My ex-FWB of 6 month and I broke up last month because I developed feelings for her. I still think about her everyday

[samham]

Apologies for the messy write up. I just need to get this off my chest.

She (19F) and I (20M) were together for around 6 months. And at times it seemed so much more than just friend with benefits.

We video called daily for hours when she went to her home country. She bought me donuts on my birthday. Even made sure they were vegan as I have a milk allergy. For months, we talked almost everyday. We took walks, we cuddled and held hands.

Ironically, during this time I feared that she actually had feelings for me (which at that point I did not have for her) because she even asked me if I was gonna do anything with any other girls when she left for her home country; explicitly telling me she was not gonna do anything with any other guys.

s***, even one of her good friends told me that she thought we were a good match, asking if I wanted more. At the time I said I wasn't sure ... The same friend even took pictures of us. I still have the pictures. We look like a couple in them ...

Back then I didn't know how much I was enjoying this intimate close part of our 'casual' relationship. Then, at the end, when she suddenly got a bit distant and I got sad and confused ... and got to the conclusion I had developed feelings. So i told her and we agreed it would be best to end things.

I even asked her if she ever had feelings for me ... she told me no but that was she felt was infatuation.

Funnily, I don't even think we would be a good couple; for me, an actual relationship was never really an option. It still isn't, really. We are quite different. But I miss hanging out with her so, so much. It was so chill. I'd say what I felt and am feeling is more attachment than actual "love". Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I still think about her everyday.

In the weeks that followed after our breakup we both (drunkenly) hooked up with other people. Though I didn't really care when she kissed two other guys near the end of our relationship, it completely destroyed me when she did something with someone else when our relationship was over. I don't blame her though, as I also did something with someone else, yet it was not satisfying at all ...

Now she's back in her home country again. We agreed to remain friends and chill with eachother. It's been a month since I last saw her and we will probably see eachother again in September.

I hate the fact that I still have hope somewhere that things might go back to how they once were.

In hindsight it was clear she never wanted a relationship, though. After all, she had come to a new country and just had a long relationship behind her ...

I wish I never told her I had feelings for her ... considering she even wanted to continue if it wasn't for my feelings ... though it is probably for the best ... even though for me it never was about being more than FWB ...

She's on my mind way too f***ing much and it is such a waste of time ... It also does not help that since we've broken up she's way more active on Instagram. love and hate it whenever I see the green circle of her insta story, specifically for her close friends, which she apparently considers me to still be a part of. Just a week ago she posted a picture in her bikini as well... thanks for that /s.

I really, really hope that I will get over her before the next time I see her. But the fact that I can't see her puts the current state of affairs going on in my mind at a pause. I want to bawl my eyes out but I so far I've only shed a small tear once ...

Why is letting go of hope so hard ...

[Alpacalia]

Can you remove her from your social media?

It would make things a bit easier for you to move on without the constant reminders.

Sorry you're hurting.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. 

Being friends is not realistic. You will never move on, so it's best to remove yourself from her social media and get used to the idea of not being friends. It won't work. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, samham said:

Why is letting go of hope so hard .

What exactly are you hoping for? You don't want to date her, you don't want a relationship with her, you're having problems staying friends and the FWB turned out to be messy.

It sounds like you miss the good times. When you got BF benefits while being indifferent.

Agree it would be best to delete and block her from all your social media.

Stop communicating. When she returns perhaps revisit things then, but skip the nebulous situationship nonsense.

But first reflect on what you want.

Edited July 25, 2021 by Wiseman2