Boyfriend doesn't want forever

[happyunow]

Hi all,

Sorry for this long post. I really need help

I am dating a 29 (M) that I met over Tinder 9 months ago. I am 34(F). We both started dating casually, then become casually exclusive after two months of dating and exclusive after three months. We became official after six months into a relationship.

He told me after three dates that he is a commitment-phobe. I believe he still was hoping to get back with his ex for our first two months into us casually seeing each other once a week. He broke up with his ex to regret that he made the biggest mistake and tried chasing her for another year. But once we became mutually exclusive, I think his frequency of texts, calls to her went down. However, his being commitmentphobe always resulted in him having more power in this relationship. I was terrified to be me; he had asked various times to ensure that I am not developing any feelings for him because he had none. For the first three months, we saw each other once a week, moving to twice a week, and by the 5th month, we were seeing each other every other day. I remember one night after sex; I was looking into his eyes, he got anxious and told me that he has no feelings for me:(

Anyways I like this guy a lot, so I just went with the flow. I didn't argue with him. He wants alone space, and I gave him that. I never even once mentioned I want to go here because I never felt comfortable saying that without giving him anxiety. 

His birthday was around 6th month; I bought him 200 dollars shoes, took him for a very fancy dinner, got him a birthday card. These details are imp for the context later.

After the 6th month anniversary, I casually mentioned my friends are confused about what we are, and he is like do you want to make it official? I agreed.

However, soon a month after making it official, he told me that he doesn't think this is forever for him. He has doubts because our conversation doesn't flow; there is intellectual incompatibility. I cried; he cried when he said that. After a couple of days, I made peace with it.

Meanwhile, there was the other guy I met, who was taking some photos for a modeling gig, and my friend arranged a photo shoot for me with him. After the first meeting, he ended up getting a crush on me. My bf doubted that, and I told him that yes, he has a crush.

Since I started to get a bit distant, my boyfriend, after two weeks of telling me that he doesn't see me forever, said that he didn't mean that. He is excited for us, for our future. He made it official because he sees the future together. 

However, two weeks after that, he took me to a party and never introduced me as his girlfriend. I confronted him. He said he just assumed that it was apparent that we are together at the party, but there is some doubt in his head that this is not going to be long-term. So this gives him the anxiety to call me his gf.  I told him that things like that make me not tell others that I have a boyfriend. I feel very insecure. I told him that the photographer guy asked me if I have a boyfriend; I told him that it is more serious than casual, less casual than serious. He got upset about it; he said that I am doing this to hurt him. I said no, I don't feel comfortable calling you bf when it is not long term. Mind well, this guy has not met any of my friends, and we have not said I love you. Just so you all know, I felt guilty of telling that to the photographer guy and then telling that to my bf. In my head, I was trying to say to him that I don't see from your action that you think this is bf gf relationship, and when someone asks me if we are bf-gf, to say yes makes me uncomfortable. But in hindsight, I know that calling official means bf. And, if someone has a crush on me, I should have told him that I have a bf.

And, on my birthday, he did nothing. Infact he argued with me for not being able to give an opinion on dinner. He said he wants to do his own things when I am there, and he feels that he needs to entertain me. I told him that he just needs to communicate. I don't mind whether he wants to do his own thing. I have given him a safe space to tell me. I would go back home without any issue if he feels trapped.

I asked him the reason why he has serious doubts. He said 1) whenever he asks me anything, I say whatever he likes. He appreciates that I let him make decisions, but it bothers him that the relationship is all about him. I don't have my stand. To that, I reply to him, that we were in casual for way too long. I was so anxious to give you any anxiety by saying, let's go out for dinner, or let's do this, especially when you made sure that I don't develop feelings for you. That fear still lives in me, that I will cause you (a commitment-phobic) anxiety. Secondly, my bf takes antidepressants, mood stabilizers, viagra, and ADHD meds to give more context. His mood fluctuates a lot in a day, so I let him take decisions, which backfired. 2) He said intellectual incompatibility. He is brilliant; he knows a lot of things about a lot of topics. I am a scientist, on the other hand, but maybe not as intellectual as him. We both don't have common hobbies. He is in computer, and I am in science- biology. He uses to play many video games with his ex; on the other hand, I don't even know how to play video games. 3) He sometimes feels like I am his younger brother, following him. And, following him in a sense, no good conversations, just following him.

So, now we are giving it a try. he says he has serious doubts, but he is optimistic, and he will give this a try.

However, I feel so hurt. I think I have so kind, generous, considerate, but I am constantly in a place feeling insecure where he changes his mind about me every 2 weeks. And when I bring that in the conversation, he says this has been the problem with his past girlfriends; they all felt insecure. He realizes that, but he doesn't know to fix it. He doesn't want to fix it. And, he should just live alone. Just fluff, no mention of trying to make his partner secure.

He was scrolling some conversation next me on his phone, and I saw him telling his friend that he is tired, there is work drama, relationship drama. exit (0). I am not a coder, but I imagine he meant he would like to terminate this? 

I need comments, suggestions, opinions, anything from you all, please. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, happyunow said:

1.He told me after three dates that he is a commitment-phobe.

2.my bf takes antidepressants, mood stabilizers, viagra, and ADHD meds to give more context. His mood fluctuates a lot in a day

Unfortunately you're incompatible on some levels. However these two things alone are huge red flags you need to reflect on...or better yet, run from.

[spiderowl]

Omg, why are you with someone who has kept you in the state of uncertainty and insecurity for so long? I would not interpret commitment-phobe as a normal kind of phobia - you seem to be avoiding saying/doing anything that might make him anxious and that might make him run.  Surely this is an intolerable situation for you?  Pay attention to your feelings, how this man is making you feel - upset and insecure.

There are so many red flags in this relationship: he has said he is commitment-phobic, he was in touch with his ex and chasing her for a while, he is reluctant to commit to anything public and then blames you if you get confused about your status.  Now he is uncertain again.  This is horrible for you.

I do not think that by hanging onto this guy's every word, doing his bidding, and hanging on to him, you will keep him.  You are going to lose this guy anyway because he is all over the place and, if he is committed to you, you are the last person to know!

I think if you avoid all conflict in order to try to keep him, you are wasting your time.  In fact, you are probably better off without this perpetual insecurity.  Whatever is going on, he has reduced you to trembling insecurity, a shadow of yourself, and someone who dare not put a foot wrong.  He is really in control of you, isn't he?  Is this the life you want?

Edited July 27, 2021 by spiderowl

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I know it is hard to let go of someone you care about but this relationship was built on a shady foundation and will eventually fall down.  You are just wasting your time.

‘Each day you stay, the lower you will go in both self esteem and self worth.  And the hard truth is that each rung down you go, he loses more respect for you.

He has very little respect for you now and it shows in how he treats you.  BUT you need to take full responsibility in owning that you LET him treat you like this.

I have been in the situation you are in.  I thought that if I let him have his way he would be happier but it made him unhappy because he was never challenged or given the opportunity to “give”.  A relationship without mutual give and take is one sided and void of connection.

I suggest you take a break from him for 3 months. Go no contact and work on yourself.  If he does love you he will make the effort to get you back and you can work to rebuild a more solid foundation.

if he does not then you know where you stand and can look for someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. 

This was never going to work out, though. He was clear from the very beginning that he didn't have those feelings for you, and he's been wishy-washy and noncommital ever since.

You have to learn a tough lesson here: being kind and caring and considerate doesn't mean the other person will suddenly notice your value and fall in love with you. It's a waste of time to contiuously campaign for someone's affection and commitment if they're not naturally inclined to give you that. 

I would not recommend talking to him about it again, or taking a break from him. I would simply read the writing that is all over this wall and break up for good. This is not going to become the relaitonship you are hoping for. 

 

[d0nnivain]

He's a self proclaimed commitment phobe who has told you he doesn't want forever.  Why aren't you believing him? His actions match his words.  

He also didn't reciprocate on your birthday & you basically have to suppress yourself, not offering opinions & going with the flow, in an effort to appease him but it's having the opposite effect.  You are insecure because this is not the safe, loving relationship you want.  You know this is not good for you so why do you continue to force it?  The longer you are with him, the longer it will be until you find a relationship that works.  This doesn't.