Understanding Possible Narcissistic Relationships

[HadMeOverABarrel]

57 minutes ago, Taramere said:

Could you link me to your thread? Used to be that you could find threads people started by clicking on their profile, but I can't see that option now.

 

[hajk]

@Taramere is your friend a Virgo by any chance?  A lot of the traits and personalities you described your friend sound like could be a Virgo.

[Taramere]

Just now, hajk said:

@Taramere is your friend a Virgo by any chance?  A lot of the traits and personalities you described your friend sound like could be a Virgo.

No, he isn't.  I'm not really sure if they'd be applicable or not.  I think by this point it's impossible for me to be fair and objective about him.  I just see him as somebody to be avoided wherever possible now.  Despite all his dramatic outpourings about blocking me "never contact me again" and all of that when he had his meltdown at me, he's taken to walking near my home very frequently, with the result that I'm constantly having to keep an eye out to check whether he's around so that I can cross the road or take other action to avoid him. 

Is there a star sign symbolically represented by an incompetent rider who whips at a horse and tugs at its mouth until it bucks him off, then screams "and don't come back....never contact me again...I'm blocking you on all social media" as the horse bolts off with no intention of ever returning?  If so, that would be him.

[Pumpernickel]

12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’d guess this is due to your own insecurities. A guy that’s over the top invested gives you a sense of security while a guy that’s more “normal” might cause anxiety because you’re not sure if he actually likes you. Or it could be that you have low self worth, so you’re counting on the early stages to get a guy attached, because deep down you feel if he knew the “real” you, he would no longer be interested…

I am sure it’s definitely a combination of those, as well as other factors. Every relationship I’ve had started with me being cold/aloof (and I didn’t play it; I’m always like that), and the guy basically being invested for 2. As if he had to pour double the energy into dating/mating, bc I held back 100%. After that, I was all in. I had to be convinced first, though. These were all long term relationships, 10 years, 7 years, etc. - nothing short-term. But always with men who had status, $$, the highest education, Ivy League degrees, etc.
I’ve read a lot about this, too, because at some point I started questioning myself, and I have definitely got some of the typical female/covert narcissistic traits (not saying I’m a narcissist per se), where you pick a partner who is high in status to push up your own status, so to speak. Some of these men were married (and got divorced, after which our affair situation became a legit relationship). Often, after a relationship gets serious, I lose interest as well. I’m single right now, and not missing anything. If it’s not really really over the top great, I’m just not into it. And my definition of great is pretty shallow sometimes. 

Now - That really sounds like i am a horrible person - which is not the case. I’m a good friend, I’m very reliable, I help every family member if I can; I’m the one everybody calls if they need whatever, I’m always there for everybody. I volunteer and regularly donate to a women’s shelter as well as other community projects for those in need.

In terms of romantic relationships I’m just a little emotionally handicapped, I suppose. (I guess I just value friendships and family much more than romantic relationships?))

Edited August 3, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

In terms of romantic relationships I’m just a little emotionally handicapped, I suppose. (I guess I just value friendships and family much more than romantic relationships?))

Yes to the first part, no to the second. You probably value romantic relationships so much that instead of allowing yourself to be vulnerable where you can really get hurt, you keep it really superficial. It’s a defense mechanism. 

[Pumpernickel]

On 8/2/2021 at 11:46 PM, Weezy1973 said:

You probably value romantic relationships so much that instead of allowing yourself to be vulnerable where you can really get hurt, you keep it really superficial. It’s a defense mechanism. 

That’s an interesting thought. Valuing romantic relationships so much that they have to be perfect in your own eyes before you actually get into one. With “perfect in your own eyes” being the problem, because without that you will not/cannot be turned on, or vulnerable, for reasons/criteria that are so stringent that you can’t possibly find a suitable mate.  Hmmmm…..yes, rings true!

 

And that circles back right to the narcissistic purpose of the relationship, because people like that look for certain qualities and purposes, rather than being vulnerable/open to somebody whom they value and love. (whatever that means/entails)

Edited August 5, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

That’s an interesting thought. Valuing romantic relationships so much that they have to be perfect in your own eyes before you actually get into one. With “perfect in your own eyes” being the problem, because without that you will not/cannot be turned on, or vulnerable, for reasons/criteria that are so stringent that you can’t possibly find a suitable mate.  Hmmmm…..yes, rings true!

I don’t know what your parent’s relationship was like, but I often see that people that came from parents with a dysfunctional relationship, don’t really think relationships / marriage can really work unless it’s “perfect”. Or they found the “perfect” partner. And of course perfect doesn’t exist. 

[Pumpernickel]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I don’t know what your parent’s relationship was like, but I often see that people that came from parents with a dysfunctional relationship, don’t really think relationships / marriage can really work unless it’s “perfect”. Or they found the “perfect” partner. And of course perfect doesn’t exist. 

Yeah - you can definitely call their relationship “problematic”, especially due to my mother’s emotional issues. She was one who wanted to get everything out of a relationship for her own benefit. And I’m talking all relationships; Marriage, parenting (kids definitely served a purpose - status! You had to be a star athlete and you had to be in advanced algebra already in elementary school), friendships, cousins, grandparents & other family members …. And If she didn’t suck the life out of you, she definitely sucked every single cent out of you - Put my grandfather in the cheapest nursing home so she could keep the balance / stuff like that….. she’s never been diagnosed w/anything, but she was definitely not “normal”/loving/dedicated to family values……. 

[poppyfields]

On 8/2/2021 at 7:42 PM, Pumpernickel said:

In terms of romantic relationships I’m just a little emotionally handicapped, I suppose. (I guess I just value friendships and family much more than romantic relationships?))

I wouldn't say you are "emotionally handicapped," as you said yourself, it just takes more time for you to be sure if it's real versus some fleeting fancy which many romances turn out to be.  Once you know it's real, you will emotionally invest and commit as you have done - 7 years, 10 years.

Same thing with why you value family and friendships more than romance.  Family and friendships are long lasting while romance can be fleeting.  That's one possibility anyway.

It makes sense, and may actually even be smart/pragmatic.  

I can definitely relate and it's interesting what Weezy presented about feeling secure/insecure because for me when a man over-invests in the beginning, I don't feel secure at all, in fact the opposite because it reflects an impulsiveness, fantasy-driven mindset.

A man who proceeds at a slower, more normal pace I will feel more secure with because it reflects a reality-driven mindset, not some fleeting fancy who dashes in fast but dashes out just as fast.

 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Pumpernickel]

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

when a man over-invests in the beginning, I don't feel secure at all, in fact the opposite because it reflects an impulsiveness, fantasy-driven mindset.

Totally agree, and I know that in my head as well, but my dilemma is that I am totally cold if they do not over-invest, always have been -  even if I know that that’s usually not going to last. And yes, I’ve had mostly long-term relationships, but being almost 50, one of those could’ve/should’ve ended in M and kids, and none of them have. Which is fine by me. What I’m saying is that even these over invested men had their issues - After a long-term relationship they jumped ship after a certain amount of years …. And I’m not saying that I am exclusively attracting weirdos, maybe I’m just turning into something/someone they no longer desire after a few years. 
 

…to summarize it, it could be that I just seek out these particular types because I subconsciously know that I’m not able or willing to invest much. Therefore, my counterpart needs to be someone who invests even more.I don’t want to say I’m complacent, but I can be pretty self-absorbed, drowning in my work & art and stuff, and that might be a turn off after a certain amount of time? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just because I’m aging and these types of guys that I’m initially attracted to always have younger women that fawn upon them for whatever reason

Edited August 5, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

After a long-term relationship they jumped ship after a certain amount of years …. And I’m not saying that I am exclusively attracting weirdos, maybe I’m just turning into something/someone they no longer desire after a few years. 

I think you're being too hard on yourself Pumpernickel; imo all (or most) romantic relationships have a "shelf life," they last until they don't and you part ways having learned and grown from the experience.  It's all part of your individual journey and evolution towards a greater good and greater self.

It's one reason why I don't believe in marriage per se, even if you want children.  Some of the happiest and well-adjusted kids are from families where the parents were not legally married, and some of the unhappiest and poorly-adjusted kids were raised with parents who were married but totally messed up because their parents marriage was a disaster and they witnessed that.

Marriage and even romance is a society-driven concept in many respects.  I am in the process of re-defining what all that means because the way it's been for the past zillion years is definitely NOT working.

That said, it's good to introspect and learn better (or at least different) ways of becoming part of the universe, "one" with the universe as they say.

Acceptance is a start and it sounds like you have but questioning perhaps even doubting your value and what you have to offer the world and those around you.

As you said, you are a good friend, very reliable, helping every family member if you can; you're always there for everybody, you volunteer and regularly donate to a women’s shelter as well as other community projects for those in need.

That is way more than others can say, so maybe give yourself a bit of a break?

Narcissistic?  I don't think so Pumpernickel.  Through your posts, you seem like a really lovely human being.  

 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Pumpernickel]

Thanks @poppyfields- you made my night! And I totally agree with you WRT concept of romantic relationships needing an overhaul