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I'm 19 and my boyfriend hasn't got a job.

Paige14

By Paige14
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Paige14 New Member

Paige14

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I need help. I’m 19 and my boyfriend hasn’t got a job. He has never had a job since I have known him and we have been together for like 8 months and I have known him for like 3 years. He doesn’t seem to be looking for a job and I can’t exactly broach the subject. I feel like I am missing out of loads of things because we have never been out on a date and if we do go out in a group I will always pay for him. I’m not mad about that at all and he doesn’t ask me or want me to really I will convince him but it’s just the issue that he isn’t looking. I have 2 part time jobs and I’m going to uni in September but I can see myself with him long term and that’s my only worry. What would you suggest?!

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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17 minutes ago, Paige14 said:

 we have never been out on a date and if we do go out in a group I will always pay for him. I have 2 part time jobs and I’m going to uni in September

Stop paying for things. That's enabling him. You seem too ambitious for him, thus incompatible.

Reflect of you want someone who seems cheap or lazy to you.

Who pays for his housing, food, car, phone, etc.?

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glows Established Member

glows

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If you said we’ve been seeing each other for eight months and I don’t see a future with him it’s one thing. That you seem attached is a problem and you should get the answers or try to inquire or understand (for yourself) before walking away.

Why do you feel you can’t broach the subject? This is not a tough conversation. If you see yourself with someone you should be able to talk about these things. 

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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If it’s a dealbreaker, break the deal. If it’s not, don’t worry about it. Keep things as they are. 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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8 hours ago, Paige14 said:

I will always pay for him. I’m not mad about that at all

Good heavens, why not?

This guy isn't pulling his weight and you're footing the bill. I would not be happy - at him, for not growing up and getting a job, and at myself for tolerating it for too long. I would personally not date a man who does not work without any valid reason. 

Sorry, Paige. It's just not worth it. 

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Blue Sea Member

Blue Sea

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Why would you see a future with him where he keeps accepting you to foot the bills often & not thinking of looking for a job? 

I would feel paranoid of having such a boyfriend. Why not talk to him and ask for the reason of not looking for a job?

Men should be ambitious at younger age so that they can lead a better lifestyle with their wives & kids. If that isn't what he is looking for, I guess he doesn't suit you at all. 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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16 hours ago, Paige14 said:

He doesn’t seem to be looking for a job and I can’t exactly broach the subject. 

What would you suggest?!

I suggest you broach the subject.  Tell him it makes you sad that he has never taken you on a date & seems to be OK mooching off you.  Tell him you don't understand why he likes being broke all the time & doesn't work.  

See what he says.  That should tell you everything you need to know about whether sticking around is a good idea.  

Frankly if he doesn't get a job soon, he probably never will.  What does that tell you about what your future will look like?  What does that tell you about what kind of an example he would be to your future children? 

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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22 hours ago, Paige14 said:

What would you suggest?!

I suggest you figure out what is more important:

1. having this guy, as he is--indefinitely, as your boyfriend

2. dumping him and finding a man with ambition and motivation, who isn't OK with girlfriend-mommy paying his way.  If he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to hold down a job that will make it easy for him to take you out.

As long as the gravy train is paying, why should he go find a job? This works for him.  If it doesn't work for you, then you need to remove yourself from that situation  and quit pouring your treasury and feelings into a black hole.

advice: NEVER, EVER move in with him. You will have an adult that you're supporting that you cannot write off on your taxes. Let his parents deal with what they failed at raising.

Edited by kendahke
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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On 7/24/2021 at 3:33 PM, Paige14 said:

we have never been out on a date and if we do go out in a group I will always pay for him. I’m not mad about that at all

This is a dangerous precedent to set. As has been said above, he has no motivation to change because you enable him to continue living this way by paying his expenses. I have a 17 year old at home right now who has no motivation to do anything for much the same reason. We are about to make his life more difficult because he needs to learn how to function independently as an adult. 

You say now that you don’t mind paying his tab, but how is that going to work when the expenses rise - let’s say you move in together and you find yourself responsible for paying the mortgage, the food bill, the cell phone bill, etc… This is not something that you can realistically expect to continue to do. So, best to nip this in the bud now - set the expectation that you will not pay his way… he will either rise to the challenge or this relationship will end. And, that wouldn’t be a bad thing - he still has some growing up to do before he’s ready to be in a real relationship. 

Edited by BaileyB
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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On 7/25/2021 at 6:33 AM, Paige14 said:

I’m not mad about that at all 

 I'm hoping that you could clarify this.  @ExpatInItaly interprets it as you not being upset about it.  But in this context, I interpret "not mad" as in "not keen"  (The usage of 'mad' like in the old TV show "Mad About You'.   

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is a dangerous precedent to set. As has been said above, he has no motivation to change because you enable him to continue living this way by paying his expenses. I have a 17 year old at home right now who has no motivation to do anything for much the same reason. We are about to make his life more difficult because he needs to learn how to function independently as an adult. 

Ditto.  When 17yo wanted to go overseas, we said we'd pay accommodation and flights but she needed to pay for all her expenses.  She got a job right quick.

@Paige14,  Do you really see a future with someone who's got no motivation?

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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On 7/24/2021 at 1:33 PM, Paige14 said:

.He doesn’t seem to be looking for a job and I can’t exactly broach the subject. I feel like I am missing out of loads of things because we have never been out on a date and if we do go out in a group I will always pay for him.

Why would you be attracted to a man who you know has never had a job in the past 3 years, but for you it’s important to go on dates?

Oh right, you’re 19. This is a good learning experience. Shared values are important. You don’t have them with this guy. 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why would you be attracted to a man who you know has never had a job in the past 3 years, but for you it’s important to go on dates?

Unfortunately I'm seeing a lot of young girls attracted to these type of guys.  Even guys in college who are trying to be something are complaining that college girls

seem to go for thugs.  OP, not saying your BF is a thug but if he doesn't get to work or school he may end up one.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Posted (edited)

This has gone on long enough. He hasn't found a job, and you feel things are at a standstill as life goes by. This is why we date. To find out what they are like, how they treat you, the relationship, and how they progress in life. This guy is a scrub, and he's holding you down. This is a good reason to breakup. Yes that is your solution.

You will truly find success in life if you stop dating these losers.

Edited by smackie9
Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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37 minutes ago, Olivia24 said:

Does he  go to school? If  he  hasnt  had a  job in 3 years thats a  pretty  big  warning  sign.

This is a great point. If he’s full time in school then that’s maybe why you see long term potential in him. And you’d need to adjust your expectations accordingly.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

This guy is a scrub, and he's holding you down. This is a good reason to breakup.

Yes but he's hot and great in bed.

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Paige14 New Member

Paige14

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I understand what everyone  means; in other areas he is motivated and isn’t lazy like that at all because if he is offered a days work he wouldn’t turn it down he just seems like he is too nervous to get a job and I don’t want him to feel like I am judging him asking why he hasn’t got a job. To answer the questions though no he isn’t in school or any education. He doesn’t actually mooch off me it’s only been a couple of times more recently because he doesn’t want to take the money off me or let me pay I usually end up offering and convincing him so I know he doesn’t like it but it’s just I would rather pay and have experiences together than not at all. I also haven’t ever asked to go out and the majority of our dating time had been in COVID times so we couldn’t really go anywhere. If we make plans to go somewhere I guess in the future he would save and pay we just never have and I don’t want to ask In case he is embarrassed because he hasn’t got any money. I think there is a lot of reasons stopping him from getting a job properly because he needs to get a new birth certificate and bank etc but I feel like he Just need to go ahead and do it even if it is a bit stressful. I understand it can all be daunting but I had to do it all at 16 myself as well. It sounds pretty bad but this is the only area that makes me question anything and it’d only because I want to be with him long term that I’m worried. He is passionate about other things and actually clever and that’s more so why I’m confused because there is so much he could do but I just think he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet. He used to train in a gym and was going along on to eventually getting paid fights but I don’t know if he thought it was him anymore. Everything else he does in our relationship is amazing it’s just this one thing and that’s why it’s so difficult because I wouldn’t be accepting Ed this if he wasn’t a good person and treated me like he does. I think I’m partly to blame for the going out stuff as well because I think I’m too scared to suggest anything in case he doesn’t have the money and I don’t want him to be embarrassed of anything because he suggests to do other stuff at home for example so Im really not sure because I love him and he isn’t a lazy person I just don’t know what he is wanting to do in life and I don’t know how to broach it without seeming accusatory. Thank you for all the replies and help!   

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Paige14 New Member

Paige14

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16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ditto.  When 17yo wanted to go overseas, we said we'd pay accommodation and flights but she needed to pay for all her expenses.  She got a job right quick.

@Paige14,  Do you really see a future with someone who's got no motivation?

He has motivations in other areas though and that why I have problems because he just seems to be stuck and I think he needs help I just don’t know how to do that without embarrassing him. 

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Paige14 New Member

Paige14

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3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is a great point. If he’s full time in school then that’s maybe why you see long term potential in him. And you’d need to adjust your expectations accordingly.

On 7/24/2021 at 9:53 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Stop paying for things. That's enabling him. You seem too ambitious for him, thus incompatible.

Reflect of you want someone who seems cheap or lazy to you.

Who pays for his housing, food, car, phone, etc.?

I don’t pay for things often only a few times as he would never accept it before it’s only recently that he actually would because he doesn’t like taking it but I also want to make memories so it’s difficult. 

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Paige14 New Member

Paige14

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4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This has gone on long enough. He hasn't found a job, and you feel things are at a standstill as life goes by. This is why we date. To find out what they are like, how they treat you, the relationship, and how they progress in life. This guy is a scrub, and he's holding you down. This is a good reason to breakup. Yes that is your solution.

You will truly find success in life if you stop dating these losers.

On 7/25/2021 at 8:08 PM, kendahke said:

I suggest you figure out what is more important:

1. having this guy, as he is--indefinitely, as your boyfriend

2. dumping him and finding a man with ambition and motivation, who isn't OK with girlfriend-mommy paying his way.  If he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to hold down a job that will make it easy for him to take you out.

As long as the gravy train is paying, why should he go find a job? This works for him.  If it doesn't work for you, then you need to remove yourself from that situation  and quit pouring your treasury and feelings into a black hole.

advice: NEVER, EVER move in with him. You will have an adult that you're supporting that you cannot write off on your taxes. Let his parents deal with what they failed at raising.

I feel like it came across that I pay more than I do I didn’t for ages because I’m not stupid and I didn’t want to do that but even when I do pay he is very grateful and a lot of the time it takes him ages to accept. It’s difficult because in every other aspect of the relationship everything is great and I feel like the only reason I feel strongly about it is because I want to do more in life and if I’m with him long term I want him to be happy and do the same. It’s not even about the money it’s just I want some memories and experiences with him. It’s not even about him paying because I can pay for myself it’s just the things I don’t want to miss out on whilst I am young. 

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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You are only 19 so keep dating him if you feel it's for fun and don't mind paying. In a few years it will matter to you because you can't build a future with someone that has no work ethic, or ambition. He's just immature, maybe not really ready for the responsibilities of the adult world. Just don't get pregnant.

Edited by smackie9
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Paige14 New Member

Paige14

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16 hours ago, basil67 said:

 I'm hoping that you could clarify this.  @ExpatInItaly interprets it as you not being upset about it.  But in this context, I interpret "not mad" as in "not keen"  (The usage of 'mad' like in the old TV show "Mad About You'.   

I’m not mad about paying that’s not what bothers me at all it’s more if I know we can’t do certain things or I’m too scared to ask because I don’t want him feeling bad if he can’t afford it. Hope this helps! 

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Paige14 New Member

Paige14

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2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are only 19 so keep dating him if you feel it's for fun and don't mind paying. In a few years it will matter to you because you can't build a future with someone that has no work ethic, or ambition. He's just immature, maybe not really ready for the responsibilities of the adult world.

Yeah this is true thank you for the help! I feel like I am more stressed because I think it will be harder for him to do the longer he waits but it takes everyone their own amount of time and I just think he needs to find something he likes doing. 

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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You can't get blood out of a stone. He has no job he has no money so how is he to pay for anything if he has no money in the first place?

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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

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On 7/24/2021 at 9:33 PM, Paige14 said:

I need help. I’m 19 and my boyfriend hasn’t got a job. He has never had a job since I have known him and we have been together for like 8 months and I have known him for like 3 years. He doesn’t seem to be looking for a job and I can’t exactly broach the subject. I feel like I am missing out of loads of things because we have never been out on a date and if we do go out in a group I will always pay for him. I’m not mad about that at all and he doesn’t ask me or want me to really I will convince him but it’s just the issue that he isn’t looking. I have 2 part time jobs and I’m going to uni in September but I can see myself with him long term and that’s my only worry. What would you suggest?!

Crikey! You’ve picked a right winner there haven’t you? 
 

Ask yourself why is an  intelligent, ambitious young woman going with a no hoper like him? Why????

Look he’s not going to get a job. You might as well be honest with yourself. 
 

You can’t change him but you can change the choices You’re making. 
 

 

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