What do you think of his decision?

[Amanda141]

Hi all

After some terrible dating experience on Tinder, on Saturday 10/07 I met a guy in the good old way, at a party (me F, 24 Italian he M,32 Indian). We were on the dancefloor, we looked and smile at each other and after some minutes he came to talk to me. We spent the whole evening together and then we kissed. It was an instant "click", a special connection... when you know, you know!

He asked for my number, thanked me for the wonderful night spent and asked me out for the following Monday. We actually live very close to each other (30 min walk), so we met in a restaurant nearby and then went to a park. We kissed again (so much that my lips were consumed lol) and then he told me very sweet and tender words such as "I feel 18 again, you make me feel butterflies in my stomach" - "I feel such a special connection between you and I, I really want to keep seeing you and get to know you better" and also asked me question such as if I am family-oriented, if I ever want children in the future...My answer was yes, but not before I am 29-30. I am looking for a serious relationship but I dont wanna marry anytime soon. So we met again on the following Thursday (a week ago), went for dinner and a walk again, and lied on the grass under the stars kissing for hours... it felt magical  Then we kept texting and we met on Sunday. He invited me for dinner at his place, we fooled around a bit but still no sex. We made dinner together, watched Friends and just relaxed on his couch. 

The following day I text him briefly, and on Tuesday (two days ago) I asked if he wanted to see me again this weekend... He replied saying: "Hey Amanda, I hope you had a good day. The time we spent the last week has been great, however, I have been thinking about us since yesterday, and I feel that we both are in different stages of life, and I believe it's not a good idea to keep seeing each other because either one of us could hurt, and I really want to avoid that. I have to make this hard decision right now, I don't want to but this is the right thing to do. Thanks for the wonderful time we spent. To be very transparent, I want to settle down in the near future, and I want be with someone who is closer to my age so her life goals also will be similar. I believe you still have to focus on your career, explore so much, and you have your own life journey.  I still love being around and you made me feel really good, but I was all emotional that day and now I'm being a little rational, because I have had many failed relationships, and I see you being so young, it won't go for too long. Now I want to date my potential wife, I wanna date to marry. " - then I briefly replied and he videocalled me for 30 minutes saying that he likes me a lot, that I was the girl most similar to him that he met in the past 2-3 years, but that the age difference is too much and it's better to end it now than in a few months-years when our feelings will be even stronger. He said he is open to see me again after the holidays (so in September) for a walk and to catch up, that he wished I was a bit older but unfortunately the reality is this and it would be hard to stay together

On the one hand I can understand that our life goals are different, but why not just go with the flow?  I am very sad now, I can't stop thinking about him... I dated a lot of guys this past year, but never felt such a connection. We are so similar !  and it's so weird because usually guys dumped me because they didnt want anything serious and he dumps me because he wants something too serious... I miss him terribly.

 

Do you agree with what he said? Is there anything I can do?

[stillafool]

Well you can't do anything about the age difference and he seemed pretty clear he wants someone around his age with the same life goals - soon.  I'm sorry this happened but I don't see his mind being changed.  Luckily you didn't see him for long before he let  you know so it shouldn't be too hard to put this behind you and remember the lovely time you had together while it lasted.

Edited July 22, 2021 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Now I want to date my potential wife, I wanna date to marry. "

He may have traditional/cultural pressures, such as an arranged marriage.  Research "arranged marriage in India"

It sounds like he wanted to fool around, sow some wild oats but has someone else in mind. He doesn't want to lead you on.

[Amanda141]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may have traditional/cultural pressures, such as an arranged marriage.  Research "arranged marriage in India"

It sounds like he wanted to fool around, sow some wild oats but has someone else in mind. He doesn't want to lead you on.

He told me that where he’s from in India they don’t do arranged marriages and he is actually becoming a German citizenship as he has been living here in Germany for almost a decade. He wants to settle down in Europe. However, I do agree that he could still be influenced and pressured by his culture.. I dont know... if I were him, I would just follow my heart without forcing anything. It might have well happened that we dated for a few months and then mutually discovered that we weren’t a match..I would have just gone with the flow

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

if I were him, I would just follow my heart without forcing anything.

Maybe he was following his heart.  He knows what he wants.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

if I were him, I would just follow my heart without forcing anything. It might have well happened that we dated for a few months and then mutually discovered that we weren’t a match..I would have just gone with the flow

Yes but you are not him.  It's really important for people to remember that, what works for you may not work for the other person.

If you read this forum, you will notice how many women dump men when they (the men) say they are not seeking anything serious and want to "go with the flow."

Here, it's a man saying it, but that doesn't make his feelings any less valid.

He is 32, he is seeking marriage and a family in the near future and looking for a woman who shares that mindset.

You want to go with the flow (which is how I tend to date as well), and don't anticipate being ready to settle down for 5 more years at the earliest.

My advice is to respect his decision, and look for a man closer to your age and/or who shares your mindset.

Love does NOT conquer all, that is a Disney fairly tale.

I'm sorry this one didn't work out, but try to not take it personally.  He likes you, felt a connection but you both want different things and are at different life stages, that's all.

 

Edited July 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like he wanted to fool around, sow some wild oats but has someone else in mind. 

There is absolutely no evidence of that Wiseman; why make the OP feel worse than she already does by spinning that type of negativity?

He's seeking marriage and a family in the near future, it makes perfect sense that he would want to date a woman who shares that same mindset.

Women dump men all the time for the same thing!

But when a man does, suddenly he only wanted to fool around and sow some oats?

Come on. 

Edited July 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

if I were him, I would just follow my heart without forcing anything

He is following his heart, though. It's just not in the direction you hoped. 

I don't mean he doesn't like you but your life timelines are incompatible and he isn't looking for that sort go-with-the-flow thing any longer. It's hard to understand when you're as young as you are, but those days are behind him given that he wants to settle down soon. And yes, some people his age and older are happy to go with the flow but usually not when their hope is to start a family in the near future. 

It's disappointing but he did the right thing letting you go respectfully and honestly. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

On the one hand I can understand that our life goals are different

It’s not that your life goals are different, it’s that you are at different life stages. 

The age difference wouldn’t be a problem had you said that you were also looking to marry and have children. My brother is in a similar relationship. He was 28 when they met and she was 20. They married, and now they have three beautiful children (she had two children by the time she was 25). Despite their age difference, they had similar life goals and they were at a similar life stage. 

People in their 20’s generally go with the flow because they have time. People in their 30’s have been going with the flow for years, they are often ready to find a more serious relationship and move onto the next life stage. 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The age difference wouldn’t be a problem had you said that you were also looking to marry and have children.

 

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

I want be with someone who is closer to my age so her life goals also will be similar.

 

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

but that the age difference is too much and it's better to end it now than in a few months-years

But he said the age difference is too much for him.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

If you read this forum, you will notice how many women dump men when they (the men) say they are not seeking anything serious and want to "go with the flow."

Yes, a million times yes to that one. I am also in the mindset where I want to find a guy for a long term leading to a marriage. I turned down many guys who actually told me that they don't know what they want or don't want anything serious or just want to see what happens (in other words, want to go with the flow). They might be actually good guys and I might have an awesome chemistry with them. But if they are not ready for anything serious here and now, then they are not right for me. I don't want to get invested into a guy only to find out down the road that he is not looking for a marriage at all. Oh geez, I sound so desperate, lol.

Sorry you got hurt OP. But at least he didn't slow fade or ghost you. He was very honest about his reasonings to end things. He didn't leave you wonder like some other posters ask us here why he/she ended things. Let him be. You may not agree with his reasoning to end things but it is what it is. Nothing else you can do rather than accept it and go on.

For the future, try not to get too much attached to a person you've only had handful of dates with. You hardly know his after all.

Edited July 23, 2021 by Alvi

[Miss Spider]

I agree with poppy. He told told you he wants to settle down, marry, and have kids relatively soon, and so he’s looking for someone with similar priorities. Why think up theories on his reasoning when the reason he provided perfectly understandable. I think that’s a good call on his end and he did it very respectfully. 

Edited July 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Amanda92]

You behave a bit selfish and he is right. It has no sense. It sounds like you would like to waste his time. He wants to start family now or in 2 years. You want to have babies in 6 years. Why would he wait for you?

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

You behave a bit selfish and he is right. It has no sense. It sounds like you would like to waste his time. He wants to start family now or in 2 years. You want to have babies in 6 years. Why would he wait for you?

This confused me Bc I thought you op for a sec xD 

[ShyViolet]

It really doesn't matter whether we agree with his decision.  It doesn't even matter whether you agree with it.  He has made his decision and he is not interested in going any further with you.  His reasons are valid to him.  You need to just accept it and move on.

[Andy_K]

9 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

On the one hand I can understand that our life goals are different, but why not just go with the flow?

As people get older they find more and more that 'going with the flow' leads to letting long term incompatibilities get under the radar, and you'll just end up single again with x amount of time wasted in between. After a certain point you're done with that and know what you want. That's where this guy is. 

If you were 32 would you want to wait 5/6 years before having kids? No you wouldn't. You'd barely have 5/6 years before it would start getting more difficult to have a family, and what if the "I'm not ready yet" of a partner stretched out even further than the 5/6 years they initially said? Well you'd have taken a big risk and lost many years. 

The problem with wanting something X years into the future is it means you haven't really considered the realities of it, how it would change your lifestyle and the sacrifices you'd have to make. Who is to say how you'll feel about those when you look at them more closely? This guy on the other hand knows he wants a family soon. That means he has considered all the consequences and is ready to make the sacrifices. He has the answers he needs, but you're an unknown risk. As such, it's not sensible for him to gamble his time on you and 'go with the flow'

[Amanda141]

Thanks all for your answers. Always helpful to get another point of view!

I hate to admit it but you are all right. It would be selfish of me to try to change his mind and convince him to keep dating me. I think that if I was 32 I would want the same things and I wouldnt be willing to waste my time.... I still appreciate the fact that he didn't ghost/slow fade, but had the courage to pick up the phone and videocall me. 

I want to think positive, it's summer, I am going on holiday all August and that would allow me to take some time for myself and come back in September ready for a fresh start in dating  

I still feel lucky to have met him, as he's really a great guy and I have to respect his decision, even if it makes me sad right now. I hope to see him again this fall, even just for a walk to catch up

 

 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I hope to see him again this fall, even just for a walk to catch up

Where would you see him?  I hope you aren't planning on contacting him to "catch up" and start something back up with him.  That's not fair, just move on.

[Amanda141]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Where would you see him?  I hope you aren't planning on contacting him to "catch up" and start something back up with him.  That's not fair, just move on.

Nono, actually it was him that suggested staying "friends" and meet in September just for a chat outside. We live very close to each other (30 min walk) 

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Nono, actually it was him that suggested staying "friends" and meet in September just for a chat outside. We live very close to each other (30 min walk) 

Well tbh they all give the "lets stay friends" speech at the end to soften the blow.  Don't take it literally.  Just move on to the next guy and enjoy being 24.  It's a wonderful time in a woman's life so don't waste it.  Have fun on the vacay.

[Ami1uwant]

16 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Hi all

After some terrible dating experience on Tinder, on Saturday 10/07 I met a guy in the good old way, at a party (me F, 24 Italian he M,32 Indian). We were on the dancefloor, we looked and smile at each other and after some minutes he came to talk to me. We spent the whole evening together and then we kissed. It was an instant "click", a special connection... when you know, you know!

He asked for my number, thanked me for the wonderful night spent and asked me out for the following Monday. We actually live very close to each other (30 min walk), so we met in a restaurant nearby and then went to a park. We kissed again (so much that my lips were consumed lol) and then he told me very sweet and tender words such as "I feel 18 again, you make me feel butterflies in my stomach" - "I feel such a special connection between you and I, I really want to keep seeing you and get to know you better" and also asked me question such as if I am family-oriented, if I ever want children in the future...My answer was yes, but not before I am 29-30. I am looking for a serious relationship but I dont wanna marry anytime soon. So we met again on the following Thursday (a week ago), went for dinner and a walk again, and lied on the grass under the stars kissing for hours... it felt magical  Then we kept texting and we met on Sunday. He invited me for dinner at his place, we fooled around a bit but still no sex. We made dinner together, watched Friends and just relaxed on his couch. 

The following day I text him briefly, and on Tuesday (two days ago) I asked if he wanted to see me again this weekend... He replied saying: "Hey Amanda, I hope you had a good day. The time we spent the last week has been great, however, I have been thinking about us since yesterday, and I feel that we both are in different stages of life, and I believe it's not a good idea to keep seeing each other because either one of us could hurt, and I really want to avoid that. I have to make this hard decision right now, I don't want to but this is the right thing to do. Thanks for the wonderful time we spent. To be very transparent, I want to settle down in the near future, and I want be with someone who is closer to my age so her life goals also will be similar. I believe you still have to focus on your career, explore so much, and you have your own life journey.  I still love being around and you made me feel really good, but I was all emotional that day and now I'm being a little rational, because I have had many failed relationships, and I see you being so young, it won't go for too long. Now I want to date my potential wife, I wanna date to marry. " - then I briefly replied and he videocalled me for 30 minutes saying that he likes me a lot, that I was the girl most similar to him that he met in the past 2-3 years, but that the age difference is too much and it's better to end it now than in a few months-years when our feelings will be even stronger. He said he is open to see me again after the holidays (so in September) for a walk and to catch up, that he wished I was a bit older but unfortunately the reality is this and it would be hard to stay together

On the one hand I can understand that our life goals are different, but why not just go with the flow?  I am very sad now, I can't stop thinking about him... I dated a lot of guys this past year, but never felt such a connection. We are so similar !  and it's so weird because usually guys dumped me because they didnt want anything serious and he dumps me because he wants something too serious... I miss him terribly.

 

Do you agree with what he said? Is there anything I can do?

i have always been the type who wouldn’t  have a GF just to have one or would stop dating one if I felt this wasn’t going anywhere in terms of live together.

[Blue Sea]

Sometimes, I wonder why do we need to stick to those silly principles where it stopped us from being together with the ones we love. 

Even if he is able to find someone around his age, he might not be receiving the same kind of great connection.

To me, chemistry & feelings are v important. However, if you don't wish to get married that soon, please let him go. 

[Donnas]

He's a fool, he knew the age day one not???He shoulda end it then if he didn't like the age. Looks a bit like he ddnt get sex so he put a end to it. But could be he really saw its not a match at some point. Its his right as much as its yours to end it when u see its not it.

And best is not to give in this fast.

Take time dating for at least 6 months. Before going hos home and do anything intimate. Give the proces time so you can get to know who the person is and want etc.

He is older, and may be into other stuff. But like he could a know this day one once knowing your age.

But facts are, he is not into you no more.

Atleast he told you now. So dont keep forcing it. Accept it and move on.  

Many other guys around your age out there.And into you.

[CaliforniaGirl]

To me it is really simple and straightforward. You want to wait a few years at least to get married but he wants to get the ball rolling right now. I personally wouldn't read any more into it than that.

[glows]

I would not meet up with him to catch up in September. He’s letting you down easy. Best to move on.