly this. 

To you, it is a punishment. You are making a point - teaching him a lesson. Because you would be unhappy, you believe that he will be unhappy. Not necessarily true.

To him, it may well be a win. No need to buy you a gift for Christmas or our birthday - you have finally decided to get on board and agreed that it is not important.

The best thing you could do would be to find another man to date who shows you the love and appreciation that you seek in a  relationship.

Edited by BaileyB
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Blacksheep33 New Member

Blacksheep33

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Posted

Thanks for your advice. 
it’s not really about the gift, but I want to feel appreciated and know that he thinks about me. I don’t think it’s hard to say “Happy Birthday” if I live with him but he had to be the last one! 
I agree that I shouldn’t expect anything in return but I do a lot of nice things for him. I cook for him every day so I would appreciate some gratitude on his part, like he appreciates me instead of acting like I’m not important and my birthday is not important. 

Stret Established Member

Stret

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 7/28/2021 at 8:33 PM, Blacksheep33 said:

Hi

I feel like my boyfriend overall is not so good but it’s hard for me to break up since I’ve been very unlucky in relationships. 
My boyfriend’s birthday is next month and I don’t know how to behave anymore because he seems to not care about my birthday.

First, I had to remind him about my birthday because he doesn’t even know which day it is. I reminded him a week before since my parents wanted to take me out to eat and include him. On the actual day, he acted like it was just another day. He was the LAST person to wish me a happy birthday and I don’t like the way he did it. he said: “so when was your birthday? It’s tomorrow right?” I told him no and he realized it was that day and hugged me. Then he said he was going to give me a gift on the weekend he had bought. The weekend came around and I never received anything. Basically it was a lie to make himself look good and I got nothing from him. Not even a cake! 
When we went out to eat with my parents he almost didn’t want to go either. So my birthday doesn’t mean anything to him. 
 

I am a person who thinks it’s important to make people feel loved on their special day. I have always planned ahead for my boyfriend’s birthday and bought nice gifts for him. I know I shouldn’t expect anything in return but if I give 100% then I feel like I shouldn’t expect less from my partner. The same goes with texting. I send him texts and he ignores them and makes excuses to not write me back! So I feel stupid giving and giving while he doesn’t care at all. 
I really don’t want to get him anything for his birthday. Is this immature of me??? Also same goes for Christmas! I give and he doesn’t give a crap. He never gives me anything for Christmas either. How would you behave if you were in my shoes? 
By the way, we’ve been together for 3 years and live together.

I was once with a narcissist who behaved in precisely the same way. I read some time ago that a narcissist will do exactly a thing like this and narcissistic mother will bring you chocolate cake with a smile when she knows very well you are allergic to chocolate. And they enjoy in your reaction, in controlling you and your emotions. 

There is some chance that your boyfriend knew very well when your birthday was but just wanted to make you feel like s*** and unworthy. He might be playing with you. Not saying this is the case but based on my experience and some readings I've done, this looks like it could be it.

My advice in either case would be to leave him as you will not be happy in this relationship. You playing his game against him might come back to hurt you more than him when you realise he doesn't really care or at least he is able to pretend it doesn't bother him at all. If it reached this stage where you have to resort to being bad to someone to get his attention, it is best to just leave. Someone else will come into your life when you're ready for it.

Edited by Stret
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
31 minutes ago, Blacksheep33 said:

it’s not really about the gift, but I want to feel appreciated and know that he thinks about me.

No, it’s not about the gift at all. 

It’s about the fact that you don’t feel loved and appreciated by your partner. 

You are going to waste a lot of time and energy trying to convince your partner to show you love and appreciation. Time and energy better spent on a relationship partner that doesn’t need convincing…

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
53 minutes ago, Blacksheep33 said:

Thanks for your advice. 
it’s not really about the gift, but I want to feel appreciated and know that he thinks about me. I don’t think it’s hard to say “Happy Birthday” if I live with him but he had to be the last one! 
I agree that I shouldn’t expect anything in return but I do a lot of nice things for him. I cook for him every day so I would appreciate some gratitude on his part, like he appreciates me instead of acting like I’m not important and my birthday is not important. 

Bolded, then you leave, period.   And look for a man who better meets your needs.  

What you don't do is stay, complain, and sorry, nag.  OR, give him a taste of his own medicine.  That may possibly be the WORST thing you could do.

You either appreciate what he DOES give you, or again you wish him well and walk away.  I have never been one to tell a man how to give to me, he either gives from his heart because he wants to, has the desire to, and if he is unable to do that, I'm OUT.  Bye.

As it stands now, your RL has become a toxic vicious cycle of you over-giving, not feeling appreciated, nagging and him pulling away.

Like I said, complaining is serving absolutely no purpose other than driving him further away.

I suggest you read and watch videos by Ester Perel and others, learn how men fall in love and STAY in love.  Truly in love, not just "going through the motions" like what you bf is doing now.

All the best, and hope someday you find what you're searching for.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted

This discussion remind me of a great quote - 

Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

That’s essentially what you are doing. You are feeling resentment, and you are wanting him to feel badly such that he will change his ways and you will feel better. It doesn’t work like that - he’s going about his day, probably quite happy with his life. How you feel and what you want doesn’t appear to matter to him nearly as much as you would like it to - 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

Yeah, stay in a bad relationship with an inconsiderate person and make it even worse just to spite him. Sounds like an awesome idea 

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

If things have gotten to this point the relationship should end.

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