JustShowUp Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 I've been married since 2014, we got married within a year and a half of meeting. I moved in as a roommate and things progressed at warp speed. We come from different worlds. Different childhoods. Different parenting (his parents separated when he was 12, mine just hit their 40th anniversary). Different cultures (he's Hispanic, I'm white). Different attitudes towards society. You name it, we're different. Without getting into our issues, I just need to ask if other people bicker with their significant other on a regular basis. It seems that lately we can't have a conversation about almost anything without one of us getting irritated with the other. It's freaking exhausting. I don't know how people stay married for 20, 30, 40 years. I just feel like compatability is key and I feel like we've lost ours. Anyone else have this feeling? If so, how did you fix it?
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 You stop bickering. When you bump up against a difference, don't rail against it, celebrate it. Use it as an opportunity to learn something new to see something from a different perspective. You can't control him getting irritated but you can control your own upset. Instead of getting irritated just take what he said, what you find different (wrong) & mull it over without comment. It's hard. I often find myself scratching my head & being upset about the way my husband's family does things. They don't make sense to me but I have to respect that there is more than one way to do things & my way isn't the only right way to do something. My ego gets in the way sometimes but I work at it. 3 1
Author JustShowUp Posted July 24, 2021 Author Posted July 24, 2021 Thank so much! I genuinely just had a situation to take the high road (or whatever that is) and the conversion didn't escalate at all. Wow. Maybe it's me? I guess time will tell. Genuine thanks. 1
basil67 Posted July 24, 2021 Posted July 24, 2021 Yep, that's how it works - great work. You're right that time will tell: if he's also inclined to disagree, he will also need to learn hold his tongue. Another handy thing to avoid bickering is to not react when someone says something which is a bit sharp or snippy. When one is tired, hungry, had a long day, things can come out wrong- and it happens to the best of us. After all, nothing good ever comes to escalating with someone who's already a bit down
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2021 Posted July 24, 2021 12 hours ago, JustShowUp said: Thank so much! I genuinely just had a situation to take the high road (or whatever that is) and the conversion didn't escalate at all. Wow. Maybe it's me? I guess time will tell. You are welcome. It's "not you" in the sense that something is wrong with you. You are human. It is something you can control as you have discovered. If you don't escalate, things won't spin out of control. When it's important there are ways to stand your ground without becoming argumentative. Learn to ask Qs rather than make biting or snarky comments. For example, when my husband says something & I want to scream "Why the F would you do that?! It's the stupidest think I have ever heard of!" I take a deep breath & instead say something like "That's an interesting approach. Have you thought about this alternative or the consequences of what you propose?" Most times he will realize that he didn't think it through. Sometimes I am persuaded that his plan is better because there was some other factor I didn't see. 3
LuckyM Posted July 24, 2021 Posted July 24, 2021 Depends partly on what you bicker about. Petty things or major problems. My parents argued over 40 years and stayed tight because of love
Author JustShowUp Posted July 26, 2021 Author Posted July 26, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 6:52 PM, basil67 said: Yep, that's how it works - great work. You're right that time will tell: if he's also inclined to disagree, he will also need to learn hold his tongue. Another handy thing to avoid bickering is to not react when someone says something which is a bit sharp or snippy. When one is tired, hungry, had a long day, things can come out wrong- and it happens to the best of us. After all, nothing good ever comes to escalating with someone who's already a bit down He's an interesting guy. He's very quick to instantly negatively react but THEN pause, consider and then genuinely react. It has been such a frustrating thing to learn, understand, vaguely accept and then try to navigate in a conversational manner. I don't anticipate him having any issues with me avoiding conversational escalation, I just find the fact that I have to navigate his intricate emotional minefield to be a part-time job. I find it tiring. Marriage is nothing that I expected it to be. It's work. It takes consistent compromise. You have to sacrifice a lot of small (and sometimes big) personal happinesses. I just thought I'd find a life partner, have sex, do things together, be supportive, get along, not argue and live happily ever after. Disney sure did a number on me. Maybe that's why I hate Disneyland. *sigh* thank you for your feedback @basil67
basil67 Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 21 minutes ago, JustShowUp said: Marriage is nothing that I expected it to be. It's work. It takes consistent compromise. You have to sacrifice a lot of small (and sometimes big) personal happinesses. I just thought I'd find a life partner, have sex, do things together, be supportive, get along, not argue and live happily ever after. While compromise in a marriage is normal, something is wrong if you're having to make big sacrifices. What other issues are happening? Also, have you made him aware of the fact that his default is to react with a 'no' and then think about it and give a better answer? My husband also made me aware that I do the same thing But I realised that he's right so now my first answer is "I need to think about it a bit".
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