jeunemadmoiselle Posted July 27, 2021 Posted July 27, 2021 I really don't know where to start with this, so here goes. I (25 yo female) have been with my boyfriend (24 yo male) for about 6 months. Because of past insecurities and needing to know somebody very well emotionally before dating, he is my first proper boyfriend, and where I initially was over the moon, I'm worried that my insecurities (and my boyfriend's personality which [not deliberately] feeds that) is damaging things. In answer to the question of why I haven't spoken to him, 1) As with many other things, I catastrophise and overthink and don't even know if these are even genuine issues and 2) My self confidence is so low that I am too worried too, and just think he will leave me and find another less weird girlfriend. From what I've gleaned from his friends and parents, he doesn't often have serious girlfriends, and I do sometimes wonder if he is (entirely unintentionally) immature on that part, and being entirely unaware that some behaviours upset/perturb me (although given that my self-confidence is so low, that doesn't take much!) This is the view of my friends, and surprisingly, my mother who described him as "a totally genuine and well-meaning yet emotionally immature dolt." I would be very grateful to any responses to this post - this is *not* me wanting false validation/immediate commands to dump him and end things, but I feel that there are several problems (all intermingled) that are very much upsetting me. Firstly, whereas I am the more "wear your heart on your sleeve person" he is I suppose the more silent type - I can tell he's so happy when we're together, as am I, and we share the same sense of humour, in-jokes, and date ideas, but I suppose as an old romantic, I would have liked...some sort of acknowledgement by now. I'm not expecting an "I love you" so soon, but I do worry that he doesn't even like me, and more just the idea of a girlfriend. I also worry that if something were to happen (e.g. a crisis where I needed his help) that he wouldn't think, or know how, to be there for me. Secondly, the time we spend together. I have met his parents several times and he mine, and many friends etc, and happily just booked our first holiday (with a bit of nudging from me) but on a general week we usually only see each other on Friday evenings and Saturday daytimes, although we both both work and live maybe half an hour away on the London tube. Whereas he seems perfectly fine with this level of interaction, I had hoped that as we dated for longer that we would naturally spend more days/evenings together. He seems fine with this level of interaction along with a few texts a day (we do occasionally meet for lunchtime dates, too) but (as a very insecure and needy person, I know) I see this as my not being important to him and it is really making me feel like an afterthought. However, I feel that if I bring it up, I'll look too needy and lonely. I would happily spend almost all our time together (a la romantic films, I suppose!) but I feel he definitely prefers his own space. Thirdly, which brings me on to friends. He is also lucky to have so many good schoolfriends living in London, whereas I do not. He has said several times how close his friends are to him and I know it is important that he does still see them despite now dating me, but my lack of friends (compared to his many) makes me more upset. He will suggest that I invite some friends of mine and their partners out for double dates, but I have very few friends in London (almost all are male, and do not have partners.) I worry that he thinks I am weird, or will want to leave me for a girlfriend who is more outgoing and with a larger social circle. Fourth and final point - money. Always a thorn in the side. The fact that he evidently earns more than me isn't an issue, and we take it in turns paying for things, but almost every restaurant he suggests we go to is really rather expensive and (despite my suggestions to cook and eat in more) it is something that he does enjoy. This is the most pressing issue I will speak to him about, but again that is doable and bothers me less than my worry that, again, he doesn't even like me at all, he just likes having a girlfriend to go to these places with. I know this is a large wall of text, but any replies to any bit of it would be very much appreciated.
Wiseman2 Posted July 27, 2021 Posted July 27, 2021 4 minutes ago, jeunemadmoiselle said: My self confidence is so low that I am too worried too, and just think he will leave me and find another less weird girlfriend. He's known you for 6 mos., so has a good feeling regarding what you're all about. Just be more confident in his judgement. Also at 6 mos., you haven't really hit a rhythm in some things while integrating your lives. That takes trial and error. So disregard some minor wobbles. 1
Author jeunemadmoiselle Posted July 28, 2021 Author Posted July 28, 2021 15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: He's known you for 6 mos., so has a good feeling regarding what you're all about. Just be more confident in his judgement. Also at 6 mos., you haven't really hit a rhythm in some things while integrating your lives. That takes trial and error. So disregard some minor wobbles. Hello, Can I firstly say thank you for a kind response, and also a level-headed and proactive response too, that is very reassuring to hear. I think I need to be more confident full stop! 2
clia Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 (edited) Quote Firstly, whereas I am the more "wear your heart on your sleeve person" he is I suppose the more silent type - I can tell he's so happy when we're together, as am I, and we share the same sense of humour, in-jokes, and date ideas, but I suppose as an old romantic, I would have liked...some sort of acknowledgement by now. I'm not expecting an "I love you" so soon, but I do worry that he doesn't even like me, and more just the idea of a girlfriend. I also worry that if something were to happen (e.g. a crisis where I needed his help) that he wouldn't think, or know how, to be there for me. Some of this might be inexperience on his part. But I have to admit that I would also be getting anxious without an "I love you" at this point. What do you mean by the bolded part? Quote Secondly, the time we spend together. I have met his parents several times and he mine, and many friends etc, and happily just booked our first holiday (with a bit of nudging from me) but on a general week we usually only see each other on Friday evenings and Saturday daytimes, although we both both work and live maybe half an hour away on the London tube. Whereas he seems perfectly fine with this level of interaction, I had hoped that as we dated for longer that we would naturally spend more days/evenings together. He seems fine with this level of interaction along with a few texts a day (we do occasionally meet for lunchtime dates, too) but (as a very insecure and needy person, I know) I see this as my not being important to him and it is really making me feel like an afterthought. However, I feel that if I bring it up, I'll look too needy and lonely. I would happily spend almost all our time together (a la romantic films, I suppose!) but I feel he definitely prefers his own space. So do you spend Friday evening together, spend the night, then Saturday day? At six months, in my opinion, you should also be spending at least one weeknight evening together as well. I wouldn't be happy seeing my boyfriend essentially only once (albeit an extended date) a week. It's not insecure and needy to want to increase the amount of time you see each other, as long as it's within reason. This is part of the natural progression of a relationship. Every day is not reasonable. Once, or even maybe twice, during the week, depending on schedules, is reasonable. That said, you mention below he has a lot of friends, so I assume that means he is busy with them as well. It can be very challenging when starting a new relationship to figure out how all of that fits together. He could be struggling a bit with that right now. I would suggest to him that you try to see each other once during the week and see what his reaction is. Also, what does he do on Saturday nights? Quote Thirdly, which brings me on to friends. He is also lucky to have so many good schoolfriends living in London, whereas I do not. He has said several times how close his friends are to him and I know it is important that he does still see them despite now dating me, but my lack of friends (compared to his many) makes me more upset. He will suggest that I invite some friends of mine and their partners out for double dates, but I have very few friends in London (almost all are male, and do not have partners.) I worry that he thinks I am weird, or will want to leave me for a girlfriend who is more outgoing and with a larger social circle. I don't think you should worry about what he thinks about it. But, I would ask why you don't have more friends? Are you new to the area? If I were you, I would start to get the things on your calendar to help you make some friends. You can make friends through women's organizations, sports leagues, volunteer organizations, Meetup groups, book clubs, etc. It's good to have friends, your own interests, your own life. You say above that you would like to spend all of your time with him. That's not reasonable, especially in light of the fact that he has so many friends who he wants to also spend time with. It will be easier for you to understand his position if you also have friends to see. Quote Fourth and final point - money. Always a thorn in the side. The fact that he evidently earns more than me isn't an issue, and we take it in turns paying for things, but almost every restaurant he suggests we go to is really rather expensive and (despite my suggestions to cook and eat in more) it is something that he does enjoy. This is the most pressing issue I will speak to him about, but again that is doable and bothers me less than my worry that, again, he doesn't even like me at all, he just likes having a girlfriend to go to these places with. With this, you just have to be up front with him about your budget and what you can afford to pay for when it's your turn to pay. If the expensive restaurants he suggests aren't in your budget, you have to tell him. And if he wants to go to those expensive restaurants with you, then he has to pay. You reciprocate by cooking for him or eating in, within your budget. He may be completely fine with this. Edited July 28, 2021 by clia
Author jeunemadmoiselle Posted July 28, 2021 Author Posted July 28, 2021 58 minutes ago, clia said: Hello Clia, Thank you so much for your extended and detailed response. I have responded to each of your points below. 58 minutes ago, clia said: Some of this might be inexperience on his part. But I have to admit that I would also be getting anxious without an "I love you" at this point. What do you mean by the bolded part? The bolded point (which should have just been regular font, sorry!) comes back to my worry that I am more invested in us as a couple than he is and for example if I needed support during perhaps work struggles or family issues, that he wouldn't be there to support me - but I suppose there isn't really a way to test this until it happens! As for the "I love you"...I know, I just suppose I'd be far too worried to be the one saying it first! Insecurities aside, I do see how happy we are together when we spend time together and do things together which is lovely to know, but still I would hope that he would think to say it at some point! So do you spend Friday evening together, spend the night, then Saturday day? At six months, in my opinion, you should also be spending at least one weeknight evening together as well. I wouldn't be happy seeing my boyfriend essentially only once (albeit an extended date) a week. It's not insecure and needy to want to increase the amount of time you see each other, as long as it's within reason. This is part of the natural progression of a relationship. Every day is not reasonable. Once, or even maybe twice, during the week, depending on schedules, is reasonable. That said, you mention below he has a lot of friends, so I assume that means he is busy with them as well. It can be very challenging when starting a new relationship to figure out how all of that fits together. He could be struggling a bit with that right now. I would suggest to him that you try to see each other once during the week and see what his reaction is. Also, what does he do on Saturday nights? Yes, Friday evening together, spend the night, then Saturday day and occasionally Saturday evenings. Saturday evenings are usually, I believe, often gaming with friends. We went through a period of mid-week lunches, but that was always work dependent. I would be very happy with a mid-week date, something low key like cooking dinner and a film, so am glad that you think it is something reasonable to suggest. I don't think you should worry about what he thinks about it. But, I would ask why you don't have more friends? Are you new to the area? If I were you, I would start to get the things on your calendar to help you make some friends. You can make friends through women's organizations, sports leagues, volunteer organizations, Meetup groups, book clubs, etc. It's good to have friends, your own interests, your own life. You say above that you would like to spend all of your time with him. That's not reasonable, especially in light of the fact that he has so many friends who he wants to also spend time with. It will be easier for you to understand his position if you also have friends to see. I was in an unfortunate position leaving university where most of my friends didn't move to London, so it was quite an awakening to realise that that close circle had disappeared. I am planning on joining local Zumba/yoga classes that my gym puts on, with a dual aim of having events in my week to occupy me, and to make new friends too. With this, you just have to be up front with him about your budget and what you can afford to pay for when it's your turn to pay. If the expensive restaurants he suggests aren't in your budget, you have to tell him. And if he wants to go to those expensive restaurants with you, then he has to pay. You reciprocate by cooking for him or eating in, within your budget. He may be completely fine with this. Again this comes back to my own insecurities of disagreeing/challenging with the (albeit quite silly) worry that disagreement would mean him wanting to leave me. I suppose my lack of saying anything up until now might have (quite inadvertently!) led him to think I'm as excited about them as he is? ## Overall, reading my post again and your amazingly thoughtful and detailed reply, I feel that it's an issue of 1) my own insecurities/low self-esteem which is undoubtedly not going to help the situation and 2) a man who (in my heart of hearts) I believe is genuine (although feel free to correct me if you think otherwise! ) but perhaps a combination of somewhat immature, hasn't really done this before, and has several things in his life including a very busy job, and perhaps just doesn't think? I feel the issues I need to bring up first are 1) the time we spend together (although I am happily looking forward to our first holiday together in a few weeks' time) to fix in midweek dates and 2) the money and spending. Something I know I do need to focus on myself is my levels of low self-confidence - I feel that constant negative thoughts and worries will affect this relationship unfairly (and if I'm honest are affecting other areas of my life including work), and expanding my social network to try and have other things in my life as well as my relationship.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 I think you are very idealistic with some of your concerns. Most people are serial monogamists. This means that once a relationship with one GF ends, they are going to find another one and rinse and repeat. They will usually marry the one that they are dating when they decide that their life is in the right place and time for marriage. The purpose of a relationship is to have someone to have sex with and do things with. It is very rarely about that specific person and more about not being alone. You shouldn't overthink that part, it's normal. 1
Author jeunemadmoiselle Posted July 28, 2021 Author Posted July 28, 2021 22 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said: I think you are very idealistic with some of your concerns. Most people are serial monogamists. This means that once a relationship with one GF ends, they are going to find another one and rinse and repeat. They will usually marry the one that they are dating when they decide that their life is in the right place and time for marriage. The purpose of a relationship is to have someone to have sex with and do things with. It is very rarely about that specific person and more about not being alone. You shouldn't overthink that part, it's normal. Well, idealistic and a dreamer is a very good way to describe me! (As well as an overthinker, sadly!)
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 Sorry but I see incompatibility in your expectations...they are no being met. When you meet the right person, they easily follow your rhythm without discussion..that they want to spend the same amount of time with you, want to integrate into your life and have you integrate into theirs. Becoming partners, sharing the same dreams and ideas. They romance you the way you expect. After 6 months you should be madly in love and crawling all over each other and attached at the hip. But he only sees you minimally, spends more time with friends, alone time. Most people adjust how they spend their free time with friend and focus more on the relationship....but has this happened for you? Just because this is your first doesn't mean you have to force yourself to stay and make this work. Your anxiety about this is valid IMO, you are not jumping to conclusions. I had those exceptions too. I dated someone who only saw me once a week, the rest of the time he was playing basketball with his buddies...that was his passion. After 3 weeks of that, I dumped him. I expected more than what he was willing to provide. It was the right decision for me. Anyways, something to gnaw on. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2021 Posted August 1, 2021 Your relationship sounds perfectly fine to me. The alarm bells going off in your head are false alarms driven by your own insecurity. If you were more confident you would be able to see that things are fine, solid even, for the beginning. Needing all sort of validation by texting constantly & expecting verbal reassurance from your SO is needy, clingy & unattractive. Rather than fretting about "problems" when there are none, spend some time working on your self esteem. Once you believe in yourself, you will see all this in a better, healthier light. If he likes eating out at places you can't afford, instead do more research to find hidden gems, quirky places with great food but lower prices & up your cooking game. On this note, if you want weekday dates, invite him over to your place for dinner on a week day. Start creating that pattern. If he is from London of course he has local friends & understands that you don't. Him wanting to intermingle your group & his is a good sign. Make an effort to make more female friends or invite somebody from back home to visit you & introduce that woman to your BF's buddies. Stop worrying that he won't know how to support you in a crisis. Still waters run deep. Most people step up in a crisis. If in the throws of a problem you need something specific from him, tell him. Do not expect him to read your mind. When we 1st married my husband was completely befuddled & had no idea what to do when I cried. I explained to him that if he saw tears he should hug me. He didn't have to talk. He didn't have to fix it. He just needed to hug me. He still doesn't always understand why I get upset or emotional about things but he knows that his role is to hug me & he does. So speak up & tell the guy exactly what you want but be specific.
Miss Spider Posted August 3, 2021 Posted August 3, 2021 (edited) On 7/28/2021 at 11:32 AM, Eternal Sunshine said: I think you are very idealistic with some of your concerns. Most people are serial monogamists. This means that once a relationship with one GF ends, they are going to find another one and rinse and repeat. They will usually marry the one that they are dating when they decide that their life is in the right place and time for marriage. The purpose of a relationship is to have someone to have sex with and do things with. It is very rarely about that specific person and more about not being alone. You shouldn't overthink that part, it's normal. This is so sad and cynical but so true. I feel like you can keep dating a guy who acts this way towards you if he’s really worth it to you, but the more compromises you’re going make(not him) and really less surprised you can be when you get 180 cheated on and dumped after being together 8 years married for 4 Sorry I just saw something like this in breakups forum and I highly doubt there were no signs Edited August 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough
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