Gentleman or independent women

[Amanda92]

I used to invest in relationships much more than men, so I don't know how much can I expect... I want partnership, but also want a guy to care about me.

I met a guy several times. I had a car, so there was no problem with meeting. Now I won't have a car for about 3 months. We usually go out to eat and then go to his place. We can't spend time in my place. He has 15 minutes to my place. Bus is driving 40 minutes to the downtown, but often is very late and it's not very popular to use public transportation here. Should I ask him to give me a ride or should we meet in the center and ask him about that only when it's dark and not safe to travel by a bus? It may sounds weird, but usually men didn't care about me and I put more efforts, so I don't know if it's okay to ask about that or it's too much.

[Alpacalia]

Yes, I agree with Olivia. If he is a gentleman he wouldn't like you taking mass transit late at night.

[Shining One]

Explain the situation to him and see if he volunteers to pick you up and drop you off. I'd be willing to do this short term and within reason.

I've encountered several women without cars (and even some with cars) who basically expected me to be her personal chauffeur. Thus, I would be wary of it becoming more than just rides on dates.

[basil67]

With respect to what a gentleman/independent woman would do, I don't see this as a gendered issue.

My suggestion would be to switch roles in your head and consider what you'd be prepared to do for him if the situation was reversed.  If you'd be happy to go collect him and drop him back home each time you meet, then it's reasonable to hope he'd do the same for you.   

Personally, I wouldn't mind doing a lot of the picking up, but I would like them to take initiative to get themselves around some of the time - especially if I couldn't stay at their place sometimes.  So if I was you, I'd mix it up by sometimes having him pick me up/drop off, sometimes getting the bus (if it's not too late) and sometimes getting a cab or Uber.   In short, I'd go to lengths to not be seen to be like the women who @Shining One describes.   

One last thought, if you say "I'll make my own way" (and are honestly happy to do so) and he says "no no, I'll come and get you" it shows that he's keen to help and you're not taking advantage

 

Edited July 23, 2021 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

3 months isn't forever & 15 minutes isn't far.  It doesn't sound like you are unwilling to take the bus once in while. Do they have ride shares (uber / lyft / taxis)?  You could take something like that to meet too.  

Personally I couldn't function without a car for 3 months.  Is a long term rental an option?  

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Olivia24 said:

Dont know where amanda is but rental car rates here are sky high.

They're high everywhere because there's a shortage.

[Miss Spider]

I’d ask him for a ride. public transportation scares me 

[Uruktopi]

As I am a Jurasic age old-school man about such gestures I´m tempted to say: let him do what a man should and drive you home safe. 

[FMW]

I understand your hesitation, I'm  not good at accepting help/favors and certainly not asking for them.  But believe me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking him.  You can do other nice things for him in return and/or contribute money for gas if you would like to.  Maybe buy the ingredients and cook for him at his place.

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

I won't have a car for about 3 months.  We can't spend time in my place. 

Why can't he come to your place? Is your car in the shop? It's fine to tell him your car is unavailable and you need a ride. 

[Kai_Kai]

12 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

I used to invest in relationships much more than men, so I don't know how much can I expect... I want partnership, but also want a guy to care about me.

I met a guy several times. I had a car, so there was no problem with meeting. Now I won't have a car for about 3 months. We usually go out to eat and then go to his place. We can't spend time in my place. He has 15 minutes to my place. Bus is driving 40 minutes to the downtown, but often is very late and it's not very popular to use public transportation here. Should I ask him to give me a ride or should we meet in the center and ask him about that only when it's dark and not safe to travel by a bus? It may sounds weird, but usually men didn't care about me and I put more efforts, so I don't know if it's okay to ask about that or it's too much.

15 minutes isn't too long for him to drive and pick you up. Don't feel like you're asking for too much because you're not, if you set yourself up in the beginning of the relationship to not be considered a high priority to at the very least be picked up and taken out to dinner...its not going to move forward in your favor. You're worth it.  

[mark clemson]

My understanding is a guy is supposed to care whether his GF is exposed to the risks of traveling alone late at night, so yes ask for the rides. Explain the reason as well.

Uber/Lyft instead of the bus might make sense if there's times when he can't do it for some reason.

Refusal to do this at least much of the time might actually be a good litmus test of whether he is good potential LTR material.

[smackie9]

why discuss it with us? Discuss travel/meetup arrangements with him and see what he says.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

ask him about that only when it's dark and not safe to travel by a bus?

Sure ask. it's not about 'being a gentleman", you're going to his place so why can't he give you a ride?

To be honest, this whole "40min on the bus late at night, etc." thing is not "independence" it's acting like a martyr, when a simple "my car's in the shop, need a ride" will suffice.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

I feel like he should offer to pick you up. I'd feel weird actually asking "can you pick me up?" That's what I would have asked my date when we were 16.

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I feel like he should offer to pick you up. I'd feel weird actually asking "can you pick me up?" That's what I would have asked my date when we were 16.

Agreed.  I'd explain the problem and see what he offers as a solution

[Lotsgoingon]

This is the perfect opportunity to practice a break with your pattern of investing too much too soon in men.

Ask him for ride help. That's what you need to do--really pay attention to your needs!--if you want to create balance in the relationship. You're probably just not used to asking people for favors or help and so you numb yourself. Actually people who like us do like to help us when we need it. 

[Blue Sea]

If a guy has great interest in you, he will definitely worry for your safety! 

Don't waste time & efforts on selfish men or men who aren't interested in you.

Learn to love yourself first okay? 

[Alvi]

If he likes you enough then I don't think it is going to be a big deal for him to pick you up and to drive you back. It's not like you live hours away from each other. If he gets upset or says no, then you'll have your answer about his true feelings for you. Seriously, why do women have to show a guy how independent they are. What exactly is wrong with leaning on your partner? I am not talking abut taking advantage of your partner's generosity here. But partners do need to rely on one another in time of need, isn't it what being in a relationship is all about? Leaning and asking for help (and reciprocate it too) should not be viewed as abnormal, right??? So don't feel bad about asking him for some help. It's not like you are asking him to buy you a new car or to give you a million dollars as a gift. 

[Shining One]

55 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Seriously, why do women have to show a guy how independent they are.

Some men seek out independent women. Speaking for myself, it's a determining factor on whether a woman is fling-worthy or relationship-worthy.

57 minutes ago, Alvi said:

What exactly is wrong with leaning on your partner?

I get the impression they aren't partners yet. She described him as a guy she met several times, not a boyfriend. This is the evaluation phase for both of them.

[Amanda92]

Thank you for your answers. Since my 18 birthday my mom always tells me that I am an adult and I should take care of myself on my own, so it's not that easy to set my standards because I am afraid that I use someone and that I am a problem. Even when I was sick she didn't care. This is why I always meet men that didn't care about me because it "feels like home" and is very natural. When someone helps me I feel awkward because I am afraid someone will expect something from me too like my mom. But I am a good girl and I think I treat men good, not like a princess. And he seems to be the first nice guy in my life.

 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

. This is why I always meet men that didn't care about me because it "feels like home" .he seems to be the first nice guy in my life.

Ok. Don't go to his place if you don't have transportation. 

You need to get things in perspective. You're not asking to borrow his car. You're not asking him to chauffeur you around. 

Do you live with your mother? Is that why he can't visit you or pick you up for a date?

When you drag all this childhood baggage into dating situations, it will cause unnessary dilemmas like this.

Some therapy could help get these counterproductive scripts out of your head. 

 

 

Edited July 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

53 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

Thank you for your answers. Since my 18 birthday my mom always tells me that I am an adult and I should take care of myself on my own, so it's not that easy to set my standards because I am afraid that I use someone and that I am a problem. Even when I was sick she didn't care. This is why I always meet men that didn't care about me because it "feels like home" and is very natural. When someone helps me I feel awkward because I am afraid someone will expect something from me too like my mom. But I am a good girl and I think I treat men good, not like a princess. And he seems to be the first nice guy in my life.

 

I read this as a little lucid self-reflection and that is ok. Just pull yourself together and don’t get too broken up about not having a car for a few months. You’ll have several cars likely in your lifetime and a vehicle is not a requirement for emotional self-sufficiency and resilience. It’s an enhancement but not a requirement.

Since you both get along it’s best to be honest about the situation and come to a solution together. You don’t want to be dating a guy who makes a big deal out of this either. Think of him as good riddance and be glad to move on if so. Let us know how it goes.

[spiderowl]

If he's a decent guy and a gentleman, then as soon as you make him aware of your circumstances, he should offer you a lift.  The only reason I can imagine why he would not do that is if he had to be somewhere else, like work - and then if he was decent, he would still be working on a safe way for you to get to his and for you to be taken home.

It sounds like you do put too much into relationships and expect too little back.  Your safety should be his priority too.  If it isn't, then what kind of relationship is it?

Edited July 25, 2021 by spiderowl

[Amanda92]

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

If he's a decent guy and a gentleman, then as soon as you make him aware of your circumstances, he should offer you a lift.  The only reason I can imagine why he would not do that is if he had to be somewhere else, like work - and then if he was decent, he would still be working on a safe way for you to get to his and for you to be taken home.

It sounds like you do put too much into relationships and expect too little back.  Your safety should be his priority too.  If it isn't, then what kind of relationship is it?

I think it is, but it's so big change in my mindset! I used to have many cheap friends and heard all the time - split the bill, don't expect the ride, don't expect gifts, you have too high expectations... but then I looked back and I invested more money than men in most of my relationships.