My ex and I have reconnected, but

[ItsTheDay]

So here's my original post about my ex and I....

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/601191-8-years-gone-mixed-signals-i-need-some-input/

Now, it's been a little over a month since her and I have reconnected. The reason being is unfortunate but, she lost someone in her family. I was trying to help out as much as I can and free up her time so she could be with her family. In the beginning, I was staying at her house and sometimes I was staying there during the week while she was home, I would be sleeping in a separate room. 

We have been spending a lot of time together, mainly on the weekends and sometimes during the week. We've been texting a lot, she'll text me good morning every morning and good night most nights, just not on the nights she goes out with her friends. I've still been helping her out around the house, we go shopping together and we'll usually spend the evenings laying her in bed watching Netflix or something. We'll cuddle but we haven't kissed or anything like that. We actually had a talk about that and I told her I don't want to rush back into things, and she also made a comment that it's not that she doesn't want to kiss me it's just she's a commitment type of person. Now being a guy, I thought of the worse and that she wants to kiss and do things with other guys if the opportunity arises.

This past Saturday we spent all day and night together, that's how we've been spending Saturdays. I usually go over there early Saturday mornings, cooked us breakfast, did things around her house and went out shopping with her and then just did whatever, it went go as always. Laid in her bed watching some TV while cuddling. Night was coming to an end and when I was leaving she asked me what my plans we tomorrow. I told her I just had to do some grocery shopping and nothing else was planned. She asked if I wanted to do it together and I said sure, that would nice.    

Yesterday I come over and we talked a little more. She asked me if we're doing the right thing. She said she loves and enjoys spending time with me, she really likes how things are going but she's not ready to commit to anything. She said she still needs to work on herself, she loves the freedom she's been having to be able to go out when she wants and talk to who she wants. I reminded her that I never once held her back from going out with her friends, and she did it a lot during out relationship and she said yes that's true, but she couldn't talk or meet other guys. I reminded her that it's a bar scene where she's meeting these guys. She said she knows and she has had to put plenty of guys back in their place, she went out Friday night and told me she had to then. I told her I'm not rushing back into things and I haven't pressured her to either, she said she knows and is aware of that. She said she feels like she's losing focus on herself and I've been doing so much for her and she doesn't give me anything in return. I asked her what it is she thinks I want in return, because I don't want sex in return and I never gave her that impression. She said she knows it's not sex and I never once tried anything on her but she said she thinks I want her, a relationship and a commitment. I said well yeah, I never not wanted those things but I'm not pressuring her. 

So we did out shopping, we came back and ate together. She then asked we what I wanted to do for the rest of the day. I told her I was actually just going to go back to my place and start cooking my food for the week. She said "oh" like in a confused kind of way. She asked if I wanted to come back over when I was finished and I just said we'll see. So I go home and about an hour or so later she texted me saying she's not upset that I left but she thought we would spending more time together. I told her that was a little confusing because earlier she was telling me she felt like she wasn't getting time to herself. She replied with "yeah and clearly I'm confused too, sorry". 

I feel like she's giving me mixed signals. Anybody have any input on this?     

 

   

[chillii]

Sorry but your wasting your time .Your like a friend or one of her gf's , a sorta guy friend /gf around that she can play with when there's no one else around or anything else to do.

And tbh , all this needs to work on herself malarkey is just a load of bs. What she really needs to work on is having fun out there and meeting new guys. l mean no woman that's really interested in you as a real partner and relationship needs to be out there having fun and meeting new guys and wanting to talk to who ever they want too. She'd want to be with you.

l don't know wth your waiting on her hand and foot like this and hanging round, really . So what she was going through some stuff well, it's not like she's home in tears every night , she's still more worried about going out and meeting new guys. What are you even doing there like that you sound like her pet poodle. Sorry if that sounds harsh but really , comon !

You need to break away from this total rubbish and get back to your own life. And if it's a relationship you want then you need to stay away from her and find somebody that really wants to be with you.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stop being her surrgoate boyfriend, OP. 

Currently you're just filling a void until she meets a guy she wants to date. Then you will kick yourself for giving the Boyfriend Experience without any commitment from her. She needs to live with her choice of being single.

It's time to put an end to this nonsense, or your heart will get shredded once she moves on. 

 

[ItsTheDay]

12 hours ago, chillii said:

Sorry but your wasting your time .Your like a friend or one of her gf's , a sorta guy friend /gf around that she can play with when there's no one else around or anything else to do.

And tbh , all this needs to work on herself malarkey is just a load of bs. What she really needs to work on is having fun out there and meeting new guys. l mean no woman that's really interested in you as a real partner and relationship needs to be out there having fun and meeting new guys and wanting to talk to who ever they want too. She'd want to be with you.

l don't know wth your waiting on her hand and foot like this and hanging round, really . So what she was going through some stuff well, it's not like she's home in tears every night , she's still more worried about going out and meeting new guys. What are you even doing there like that you sound like her pet poodle. Sorry if that sounds harsh but really , comon !

You need to break away from this total rubbish and get back to your own life. And if it's a relationship you want then you need to stay away from her and find somebody that really wants to be with you.

To be fair, the working on herself is pretty legit. She is getting professional help with that.  

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to stop being her surrgoate boyfriend, OP. 

Currently you're just filling a void until she meets a guy she wants to date. Then you will kick yourself for giving the Boyfriend Experience without any commitment from her. She needs to live with her choice of being single.

It's time to put an end to this nonsense, or your heart will get shredded once she moves on. 

We actually talked about this a few nights ago, about filling a void. I told her I feared that's all I'm doing is filling a void but she told me I'm not. She said of course she missed and misses me and missed these things we're doing again. She loves how things are going but she's being cautious on her feelings and wants to take things slowly. 

We also talked some more about this the other day, I told her how I felt and my feelings when I hear her say she doesn't want to commit to anything just yet. I told her it makes me feel like I'm keeping her company until someone else she feels better comes along. She told me that is defiantly not what this is, she wants to be in a better place mentally and emotionally before starting a relationship.    

[spiderowl]

It is a confusing situation for you both.  Neither of you want to rush back into a relationship but you are doing relationship things.

She seems to be saying she is enjoying your companionship, but she'd still like to be free to flirt with other guys.

I don't think hanging around with her like this is going to help you at all.  As long as she is non-committal, you are going to be stuck in limbo.  Maybe you should back off for your own good.

[ItsTheDay]

11 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It is a confusing situation for you both.  Neither of you want to rush back into a relationship but you are doing relationship things.

She seems to be saying she is enjoying your companionship, but she'd still like to be free to flirt with other guys.

I don't think hanging around with her like this is going to help you at all.  As long as she is non-committal, you are going to be stuck in limbo.  Maybe you should back off for your own good.

Her and I actually had a talk about this. She said no she is not out there meeting random guys, and she has turned many of them down on her nights out. She said she is not interested in any other guy, not interested in meeting anymore new and she is happy how things are going between us. She said she has met a couple of guys, but they're within a friends circle and she doesn't spend one on one time with them, only in group settings. 

I also told her I have been on a few dates with different girls since our breakup and she got pretty hurt over that but said she understands because she did the break up. She opened up a little more with me she was hopeful about us after our breakup. She believed we would get back together but she wanted to focus on herself for a while and get in a better place with herself. 

[salmagund1]

On 7/29/2021 at 7:27 AM, ItsTheDay said:

Her and I actually had a talk about this. She said no she is not out there meeting random guys, and she has turned many of them down on her nights out. She said she is not interested in any other guy, not interested in meeting anymore new and she is happy how things are going between us. She said she has met a couple of guys, but they're within a friends circle and she doesn't spend one on one time with them, only in group settings. 

I also told her I have been on a few dates with different girls since our breakup and she got pretty hurt over that but said she understands because she did the break up. She opened up a little more with me she was hopeful about us after our breakup. She believed we would get back together but she wanted to focus on herself for a while and get in a better place with herself. 

I've been there.   Broken up with but then still hanging around the ex who dangles the possibility of getting back together.  We would even kiss and have sex but it was always understood that we were 'not yet together'.    How did this work out?   Eventually she met someone new and exciting and so we were done and I was back at square one.   I'm not saying reconciliation is not possible, but thats not what you guys are doing.   You're being her rebound and her emotional crutch.  Once she feels better and doesn't need that anymore she'll be gone.