stillafool Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 2 hours ago, Paige14 said: he needs to get a new birth certificate and bank etc He can apply for his birth certificate on line but needs $50 to open a bank account. That can all be done in one day. What does he do all day? He's too scared to do anything and you're too scared to ask him anything. You guys need to improve your communication. You may not mind what he's not doing now but long term you will. Doesn't his mother have a his original birth certificate?
poppyfields Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 (edited) How old is he and how does he support himself? Pay rent, utilities, food? Are you in the U.S.? If so, it's quite easy to obtain a new social security card if lost. Information can be found on line, I think you can even obtain one on line! That said, I think these are excuses anyway. Stalling methods. It sounds like he has some sort of fear or social anxiety surrounding interacting in a work environment and issues with performance. Fear of failure. He may need to see a therapist to resolve. You are not his mother and it's not your place to "fix" him or even help him. What you can do is encourage him to seek therapy, which is different from fixing. This isn't normal behavior from a grown man. Agree with @stillafoolyour communication needs some major improvement. You should not be afraid to discuss these things with your boyfriend and given that you are, you may wish to explore that to determine why. Edited July 26, 2021 by poppyfields 1
basil67 Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 (edited) Following on from @stillafool's comment about needing $50 to open a bank account.....where I am, you only need a couple of dollars. If this is the case where he is, there is nothing stopping him at all. Edited July 26, 2021 by basil67 1
poppyfields Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 1 minute ago, basil67 said: Where I am, you only need a couple of dollars to open a bank account. If this is the case where he is, there is nothing stopping him at all. It's an excuse like everything else mentioned. There is something far deeper at play here, that goes beyond him not having a birth certificate, bank account or even just being lazy. A FEAR or social anxiety of some sort (see previous post). Another possibility is some form of Autism. I would explore all possibilities and not fall back on he doesn't have a bank account or birth certificate. Again, these are all excuses, essentially symptoms of a much larger "disease" so to speak. 1
spiderowl Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 I suggest you split up. He does not sound self-motivated and you are already feeling the effects of this. I spent too many years with someone who basically didn't want to get a job. It was stressful. I did everything - was supportive, encouraging, helpful - but in the end he was not self motivated. You don't need to be pushing a stone uphill at your age. Leave this boyfriend to his poverty-stricken lifestyle and find a boyfriend who will be a genuine partner in everything.
basil67 Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 @Paige14 you've been worried about embarrassing him by raising the issue. Thing is, discussing difficult subjects is part of having relationships. Whether it be that one partner is messy or lazy, the frivilous spending, or how they were a drunken embarrassment at a recent event, or that one partner is feeling neglected - it's all difficult to discuss, but it must be discussed to keep the relationship healthy In this situation, it's perfectly reasonable to talk with him about how you're missing not being able to do the nice things because he's got no money. Tell him that it would be very helpful if he could find himself a job and contribute. Ask if you can offer him support or guidance. Yes, it might embarrass him - I've been embarrassed when my own behaviour has been brought up as an issue - but part of that embarrassment is just us realising that we were behaving badly/lazily/unthoughtful/selfish and we fix it. 3
basil67 Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: It's an excuse like everything else mentioned. There is something far deeper at play here, that goes beyond him not having a birth certificate, bank account or even just being lazy. A FEAR or social anxiety of some sort (see previous post). Another possibility is some form of Autism. I would explore all possibilities and not fall back on he doesn't have a bank account or birth certificate. Again, these are all excuses, essentially symptoms of a much larger "disease" so to speak. Yes, there could be fear or anxiety or depression.....or just laziness. But there's absolutely nothing in any of this to suggest autism. I don't want to derail the thread so won't comment on the topic of autism further, but an ASD dx relies on a lot of criteria being met - and having it suggested as a cause when there's problems in just one area shows how much lack of understanding there is in the community. Please don't take this personally Poppy, it's not just you and it's not just this post. Edited July 26, 2021 by basil67 1
poppyfields Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yes, there could be fear or anxiety or depression.....or just laziness. But there's absolutely nothing in any of this to suggest autism. I don't want to derail the thread so won't comment on the topic of autism further, but an ASD dx relies on a lot of criteria being met - and having it suggested as a cause when there's problems in just one area shows how much lack of understanding there is in the community. Please don't take this personally Poppy, it's not just you and it's not just this post. No worries basil, I admit I am a bit ignorant re the subject; I just suggested it as a possibility that's all. I do however believe there is something deeper at play, and that the reasons he cites for not getting a job are excuses. I would also like to know how old he is, 19 like the OP? Does he live at home? 1
basil67 Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 Totally agree. By not raising the issue, the OP is sweeping the problem under the carpet. And while it's swept away, she isn't giving him the opportunity to recognise and address the problem. 1
Acacia98 Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 A bit of advice: dont make any long-term plans for this relationship. Your boyfriend is far from ready to be a responsible adult. Now, I personally don't know what the exact reason is. He may experience social anxiety or some other condition that limits him, as has been suggested. It is entirely possible that he needs help and encouragement to deal with the challenge and ultimately get a job and learn to support himself. But it's really not your place to swoop in and be his savior. The motivation to fix his problem and to find whatever help he needs has to come from within him. Your role is simply to support him and encourage him as he takes proactive steps to help himself. The challenge before him is a huge part of adult life. He has to be able to figure it out because life will lay many other obstacles at his doorstep. If he simply can't do this, rest assured, he won't be able to do many other things. It doesn't seem like a big deal now. But if you happen to get pregnant and decide to keep the kid, you will want a responsible and capable man by your side who will be able to support you. Alternatively, if you lose your job or are unable to pay for your trips to visit him (for some reason, I got the impression that long distance was a factor), you want him to be able to visit you and help keep the relationship going. You sound like the type of person who will bend over backwards to help others, and while that is nice in a limited set of circumstances, in other circumstances, it can easily lead to imbalance in a relationship. That means the other person can take advantage of you. Alternatively, the other person may be unable to become your equal, and that could lead to resentment on your part and theirs.
Herkamer Posted July 27, 2021 Posted July 27, 2021 Paige, he's got you wrapped around his finger and he's getting EXACTLY what he wants from you. The dude is a jerk and doesn't care about you. This sounds harsh, I understand, but trust me, if you don't call it off with him soon, he's going to continue to drain you financially dry and you won't be able to do ANYTHING. The fact that there are plenty of job positions open and he's not taking them is evidence of it. Dump him. If you're looking for a good guy, there are plenty out there. Just be aware that they may not pay for all your stuff, and he'd be in the right to do so. At least not until he's married, but even then don't expect it, unless if he's doing something nice for you. So don't make demands of him. And be aware that a good guy might not be rich, either, so don't expect a fairy tale ending. You're 19 y/o, and you will have plenty of opportunities to be with a good guy. Don't confuse a Chad with a good man because they're never the same. Also, it'll do you a lot of good to be single for awhile. Get into some new hobbies, meet new people, go have fun with your friends, and learn more about people in general. You'll grow and understand the world better. Don't pass it up. The only way any of this WILL happen is if you dump your bf and let go of him. Right now, the only person holding you back from doing it is you. Trust me, you'll appreciate later. 1
ASG Posted July 27, 2021 Posted July 27, 2021 How old is he, and where does he live? I find it astonishing how everyone is jumping on the "dump him nowwwww!!!!111!!!" wagon when we don't really know the ins and outs. I knew plenty of 19 year olds who didn't have jobs (if that is his age). Some were going to school, some had dropped out. They were supported by their parents. Heck! My brother didn't have a job until he was 25 or something like that, as he limped all the way from high school until he got his degree. I don't think we can really assess what the situation is until we have a more clear picture of who this guy is. 1
Kai_Kai Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 On 7/26/2021 at 3:07 PM, Paige14 said: I understand what everyone means; in other areas he is motivated and isn’t lazy like that at all because if he is offered a days work he wouldn’t turn it down he just seems like he is too nervous to get a job and I don’t want him to feel like I am judging him asking why he hasn’t got a job. To answer the questions though no he isn’t in school or any education. He doesn’t actually mooch off me it’s only been a couple of times more recently because he doesn’t want to take the money off me or let me pay I usually end up offering and convincing him so I know he doesn’t like it but it’s just I would rather pay and have experiences together than not at all. I also haven’t ever asked to go out and the majority of our dating time had been in COVID times so we couldn’t really go anywhere. If we make plans to go somewhere I guess in the future he would save and pay we just never have and I don’t want to ask In case he is embarrassed because he hasn’t got any money. I think there is a lot of reasons stopping him from getting a job properly because he needs to get a new birth certificate and bank etc but I feel like he Just need to go ahead and do it even if it is a bit stressful. I understand it can all be daunting but I had to do it all at 16 myself as well. It sounds pretty bad but this is the only area that makes me question anything and it’d only because I want to be with him long term that I’m worried. He is passionate about other things and actually clever and that’s more so why I’m confused because there is so much he could do but I just think he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet. He used to train in a gym and was going along on to eventually getting paid fights but I don’t know if he thought it was him anymore. Everything else he does in our relationship is amazing it’s just this one thing and that’s why it’s so difficult because I wouldn’t be accepting Ed this if he wasn’t a good person and treated me like he does. I think I’m partly to blame for the going out stuff as well because I think I’m too scared to suggest anything in case he doesn’t have the money and I don’t want him to be embarrassed of anything because he suggests to do other stuff at home for example so Im really not sure because I love him and he isn’t a lazy person I just don’t know what he is wanting to do in life and I don’t know how to broach it without seeming accusatory. Thank you for all the replies and help! Sounds like he just needs to be motivated to follow his passions or maybe he doesn't know what he wants to do just yet. That is very normal at 19 years old. He has to grow into himself and getting a dead end job might not be the way to go for him. Try get him to open up to you about his passions such as bringing up a conversation about the gym and maybe being a personal trainer. That can open him up to talking about either his real passion or encourage him. 2
Kai_Kai Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 Just now, Cookiesandough said: I mean.. he’s 19 Facts. What job could he possibly get at 19, working at Starbucks? That is not exactly the long term career avenue that I would think a girlfriend would want to brag about. But, I hope she just wants to see some growth in him not just get a random minimum wage job for her sake.
Daisydooks Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 On 7/26/2021 at 3:07 PM, Paige14 said: he would save Save what? From what? On 7/26/2021 at 3:07 PM, Paige14 said: he hasn’t got any money So how does he save if he doesn't earn anything? 1
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 11 hours ago, Kai_Kai said: Facts. What job could he possibly get at 19, working at Starbucks? That is not exactly the long term career avenue that I would think a girlfriend would want to brag about. But, I hope she just wants to see some growth in him not just get a random minimum wage job for her sake. No. Young people have to start somewhere, and if it's working at a coffee shop, what's wrong with that? Most 19 year olds don't have career options or know what they even want to do. This should be about good work ethic...to do any kind of job just to make money, get experience, then be motivated to either move up to a better position, or to locate a better paying job....working up the ladder as they say. Most kids will have worked in 6 + different jobs before they find their career. The OP just wants her BF to have a job...any job, just to have some money to pay for things. She's not looking for a life partner to split a mortgage with.
Kai_Kai Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: No. Young people have to start somewhere, and if it's working at a coffee shop, what's wrong with that? Most 19 year olds don't have career options or know what they even want to do. This should be about good work ethic...to do any kind of job just to make money, get experience, then be motivated to either move up to a better position, or to locate a better paying job....working up the ladder as they say. Most kids will have worked in 6 + different jobs before they find their career. The OP just wants her BF to have a job...any job, just to have some money to pay for things. She's not looking for a life partner to split a mortgage with. There is nothing wrong with working. But, there is something wrong with wasting someone time at a dead end/minimum wage job. That's why I encourage the OP to speak to her significant other about his passion that could bring some sort of monetary gain (I hope) , so he can go ahead and pursue it.
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2021 Posted July 28, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said: There is nothing wrong with working. But, there is something wrong with wasting someone time at a dead end/minimum wage job. That's why I encourage the OP to speak to her significant other about his passion that could bring some sort of monetary gain (I hope) , so he can go ahead and pursue it. At that age, you have to start somewhere. If he had a passion he would have pursued it by now or at least said something. She can't do anything, and shouldn't. He has to do this on his own. I remember what it was like turning 19. Me and my friends talked about how difficult it was transitioning from being a teenager, to and adult. I had a career in mind, went to college for it, couldn't find a job, ended up working different jobs, until I did find my career...not what I went to school for. Before that I was working two jobs, one during the day, and one at night. I worked my ass off. It wasn't until I was 26 I finally found a full time career, came with bonuses, etc. and here I am over 30 years later, still at the same company, debt free, saving for my retirement. So he just needs to get off his a$$ and get a bloody job. Edited July 28, 2021 by smackie9
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2021 Posted July 30, 2021 On 7/24/2021 at 4:33 PM, Paige14 said: He has never had a job since I have known him and we have been together for like 8 months Just observe this discrepancy. You work he doesn't. Stop paying for dates. It's important to realize dating is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get situation. So don't try to fix or change anyone. Don't play mom or career counselor. People are not projects. Especially don't volunteer your time, money and energy trying to compensate for anyone's laziness, selfishness or cheapness. End it. You're not compatible as far as values go. The best investment you can make is to cut your losses early in cases like this. 2
Fletch Lives Posted July 30, 2021 Posted July 30, 2021 On 7/26/2021 at 3:18 PM, smackie9 said: Just don't get pregnant. I hear you - but the risk is always there in a relationship. I'll just say, I think you should have a job if you intend to date. I've been working since I was 15 (and going to school at the same time in my early years). At 15, I would ride my bike to work. A year later I bought a car - with my own money.
glows Posted July 30, 2021 Posted July 30, 2021 These things are very situational (right time/right place). The important part is that your boyfriend does everything he can to prepare for that opportunity when it does arise so keep up with the self-improvement, gaining experience and learning. A go-getter attitude or can-do mentality or willingness to learn despite challenges is what a lot of employers also look for. Even if you're hired or promoted quickly, it doesn't guarantee that you will last if you can't get along with everyone or learn to foster some relationships and support one another. This leads me to wonder about how your boyfriend views himself in the relationship too and whether he sees himself as a supporter or someone who is supportive to your goals while fostering his own. It's important to keep up the momentum of your own careers or personal goals irrespective of what happens in the relationship. If he hasn't developed this I would consider it a bit difficult to see a future with someone. You can't keep shouldering the burden of helping someone who doesn't know how to help himself. 2
Lisa Posted July 30, 2021 Senior Moderators Posted July 30, 2021 Note from Moderators: the discussion about pros/cons of working in retail/hospitality as a starter has been moved. Link supplied below. As a reminder, the topic here is the OP's boyfriend has no money and as such, they can't do nice things. Please stay on topic. 1
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