Adelelesco Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 I've been with my partner for 4 years. He's been disrespectful throughout outr relationship and most recently he's hit me. I'm ending the relationship I know it's the right thing to do. But how do i stay strong? I keep looking back at our time and we've had some amazing times spent together. When it's good it's the best but when it's bad he's disrespectful. I need some advice on how to stop doing the Rose tinted glasses. I'm full of guilt and doubt . I feel bad on him yet he hit me! Why am I like this
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 7 hours ago, Adelelesco said: When it's good it's the best but when it's bad he's disrespectful. abusive. There. Fixed it for you. I am sorry you're in this position, OP. This man is dangerous and you need to end this immediately. As for why you feel guilty, how's your self-esteem in general? Do you have a good support system around you who would help you heal from this? Do they know what is going on? 2
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 When you feel weak remind yourself that he HIT you. That ought to motivate you to stay away. 1
glows Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 He's abusive towards you. Leave. Always leave. Never stay for an abusive relationship. If you have kids, think of your kids. If you want children, think of your unborn children subjected to the same abuse or worse. You never need more reason to leave an abusive relationship or place. Look up Stockholm syndrome, join support groups for survivors of abuse. You can learn a bit more about what got you there and what keeps you there and the thought patterns that are keeping you in an abusive situation. You have to break those patterns of thinking to truly leave. Don't be afraid to do this and don't feel like you are all alone. 2
whatsthepoint Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 My ex-husband used to hit me (7 years worth ), my advice is to get out as it will keep happening. Stay strong by making sure you have a support network of friend and family, get some counselling (this is important) and start to live a happy life again. It's hard and it will take time, but definitely don't stay with someone who hits you. I stayed far too long, thought if I was nice to him all the time he wouldn't do it again (it never worked like that - I could have been nice, awful, the best or worst person on the planet and he would have done it anyway). 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 19 hours ago, Adelelesco said: I need some advice on how to stop doing the Rose tinted glasses. he hit me! You did the right thing leaving. Google "cognitive dissonance" . It's when the truth is so horrible that the mind has to bend to find ways to rationalize things. You are looking back on the idea of a relationship and the few parts that fit that. However the truth is, this is not what it appeared to be. 1 1
Author Adelelesco Posted July 25, 2021 Author Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 8:46 PM, Wiseman2 said: You did the right thing leaving. Google "cognitive dissonance" . It's when the truth is so horrible that the mind has to bend to find ways to rationalize things. You are looking back on the idea of a relationship and the few parts that fit that. However the truth is, this is not what it appeared to be. Thank you for your reply. I'm going to do that now. On 7/23/2021 at 6:19 PM, Scotsgirl said: My ex-husband used to hit me (7 years worth ), my advice is to get out as it will keep happening. Stay strong by making sure you have a support network of friend and family, get some counselling (this is important) and start to live a happy life again. It's hard and it will take time, but definitely don't stay with someone who hits you. I stayed far too long, thought if I was nice to him all the time he wouldn't do it again (it never worked like that - I could have been nice, awful, the best or worst person on the planet and he would have done it anyway). I know my brain isn't functioning properly right now. Its was a nasty attack on me and he was drunk. In my brain it's trying to down play it and the good parts are really screaming at me. My brain is saying "He was drunk, it's only happened once before and not as serious" He's been consistently disrespectful to me, knowing its not quite enough to end a relationship and getting away with it. The attack caused something in me to switch, I feel different somewhere but I'm not sure what that is if I'm making sense? Because my brain is trying to downplay it I can't work out where the switch has come from, maybe my subconscious. I'm heartbroken he did this. I'm going to look into cognitive dissonance now. Thank you 1 1
Author Adelelesco Posted July 25, 2021 Author Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 6:09 PM, glows said: He's abusive towards you. Leave. Always leave. Never stay for an abusive relationship. If you have kids, think of your kids. If you want children, think of your unborn children subjected to the same abuse or worse. You never need more reason to leave an abusive relationship or place. Look up Stockholm syndrome, join support groups for survivors of abuse. You can learn a bit more about what got you there and what keeps you there and the thought patterns that are keeping you in an abusive situation. You have to break those patterns of thinking to truly leave. Don't be afraid to do this and don't feel like you are all alone. It's my childhood, this was accepted and I'm now realising that after three failed relationships with abuse. I'm really struggling but feel like my eyes are being opened at the same time. I'll look into your advice now. Thank you for replying to me 1
Author Adelelesco Posted July 25, 2021 Author Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 8:30 AM, ExpatInItaly said: There. Fixed it for you. I am sorry you're in this position, OP. This man is dangerous and you need to end this immediately. As for why you feel guilty, how's your self-esteem in general? Do you have a good support system around you who would help you heal from this? Do they know what is going on? My self esteem is on the floor. Hasn't always been the best and I'm now taking steps to work on that. I arranged counselling and had my first session today. I've not told family as I do not want them thinking I'll take home back. There's a history in this family where abuse is considered OK to a degree. You are correct in the disrespect to abusive. He is abusive. It's like his abuse is low key, I didn't see it coming 1
glows Posted July 25, 2021 Posted July 25, 2021 1 hour ago, Adelelesco said: My self esteem is on the floor. Hasn't always been the best and I'm now taking steps to work on that. I arranged counselling and had my first session today. I've not told family as I do not want them thinking I'll take home back. There's a history in this family where abuse is considered OK to a degree. You are correct in the disrespect to abusive. He is abusive. It's like his abuse is low key, I didn't see it coming This is not uncommon sadly. This would bother me quite a lot if the abuse was OK to family and it sounds like there's a lot of unpacking to do with counselling. I am so sorry but I am not sorry because your eyes are opening to this and you have the opportunity to live differently and break this cycle. I'm glad you had your first counselling session today too. I hope it went well. 1
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