His selfish, manipulative ex...

[crazy_grl]

So I met a guy 3 weeks ago. We went to college together, but we never talked then. He and my college friend are roommates and have known each other for years. He's very sweet, and I love his sense of humor. We talk almost every day, and I trust him completely. We're not in a relationship yet, because there's a distance issue, but we've agreed we're not going to see other people either (I even gave him the choice to see others, but he didn't want to).

 

Problem is: there's still an ex in the picture. They dated only 2 weeks, but knew each other a couple months. Basically, she convinced him to be more than friends then broke up with him because [in her words], she's crazy and not ready to be anyone's girlfriend. IMO, that's something someone should think about before they convince someone to get involved with them.

 

So I guess they're friends now even though he thinks she's hiding something about why she broke up with him. She still messages him about everyday things, and she's visited him at this bar he volunteers at. She also keeps calling/messaging to yell at him, saying things like (paraphrased) "why do I bother with guys like you anyway".

 

This last weekend she came to see him and asked him to have a drink with her. He did, but then had to go do work. She left before he was done and told him to call her. When he didn't, she bitched him out for it. To me, it's like she's treating him as though she thinks she has him on a string. How can someone not get that when you break up with a person, they have no obligation to call you and you have no right to yell at them when they don't? They're no longer your bf.

 

I've asked him why he continues to put up with her, and he's said he doesn't turn his back on people that easily anymore. She also didn't used to be like this, and he wants to know what changed. To me, this girl sounds like your typical selfish, insecure, manipulative, avoid at all costs girl, the kind you shouldn't only turn your back on, but should run like hell away from.

 

I don't like him talking to her, because I know it's hard on him and it's frustrating for me to hear about these things, but I don't feel it's my place to ask him to get rid of her. I did ask if he would promise not to be alone with her. He told me he couldn't do that, because she might need to talk to him in confidence, but he said he would promise not to drink with her. After he told me that, it felt like he'd just chosen her feelings over mine.

 

I have absolutely no doubt about his motives toward her. He told her before she broke up with him that he doesn't date the same girl twice, and I think he will stick to that. But I've just recently done a cleaning out of all the "drama kings" from my life. The last thing I need is to have to deal with a drama queen by proxy, but I don't want to ruin things with him over this, and I don't want him to feel like he can't talk to me about it.

 

Do you all think I'm making a big deal out of nothing? Do you think I'm right about this girl? Should I just back off and tell him to call me when he stops letting her do these things to him?

[tanbark813]

Date a guy with balls and you won't have this problem.

[crazy_grl]

Date a guy with balls and you won't have this problem.

 

But then how am I supposed to get him good and whipped?

[tanbark813]

But then how am I supposed to get him good and whipped?

 

Then I guess you have yourself quite the dilemma.

[Art_Critic]

he doesn't date the same girl twice

 

Interesting to note.. Because when you get sucked into his drama with her and he dumps you ..you will know that he doesn't date the same girl twice.

 

I think you need to make it so she goes away..

Ex's that hang around are bad news.. It means someone still has feelings for someone else and normally it's both people that still have feelings for each other.

 

He still has feelings for her otherwise he would be like " Be gone bitch"

[crazy_grl]

Interesting to note.. Because when you get sucked into his drama with her and he dumps you ..you will know that he doesn't date the same girl twice.

 

You're such an optimist, AC.

 

I think you need to make it so she goes away..

Ex's that hang around are bad news.. It means someone still has feelings for someone else and normally it's both people that still have feelings for each other.

 

He still has feelings for her otherwise he would be like " Be gone bitch"

 

I completely hear what you're saying. I want her to go away. I want to ask him to make her go away. But how am I supposed to do that? Is it even reasonable to ask that at this point?

 

I don't want to make a "her or me" demand.

[basscatcher]

Ex's that hang around are bad news.. It means someone still has feelings for someone else and normally it's both people that still have feelings for each other.

 

He still has feelings for her otherwise he would be like " Be gone bitch"

 

Yep Yep.. She hasn't let go of him yet and he feels like he has to be there because he feels obligated for some reason..

Your headed for a lot of problems with trust and security.

You wont get him whipped when he still has a string attached to her.

He isn't yours until she is totally gone out of the picture and he totally lets her go too.

 

Your setting yourself up for negativity and too damn much drama.. I've been there done that. Took me years to learn my lesson on this subject matter. No more for this Queen Bee.

 

Good luck.

[Art_Critic]

I would talk to him about it..

 

If he squawks too much about making her go away then you know the real answer..

 

don't make any demands just kinda let him know how you feel about her and how much time they spend together

[crazy_grl]

I would talk to him about it..

 

If he squawks too much about making her go away then you know the real answer..

 

don't make any demands just kinda let him know how you feel about her and how much time they spend together

 

I tried to do that last night. l don't think I did a very good job of it. I guess I'll try again tonight, but I'm afraid I already know the answer. I was just hoping I might have things wrong.

 

Thanks for the advice, AC.

[Art_Critic]

I tried to do that last night. l don't think I did a very good job of it. I guess I'll try again tonight, but I'm afraid I already know the answer. I was just hoping I might have things wrong.

 

Thanks for the advice, AC.

 

Chin up C-girl.. It isn't bad news yet.. Try and talk it out.. this should resolve any doubts or solidify you too..

[crazy_grl]

Yep Yep.. She hasn't let go of him yet and he feels like he has to be there because he feels obligated for some reason..

 

Yeah, that's the way it seems to me too. I think it's her problems and his desire to help her that keeps him around. I had the same thing with my ex (dated for a 18 mos, he broke up with me about 18 mos ago) but I wasn't involved with anyone and so I chose to be there to support him (because he has LOTS of problems right now). I could deal with the ex's occasional manipulations and guilt trips on my own, but when I met this guy, I decided I couldn't let my ex become someone else's problem too. I didn't want to always be talking to this new guy about the drama from the ex, which could make him jealous and cause problems between us, so I showed him the door and haven't spoken to him since.

 

So it's hard for me to accept that this guy can't do the same with a girl he was only dating for 2 weeks and had only known for a couple months.

 

Your headed for a lot of problems with trust and security.

You wont get him whipped when he still has a string attached to her.

He isn't yours until she is totally gone out of the picture and he totally lets her go too.

 

Your setting yourself up for negativity and too damn much drama.. I've been there done that. Took me years to learn my lesson on this subject matter. No more for this Queen Bee.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks, pad. You're right. I just hope I can make my guy understand it too.

[crazy_grl]

Chin up C-girl.. It isn't bad news yet.. Try and talk it out.. this should resolve any doubts or solidify you too..

 

Thanks, AC. I'll let you all know how it goes. Hopefully I won't be coming back here heartbroken tomorrow.

[basscatcher]

Yeah, that's the way it seems to me too. I think it's her problems and his desire to help her that keeps him around. I had the same thing with my ex (dated for a 18 mos, he broke up with me about 18 mos ago) but I wasn't involved with anyone and so I chose to be there to support him (because he has LOTS of problems right now). I could deal with the ex's occasional manipulations and guilt trips on my own, but when I met this guy, I decided I couldn't let my ex become someone else's problem too. I didn't want to always be talking to this new guy about the drama from the ex, which could make him jealous and cause problems between us, so I showed him the door and haven't spoken to him since.

 

So it's hard for me to accept that this guy can't do the same with a girl he was only dating for 2 weeks and had only known for a couple months.

 

 

 

Thanks, pad. You're right. I just hope I can make my guy understand it too.

 

I've lived it myself so I understand your situation. Not everyones situation is the same and takes the same turns. People are truly individuals and can make off base decisions. But I think the point to all this is you preparig yourself for whatever happens and seeing different angles.

 

You do need to talk to him hun about this and you also need to deciede for yourself if you want to endure hanging around and always wondering, hoping, wishing and wanting..

 

I have hung around before, I have given and given and been patient. I was hurt in the long run but I cherish the lessons out of the experience no matter what the consequences were. I believe every experience in life has lessons. It's whether or not we chose to learn from them and accept them..

 

"hugs to you girlie"

[crazy_grl]

Just to update: We talked about it and he agreed not to spend time alone with her. However, he thought I was making a big deal out of it and that I should trust him more. He said he wouldn't just turn his back on her and stop being friends with her. I didn't ask him for that though, because I don't think I could do that. Considering that he met 2 of my exes, including my most recent ex (the one from over a year ago that I just stopped talking to), within the first two days of having met me and an ex from 4 years ago is still one of my closest friends, I'd feel pretty hypocritical. I do think exes can be friends. I just don't think this girl has been acting like she's just a friend.

 

Apparently his ex appologized to him for her crappy behavior recently. I have my doubts about whether it's a genuine appology or whether she did it because she realized that b!tching wasn't getting her anywhere with him. Either way, I'm not going to worry about it unless she continues to be a problem.

 

I'd prefer if there were no ex gf in the picture, but that kind of loyalty is part of what draws me to him. AC and pad, I know you two could be right about the possible problems, but I've blown too many potentially good things by being too cautious and too suspicious. So I'm going to trust him. In the end, I might regret that choice, but I know for certain I'll regret it if I don't. If I get hurt, I know I'll have mainly myself to blame.

 

Thanks again for the advice, AC and pad. And even you, tan.

 

(Just an FYI in case anybody thinks otherwise, the thing about me making sure he's whipped was a joke. He's a sweetheart, but I don't think he's very easy to whip... and I wouldn't want him to be.)

[crazy_grl]

Well, you guys were right. Not about him hooking up with the ex gf. I don't think he has any interest in her and I'm nearly certain he's not the cheating type, but about the jealousy and insecurity issues.

 

I really wouldn't have minded if it hadn't been for him continually telling me about the horrible things she did and making excuses for her, most of which was when she was drunk.

 

I kept getting upset about the way she was acting and how he basically wasn't setting boundaries with her. The last time, I was on the phone with him and she showed up at his door drunk to bring him some of his stuff. Since she'd driven herself, he had to get off the phone with me to take care of her. I told him I had a problem with it, and I didn't say it in a threatening way. Instead of being understanding and appologizing for having to get off the phone or doing anything that would indicate he was being considerate of my feelings, he got mad at me. That of course, made me get mad, and I told him that if he wanted to help her, he shouldn't be enabling her. Apparently, he took offense. (Maybe it wasn't my place to say it, but the statement is accurate IMO and the opinion of others.)

 

The next day, we had a talk about it. He said I didn't understand their friendship, but really I don't know who could. Being my usual self, I immediately took all the blame on myself, and I appologized for having a problem with it. To which he said, "It's okay as long as it doesn't happen again." My response was, "What does that mean?" His answer, "It means what I said."

 

The conversation bugged me (because he seemed to resent me and think I was controlling him without being considerate of my feelings), but I decided to try to forget about it and just start to close off my heart to him.

 

We had a normal conversation the next day, but the day after that I was all alone for the holiday, feeling really down for various reasons, and spent most of the day worrying about it. So the next day, I tried to talk to him online to give him the chance to tell me that the impression I got was not what he meant, and he got mad at me for "attacking" him. Granted, I've reread the conversation and I did unintentionally sound bitchy, but he could have been understanding and at least called to find out.

 

After that, I once again gave him the benefit of the doubt and took all the blame on myself. He was out of the country, so I had to email him, but I appologized for the way I acted, and suggested that we take some space. His response was that he thought we didn't have a chance at a relationship because of what I said on the IM, that he thought I was playing a game, and that he was a jerk.

 

I appologized, and though I didn't ask him to change his mind, I told him that I thought he had me all wrong and I'd be open to it if I did.

 

Then today he called, and I realized that maybe he was right. He is a jerk. I've been bending over backward to be considerate of his relationship with some other girl while he just looks at me as a pain in the ass who's trying to tell him who to be friends with (even though I never asked him not to be friends with her).

 

So I say **** him. I made a rule for myself not too long ago that I would not get mad in a relationship again. That if I got mad about something, whoever was making me mad probably wasn't worth getting mad over. I broke that rule, and true to form, I blamed myself when it happened.

 

So we're going to be friends now (that is if he doesn't get mad about the blunt email I just sent him). I don't want another relationship, because they take too much time effort, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. It's too bad he let this ex gf thing get in the way, because we were really good together without that. Maybe given enough time, he'll mature a little and see where he was wrong, but I'm not going to hold out hope.

 

Thanks for the advice. I told you so's may now commence.

 

And thanks for reading. Sorry to write so much. Try as I do, I've never mastered the art of brevity.

 

Thoughts/comments are welcome.

[Walk]

Sounds to me as if you made the right choice. It really seems strange that he would put so much effort into her when he'd only known her a few months.

 

He does need to "grow up" some.

 

One thing though... I don't think you'll be doing yourself any favors by setting a hard and fast rule of breaking up if you get mad. However, if you adjusted it to, break it off when you find yourself apologizing for things you know weren't your fault. People get mad in relationships, angry, upset, frustrated... doesn't necessarily mean the person isn't worth the effort to understand their view point. (which you did with this guy) I think the difference is when we find ourselves apologizing when we KNOW we're right.

[crazy_grl]

Sounds to me as if you made the right choice.

 

Thanks. Most of the time, I know I did. Still kinda sad though.

 

One thing though... I don't think you'll be doing yourself any favors by setting a hard and fast rule of breaking up if you get mad. However, if you adjusted it to, break it off when you find yourself apologizing for things you know weren't your fault. People get mad in relationships, angry, upset, frustrated... doesn't necessarily mean the person isn't worth the effort to understand their view point. (which you did with this guy)

 

I see your point. Maybe I phrased it wrong. What I meant was that if they make me mad and don't try to appologize or make it up to me, then they're not worth it. I've been way too understanding and too nondemanding, and I'm not going to do it anymore.

 

I think the difference is when we find ourselves apologizing when we KNOW we're right.

 

True, but the thing is that I don't often know when I'm right. Either I see other people's point of view too easily or I'm too easily convinced, because as soon as someone tells me I did something wrong, I agree with them. It's not until later that I think, "Wait a minute. Why am I appologizing when they started it?"