My gf complains about being financially unstable, yet I've been doing most of the work looking at temporary jobs for her till she can get into her career field. What should I do?

[ladyeagle04]

Some background: My gf and I are about to move into an apartment together. We’ve been together for almost 4 years. We met at college, she was from the area and I live about 5 hours away. We decided to live in my current area because it’s a metroplex and has a lot more job opportunities. I graduated college a year ago and have been in my full time career for about 6 months. She graduated the police academy this past May and has been looking for jobs in this area. 

Unfortunately, she’s had a tough time getting hired. I think the fact that she’s a small female has a little bit to do with it for a couple departments, but I think most of it has to do with the current climate surrounding police and the pandemic. Hardly anyone is hiring. I get the struggle; it took me quite a while to get hired due to the pandemic. I’ve been as supportive as I can, even looking up jobs with her and paying for any travel expenses for her to come and test with departments here. No luck so far. I’ve pretty much paid for all of the apartment expenses (any deposits, fees, furniture, etc.), which I don’t mind doing because I know she has to worry about her current rent, car, phone, all that and I want her to take care of that stuff. It doesn’t even bother me if it takes a little while for her to get hired on at a department. All I asked was for her to find something temporary in the mean time. I can handle the apartment expenses, but I can’t help her out with her personal bills at the same time (like I have in the past).

I’ve tried to help her look at temporary jobs and my dad even found a website with federal jobs that she could do for awhile. I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into looking than she has. I know she’s been a little down about all these departments not working out, and I get that, but I feel like her expectations were too high and (not to sound rude), but she needs to get over it. She thought this was going to be easy and I told her that I applied to dozens of places before I got hired anywhere. It happens.

It’s just hard with how things are right now. I get it’s disappointing, but at the end of the day we’re walking into a lot of bills. Like I said, I’m fine with covering us for awhile, but I need her to hold up her own end because I can’t really help her right now. I think the worst part is that she constantly tells me how bad she feels that she can’t help out more and that she doesn’t like that she’s not financially stable while going into this move. I’ve told her that I was in her place when I graduated and the only reason I’ve been able to save money and get myself into a good place is because my parents let me live with them for awhile. She didn’t have that luxury and that’s why she’s struggling more than I did, and I get it. But I did work full time at a pizza place for 8 months to cover my personal bills before I got hired, so it’s annoying to hear her say she doesn’t like being financially unstable, yet she hasn’t really been looking for part time work. That’s the first step to getting yourself there; find something to pay the bills in the mean time while you search for your full time career. I don’t know what to say or what to do to get her motivated. I feel like I’ve already taken on a lot of stress and it’s hard for me to hold her hand every step of the way on top on it. Sounds bad, but it’s just realistic. What should I do?

Edited July 25, 2021 by ladyeagle04

[glows]

Sadly the problem is that you agreed to living with someone who doesn't have an income. Maybe it took awhile for the expenses or reality of this to add up /sink in? If your minimum is to move in with someone partially or part time employed, then don't move in together so soon. The relationship might be good but the timing is bad. Give yourselves more time. Talk about it with her. 

Where would she live now after graduation if you weren't in the picture? Where is she living right now?

[basil67]

Hi ladyeagle04, I think it's time for a bit of tough love.   

You pointed out a few things which may be working against her, and I will add that the fact that she hasn't been working part time doing whatever she can will also work against her.  If there are two similar applicants, but one can demonstrate a solid work ethic, who are they going to choose?   Has she ever worked?  Does she have references?    I would recommend stating that you will only support her further if she takes more initiative and looks for any job she can find.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ladyeagle04 said:

 I know she has to worry about her current rent, car, phone, all that and I want her to take care of that stuff. 

Yes,let her manage her own expenses and employment

You're getting way ahead of yourself. You're marching forward with this living together thing when she doesn't have a job in your area.

Move into and finance the apt yourself. You're expecting way too much. You are shoving jobs (in your area) under her nose rushing her to move in with you etc. when she's not capable of this right now.

Slow your roll. Get your own place and if and when she is ready willing and able to move to your area she will.

What is the plan? Just live together or a commitment? It's unclear why she would upturn her life to move, find a job, pay half the expenses etc. for your convenience.

Edited July 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Your explanation about her not being able to get a job in law enforcement due to Covid makes little sense to me.  As I drive up & down Route 95 -- a major thoroughfare that runs from Maine to Florida I see dozens of billboards from police departments all over the US offering enticements for recruits.  She may have to work out of your area but in this climate there are departments begging for applicants. 

So it's time for tough love.  Stop enabling her & tell her to expand her search.  

 

[glows]

OP, can you be a bit more specific about the “hardly hiring”? I am curious. I’m not in law enforcement (probably wouldn’t do well in it at all). What about administrative work or exploring a route to detective or investigative work? Or, could she work in criminal law in a law firm? 

I’d venture to say she’s depressed and at a loss from the pressure of having to find a job (her ideas of what she wants to pursue versus others telling her what to do). It’s causing her to freeze. She’s lost her momentum and all that pressure isn’t motivating her. It’s doing the opposite. Not everyone responds well to pressure.

If you want to be supportive, I’d put off moving in just yet and give a year for her to establish herself. She may have second thoughts about moving to your city also. Talk this out together.

[stillafool]

There is a shortage of Policeman everywhere in this country.  They are quitting and retiring in droves.  So that makes absolutely no sense that she can't get hired.  Even if not, restaurants are starving for workers  who they will train to do any job they have available.  Why isn't she looking at waitressing or fast food work in the meantime?  Even if she is depressed, like half of the country, she still has to work to eat and pay her bills.  

Edited July 25, 2021 by stillafool