We aren't in a relationship, but he got mad I got with someone else?

[ejane1]

So I have been seeing this guy for nearly a year now on and off. If you want to put a label on it I guess you could describe it as a “friends with benefits” situation. Thing is, I’ve known him for years and have always had feelings for him (we actually were in a relationship when we were young). But the past year we’ve started seeing each other again.

For the first few months, it was mainly sex, we would meet up here and there but it was very casual. Couple of months later I admitted I liked him, he said he had a “crush” on me but not the type of crush where he wanted to get in a relationship. We continued what we were doing until eventually I had to end it because I knew I was going to get hurt. He knew about my feelings and that I wanted a relationship, he made it clear that he did not, so we ended things.

It didn’t last very long as we started hanging out again, still though I knew he didn’t want to commit. He had been with other people and I was with one other guy. We continued meeting up etc for months until last April. My feelings got in the way again and he said it was best to end it because he didn’t want to lead me on and have me fall for him. I was absolutely heartbroken. I knew it was for the best because he did not want to commit and I always second guessed whether he even had any feelings for me or if he was just using me.

A week with no contact and after he ended it, he contacted me. We met up and he said “we can be exclusive if you want and see where it goes”. Although I was not overly happy with this, as he was not enthusiastic about it at all, more like he was making a compromise to keep me happy, I agreed. From April until now, July, we never once spoke about being “exclusive” again. It was not in any way made clear. I was constantly asking myself “are we even exclusive???” I genuinely thought he had forgotten about it. He does not bring me to his house to see his parents, nor does he see mine. He collects me at my house but only comes in if my parents are not home. Which always I thought was suspicious.

The past few months we have grown even more closer, together almost everyday, doing things together like going to the gym etc, I bought him an expensive birthday present, we still were not in a committed relationship. I would often think “is today going to finally be the day where he asks me”.  He never gave me any reassurance that yes it is going somewhere and I’m not just wasting my time.

It’s been going on for almost a year. I have always been scared in case he has been using me and just keeping me around until something better comes along. 

He has never been open about his feelings and never has said “I have feelings for you”. Anyways, a few days ago I went on a night out. I got extremely drunk and slept with another guy. I barely even remember it, if I was sober not a chance would it have happened. I even asked him to meet me out but he was busy.

If I had any intention of getting with someone else I never would have asked him out. I told him the next morning, and I got a reaction I was not expecting. He never showed any jealousy before, told me straight out he wasn’t a jealous person, even if other guys were texting me he never seemed bothered. But I think there was no reason for him to be as nasty as he was. Said he “made it clear we were exclusive”, that he lost all trust and respect for me, said “imagine if I brought you home to meet my parents now lol”. It broke my heart because his opinion means so much to me and I would hate for him to think badly of me.

For the past 2 days I’ve barely eaten or slept, I’ve felt physically sick from guilt. I feel so bad, not knowing whether I’m a terrible person and if this is all my fault. We have not spoken in 2 days since I told him. I sent him a big message explaining myself and how sorry I was and that it never would have happened if I knew he was serious about being exclusive. But he ignored me. I don’t know whether he never wants to speak to me again or if he needs time to cool down. I would really appreciate your advice and thoughts on this and what you think I should do! I don’t know what I would do without him and I really really want to make it work with him. Am I completely at fault or do I have a right as he hasn’t committed to me?

Edited July 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Don't feel guilty about your actions.

Most of all do not discuss your personal business with someone who keeps you at arms length and treats you poorly, like you're disposable.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

He's a jerk and chasing him is a fool's errand.

[ItsTheDay]

Well, you two agreed to be exclusive and you slept with someone else.  

[d0nnivain]

You are not a terrible person but you have a meaningful communications gap. 

You were in a committed relationship.  When he came back in April he told you that you two were exclusive.  I don't understand why you didn't believe him.  I really don't understand why you needed him to ask a 2nd time but never told him that.  You sat there in silence being upset because he didn't come in to meet your parents or introduce you to his parents but you never told him.  The man is not a mind reader.   He probably thought everything was fine because he committed & gave you what you wanted exclusivity.  You never discussed with him that you felt so insecure in the relationship & wanted more reassurances then you were being given.  In the face of that you cheated & now he's done.  I don't blame him.  Actions have consequences.  

Leave him be & grieve the loss of the relationship.  Next time take somebody at their word when they say you are exclusive & learn to speak up if you have concerns about how your relationship is playing out 

[ShyViolet]

It was a huge mistake to stay in this half-a** relationship with the guy who told you loud and clear, twice, that he didn't want to commit to you.  Finally he caved and said he was willing to make it exclusive, but you keep saying that he didn't seem excited about it and he didn't make you feel like he was really committed to you.  YOU chose to stay in this bad relationship for as long as you did, and let this guy keep you at arm's length.  You obviously recognized that this was a bad relationship and that his feelings for you were never strong, but it's sad that you didn't have enough self-respect to come to the conclusion that you should have walked away long ago.  It makes no sense that you stuck around for so long.  Why don't you find someone who is actually excited about being with you?

[Love Yourself First]

You needed assurances after he committed which is all fair and good but you need to communicate that. Clearly you had an expectation of him that went unmet and at the end of the day, it just is what it is, but remember to work on yourself, build your confidence so you don't need assurances and you feel good about trusting somebody, you gotta be able to trust yourself and love yourself before you can truly enjoy the people in your life, otherwise we can often chase them away or even sabotage ourselves because we dont feel worth

Edited July 28, 2021 by Love Yourself First

[introverted1]

On 7/27/2021 at 5:23 AM, ejane1 said:

We met up and he said “we can be exclusive if you want and see where it goes”. Although I was not overly happy with this, as he was not enthusiastic about it at all, more like he was making a compromise to keep me happy, I agreed.

You agreed to exclusivity and then slept with someone else.

If you didn't like the terms of the arrangement -- exclusivity without any declaration of deep feelings -- then you should have said something.  Agreeing and then going out and sleeping with someone else is a violation of your agreement and his trust.

[Alpacalia]

It's probably not a good idea to have agreed to be exclusive with someone you're casually sleeping with.

Similarly, there was little to no strong foundation for this to conclude any other way than the way it did.

The guy has been wishy washy for well over a year.

[glows]

On 7/27/2021 at 2:23 AM, ejane1 said:

So I have been seeing this guy for nearly a year now on and off. If you want to put a label on it I guess you could describe it as a “friends with benefits” situation. Thing is, I’ve known him for years and have always had feelings for him (we actually were in a relationship when we were young). But the past year we’ve started seeing each other again.

For the first few months, it was mainly sex, we would meet up here and there but it was very casual. Couple of months later I admitted I liked him, he said he had a “crush” on me but not the type of crush where he wanted to get in a relationship. We continued what we were doing until eventually I had to end it because I knew I was going to get hurt. He knew about my feelings and that I wanted a relationship, he made it clear that he did not, so we ended things.

It didn’t last very long as we started hanging out again, still though I knew he didn’t want to commit. He had been with other people and I was with one other guy. We continued meeting up etc for months until last April. My feelings got in the way again and he said it was best to end it because he didn’t want to lead me on and have me fall for him. I was absolutely heartbroken. I knew it was for the best because he did not want to commit and I always second guessed whether he even had any feelings for me or if he was just using me.

A week with no contact and after he ended it, he contacted me. We met up and he said “we can be exclusive if you want and see where it goes”. Although I was not overly happy with this, as he was not enthusiastic about it at all, more like he was making a compromise to keep me happy, I agreed. From April until now, July, we never once spoke about being “exclusive” again. It was not in any way made clear. I was constantly asking myself “are we even exclusive???” I genuinely thought he had forgotten about it. He does not bring me to his house to see his parents, nor does he see mine. He collects me at my house but only comes in if my parents are not home. Which always I thought was suspicious.

The past few months we have grown even more closer, together almost everyday, doing things together like going to the gym etc, I bought him an expensive birthday present, we still were not in a committed relationship. I would often think “is today going to finally be the day where he asks me”.  He never gave me any reassurance that yes it is going somewhere and I’m not just wasting my time.

It’s been going on for almost a year. I have always been scared in case he has been using me and just keeping me around until something better comes along. 

He has never been open about his feelings and never has said “I have feelings for you”. Anyways, a few days ago I went on a night out. I got extremely drunk and slept with another guy. I barely even remember it, if I was sober not a chance would it have happened. I even asked him to meet me out but he was busy.

If I had any intention of getting with someone else I never would have asked him out. I told him the next morning, and I got a reaction I was not expecting. He never showed any jealousy before, told me straight out he wasn’t a jealous person, even if other guys were texting me he never seemed bothered. But I think there was no reason for him to be as nasty as he was. Said he “made it clear we were exclusive”, that he lost all trust and respect for me, said “imagine if I brought you home to meet my parents now lol”. It broke my heart because his opinion means so much to me and I would hate for him to think badly of me.

For the past 2 days I’ve barely eaten or slept, I’ve felt physically sick from guilt. I feel so bad, not knowing whether I’m a terrible person and if this is all my fault. We have not spoken in 2 days since I told him. I sent him a big message explaining myself and how sorry I was and that it never would have happened if I knew he was serious about being exclusive. But he ignored me. I don’t know whether he never wants to speak to me again or if he needs time to cool down. I would really appreciate your advice and thoughts on this and what you think I should do! I don’t know what I would do without him and I really really want to make it work with him. Am I completely at fault or do I have a right as he hasn’t committed to me?

I would challenge you to think over this and reframe the situation. You've been wanting or seeking his approval for a very long time. It would therefore be very natural for you to experience painful or serious downfall if his opinion of you is negative. Why is his approval of you so important in the first place? Someone who can't cherish you or won't love you in the way you wish to be loved isn't someone worth spending an extra moment on. Your life is precious so why should you spend it worshipping someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings? You're in a rut because you keep telling yourself and framing this as if his opinion actually matters. It doesn't. 

If he's not someone you can trust or rely on, why trust or rely on him? You're shooting yourself in the foot and overinvesting. Maybe you have a pattern of doing this with partners who don't treat you the way you ought to be treated. Leave this guy and find someone else who appreciates you very well from the start. 

[stillafool]

On 7/27/2021 at 5:23 AM, ejane1 said:

I was constantly asking myself “are we even exclusive???” 

This is what you should have been asking him rather than wondering.  It's over now because he's probably thinking if he told you that you guys were exclusive and then you go out drinking and can fall into sex with another man so easily you aren't the one for him.  In your next situation speak up and tell them what you're thinking and feeling because nobody can read minds.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry, OP.  He was very serious about being sexually exclusive - he didn't want you sleeping with others while sleeping with him - but he has not hinted at or confirmed that he wants a full relationship with emotional and sexual exclusivity and commitment.  You have been feeling uneasy about this for some time now, you know you have.

You have broken the sexual exclusivity 'deal'; whether it was a deal worth having is another matter.  It is basically a deal whereby he knows you won't sleep with anyone else until he finds the girl he wants a relationship with.  He has not offered you anything else.  He is angry because you broke that deal and now he can't trust you to be 'pure' and sexually safe for him.  It does not sound like he is upset because you might have preferred someone else to him (not that you have said that's why it happened at all).

Essentially, you have nothing with this guy so why you want to stay with him and be sexually exclusive with him is something to wonder about.  You are only likely to get hurt when he finds the woman he can commit to.  Given past form, I would prepare to be dumped.  If he is not in love with you, he has no reason to forgive you, other than to get more sex and only if you keep your word a second time.

Could it be that in your heart of hearts you made this 'mistake' to provoke a reaction from him, to see if he really did care?  Perhaps, deep down you were feeling that he didn't care enough and this was a kind of cry for help?  I think you deserve better than being sexually available to a guy who does not love you and will not commit.  Think twice about apologising and maybe retain your dignity and leave him to allow yourself to find a guy who really loves you.  These agonising non-committal situations tend to get blown apart by some accidental crisis or another; they are fundamentally unsustainable.  People have feelings and you have denied yours for so long.  Your feelings matter too.

 

[lisaoliver]

It was immense mistake, that you're thinking really about "we can be exclusive". You see "if you want and see where it goes". Perhaps he has never been open about his feelings, but people and thoughts are different and someone need more time. But, if time isn't solution, and you don't feel changes with your partner - you need to try to notice details like: little thing about him, what only you can notice; romantic feelings without sexual excitement to him.

Edited August 4, 2021 by lisaoliver

[mark clemson]

Quote

We aren't in a relationship, but he got mad I got with someone else?

That's the thing about FWBs (for some folks). Often enough, sooner or later someone "catches feelings".  So it's not really a shock he got mad. 

You don't need to feel TOO guilty. What you need to do is decide what you want this to be, and then see if he (really) wants it to be the same thing. And proceed from there.

There are people in the world with an "avoidant attachment style". They like to keep others at a distance in some ways. However, for many of them, even though it's "at a distance" it's STILL attachment. So they can get hurt, feel betrayed, etc. Not sure if that's what's going on with one or both of you, but consider that.

At any rate, this might be the kick in the pants that gets both of you to decide it's a "real" relationship.

[unrequitedlover1]

Unrequited love can shatter the soul and every moment can seem like an eternity in hell.
UNREQUITED LOVE! doesn't return to ash; it's simply whipped to a mysterious place where it covers up, twisted, and injured. For certain unfortunates, it turns harsh and means, and the individuals who come after taking care of the injury done by the person who preceded."

Finding your perfect life partner is a blessing, However, finding your teammate is an entire diverse blessing. You can cherish somebody a great deal and they can adore you a similar way, Yet them being focused on never abondoning you is extremely valuable. Love and team go together inseparably. Also, when you have at last discovered your partner in adoration and in life you will be honored on both side of the coin.

[Lotsgoingon]

Once you agree to go exclusive, that agreement (to make a legal analogy here) is in effect until it is canceled by one or both of the parties.

In other words, couples don't every two weeks, say to each, "we're still exclusive right?"

Now was he dumb to not strengthen the wording of the agreement? Yes.  Were you dumb to not insist on more clarity if your body felt insecure even if the words were there?  Yes.

There are six-year-olds more clear with their feelings than you guys are. 

BTW: cut out all the "I don't remember" nonsense about sleeping with with another man. That's an old male excuse. Nobody believes that. In fact people can deliberately get themselves drunk in order to push aside their inhibitions to have sex. Own what you did. Drunk has nothing to do with it. Now this guy shouldn't have slept with you while drunk, but my bet is you deliberately slept with him despite being drunk. BTW #2: your sleeping with this other guy is what is known as anger and acting out against your non-taking current man. You were angry--that's why you did it. Whether you can admit that or not. 

Ok, let me get this right. Your exclusivity agreement was these words:  “we can be exclusive if you want and see where it goes”-- OMG, that is the lamest exclusive talk I've ever heard And you let him get away with those words.  Your answer should have been no, you want an exclusive dating relationship only if and when he also equally wants that. Don't let the exclusivity be put on you. 

This kind of behavior is exactly what happens when you discount your own feelings and needs in a relationship. You act out.