Is she interested I can't work her out

[Thatmartinguy]

So I see this women every now and again in my neighbourhood we’ve always said hello etc for about 5 years. I saw her washing her car one day and started chatting about products she was using and I was recommending some to her etc she started showing me some scratches I offered to polish them for her to see if I could get them out. She took my number and I said when we are both free and I can have the car for a morning or afternoon il have a go. We arranged a day and I went to town on her car as I was really attracted to her and wanted to impress she was over the moon and was super happy. Putting her hand on my shoulder and was really bubbly and we had a good chat and laugh she seemed super nice and that was that. Anyway few days later she text me have you got a minute? She came round with some champagne to say thank you.

 

now fast forward we occasionally bump into each other and have a good chat about life, what were doing etc she asks me so much about myself that it’s hard to even ask her much about herself. Almost like she quizzes me. I told her about my job that I own businesses, we got talking about cars and she was all over the fact I’ve done quite well for myself she kept complimenting me with things like wow your so motivated and ambitious you make me feel so lazy etc we have chatted quite a lot I eventually managed to ask her about her life she was married about 8 years ago and had nothing serious since. She is very independent from what she says she has her own life, is strong and looks after her whole family, has tons of friends. 
 

I started to text her quite a bit she would reply with great enthusiasm my “hey good morning how are you?” Would get a reply like an essay about what she’s been doing what she’s going to be doing and generally very responsive here’s the tricky part she’s only ever actually initiated texting me like once or twice in the few months we’ve been texting on and off. but again everytime I text her she replied with enthusiasm she would ask me about things  so it’s baffling me whether she’s interested , shy, too busy to text or she’s just being polite because she doesn’t want to shut me down. I’ve started to get really keen on her and I don’t want to get too far into it if it’s a waste of my time. 
 

ive been reading a lot online about texting and if she doesn’t initiate then just go silent and see if she does ever text me. My worry is if I do this and she never texts me I’ve lost out whereas I could try keep ticking things over and breaking the barrier down and just text once or twice a week like I have been doing for a catch up. 
 

also to mention on numerous occasions I’ve made the awkward and shameful mistake of texting whilst on drugs and drink she knows that too as I’ve apologised the day after . I’ve probably said some cringey and forward things to her which I hope hasn’t put her off. 

[Daisydooks]

Why not ask her out for coffee or dinner? Stop with the texting and give her a call and ask her out formally 

[chillii]

How did she react when you apologized for the cringe stuff ?

Anyway , imo not much to go on bc you did her car so she's grateful for that or feels like she better be, does like you to chat to a bit at least when the chance pops up too, other than that it's hard to say. Not messaging you first, l dunno what women are like where you are but many wouldn't here until they were more sure about where your at where your both at. She's probably asking friends and wondering the same things about you , even if she wasn't interested she'd still be wondering if you were or if your just the nice neighbour down the road.

Think you'll need to actually ask her out to take it any further or find out .

[basil67]

Leading with favours is not a good way to find out if someone is interested.   My hubby sometimes gets asked to do IT support by neighbours and they always give him a bottle of something special in return.   The only way to know if she's interested is to ask her if she'd like to go on a date with you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Thatmartinguy said:

I’ve made the awkward and shameful mistake of texting whilst on drugs and drink she knows that too

Woman here. I have to say, I would be a bit put off by this. She might be a little wary of you if she thinks you make of habit of getting high or drunk. What kind of drugs are we talking about, OP?

But if she's still responding - ask her out already. Texting for months is a time-waster. Then at least you will know if there is something to work with, or if you should just drop the whole idea altogether. 

Edited July 27, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Thatmartinguy said:

   on numerous occasions I’ve made the awkward and shameful mistake of texting whilst on drugs and drink she knows that too as I’ve apologised the day after . 

Why not ask her out?

She probably is put off by the texts. But suggesting going out is the only way to find out.

Were they lewd or inappropriate?

 

[Thatmartinguy]

She reacted pretty cool to the embarrassing stuff things like don't stress its ok lol. Cocaine but I didn't specifically tell her that but I think she knows as in one of our chats we spoke about drugs and about when we were younger and did things, I said I am going through a really tough time and getting high and drunk helps although recently I told her I am in a better place and feeling good focusing on the gym etc. 

This is what I forgot to mention, I kinda did ask her out in a casual way I saw a bike in her garage and told her I go a lot in the summer, after I text her and said she should come with me one day she replied biking isn't her thing and she never uses it as it hurts her legs and kinda shut that down so I left it open to her, she has a clear idea I like her, I told her openly im very drawn to her and with the embarrassing texts she definitely knows. I wouldn't say I said anything too bad or discusting or anything it was mainly like saying I check her out when i see her and i sent her a pic of my car dirty she said its filthy i said like its owner then ;) lolol cringe. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Thatmartinguy said:

I said I am going through a really tough time and getting high and drunk helps

This would be a big red flag, if a man told me the same thing. 

I don't mean to make you feel bad, but a guy needing drugs and alcohol to cope is not going to sit well with most women. It would put me right off, if I'm being totally honest. We're all human, obviously, but it would give me serious reservations about dating him. She might be thinking the same thing, especially if you send her cringey messages when you're under the influence. 

In any event, as I said before, all you can do is try your luck and ask her out. Not hint at it, but actually ask if she'd like to grab a coffee or some such thing. 

[Thatmartinguy]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This would be a big red flag, if a man told me the same thing. 

I don't mean to make you feel bad, but a guy needing drugs and alcohol to cope is not going to sit well with most women. It would put me right off, if I'm being totally honest. We're all human, obviously, but it would give me serious reservations about dating him. She might be thinking the same thing, especially if you send her cringey messages when you're under the influence. 

In any event, as I said before, all you can do is try your luck and ask her out. Not hint at it, but actually ask if she'd like to grab a coffee or some such thing. 

Yeah i completely get that i would probably be the same if the shoe was on the other foot. should i maybe make a point of telling her im all clean now or just forget about it? looks like im gonna have to pluck up the courage and ask her lol i haven't spoke to her in a while so think il flirt and chat to her some more first then ask. ive been out of the game a long time and very rusty. if i see her in a morning is it acceptable to say things like morning gorgeous or is that too much ? lol i just keep thinking of saying it thats all as she is pretty gorgeous.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Thatmartinguy said:

if i see her in a morning is it acceptable to say things like morning gorgeous or is that too much ?

Yeah, just as creepy as telling her "you're filthy". No offense but you sound like a young dirty old man and proud of it.

Go to bars and sleazy places if you want to pick up women with these tactics. Some barfly may respond to it.

[Thatmartinguy]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yeah, just as creepy as telling her "you're filthy". No offense but you sound like a young dirty old man and proud of it.

Go to bars and sleazy places if you want to pick up women with these tactics. Some barfly may respond to it.

Hahaha tbh your bang on so no offence taken it’s not tactics it’s just more natural to me I’m cheeky and often say the wrong thing as I speak my mind too much especially after a drink or whatever else. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmmm ... I wonder if you friend-zoned yourself by offering to polish her car. I mean, you never want to assume there is a natural progression from doing anything and asking someone out. And you put yourself in a business relationship with her. Not saying the door is totally closed. But why not chat and just ask her out instead of offering to polish her car?

This is a tricky one and doesn't work for everyone: my test of if someone is kinda into me for a possible date is something along the lines of "is it getting harder and harder requiring suppression) to not ask the person out?" If I'm working really hard to not ask the person out, in my experience that means the energy is there to just naturally ask the person out. Every time I've had that feeling of really wanting to ask someone out and yet I played it cautious and safe, it always turned out later that the person was interested in me asking them out.

The problem with my advice is that you really have to have a fine-tuned sense of reading the energy between two people, the energy of conversation and smiles. Texting a lot is not an indicator of such energy. This woman's long texts COULD be an indicator. Asking you questions could be a good sign. Next time that happens, step up and say something like, "Hey, I'd like to hear about you." And maybe throw in something like, "I really like your energy." 

Just go for the safe move if you want to be cautious. ""I always enjoy talking and texting with you, Would love to meet you for X some time.  You'll see her reaction, be able to assess her level of enthusiasm. The ask is a bit ambiguous (you could just platonically like her energy) so you're not committing to be head over hills over her. But in person, you should be able to assess the energy. 

And go ahead and tell her (assuming it's true) that you like her energy energy and enthusiasm. Long texting will not answer the question you're asking. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Thatmartinguy said:

i haven't spoke to her in a while so think il flirt and chat to her some more first then ask. ive been out of the game a long time and very rusty. if i see her in a morning is it acceptable to say things like morning gorgeous or is that too much ?

No, don't lead with "Morning, gorgeous." Especially if you haven't spoken to her in a while. It comes across as sleazy. 

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just go for the safe move if you want to be cautious. ""I always enjoy talking and texting with you, Would love to meet you for X some time.

I recommend the above suggestion, OP. 

It's friendly and open. Her response will tell you what you need to know, and how to proceed. 

[Miss Spider]

Please, God, do not say “good morning gorgeous” just please? 

[Thatmartinguy]

Lol ok so what are typical things that are ok to say but flirty to gauge interest ? I’ve never been in this position before I’ve only ever dated girls I knew were interested or met online so it’s kinda new to me what’s acceptable and normal to say to flirt in person. 

[smackie9]

Just say "hey Lisa, it's such a nice day, I was wondering if you are not doing anything, I would like to take you out for lunch."

The trick is, to stop over thinking it.

Edited July 27, 2021 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 

The trick is, to stop over thinking it.

 

[JRabbit]

He doesn't wan to do the straight ask out because she might say "NO" and end his little fantasy.

IMO you are not in a place to be dating. Please stay away from these women who do not need to brought into your issues right now.  Focus on yourself. When you are in a bad place it is not the time to be entering relationships and damaging others.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Thatmartinguy said:

ok so what are typical things that are ok to say but flirty to gauge interest ?

Can I polish your bumpers?

[Thatmartinguy]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can I polish your bumpers?

Perfect 

[Lotsgoingon]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Just say "hey Lisa, it's such a nice day, I was wondering if you are not doing anything, I would like to take you out for lunch."

^^

This is the way to say you wanna go. Talk to her just like this!

"Morning gorgeous" is  too strong,, and it commits you too much. You might hang out with her and learn more about her and realize she's a jerk or empty or annoying. One reason you are psyching yourself out about asking her out is you are already assuming she's really worth pursuing. That's high school.

Instead, you want to ask her out to begin to literally get to know her better and to begin to figure out if she is worth pursuing! Stop assuming that YOU are interested and thus you only need to figure out her interest. You ask her out just to explore your interest, to see what she's really like. You don't know her. You've interacted with her in a very limited way. 

 

[Thatmartinguy]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

^^

This is the way to say you wanna go. Talk to her just like this!

"Morning gorgeous" is  too strong,, and it commits you too much. You might hang out with her and learn more about her and realize she's a jerk or empty or annoying. One reason you are psyching yourself out about asking her out is you are already assuming she's really worth pursuing. That's high school.

Instead, you want to ask her out to begin to literally get to know her better and to begin to figure out if she is worth pursuing! Stop assuming that YOU are interested and thus you only need to figure out her interest. You ask her out just to explore your interest, to see what she's really like. You don't know her. You've interacted with her in a very limited way. 

 

In all honesty we have spoken a LOT. One day we chatted for probably 5 hours straight on the street whilst I helped her with her car. We have chatted on and off a lot so we pretty much know the ins and outs of each other’s life’s. 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, Thatmartinguy said:

In all honesty we have spoken a LOT. One day we chatted for probably 5 hours straight on the street whilst I helped her with her car. We have chatted on and off a lot so we pretty much know the ins and outs of each other’s life’s. 

If you’ve been talking that long, just ask her out. She knows if she likes you that way or not by now. Sleeping on it won’t make a difference 

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, Thatmartinguy said:

In all honesty we have spoken a LOT. One day we chatted for probably 5 hours straight on the street whilst I helped her with her car. We have chatted on and off a lot so we pretty much know the ins and outs of each other’s life’s. 

The point is not to speak a lot. The point is to ask her out. Speaking a lot can be blather about all kinds of topics. A conversation that advances romantic interest does not have to be 5 hours long.