LotusAvx Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 I was seeing someone for a month and a half and I just broke up with him and had to block him because of how mentally unstable he is (see last post). There were so many red flags from the beginning I chose to ignore: job instability, extreme jealousy, addiction issues and extreme moodiness. I was extremely attracted to him and haven’t felt that attracted to someone in a long long time. I kept thinking that each time we saw each other, it would be better than the last but there was always some issue when we saw each other. It seemed like everything I said would bring up some bad feelings for him, even if it was innocent. One night he demanded he go through my phone and questioned everything, including male friends from high school who I haven’t spoken to in years. He was constantly getting angry with my for looking at my phone, saying I was speaking with other men. The other night, he threatened suicide and physically assaulted me to two times. On our first date, he made a comment about my front teeth being “big” but claimed he was joking. I can’t seem to believe that this is all terrible behaviour that I shouldn’t take, something inside me tells me I deserve it. For years I have struggled with self esteem and self worth. I settle for less and I don’t want to do that anymore. I was unable to get him out of my life after the first physical assault and block him, whereas years ago I would have stayed, so my self worth has definitely gotten better. But I am still having trouble getting over him and always wonder what could have been, perhaps I am infatuated with the idea of who he could have been. What are some ways I can improve my self esteem so that I have a better relationship? How can I tell myself how awful this guy was and actually believe it so that I am able to get over him? I plan for stay single for at least 6 months and do some work on myself.
stillafool Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 Well if you had stayed with him you could expect more physical violence. Once you let them know they can get away with it it escalates. Do you want to be a battered gf who has to walk on eggshells to keep from being insulted and physically abused? Think about that. Also ask yourself why it is so important to have a man in your life that you have to lower yourself to keep him. Why?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 7 hours ago, LotusAvx said: What are some ways I can improve my self esteem so that I have a better relationship? How can I tell myself how awful this guy was and actually believe it so that I am able to get over him? I plan for stay single for at least 6 months and do some work on myself. I am glad you go rid of this guy, OP. I remember your recent thread and the man was scary. And dangerous. As for all of the above - have you considered therapy? You might really need to do a deep-dive with a qualified therapist who is experienced in helping women leave an abusive cycle. You yourself say there's a pattern here, so it could be worth looking into it.
Miss Spider Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 (edited) Idk girl, maybe you just like crazy. You really can’t help what you’re attracted to( I guess you could get therapy for it). A lot of people are going to try to psychoanalyze you. But I know for a fact you can grow up with nice parents in a stable home and still like crazy. That’s me. I don’t wanna date someone all happy go lucky, I’m not trying to date my dad. Likewise, a lot of good girls I know tend to be attracted to guys that are just wrong -unstable, jealous, abusive. It’s like the yin to their yang. Maybe you just like them unstable for whatever reason.My first bf was very depressed, like he could find the ‘life sucks, I wanna die’ in anything and I really don’t know why I found him attractive at the time. Just did. Edited July 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 21 hours ago, LotusAvx said: job instability, extreme jealousy, addiction issues and extreme moodiness. he demanded he go through my phone and questioned everything, he threatened suicide and physically assaulted me to two times. On our first date, he made a comment about my front teeth being “big” Perhaps this king of jerks will cure you from bypassing red flags. He's a doozy. Really. Sometimes that lightbulb goes off with "why was I putting up with this crap?"
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 For me I really turned a corner after doing some therapy. I was invested in getting better and worked to be as honest as I could to myself and the therapist. I will always be somewhat insecure but I have learned to focus on my feelings and know that I am entitled to my feelings good or bad. And I will only chose a partner who cares for me enough to respond to my feelings or accept my feelings whether they agree with them/ understand them or not. It is a boundary for me now. I will not accept anything less. The learning to set boundaries for yourself is part of the process of learning to love yourself. 1
glows Posted July 26, 2021 Posted July 26, 2021 On 7/22/2021 at 4:37 PM, LotusAvx said: What are some ways I can improve my self esteem so that I have a better relationship? How can I tell myself how awful this guy was and actually believe it so that I am able to get over him? I plan for stay single for at least 6 months and do some work on myself. You don’t have to dwell on someone else’s deficiencies to rise up and move beyond all this. Love yourself and everything will fall into place. And what does this cliche, riddle-like phrase “love yourself” mean anyway? It means tangibly, realistically and consistently taking care of yourself and choosing to thrive rather than just survive on the bare minimum. For me, it means prioritizing peace of mind above any other comfort. I do not care how sexy, hot, persuasive, successful or talkative a person can be. If he’s disrespectful, abusive, insecure and small-minded he gets nothing from me. Zero and no exceptions. Wishing you well on this journey. It’s good to stay single for awhile but don’t close your heart off completely. When you feel ready I hope you find a good one. 1
spiderowl Posted July 27, 2021 Posted July 27, 2021 The problem with guys who turn abusive is, quite often, they have a lovely, charming side too. You fall for the attractive side of them. Maybe you also fall for the passion and unpredictability? These can be attractive qualities, after all, but they can also turn into nightmarish qualities. The point is, that you need to remind yourself that however attractive the good side is, it doesn't outweigh the bad. You may also feel that 'pull' towards him, for the good qualities, but you will need to resist these or end up in the same situation again. It sounds like somewhere in your past you have come to believe that you are not good enough to be treated well all the time. I do understand because I have been there too, still am in many respects. Put downs early on in life can have a lasting impression. It helps to think back and identify these instances and then to literally 'undo' them. Can you think of instances where you felt your self esteem was badly affected at an impressionable time of life? You are worth better than this. You do not have to put up with insults or bad treatment. You can walk away and say no. A veiled insult is still an insult so refuse to engage in a relationship with someone who does that. You will be surprised what happens when you walk away from maltreatment, when you refuse to entertain people who are not respectful and kind. You might think you will end up alone, but in actual fact at some level others pick up your self-respect and new opportunities arise. When you change your self-esteem fundamentally, you are not only changing it for you, you are changing how you come across to others. You could have a great relationship with a wonderful guy who adores you. I think one thing to be aware of is attraction to 'bad boys'. They can be attractive because they come across as cocky and funny. Funny is great, but cocky that involves denigrating a woman or being madly jealous and oppressive, is a different matter. Be on the lookout for any attempts to knock your self-worth in any way or to control you. I think you will be aware now. It's great that you have walked out of this harmful relationship; that's the first step.
Wiseman2 Posted July 27, 2021 Posted July 27, 2021 The best way to stop falling for the wrong men is to fall for the right ones so there's no room for jerks.
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